How to respect who my Aspie boyfriend is while not putting my own emotional needs last?

[daisychain]

First a little background -- I'm pretty sure my late father was Aspie -- I remember reading about "shadow autism" (before they called it Asperger's) back in the 1990s and it described him to a T. Unable to read social cues. Very blunt and unintentionally hurt people's feelings. Very intelligent. Was asked to a colleague's memorial service and said "Of course I won't go -- I'm not Catholic!" Didn't occur to him it was a way to show respect, regardless of religion.

In addition, he was abusive -- verbally, physically. I'm not saying Aspies are abusive -- my dad had elements of being Aspie but also his own toxic stew of emotions. It's a long story, but when I started dating 30 years ago, I was not emotionally or psychologically solid enough in myself to make good choices. I married a man 10 years older than me who was emotionally distant, aloof, controlling, and he turned out to be verbally abusive too. I've read a lot about narcissists (Sam Vaknin especially) and I think that's what his personality type is. No one made me marry him -- it was my choice -- my fault -- and I have since gotten lots of therapy and separated from him and I feel so much better.

And now I'm dating. I've been seeing this one guy since July. He's really sweet -- lovely to me -- thoughtful, protective, and if I ask him to meet me somewhere at 2:00 he's there early and has found a place in a crowded cafe for us to sit. But sometimes he just talks and talks and talks and doesn't seem to notice I too might have something to say about my life or my job. When we're out, he touches my arm, or my knee, but more to make a point when he's talking. On our third date, he kissed me goodbye (peck on the cheek) and when I pulled away, he looked...terrified. On our fifth date, I was at his place. Sitting next to him on a small couch. And he was complaining about work, so I figured I'd go for it. I reached out to caress his arm, then the nape of his neck. He looked frozen. I stopped. I didn't know if he was asexual or just didn't like me that way. Since then, I've followed my gut -- never touched him first, never kissed him first, and found that he didn't like or know how to handle good natured teasing.

Last date (a few days ago), he came to my place, and I told myself: accept the fact you may never be more than friends (even though I want a physical relationship) and he is a solid friend. Except this time he really kissed me, and he initiated a physical relationship. I was stunned. Happy, but stunned.

So now, having found this site and read a few more articles, I think he may be Aspie, and my question is: given my history, and real emotional needs, how do I let him be himself but still be fair to myself about what I need in a relationship? I feel like I have to be careful around him. I enjoy his company, but I am always conscious of not wanting to disrupt him (for lack of a better word).

Appreciate any thoughts and advice. He is a really dear person.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I don't date myself but perhaps even just aspie friend to NT friend advice might be of some use. I'm just self diagnosed but my family is certain that I have it, we're all in agreement about that. I would sit down and talk with your boyfriend about it all at some point if you want definite answers, but I'm sure myself and others on here would be more than happy to give some insight. I can only give insight with aspie thinking and behaviors as a whole, though.

I didn't know if he was asexual or just didn't like me that way. Since then, I've followed my gut -- never touched him first, never kissed him first, and found that he didn't like or know how to handle good natured teasing.

How experienced is he with dating? If he doesn't date much he might simply not know how to go about things. I've never dated simply because to me people are confusing enough just as friends and acquaintances, let alone as significant others. There's too many social expectations and such that I've left the issue of dating alone entirely cause its too confusing. Plus I'm not good at reading people - typical aspie symptom - so that combined with this makes interacting with others difficult. That's why I have issues with even lighthearted teasing, cause I can never tell if the other person is legitimately just teasing for fun or if there's real annoyance behind it that i'm not picking up on but supposed to pick up on somehow. If i'm around someone a lot I'll learn to read them easier eventually, but some people I just never learn how to read well.

So now, having found this site and read a few more articles, I think he may be Aspie, and my question is: given my history, and real emotional needs, how do I let him be himself but still be fair to myself about what I need in a relationship? I feel like I have to be careful around him. I enjoy his company, but I am always conscious of not wanting to disrupt him (for lack of a better word).

This is more of something you two will have to figure out with each other. Again, talk to him about it and see what works. Just as you need to acknowledge and work around his being an aspie, he needs to do the same for you.

 

[daisychain]

Kari -- thanks for the prompt and caring response. I appreciate your insights. I don't know how long he's been dating. He was married a long time ago, divorced, no kids, and he's tried online dating (we met speed dating). Good tip about teasing -- I could tell he wasn't sure how to respond.

