I am very strict with people around me and myself

[Lula1989]

I jist started reading the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0. Comes woth an assessment to see what areas you can work on to better understand your emotions and how to mange then, and then how to understand others emotions and management of that. Really informative and helps expand your mind on stepping outside of yourself to understand others and have difficult convos. Might help if you find yourself getting upset or unable to express your feelings

 

[WereBear]

I finally realized that I cannot control everyone, only myself

Exactly. I learned from the Tao: control is an illusion.

 

[Sabrina]

Before coffee, or when I am stressed out, or in the middle of the night, it can be difficult to control my intolerance to mistakes.

I just read something that I had written at the beginning of the year, about all the things that went through my mind, just before coffee. I couldn't stand that my husband would not carry his own plate after breakfast for two meters and put in the sink; or that he would see the trash overflowing and would not have the initiative to take it out; or that I would be helping the kids in the morning, and he would be totally oblivious checking his phone. For me, those were all mistakes. I tried to convince myself that I should not be angry about them, that I should think about all the other things he did well, but I just couldn't. After coffee I could take it easier, but the memory of the feeling was still there.

That is similar to what happens when I hear other people chewing, it drives me nuts, makes me angry, and the more I try to convince myself that it is ridiculous to feel that way, the worse I get. Now I admit it drives me crazy, and I just put music to cover the noise.

In the case of my husband, I really tried for 18 years to not let those little things annoy me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. We are separated now.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Before coffee, or when I am stressed out, or in the middle of the night, it can be difficult to control my intolerance to mistakes.

I just read something that I had written at the beginning of the year, about all the things that went through my mind, just before coffee. I couldn't stand that my husband would not carry his own plate after breakfast for two meters and put in the sink; or that he would see the trash overflowing and would not have the initiative to take it out; or that I would be helping the kids in the morning, and he would be totally oblivious checking his phone. For me, those were all mistakes. I tried to convince myself that I should not be angry about them, that I should think about all the other things he did well, but I just couldn't. After coffee I could take it easier, but the memory of the feeling was still there.

That is similar to what happens when I hear other people chewing, it drives me nuts, makes me angry, and the more I try to convince myself that it is ridiculous to feel that way, the worse I get. Now I admit it drives me crazy, and I just put music to cover the noise.

In the case of my husband, I really tried for 18 years to not let those little things annoy me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. We are separated now.

the chewing we’re the same.

The husband. I’m not your husband. I’m not am I? I’m getting older

Seems like those little things add up. Respect means moving the dishes, the little things disappear.

Seems like you’ve made some positive changes.

For me, as your non husband, I’m convinced you’re proud and happy with your choice.

 

[WereBear]

In the case of my husband, I really tried for 18 years to not let those little things annoy me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. We are separated now.

And if it takes 18 years to do more of his share of household work... perhaps he is too slow a learner to put up with. If you find your tasks are easier without him, that is a clear sign he was NOT "pulling his weight," as the saying goes. People I've known have often found this after divorce from a man-child. Their other children grow up and learn to be adults, while their husbands were not!

 

[WereBear]

The source of mistakes are an important clue about how to feel about them.

• Perfectionism is a dysfunctional attitude. It's not human to expect perfection. It undermines our efforts, leads to procrastination and depression, and actually hinders the real goal, which is "striving for excellence."
• Consideration is often what we want from those around us. When we don't get it this is understandably frustrating. Drawing our boundaries about what we will put up with, and what we can or can't, is another helpful exercise. For me, it's the *&^%$#@ crackle-crackle of certain kinds of packaging that I have tried to restrict to the kitchen. I have a set of resealable containers I put this stuff in and throw the bag out. It's my peeve, and I'll take care of it.
• Why of our own mistakes can help us. Instead of berating ourselves, figure out if we were overtired, overstressed, distracted, given unclear instructions, or any number of things that can undermine our performance despite our best intentions. Get rid of barriers to performance instead of beating ourselves up for not jumping higher. There's limits, people.
• Unexamined assumptions about what mistakes mean. I dislike being berated over mistakes so much I tried to never make one and divert the coming lecture. What works much better is derailing the berating. I try to train those perpetrators around me to understand that I will talk for hours about solutions; I don't need to hear more than 30 seconds about why something is a problem. I AGREE. Now change the subject to something useful, shall we?
• Hanlon's razor goes "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." For me, it is important to understand the motivations behind the mistakes. If someone keeps making mistakes because they really don't have the abilities to be trusted with whatever it is, I'll take it over OR disengage from the mayhem that results. If this is just pointless harassment so the harasser can momentarily feel superior or powerful -- wrath of god/dess will descend. No one should put it with that, and if fewer of us do, there will be less of it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

