How to Stop Caring

[bentHnau]

When someone says something wrong, I get this itch to correct. Mostly it's pointing out fallacious arguments. At this point in my life, all of my socializing is online, so there are a lot of things to correct.

It drives me crazy. I haven't quite figured out how to not care. I grew up with this view of adults that they were all responsible and mature (including intellectually mature), and that everyone developed their intellectual skills at the same rate. I know that it's unrealistic, but I haven't been able to let it go and accept that there are lots of people with unsatisfactory critical thinking skills. These aren't just differences of opinion I'm talking about; these are flaws in reasoning that are obvious to me, but appear to not be obvious to others. It's like being surrounded by children, and at any given point, one of them is insisting that 2 + 2 = 7.

I've been working on it. I stick to just a couple of different forums rather than ranging over the vast fields of stupidity that comprise the Internet. I've learned that some people just don't care, some will say anything to prove a point, some are operating at advanced stages of trolling, and I look out for all of those things (mostly I participate on one other ASD forum, and people there are honest and straightforward). I've gone a long way towards fully absorbing the idea that people develop at their own pace, and some people don't know things that I know. It's relatively easy to accept this when I'm dealing with youngsters; it's very difficult to accept when I'm dealing with adults my age and older. Besides that, it just feels so wrong to fully accept it, because I effectively have to force myself to believe that most people are not as quick-witted or able as I expect them to be. I have to lower my opinion of people. Not only does it go against my instincts, it's quite depressing.

Sometimes people don't even understand what I'm saying to them. Sometimes, I ask them questions about what they think, only to be disappointed that they can't or won't even dig deep into their own ideologies. When stuff like this happens, the conversation often remains incomplete; we don't understand each other and can't come to any conclusion. Unresolved discussions like that especially drive me insane. I like to go into depth, to get to the bottom of stuff, and it just feels terrible and wrong to go on with my life without "finishing." I know that not everyone has the time, energy, or inclination for that. I know that it would be better for me to just find someone in real life as a discussion partner, but I'm not really in a place to do that right now. I expect to be in the near future, and I'm sort of tentatively looking, but I doubt that I'll have much better luck than I have now.

It's not just other people; it's me being obsessed and not being able to let stuff go. I regularly spend HOURS a day analyzing ideas in my head, rehashing discussions from years ago, looking for flaws. I'll strategize ways I could have explained myself better, and rehearse the words in my mind over and over because the discussion has ended months ago and I would seem crazy if I tried to bring it back to life and the other person doesn't care anyways, but I still need to "say" the words, even if just in my mind. I feel like the world is crashing down on my head if there are too many logical fallacies being committed in the universe or I can't come to conclusions about things. Like, what is the point of anything if vast numbers of people can't even think straight? What is going to happen to us, how are we to unite or agree on anything? I think the only way for me to feel like some sense of order remains is to correct, correct, correct.

So how do I stop caring? I already have hobbies to take up my time, but I'll stop in the middle of them and zone out on one of my argument analyzing marathons, so they don't help much.

 

[total-recoil]

When someone says something wrong, I get this itch to correct. Mostly it's pointing out fallacious arguments. At this point in my life, all of my socializing is online, so there are a lot of things to correct.

It drives me crazy. I haven't quite figured out how to not care. I grew up with this view of adults that they were all responsible and mature (including intellectually mature), and that everyone developed their intellectual skills at the same rate. I know that it's unrealistic, but I haven't been able to let it go and accept that there are lots of people with unsatisfactory critical thinking skills. These aren't just differences of opinion I'm talking about; these are flaws in reasoning that are obvious to me, but appear to not be obvious to others. It's like being surrounded by children, and at any given point, one of them is insisting that 2 + 2 = 7.

I've been working on it. I stick to just a couple of different forums rather than ranging over the vast fields of stupidity that comprise the Internet. I've learned that some people just don't care, some will say anything to prove a point, some are operating at advanced stages of trolling, and I look out for all of those things (mostly I participate on one other ASD forum, and people there are honest and straightforward). I've gone a long way towards fully absorbing the idea that people develop at their own pace, and some people don't know things that I know. It's relatively easy to accept this when I'm dealing with youngsters; it's very difficult to accept when I'm dealing with adults my age and older. Besides that, it just feels so wrong to fully accept it, because I effectively have to force myself to believe that most people are not as quick-witted or able as I expect them to be. I have to lower my opinion of people. Not only does it go against my instincts, it's quite depressing.

Sometimes people don't even understand what I'm saying to them. Sometimes, I ask them questions about what they think, only to be disappointed that they can't or won't even dig deep into their own ideologies. When stuff like this happens, the conversation often remains incomplete; we don't understand each other and can't come to any conclusion. Unresolved discussions like that especially drive me insane. I like to go into depth, to get to the bottom of stuff, and it just feels terrible and wrong to go on with my life without "finishing." I know that not everyone has the time, energy, or inclination for that. I know that it would be better for me to just find someone in real life as a discussion partner, but I'm not really in a place to do that right now. I expect to be in the near future, and I'm sort of tentatively looking, but I doubt that I'll have much better luck than I have now.