I'll be seeing him this weekend. I have to figure out a way to bring things up without scaring him or making him tense up. I feel like there is enough there to work with (compared to my ex, who was impossible to communicate with and seemed to delight in frustrating me and making me upset). With my Aspie boyfriend, there is no intention to hurt me. No malice. In fact, in many ways he is more thoughtful and considerate than my ex. He did laugh though when I told him about a recent break up (this was on our first date) but then he apologized. I knew he wasn't making fun of me -- it was just his response.

 

[Warmheart]

Golly, you are considerate and thoughtful-- he's a lucky fellow! Yep, Aspie men are totally attractive! Sensitive yet logical, there's a mix of strength and vulnerability that compels us as strong women, as nurturers. They can sometimes be such brilliant-minded, solid, dependable rocks with adorable quirks. With an Aspie, it can be gentler and kinder to let them determine the pace of the relationship. This will allow him to remain open and relaxed, which is what you want.

You can always ask him about touch: Does he prefer to initiate touch? Does he prefer FIRM touch, and jerk away from touch that feels too irritatingly soft? Ask him to clue you in, so that you can find a way to make things pleasurable for him.

If you need something that bumps up against his Aspie-ness, you can communicate very directly and kindly, then really open up and listen to his response. All you want is for you both to be on the same side of an issue, or, at least to meet in the middle. Many guys with ASD are very fair, and if he can accommodate, he likely will try.

Aspie tendencies usually don't go away, but they can be managed. Allowing him most of his Aspie-ness means you understand much of the behaviors are about attaining equilibrium, and feelings of safety and wellbeing while living inside a body that's often dealing with sensory/social overload. Being understanding and generous on your part still means that you can both "meet in the middle" on stuff where you need him to take your needs into consideration as best he is able.

 

[Plumeria]

my question is: given my history, and real emotional needs, how do I let him be himself but still be fair to myself about what I need in a relationship? I feel like I have to be careful around him. I enjoy his company, but I am always conscious of not wanting to disrupt him (for lack of a better word).

Hi Daisychain,
I'm NT and was wondering … I don't think you mentioned whether the man you are dating has been diagnosed with Aspergers or is it something you suspect? I'm asking because I suspected my ex to have AS AFTER we broke up. Since then I've been reading a lot about AS and relationships. With the support of some people here and what I've read, I've learned a lot about myself and my relationship that might give you some insight, too.

YOUR HISTORY -- It sounds like we have similar histories and are attracted to the same types of men (a couple of my ex boyfriends were also narcissists). So when I met my ex, he was the most kind, gentle and logical man I've ever met … I felt like I was home when I was with him. After learning about AS, I also suspect that my father might be on the spectrum because he has so many of the traits -- that's probably why I felt at home with my ex! According to an article in Psychology Today, studies have shown that we are all attracted to what is familiar to us, and that repeated exposure to certain people will increase our attraction toward them. This is a subconsious process that we’re not even aware of or have any awareness of making such a choice. We are attracted to familiar people because we consider them to be safe and unlikely to cause harm. This doesn’t just apply to people we’ve actually seen before or to people who look familiar, but also to people who behave in ways that are familiar to us. For example, if you are a woman who grew up with an alcoholic father you will tend to be attracted to men who are alcoholics, not because you find them attractive but because you find their behaviour familiar. Even when someone’s behaviour or personality is hurtful, on a subconscious level, some part of us finds comfort in the familiarity of that behavior. So, based on your history -- this is probably why you are attracted to the man you are dating.

EMOTIONAL NEEDS -- I've also read in many books that our emotional needs as adults are based on the UNMET emotional needs from our childhood. Therefore, we are attracted to people who are "familiar" because we are subconsciously trying to resolve those unmet emotional needs from that past. Unfortunately, the men we are attracted to are the same men that probably won't be able to meet those needs. The men who are able to meet our emotional needs do NOT feel familiar to us or they are boring or we just don't feel a connection with them. Only YOU can resolve/fix those unmet emotional needs, nobody else. When you turn to another person to fix your feelings, the relationship becomes unhealthy and codependent.

HOW DO I LET HIM BE HIMSELF BUT STILL BE FAIR TO MYSELF ABOUT WHAT I NEED IN A RELATIONSHIP? -- Let him be himself, period. I'm sure you know, it doesn't matter what type of man you are dating NT/AS, we should not go into a relationship thinking we can change them. They will not change, they may be able to become more aware of some things and do them at your request (as some have already mentioned) but we cannot change them so just let him be himself. How do you be fair to yourself about what you need in a relationship? Don't take what he does (or doesn't do) personally. As some have mentioned, if you want something, ask for it but don't judge/assume his actions mean something because most of the time, they don't mean anything. Aspies are really good at not assuming things or "reading into things", maybe it has to do with the lack of social cues, but I personally think that it's a positive trait because they focus on the facts and not the emotion.

