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I can't even...

Datura

Datura

Well-Known Member
It's a cliche refrain, but quite germain to my present predicament.

I have been unemployed and in therapy for months now, and I haven't made any progress.

I decided that in order to ease myself back into the work force I would take some volunteer work at the local food bank. It seemed like something I could do. It was low pressure, only a couple of days a week for a few hours at a time, and I would be giving back to the community and engaging with the outside world, rather than spending time in issolation with my own vicious thoughts.

Leading up to my shift today I had a total breakdown. I started crying, then laughing, and experienced this sharp pain between my eyes. I felt like killing myself, and might have actually tried if there were nobody to miss me.

How can I stop these feelings? They are holding me back from doing anything and making me totally dependent on other people. I was actually doing really well for a couple of years there, but now everything has fallen apart and I am just as bad as ever. I feel useless and stupid and I don't know what I am going to say to my parents when they get home. They are going to be so dissapointed in me.

I am so sick of being this whiny, sulking, parasite. I have no good reason for feeling the way I do, no legitimate impedements. I try to tell myself, "You are an intelligent, brave, capable woman. You can do anything!", but it doesn't work.

Nothing seems to work...
 
Dearest Datura,
I feel so badly hearing what you stated and wish I could wrap my arms around you and hug you. If it makes you feel any better, I am unemployed too. What kind of work are you interested in doing by the way, either for pay or for free? For over a year I helped my parents and my sick daughter after being laid off from a computer engineering firm, and then two sales positions. To top that off I had been cast aside by my ex-husband, followed by my first love (High School Sweetheart), then someone I really liked from online dating. I could and did say I was a total loser, but knew in my heart that they all got in wrong and I have more to offer in life then all of them put together.

Hang in there. Let's chat if you would like.

Peace and love
 
Thank you Margaret. I am sorry to hear that you have also had a rough time.

What I would like to do for a career is become a professional musician and producer. Music is a very compettative field though, and my anxiety is preventing me from persuing that evenue as well.

I also have an interest in evolutionary biology, cephalopods, and just about anything pertaining to living systems. Cell biology was my favorite course in university, so perhaps microbiology would be a good fit. But again, I am hampered by anxiety. I have gone to post-secondary several times and each time folded under completely irrational stress.

I feel like I have no options, that there is no point in wanting anything because it will only bring more pain. I do not want to feel this way though. I want to enjoy the present and be excited about the future.
 
I know how you feel I have been unemployed since January after losing my job after 8 years I had a lot of trouble with co-workers verbally abusing me and my production manager calling my parents and complaining about me by the way I am 45 years old and my parents live 500 miles away he was just looking for reasons to get rid of me because I did not fit in I have been seeing my therapist ever since I got diagnosed about 19 months ago. I filed for ssdi and got turned down 3 times so now I have a hearing with my lawyer but have not been scheduled yet. Todd
 
I can't think if any sage words today...not for lack of trying... :(

So instead here are some images of hope for everyone battling self-loathing or disappointment.

Strength on your journeys, everyone.:)

maxresdefault.jpg
peaceful_new_year_2013.jpg
1102050151081_354_peaceful_road.jpg
 
Datura said:
Thank you Margaret. I am sorry to hear that you have also had a rough time.

What I would like to do for a career is become a professional musician and producer. Music is a very compettative field though, and my anxiety is preventing me from persuing that evenue as well.

I also have an interest in evolutionary biology, cephalopods, and just about anything pertaining to living systems. Cell biology was my favorite course in university, so perhaps microbiology would be a good fit. But again, I am hampered by anxiety. I have gone to post-secondary several times and each time folded under completely irrational stress.

I feel like I have no options, that there is no point in wanting anything because it will only bring more pain. I do not want to feel this way though. I want to enjoy the present and be excited about the future.
Click to expand...
 
i have attended many colleges and universities, have a doctorate in Clinical Psychology, started nursing school for one term and am now studying for a license in banking law. My school transcripts are as long as a prison rap sheet. LOL I have also worked in so many fields that I feel like I have lived many, many lives. I met with two intuitive counselors who said I am an old soul, much like you, my dear. You are most likely an Indigo Child and Old Soul.
 
