How would you cope with the loss of your special interest?

[Mia]

My closest friend/companion/spouse is recovering from spinal surgery. Some of the after effects are numbness in his fingers, and loss of about fifty percent of his ability to hear. He now wears hearing aids and is hoping that his hearing eventually heals or returns in some way.

He was a concert level musician and began as a child playing an instrument. He worked at a job most of his life, and played music the rest of the time. It was his only 'special interest.' And now he cannot or will not attempt to play.

How would you cope with loss of your special interest of a lifetime? Have you lost interest in something that used to mean a lot to you?

At the moment he's reading every moment of the day, and has read eight books in the past week. Perhaps as a diversion. I'm wondering how any one who loses their ability for something that's most important to them is able to switch that desire to something else. Would therapy help? In accepting this loss of function.

 

[tree]

The question you are asking is how to deal with the loss
of the ability to pursue an interest that was previously dear
to a person.

The interest may remain, but changes have taken place that
make functioning in the accustomed way difficult to impossible.

 

[Streetwise]

My closest friend/companion/spouse is recovering from spinal surgery. Some of the after effects are numbness in his fingers, and loss of about fifty percent of his ability to hear. He now wears hearing aids and is hoping that his hearing eventually recovers.

He was a concert level musician and began as a child playing an instrument. He worked at a job most of his life, and played music the rest of the time. It was his only real 'special interest.' And now he cannot or will not play.

How would you cope with loss of your special interest of a lifetime? Any suggestions?

What I've learned is I only want to survive ,the happiest I am is when I am not panicking .
Creativity is healthy but there are many forms of creativity ,if he doesn't have my levels of stress then creativity will be more important to him!.
for instance I appreciate that I can eat things with fat in them as I have regular indigestion .
I'm not saying that I am extremely righteous, I'm just saying this is the way my life is now .
I miss what I could do when I wasn't in pain but I appreciate resting and the pain stopping because I don't move.

 

[I love roses]

I’m just having a hard time finding another special interest. I feel most alive when I am obsessing over a topic or field especially if it’s pays money or has a benefit to it. I had good career as an analyst/trouble shooter. Now i’m disabled with pain but still want to pursue something. I can’t decide on anything and it drives me nuts. I was into monastic religion a while but I found out some things that were disappointments. I’ve read books on thinking outside the box entrepreneur jobs but I can’t find anything I can do at my physical or mental level. I have burnout from the career so I don’t want to work if it doesn’t fuel a passion or obsession as that helps me forget about depression and pain. People tell me i’m smart so I’d like to see if i can push past some of my boundaries and pull off something bigger than I’ve ever done before. But I can’t seem to think of anything. I don’t know what my skills are and I don’t have education. I have brain fog, fibromyalgia, other ailments, and Im just burned out from trying at life so hard all those years. But I need passion fuel to enjoy life at something that won’t suck me dry.

 

[Bolletje]

I would grieve for a bit, then find a new interest.

 

[SusanLR]

@Mia that is a hard one.
I would rate what your friend is going through equal to loss of someone to death.
If you lose what you considered made your life uniquely yours, I don't know what to say.
I've lost both the life I've always known and the one person I loved most at the same time.
I really don't know how to look forward in life at this point. Age and health has a lot to do with it too.

 

[Gritches]

Psychologically speaking, this is more like a death and less like the loss of an interest. It's like a death because it is most definitely a loss, but although nearly indistinguishable from the sudden death of a loved one there's a second consideration to be made: how it would impact his personal identity.

Odds are, being a musician is a prominent feature in his personal identity. Losing that all of a sudden is to lose a big piece of how he understands his place in the world and his purpose for being in it. It wasn't mere amusement to him, it was who he was. That's why losing such a thing like that feels just like someone died, because somebody did, essentially - a part of you.

In both the case of an actual death and in the death of part of your personal identity, the cause of the pain is the same - lack of closure. I've done kind of a clumsy job of explaining it, but if he can find some way to find closure over his loss, if he can find some way to say "goodbye" or find some other way to not have to say "goodbye", he'll not merely "get over it" but actually move on and have nothing but fond memories rather than regrets, feelings of inadequacy, and other negative emotions that can spawn from a lack of closure.

 

[Progster]

I also once found myself in a position of not being able to directly engage in a special interest, and it felt like grief. A huge loss. I would probably try to compensate in some way, find another way to engage in the interest, or revert to an old special interest, or eventually a new one might come along.

I hope the feeling in his fingers is restored, so he can play again.

Does he compose?

 

[Major Tom]

That's a tough question to answer, but as a recovered spinal surgery patient, I can say with some hopefulness, that though it may take a while, he should expect to recover to at least 85% of previous ability. I'm 5 years post surgery and that's where I am at, and I didn't do any of the things you probably should after a surgery. Stick with the rehab and maybe he will be back to 100% by the time he is 5 years post surgery.