If he does something that hurts your feelings, remember that he is not doing it on purpose so don't REACT. Communicate your needs when you are calm and not in the grip of your emotion (a few kind people taught me that here ). You're lucky that you know he may have AS so early in the relationship, I didn't suspect that my ex might have AS until it was too late. If I had known, I could of handled things differently. Anyway, you may be interested in the books "22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Aspergers" by Rudy Simone and "Aspergers In Love" by Maxine Aston, they were very informative. I'm currently reading "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A Guide to Living in an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who is on the Autism Spectrum."

Finally, I think the more important question here is … How do you be yourself but still be fair to him and his social challenges? If you find that you cannot be yourself around him, that's something to think about. If there are things about yourself that you want to change, then take the steps to change it. I really believe that we cannot change others and only have the power to change ourselves. For example, the way I reacted to my father growing up was very negative, I would get defensive and upset when he didn't pay attention to me or criticized me. In 41 years of life, my father has gotten better watching what he says BUT when he is stressed he is the same as when I was young. It's just how he is and I finally accept it, I don't take it personally. In retrospect, I realized that I also reacted negatively towards my past ex boyfriends (not the most recent). I realized that I didn't like how I reacted to those types of situations and I became aware of my behavior and it took time for me to change it. I think thats why, with my last ex, I was more patient and understanding when he was withdrawn or said things that "hurt my feelings." I didn't react to things, I thought about it -- if my feelings were based on old insecurities or something that was not acceptable-- and then I talked to him when the time was right. Anyway, you get the idea.

Relationships are not easy regardless of who you are with… but I believe that if two people find each other and bring out the best in each other, they're a great match. So, let him bring out the best in you

 

[daisychain]

Warmheart -- thank you for posting and your lovely comments - wow so much good information. Yes, I feel like I've found a real prize, especially after dating some men who shower the compliments and attention only to leave after they get what they want. My Aspie is not a player. No way no how. And when he shows he likes me, it's real. He's not just doing it go get me into bed. And I feel really safe, emotionally, with him.

Good point about touch. I didn't realize a light touch could be irritatingly soft, but if that's how he sees it, I should find out.

One thing I would like him to do (interested to hear your thoughts) is give me a compliment once in a while. He has never done that. His eyes light up when he sees me and he smiles, but he never seems to notice a new dress or that I've spent extra time looking good for him. I would like to hear a compliment from him once in a while, but only if it's sincere. I could come out and ask him: do you like this dress? But from what I've read here, I should be prepared for him to say no. And I don't want him to be "fake" to please me and give me a compliment every time he sees me because I told him I like them. I guess it comes down to how much it bothers me. A little. I think that's something I could either bring up or let go.

 

[daisychain]

Plumeria -- wow -- so much good information. It's amazing -- I remember reading that same article in Psychology Today and running upstairs to show it to my daughter (17 at the time) and telling her: stop whatever AP stuff you're working on and read this -- it's important. Because I didn't want her to subconsciously choose a man like her dad (narcissist).

I definitely gravitated toward the familiar when I married my husband. And you're dead on when you say we try to fix the unmet needs of childhood. My father was emotionally distant and abusive; my ex was emotionally distant and abusive. I now know that when I married my ex, I was thinking "if I can make him love me, it will prove I am lovable." Which is my own flawed thinking and way of "figuring things out" as a child. My dad hit me and was verbally abusive, which must mean I was bad or unlovable. So if I could "prove" I was lovable, it would right the wrongs.

And there's an element of my dad and my ex with my Aspie (emotionally distant, not outwardly affectionate, reserved) but also so many positive aspects that I believe I could have a healthy relationship with him. I have learned so much from this site already-- and your point "don't take it personally" is key -- example: I asked my Aspie how his weekend was. He gave me a complete thorough accounting of Friday night through Sunday evening. Then I was miffed because he didn't ask me about MY weekend. Which I realize now is kind of silly -- if the only reason I was asking him was so he would ask me, that's my own fuzzy thinking. I asked him; he answered.

Another thing I'm grappling with is how to handle this weekend. I asked him if he would like to get together; he said yes; I asked if it was ok if I came to him (last weekend he came to me -- about 1.5 hours trip for either of us); he said ok and that Saturday evening was good for him.