I suggest pinpointing the cause of your anxiety if you have not done so already. If it's purely chemical, I recommend medication to balance yourself back out. And not necessarily anti-depressants, there are various hormones and other chemicalish stuff in the body that can screw with your head. If the anxiety is something in the past, perhaps a new therapist who knows will experiment with various exercises and meditation to help you get calmed down. If it's from environmental issues, perhaps getting help fixing your environment whether it's asking your parents to be more understanding or finding somebody who knows how to break this really annoying crappy job market long enough for you to get a job that makes you happy. And if it's from a combination of everything, I wish you much love and patience from those you're around to help you sort it out and get on your feet.

As far as plain ol' coping goes, I like music and sometimes movies. I'll listen to something really blue so I can really indulge in it. Then I get sick of it after a little bit and start switching to something more chipper. Before long I'm feeling pretty good. Sometimes I just argue with myself. "I got work to do and I'm in the way, so me get out of the way and let me work!"
 
TODD NIEKAMP said:
I know how you feel I have been unemployed since January after losing my job after 8 years I had a lot of trouble with co-workers verbally abusing me and my production manager calling my parents and complaining about me by the way I am 45 years old and my parents live 500 miles away he was just looking for reasons to get rid of me because I did not fit in I have been seeing my therapist ever since I got diagnosed about 19 months ago. I filed for ssdi and got turned down 3 times so now I have a hearing with my lawyer but have not been scheduled yet. Todd
Click to expand...
 
I am sorry to hear that you underwent bullying and abuse from your colleagues and lost your job after 8 years. I hope you receive long-term disability this go-around. You can still work part-time and receive up to a certain amount of moolah while receiving SSI. What kinds of things do you like to do as a hobby and in your free time?
 
I live in the country by a small lake and have woods in my back yard so I like to fish-feed the birds I have like 20 feeders-feed the deer and spend time with my rat terrier dog ozzy he is 11 years old. Todd
 
That sounds wonderful. Did you diagnose yourself as having High Functioning Autism or did a clinician do so? I diagnosed myself and was told by a relative that my daughter exhibits HFA. Her son was diagnosed with HFA and I have been doing a lot of reading and research on this topic. It seems as though we have some gifts and skills that accompany this disorder.
 
Datura said:
It's a cliche refrain, but quite germain to my present predicament.

I have been unemployed and in therapy for months now, and I haven't made any progress.

I decided that in order to ease myself back into the work force I would take some volunteer work at the local food bank. It seemed like something I could do. It was low pressure, only a couple of days a week for a few hours at a time, and I would be giving back to the community and engaging with the outside world, rather than spending time in issolation with my own vicious thoughts.

Leading up to my shift today I had a total breakdown. I started crying, then laughing, and experienced this sharp pain between my eyes. I felt like killing myself, and might have actually tried if there were nobody to miss me.

How can I stop these feelings? They are holding me back from doing anything and making me totally dependent on other people. I was actually doing really well for a couple of years there, but now everything has fallen apart and I am just as bad as ever. I feel useless and stupid and I don't know what I am going to say to my parents when they get home. They are going to be so dissapointed in me.

I am so sick of being this whiny, sulking, parasite. I have no good reason for feeling the way I do, no legitimate impedements. I try to tell myself, "You are an intelligent, brave, capable woman. You can do anything!", but it doesn't work.

Nothing seems to work...
Click to expand...
 
Do you have a list of things that you do well in? I am sure you have a lot of fabulous gifts and strengths. I know you are intelligent, creative and feel you are open-minded and a deep thinker.
 
MARGARETMARYANTOINETTE said:
That sounds wonderful. Did you diagnose yourself as having High Functioning Autism or did a clinician do so? I diagnosed myself and was told by a relative that my daughter exhibits HFA. Her son was diagnosed with HFA and I have been doing a lot of reading and research on this topic. It seems as though we have some gifts and skills that accompany this disorder.
Click to expand...
I was diagnosed 18 months I will be 45 next Saturday. Todd
 
So you are a Libra? I am as well and will be 49 on Monday the 5th. My sister will be 46 next Saturday the 3rd. Happy Birthday. Libras are great people if I say so myself.
 
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