 

[Bella Pines]

That's really hard. Personally I would cope very badly. When I lose something like that, even in a small way, it takes meaning out of every aspect of my life. When I realized that I couldn't earn enough to support my kids by being an author, I felt like I had lost my special interest and that led to about 2 years of depression. I've seen aspies switch special interests quickly but I've never been able to do that, I find something and put my soul into it. So to get through the loss I did need a substitute or else I would have given up on just about everything. Eventually I found a few smaller and related hobbies like short stories. He probably won't seek out the replacement, it's difficult to find the light when you're in a tunnel, but maybe he can find a branch of his interest, like music for the hard of hearing, or optical music, touch/vibrational music? Really loud rock concert music!

 

[I love roses]

That's really hard. Personally I would cope very badly. When I lose something like that, even in a small way, it takes meaning out of every aspect of my life. When I realized that I couldn't earn enough to support my kids by being an author, I felt like I had lost my special interest and that led to about 2 years of depression. I've seen aspies switch special interests quickly but I've never been able to do that, I find something and put my soul into it. So to get through the loss I did need a substitute or else I would have given up on just about everything. Eventually I found a few smaller and related hobbies like short stories. He probably won't seek out the replacement, it's difficult to find the light when you're in a tunnel, but maybe he can find a branch of his interest, like music for the hard of hearing, or optical music, touch/vibrational music? Really loud rock concert music!

What do you do when you can’t figure out what the next thing will bring long term fulfillment and happiness? I thought of starting ministries or businesses but i’m not sure I have what it takes at my older age. I don’t want to do something just as a time filler or for free. I’m studying dress making and pattern making but my environment at home is going to get in the way of that probably. I am stuck in indecision and can’t figure out what will make me happy again. It will need to supplement income but not be a burden and it will need to fuel my identity. I don’t change interests easily and quickly either. I’m trying to hang in there with couture sewing and design. My husband is a hoarder so he will probably sabotage my space to work.

 

[Mia]

Does he compose?

He was a musician who never hit a wrong note, technically oriented, with perfect pitch. Someone you might hire to play a piece exactly, a session musician but not a composer.

 

[Kirsty]

How would you cope with loss of your special interest of a lifetime? Have you lost interest in something that used to mean a lot to you?

As you know, my special interest lies within art. When my one and only friend left me suddenly a few years ago, so did my interest. For twelve years before that, I also lost my interest due to family trauma. I only got to experience the joy of art for a year after moving away when my friend had left. After that, it was a struggle to even focus then I threw myself in to work and lost my self worth. The only times I do art now is when I feel loved and stable. My newest friend, I have a lot to thank for as I had literally no one before. It’s hard these days to find that focus and love from within as most of the time I feel scarred on the inside and dwell on my shortcomings.

 

[SusanLR]

The only times I do art now is when I feel loved and stable.

Art and working with exotic plants in my green house were a special interest that gave me much pleasure.
At this point, I haven't been able to find the incentive to achieve pursuit either for the same reason.
My life is far from stable especially in my living arrangement and no one I can say I feel a truly loving trust with. Everything is so unsure I can't even have a pet for comfort the way I am now living.
It's like a tornado took everything I called my life and dropped me into never, never land.
A land I never, never wanted to be in.
Many days it's hard to make myself do what I have to, but, I take what I can and try to see some good
in each day.
Hey, I do have a few houseplants and a Monarch garden to tend!

 

[Gracey]

Is it necessary for him to switch interests?

He currently has 50% hearing and some numbness in his fingers, this is in the recovery stages after spinal surgery.
Over time this may improve?
Would that be accurate?

His ability is innate and a great passion it will always be there, he may feel that pull towards it at a stage in his recovery?

Coping with the idea of the loss of something so important and linked to identity isn’t an easy one.

 

[Kirsty]

Everything is so unsure I can't even have a pet for comfort the way I am now living.
It's like a tornado took everything I called my life and dropped me into never, never land.
A land I never, never wanted to be in.
Many days it's hard to make myself do what I have to, but, I take what I can and try to see some good
in each day.

Wow! This explains my life (well, existence) to a T. That’s a saying, but I guess you know what that means. Where I stay, there’s a housing agreement policy that strictly don’t allow pets and I have done what I can to suggest changing the rules, but no. I do compensate going to the park and see other dogs. The tornado is exactly the right word to describe my life because I’m always on my own after always being together with my ex unexpectedly, but thankfully, I do have a very good friend these days, but it’s not the same. Hugs to you!!! There is someone out there who understands and relates.

 

[Mia]

Over time this may improve?
Would that be accurate?

His ability is innate and a great passion it will always be there, he may feel that pull towards it at a stage in his recovery?

It's possible that the numbness will go away, at this stage of recovery it's unknown. As for the hearing loss, also an unknown. Given the plasticity of the brain and it's ability to reroute and create new pathways, it might. I'm no neuroscientist.

Do think that there may be ways to overcome this, with specialized headphones and the wearing of pressure sensitive finger picks. If they actually exist.

 

[Mr Allen]

I had to give up Karate training due to a back injury so I know what it's like.