It's not just other people; it's me being obsessed and not being able to let stuff go. I regularly spend HOURS a day analyzing ideas in my head, rehashing discussions from years ago, looking for flaws. I'll strategize ways I could have explained myself better, and rehearse the words in my mind over and over because the discussion has ended months ago and I would seem crazy if I tried to bring it back to life and the other person doesn't care anyways, but I still need to "say" the words, even if just in my mind. I feel like the world is crashing down on my head if there are too many logical fallacies being committed in the universe or I can't come to conclusions about things. Like, what is the point of anything if vast numbers of people can't even think straight? What is going to happen to us, how are we to unite or agree on anything? I think the only way for me to feel like some sense of order remains is to correct, correct, correct.

So how do I stop caring? I already have hobbies to take up my time, but I'll stop in the middle of them and zone out on one of my argument analyzing marathons, so they don't help much.

Mixed feelings really. I am very analytical. You could say in some ways I can be slow to learn but, on the other hand, I'm like a dog with a bone and stay up late studying. I guess the reason I sleep more than average is I'm always learning what it is that interests me.
A trigger for me is to be patronised. I really hate being judged on appearance, spoken down to or under-estimated. I wasted vast amounts of time listening to people who told me I wasn't bright because I was withdrawn and had this visual learning situation so couldn't do well in regular classes. Any hint of being talked down to or suggestion I'm a failure is literally a red rag to a bull.
Since diagnosis (my own) I changed my life. I almost started getting arrogant in a quest to prove that aspies are not inferior so I would work very very hard and never switch off.
However, now I have gradually come to see that I do carry a chip on my shoulder some times (not saying you or anyone else is the same)and I had this mentality N.T.'s were all against me. Like I wanted to prove a point. However, really I have to accept that not all N.T.'s are intolerant and lots of people are good to me (even if sadly they don't understand how I'm wired).
Another problem I have is the lack of emotional development I have is a problem. It's not that I don't care but just seems my mind is so absorbed and highly wired with energy, I don't notice the small things that matter. Like my mother has been trying to get closer but I struggle to take time to do what I ought to do and sometimes feel a bit guilty.
So, really, I accepted that as an aspie I won't tolerate being ever called inferior but I do realise I'm missing something not being able to show and share emotion. I can see clearly now I am autistic in as much as my emotional development is making my life sometimes tragic. I could never find a girlfriend as girls gave up trying to figure me out or their friends or family thought I was too different. And people always ask me how it is I'm alone and really I keep quiet about the aspergers thing - really I think it goes deeper than just aspergers with me.
Lately I wonder whether my manic drive to learn more and more information will lead me to a crash as I shrug off everything else that's routine. The problem is no matter how hard I try I find I can't relate to normal people at all. I can crack jokes and there are people who do like me and give me things but deeper relationships don't seem to work. So, I just keep smiling and counting myself lucky I'm physically healthy and hope that as I study more about High Autism maybe I can find a way to turn a negative into a positive and maybe change peoples' minds about autistic spectrum people.

 

[frogpants]

I'm brand new here and haven't introduced myself but I wanted to comment on this.

This is actually a bit of a newsflash to me. I still haven't completely figured out that not everyone thinks deeply. Or not as deeply as I do. I totally get what you say about getting to the bottom of things. When I contemplate something and unbeknownst to me haven't reached the bottom, it'll nag at me. It won't feel right. And it'll pester me until I look at it from a different angle and finally reach the bottom. Then I can move on.

And yea, it really frustrates me when people have issues or problems that they don't know what to do about, especially when they turn to hate or anger and just stay there. I'm like, really?? That's as far as you're willing to go intellectually?

Or when people give solutions for a better society and they're very superficial.

I see flaws in reasoning all the time too. When I see them online I'm tempted to write long posts in an effort to educate them. I've done it with friends too. But people don't seem to want to hear it or they'll scoff at what I have to say or they'll say that my ideas take too much effort. Ha! Maybe that's part of it right there... it's hard for them but easy for us

Your 3rd paragraph is very educational for me (I don't know how to quote yet and my adhd won't let me figure it out right now ). You're ahead of me in realizing that people have different motives when they post. My entire life I've always assumed that people had the same motivations and good intentions as me. That's the one area of my personality that people think is either stupid or naive.

Honestly, the only reason I've been able to slow down substantially on my analyzing is because I finally found my own answers. I finally reached a point where I felt like I found what I was looking for.

What kills me and drove me to keep looking for answers was looking at people who are ~60+ and still have the mindset of an immature young person. I'm like, really?? You haven't learned anything??

 

[Turk]

Although I understand what your saying, you will go mad trying to fix a broken world. Employed as a problem solver, the world see's me as being overly negative, when I apply these principles to everyday life. People to some extent, just dont want to know. They tread a fine line between blissful ignorance and wanting to know. At the end of the day everyone varies in there depth and intelligence. Its what makes up the diversity of this world. Although sometimes it feels like an itch I cant scratch, if I judge them, then I no better than those that judge me.
Tolerance is a two way street. I see posts on this forum sometimes, that dont always have a lot of content. But the point is they are contributing and making others feel better in the process. I held very similar views to you but realized I cant control the way the world thinks, only how I deal with it

 

[paloftoon]

Another thing you can do is instead of saying your arguments, try writing everything down on paper. You can hand the piece of paper to whoever you want to tell, and they can skim it and you will get your point across that way. If you get too tired to write that all out, it may be easier to stop caring about it then.

