How to talk to my daughter about her possible Aspergers

[ksheehan88]

So, my 8 year old daughter has been asking me questions because her teacher has told her someone is coming in to school to see her about her anger and struggles in school. She has asked me also if she has special needs and said that she is different. I'm not really sure how to approach it because she isn't diagnosed yet and I don't want to cause her unnecessary worry and upset over something that might not even be.

 

[WereBear]

It would never hurt to acquaint her with the concept of "people think in different ways, and that is good!"

 

[ksheehan88]

It would never hurt to acquaint her with the concept of "people think in different ways, and that is good!"

We've always discussed how everyone is different in lots of different ways and people think differently from eachother. This is much more specific though, so I'm not sure what to tell her and not to tell her, if I tell her anything.

 

[Nitro]

I personally think you are over-thinking this.
Maybe the best time to have this discussion is after the fact instead of before it.

 

[ksheehan88]

I personally think you are over-thinking this.
Maybe the best time to have this discussion is after the fact instead of before it.

If she wasn't asking questions, I wouldn't bother to mention it but I can't really just not answer

 

[WereBear]

She has asked me also if she has special needs and said that she is different.

You can tell her that you are trying to figure that out, perhaps? And that it is not an easy question?

 

[ksheehan88]

You can tell her that you are trying to figure that out, perhaps? And that it is not an easy question?

That's good, thankyou

 

[Judge]

Seems like a tough issue. I mean, I sometimes wonder how I might have or have not been able to process being self-aware as a child rather than as an adult. And how decisive it may have been had someone explained it to me in just a certain way for me to understand at the time.

Which usually leaves me shaking my head, realizing that it wasn't a simple matter even when I was in my fifties when I first began to accept the idea of being on the spectrum.

 

[Kirsty]

You look young having an eight year old daughter.

 

[Mia]

I'm not a parent ksheehan but I found some links that might help:

When should I tell my child they’re autistic, and how do I tell them? - Autistic Not Weird

Pathfinders for Autism | Articles

Explaining Autism to Kids

 

[WereBear]

I would have liked to know. I did not realize what was holding me back until I was also in my fifties. What a lot of stress and wasted opportunity and wrong turns and self-blame that could have been avoided.

 

[orphan]

If she is asking... she likely knows something is different.

I simply told my son about my situation.
Not sure how knowing might have effected my childhood.
I just thought I was on the wrong planet. Easily frustrated and often defending myself. To nt's... that means angry and violent.
Had I been told I was gifted... I might have developed a sense of compassion for the un-gifted, rather than internalizing and further isolation. Never know...

I make sure they know there are very few absolute truths in this world. One is that we are all just guessing and their guess is as good as mine.

 

[Gritches]

Hmm...I'm going to approach this from a psychological standpoint. Indeed, if she's asking questions she probably knows something is different but doesn't know why; piecing together exactly "why" may very well be the meta-goal of her questioning - I'd bet on it anyway.

In 8 years of the dedicated study of psychology, one of my surest conclusions is that unresolved "why" questions are the greatest source of psychological strife ("Why did that happen?", "Why is this that way?", "Why didn't XYZ happen?", etc). That has a few implications in this case:

First, to resolve a "why" question, an answer must be provided and it must be indisputable; a shaky or uncertain answer will just spawn more "why" questions. The best way to provide such an answer is with hard facts. So, for this reason, it's best to get to a concrete answer ASAP (diagnosis or non-diagnosis) and have the "what is Aspergers?" conversation after the fact, because a "you might have it" conversation is likely to spawn further uncertainty and thus cause more harm than good.

TL;DR - I agree with Nitro.

 

[Keigan]

Celebrate her individuality and let the details come about as they will.

 

[discus150]

I focused on helping my daughters with the symptoms, and strategies for dealing with those symptoms. I did start talking with them about autism and Asperger before they were evaluated, but I also explained that they had characteristics similar to someone on the spectrum. And I emphasized that there was nothing wrong with them just different.

 

[discus150]

I also make a point of emphasizing different/unique, and not bad or wrong. Emotions are a big spot where kids struggle to understand it how we act on the emotion, not the emotion that's good or bad. This is what I work with my children and students on.

 

[Bella Pines]

Sounds like the two of you are both working out your perceptions. Using words like "different", "diagnosed" and "special needs" lend themselves to a perception that aspergers is a disability. Then once labelled, the patient will likely attempt to live up to that disability and act accordingly. Maybe look to thinking about it as a personality type and using words like "unique" and "able to think outside the box" and try to formulate a positive perception. Once you have formed your opinion then you can share it with her and move on to more important and practical topics (than labels and perceptions) such as coping mechanisms for anger management.