Hypersensitive over criticism

[Vitamin Sea]

Do you also get hypersensitive when you are criticised?

This is me by default, it is really an involuntary response that is so hard to manage. My blood pressure surges up and I become hot-tempered. It affects my relationship with my husband who is a teacher, and it is really his second nature to quickly point out mistakes. Typical examples are how he lectures me on how kitchen towels should be dried, I must not do the laundry at night ( I have no choice since my son still has toilet training issues), common housework troubles or I failed to establish a good conversation with his friends and colleagues. Sometimes, I'm just awkward in social events and faux pas happen before I know it and he makes me regret every minute about it.

He already knows I'm an aspie and he is exposed to several students in the spectrum. Shouldn't acceptance for my flaws be greater than the urge for him to criticise? At least my mistakes are negligible, and they are far from infidelity.

There's more about this feeling that goes beyond what I can describe in words. I know my fellow aspies are really good at writing their feelings (which really reflect mine too).

I would like to know how you deal with this.

 

[SusanLR]

Can't handle criticism.
If the accusations are false it's even worse.

Quick. Someone hand me a stack of plates!

 

[Progster]

Do you also get hypersensitive when you are criticised?

Yes. Though if it is over something that I also criticise myself over, I can accept it. If it's something that is unjustified, then I can't and don't accept it. I don't get upset because I take it personally, I get upset because I'm being falsely accused, it's wrong and unjustified.

 

[Fino]

Yep!

Always an intense reaction.

What kind of intense reaction depends on the person and the criticism, but it almost always results in a ridiculous amount of time spent ruminating. No matter how much my mind seems to be convinced that I'm not affected and don't care, I'm "not affected and not caring" for hours or days of thought madness.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh yes, that is so me, horribly.

Outwards, when it happens, I seem ok, but inwards, I am mortified and feel myself grow very hot and surreal.

My husband is similar to yours, but he has mellowed, especially as I finally note that he is not exactly what he expects of me and that helps to improve our marriage.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Typical examples are how he lectures me on how kitchen towels should be dried, I must not do the laundry at night

Took me 15 years to realise I can just ask people to stop.

It makes me unhappy when you say that, I'm asking you to stop.

We are both doing our best and have the right to do things in our own way without criticism.


See how that goes down

 

[Crossbreed]

I like practical & constructive criticism from trusted sources. It usually means looking at a problem from a different angle.

Saying, "You wouldn't have this problem, if you'd only stop [being autistic]..." is none of the above.

 

[Mia]

Typical examples are how he lectures me on how kitchen towels should be dried, I must not do the laundry at night ( I have no choice since my son still has toilet training issues), common housework troubles or I failed to establish a good conversation with his friends and colleagues.

I think I would likely take offense at that as well. If someone criticized the way I do things, which work for me. Indicate to him that it's his job now to ensure that the kitchen towels are dried the way he wants them to be. And keep doing it the way you like.

As for laundry, you have a young son, and that requires a great deal of time and effort. Indicate to him that it's for your son's and your benefit, and is not about him. That it's necessary.

You are not required to have conversations with his friends and colleagues, unless you decide that you want to. Indicate that it's not in your job description as wife, mother, housekeeper and that they are his friends and colleagues, not yours.

Request constructive criticism, rather than caustic criticism. With actual solutions rather than fault-finding. Then if you like, turn it around and criticize him in a similar fashion, and ask him if he enjoys it. It might make him realize that he needs to do it differently.

 

[Vitamin Sea]

I think I would likely take offense at that as well. If someone criticized the way I do things, which work for me. Indicate to him that it's his job now to ensure that the kitchen towels are dried the way he wants them to be. And keep doing it the way you like.

As for laundry, you have a young son, and that requires a great deal of time and effort. Indicate to him that it's for your son's and your benefit, and is not about him. That it's necessary.

You are not required to have conversations with his friends and colleagues, unless you decide that you want to. Indicate that it's not in your job description as wife, mother, housekeeper and that they are his friends and colleagues, not yours.

Request constructive criticism, rather than caustic criticism. With actual solutions rather than fault-finding. Then if you like, turn it around and criticize him in a similar fashion, and ask him if he enjoys it. It might make him realize that he needs to do it differently.

Thanks Mia!

I imitated the way he criticised me before and that led to a major argument.

I have been trying to improve how I handle these situations and to improve our communication to prevent further stress.

I also need to accept constructive criticism. I think it takes time.

 

[Tom]

It sounds like your husband is the one needing some lessons in interpersonnal relationships.

You do come across people, I've even seen special ed teachers, who use 'Shame and Blame' as a way to control people. It doesn't work and only leads to ever increasing resentment by the recipient.

 

[Vitamin Sea]

It sounds like your husband is the one needing some lessons in interpersonnal relationships.

You do come across people, I've even seen special ed teachers, who use 'Shame and Blame' as a way to control people. It doesn't work and only leads to ever increasing resentment by the recipient.

Thanks. Shame and Blame is a new term for me. Anyway, can you give me an example of how special ed teachers use this as a way to control people? I just want to know..

 

[Fino]

I once had a teacher talk to me about how she's against that, in the context of sneezing.

It was Kindergarten age, I believe, and she talked about how a child sneezed right in her face because she didn't cover her mouth.

One option was to say, "Shannon! You just sneezed right in my face! That is disgusting! You have to cover your mouth or people will get sick!"

Another option is to say, "Shannon, next time you sneeze I want you to cover your mouth, please, just like this," and then show that it's done using the elbow. At least that's how they teach it nowadays around here.

It removes the blame, "you just did this," and removes the shame, "that is disgusting," and cuts straight to a solution with no worry about the past.

 

[Tom]

Thanks. Shame and Blame is a new term for me. Anyway, can you give me an example of how special ed teachers use this as a way to control people? I just want to know..

They shouldn't. Its what someone who doesn't know what they are doing might use.