 

[Maelstrom]

When someone says something wrong, I get this itch to correct. Mostly it's pointing out fallacious arguments. It's like being surrounded by children, and at any given point, one of them is insisting that 2 + 2 = 7.

Ah, caught some of your wicked sharp posts else where, suspected you thought like me, there is a certain symmetry and beauty in how you slice to the bone of a argument. So if you look above you have asked and answered your question. But to be fair as a auspie I can rip out the roots of the universe and hand it to them and they can use their superior social skills to rip a job, promotion, or pay raise out of my hands and walk away with it. So I am dumb at this, and they are dumb at that. Figuring out how to beat or hold the line against them takes even more thought. Because not only do you need a beautifully correct argument, but you need to get into their heads and bend your wording to appeal to their emotional currency, so they are willing to listen to you, not a easy thing for a aspie to do. You intrigue me I suspect you would be a formidable intellectual match, however my value system of natural law would likely offend you. I have been trying to learn how to sweeten my arguments with charm and empathy, as a failure to be heard is the same as a loss. Best wishes.. Maelstrom

 

[tree]

If the concern was really "to stop caring"
then analyzing one's thoughts
regarding why it seems necessary to care
would be
a first step.

 

[MicroWeiss]

watch yourself from the position of a neutral observer. you may find some emotional distance helpful. your reactions and feelings might not be due to extreme reactions to the argument at hand, you might be upset about something else and using psychological transference to vent that emotion on whatever comes up. it's good that you're asking the question, but dealing with this is probably not a quick fix.

i would recommend some self respect, and awareness of the things that you are really upset about. perhaps you are in a situation that you don't have a lot of control over, dealing with parents, teachers, bosses, and finding yourself unable to express yourself and live the way you believe. you might vent by being as extremely demanding of others as you feel others are being extremely demanding of you.

if you really want to behave perfectly, would you then want to impose the same constrictions on others? wouldn't behaving perfectly for yourself be reward enough? it's like if my boss hates his job, then when he gets stressed out he starts criticizing me in any way that could possibly strike a nerve in me. it's not because my work isn't good, it is because he has a lot of insecurities and is angry at having to work and pay child support to a woman who bitches at him, he wants to see me get angry at having to work, because he doesn't want to admit that -he- is angry at having to work.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

...I can rip out the roots of the universe and hand it to them and they can use their superior social skills to rip a job, promotion, or pay raise out of my hands and walk away with it. So I am dumb at this, and they are dumb at that. Figuring out how to beat or hold the line against them takes even more thought. Because not only do you need a beautifully correct argument, but you need to get into their heads and bend your wording to appeal to their emotional currency, so they are willing to listen to you...

This.

I'm pestering my kid to let me be his student in communication studies, because his improvisation class and speech classes are going over how to present in real-time. Hoping this shows me a way out of my very similar dilemmas.

 

[Maelstrom]

watch yourself from the position of a neutral observer. you may find some emotional distance helpful. your reactions and feelings might not be due to extreme reactions to the argument at hand, you might be upset about something else and using psychological transference to vent that emotion on whatever comes up. it's good that you're asking the question, but dealing with this is probably not a quick fix.

i would recommend some self respect, and awareness of the things that you are really upset about. perhaps you are in a situation that you don't have a lot of control over, dealing with parents, teachers, bosses, and finding yourself unable to express yourself and live the way you believe. you might vent by being as extremely demanding of others as you feel others are being extremely demanding of you.

if you really want to behave perfectly, would you then want to impose the same constrictions on others? wouldn't behaving perfectly for yourself be reward enough? it's like if my boss hates his job, then when he gets stressed out he starts criticizing me in any way that could possibly strike a nerve in me. it's not because my work isn't good, it is because he has a lot of insecurities and is angry at having to work and pay child support to a woman who bitches at him, he wants to see me get angry at having to work, because he doesn't want to admit that -he- is angry at having to work.

My sympathies to you Micro you, have a harder life than me, at least at work. Look at you, may be tougher than battle hardened Mael, all tho I do have my moments people seem to consistantly under estimate me. I never saw being pleasent or fair with others as being weak, but some people seem to veiw such virtues as shark chum. Which is sad as in the long run I think they do as much harm to their selves as others. Perhaps this is the great deviding line in people, the ability to see the long term benifits in the virtues, over short term selfish desires & and gain. It is a thing I struggle with, how to protect my self and surevive this world while doing the least harm possible to others, and hopefully being a blessing once in a while to people around me. This not a easy thing to do sometimes when you have personal needs & dificulties that conflict with others that they don't understand....Sigh! life is hard sometimes and full of disapointments. best wishes Micro , MAEL in a of sharks. I hope you don't mind the emoji they make me happy.