The source of mistakes are an important clue about how to feel about them.

• Perfectionism is a dysfunctional attitude. It's not human to expect perfection. It undermines our efforts, leads to procrastination and depression, and actually hinders the real goal, which is "striving for excellence."
• Consideration is often what we want from those around us. When we don't get it this is understandably frustrating. Drawing our boundaries about what we will put up with, and what we can or can't, is another helpful exercise. For me, it's the *&^%$#@ crackle-crackle of certain kinds of packaging that I have tried to restrict to the kitchen. I have a set of resealable containers I put this stuff in and throw the bag out. It's my peeve, and I'll take care of it.
• Why of our own mistakes can help us. Instead of berating ourselves, figure out if we were overtired, overstressed, distracted, given unclear instructions, or any number of things that can undermine our performance despite our best intentions. Get rid of barriers to performance instead of beating ourselves up for not jumping higher. There's limits, people.
• Unexamined assumptions about what mistakes mean. I dislike being berated over mistakes so much I tried to never make one and divert the coming lecture. What works much better is derailing the berating. I try to train those perpetrators around me to understand that I will talk for hours about solutions; I don't need to hear more than 30 seconds about why something is a problem. I AGREE. Now change the subject to something useful, shall we?
• Hanlon's razor goes "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." For me, it is important to understand the motivations behind the mistakes. If someone keeps making mistakes because they really don't have the abilities to be trusted with whatever it is, I'll take it over OR disengage from the mayhem that results. If this is just pointless harassment so the harasser can momentarily feel superior or powerful -- wrath of god/dess will descend. No one should put it with that, and if fewer of us do, there will be less of it.

Hanlons razor is one of those ones i rad about from time to time and say 'ill remember that'
The way my memory works is - I will forget again ut remember werebear knows that thing about being stupid or something.... be prepared

Mistakes - for me some people seem to need an historical discussion about it. 'Why didnt you...' etc etc
Look ive done it. I'm putting it right. I djdnt do it on purpose.
I think i said to my wife last time 'do we really need a historical discussion about this?'
(One of those ones i may pay for later )

 

[WereBear]

Mistakes - for me some people seem to need an historical discussion about it. 'Why didnt you...' etc etc
Look ive done it. I'm putting it right. I djdnt do it on purpose.

I have come to see this as a form of bullying they are probably not aware of. Can we move the heck on? I don't do this to you, don't do it to me!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I have come to see this as a form of bullying they are probably not aware of. Can we move the heck on? I don't do this to you, don't do it to me!

That's good. You are now my therapist.

Correction : you are now my free therapist.

 

[Sabrina]

And if it takes 18 years to do more of his share of household work... perhaps he is too slow a learner to put up with. If you find your tasks are easier without him, that is a clear sign he was NOT "pulling his weight," as the saying goes. People I've known have often found this after divorce from a man-child. Their other children grow up and learn to be adults, while their husbands were not!

Yes, it’s like that.

 

[OlLiE]

i do the same, i fixed it by telling myself that it is up to me to be the best i can be,
if other people can't meet that benchmark, that's their problem

expecting people to live up to the standards you set yourself is a recipe for disaster,
even worse, you actually have no right to expect people to be like you,
one you accept that they are not perfect, it becomes easier to deal with their failings,
and maybe realise that i have a few failings of my own

 

[Benjamin Dover]

expecting people to live up to the standards you set yourself is a recipe for disaster,
even worse, you actually have no right to expect people to be like you,
one you accept that they are not perfect, it becomes easier to deal with their failings,
and maybe realise that i have a few failings of my own

When I was a kid, I had this idea that adults had their sh*t together, and behaved like adults.

Now, all I see are mostly over-sized children acting like morons, with some adults here and there.

This conversation has been interesting. It went from "being strict," to "wanting to control others," to "expectations."

For me, expectations depend on what a person is doing. For example, if someone tells me they play guitar, then I have the expectation that they know how to tune the instrument, since that's part of the basics behind it.

This "thinking" sometimes works against me. For example, when someone is a manager, I expect them to know everything about what the people under them are doing. This cuts two ways: One, in that the manager in question becomes a disappointment to me because they appear to not have one clue about what the people who are working are actually doing, and two... even more difficult... I will never be a manager, for I will never know everything, and therefore will not be qualified to be the manager, via my own expectations that I have of someone who is a manager.

Yes, a manager should know how to manage people. That's something I cannot do. However, if the manager is managing people, and they do not know the details of what they're managing, then they're over-glorified, over-paid babysitters of adults who get paid more to talk about the work being done, which they don't understand, than those who are actually doing the work.

If someone is the President of the USA, then I expect them to behave like a president and an adult. That has been hit-or-miss over the decades.

I don't expect them to be like me, and I have no interest in controlling them. I do have expectations, especially when it comes to their job [i.e., manager] or position in life [adult].

 

[OlLiE]

When I was a kid, I had this idea that adults had their sh*t together, and behaved like adults.

Now, all I see are mostly over-sized children acting like morons, with some adults here and there.

This conversation has been interesting. It went from "being strict," to "wanting to control others," to "expectations."

For me, expectations depend on what a person is doing. For example, if someone tells me they play guitar, then I have the expectation that they know how to tune the instrument, since that's part of the basics behind it.

This "thinking" sometimes works against me. For example, when someone is a manager, I expect them to know everything about what the people under them are doing. This cuts two ways: One, in that the manager in question becomes a disappointment to me because they appear to not have one clue about what the people who are working are actually doing, and two... even more difficult... I will never be a manager, for I will never know everything, and therefore will not be qualified to be the manager, via my own expectations that I have of someone who is a manager.

Yes, a manager should know how to manage people. That's something I cannot do. However, if the manager is managing people, and they do not know the details of what they're managing, then they're over-glorified, over-paid babysitters of adults who get paid more to talk about the work being done, which they don't understand, than those who are actually doing the work.

If someone is the President of the USA, then I expect them to behave like a president and an adult. That has been hit-or-miss over the decades.

I don't expect them to be like me, and I have no interest in controlling them. I do have expectations, especially when it comes to their job [i.e., manager] or position in life [adult].

i agree, i do the same, however, i have learned that my expectations about what another people should be able to do or how they should act are not a universally accepted benchmark and cannot be imposed and enforced. So at the end of the despite being right, i always lose.

Some people may find a president or manager competent while other people don't, because they have different expectations.

The point i was trying to make is that expectations and the resulting judgement of others are most often not based on a generally accepted benchmark. So before basing one's judgements on others based on one's own set of criteria, it's always useful to verify that that set of criteria are reasonable and also allow for ad hoc human error.

But like i said, i do the exact same thing, being strict of other people gets me into a lot of trouble, being more understanding relieves stress on myself and makes working with others easier. Once i have defined an acceptable amount of 'disappointment' in, it makes it easier to deal with if it shows up.

By the way I was recently fired from my job, basically for this reason. Clearly, striving for perfection in reality often leads to a result that is sub par to allowing in an acceptable amount of imperfection.

In my opinion anyway

 

[Benjamin Dover]

The point i was trying to make is that expectations and the resulting judgement of others are most often not based on a generally accepted benchmark.

That might be true. I know perspective can play a role, as can intelligence [or lack thereof], life experience, complex beliefs [both supported and not], cultural origin, financial status, social position, age, and more.

 

[WereBear]

By the way I was recently fired from my job, basically for this reason. Clearly, striving for perfection in reality often leads to a result that is sub par to allowing in an acceptable amount of imperfection.

Crap! I hate that.