To me, it seems perfectly logical and obvious that I would stay over at his place. It would be nice to sleep in the same bed and wake up together and easier for me than taking the subway home at midnight (which doesn't feel safe). But now from reading here, I realize that might be the LAST thing he needs. He might very well need to be totally alone and regroup. The apartment is small -- there's no other room for him to be in if I'm there. So here are my thoughts (feedback appreciated): If he is ok with me staying over, I could say I'm going to sleep (which will actually be true if it's late and I'm tired) and which might let him feel like he's alone. Or if he seems tense at the idea, I could uber my way back home. This way I'll be safe but not impose on him. He is very protective of me and doesn't want to put me out, but maybe I'll just say -- "I'm fine staying over; I'm fine going home. Let me know which one you feel more comfortable with. It's not going to hurt my feelings." Is that OK to say?

Plumeria -- one other thing I love about your post is what you said about being an introvert. I too am an introvert (but in a very extroverted field -- sales) and I find putting on the mask of being "up!" and "on!" at work completely draining. I also think our society has a negative bias against introverts. You're supposed to go into a room and stick your hand out and greet total strangers with a big smile. "Act friendly" should be our national motto. As compared to a more reserved approach where you take time getting to know someone. I think Europeans don't have the negative bias -- if anything, they are more introverted.

Lastly, to answer your question about whether his Aspie status is something I know or just suspect -- it's the latter. From a few things he's said and how he's reacted, I feel like this fits who he is.

 

[RaphaPower]

First a little background -- I'm pretty sure my late father was Aspie -- I remember reading about "shadow autism" (before they called it Asperger's) back in the 1990s and it described him to a T. Unable to read social cues. Very blunt and unintentionally hurt people's feelings. Very intelligent. Was asked to a colleague's memorial service and said "Of course I won't go -- I'm not Catholic!" Didn't occur to him it was a way to show respect, regardless of religion.

In addition, he was abusive -- verbally, physically. I'm not saying Aspies are abusive -- my dad had elements of being Aspie but also his own toxic stew of emotions. It's a long story, but when I started dating 30 years ago, I was not emotionally or psychologically solid enough in myself to make good choices. I married a man 10 years older than me who was emotionally distant, aloof, controlling, and he turned out to be verbally abusive too. I've read a lot about narcissists (Sam Vaknin especially) and I think that's what his personality type is. No one made me marry him -- it was my choice -- my fault -- and I have since gotten lots of therapy and separated from him and I feel so much better.

And now I'm dating. I've been seeing this one guy since July. He's really sweet -- lovely to me -- thoughtful, protective, and if I ask him to meet me somewhere at 2:00 he's there early and has found a place in a crowded cafe for us to sit. But sometimes he just talks and talks and talks and doesn't seem to notice I too might have something to say about my life or my job. When we're out, he touches my arm, or my knee, but more to make a point when he's talking. On our third date, he kissed me goodbye (peck on the cheek) and when I pulled away, he looked...terrified. On our fifth date, I was at his place. Sitting next to him on a small couch. And he was complaining about work, so I figured I'd go for it. I reached out to caress his arm, then the nape of his neck. He looked frozen. I stopped. I didn't know if he was asexual or just didn't like me that way. Since then, I've followed my gut -- never touched him first, never kissed him first, and found that he didn't like or know how to handle good natured teasing.

Last date (a few days ago), he came to my place, and I told myself: accept the fact you may never be more than friends (even though I want a physical relationship) and he is a solid friend. Except this time he really kissed me, and he initiated a physical relationship. I was stunned. Happy, but stunned.

So now, having found this site and read a few more articles, I think he may be Aspie, and my question is: given my history, and real emotional needs, how do I let him be himself but still be fair to myself about what I need in a relationship? I feel like I have to be careful around him. I enjoy his company, but I am always conscious of not wanting to disrupt him (for lack of a better word).

Appreciate any thoughts and advice. He is a really dear person.

Hello DaisyChain Everything you said about your boyfriend described me to a tee. My gilrfriend says the same exact things about me and it took her a while to say all those things. I think you might need to accept that he's going to be this way. He's going to learn and get get better at the teasing thing and the talking about himself thing because I KNOW I have done this thing and never even realized it but to some extenct he can't control it and if he say in your mind he's not doing this because he doesn't care what i have to say than it will make it such a better experience. or tell him whenever your ready to tell him about his habits give him a secret signal that you two only know when he's talking to much or yo uwant to initiate contact. I think that would help him. I haven't tried it myself but it's an idea I had. I hope you found something worthwhile in this post! Have a nice day

 

[daisychain]

thanks for posting, Rapha! It is helpful knowing that you have found it easier to handle your girlfriend teasing you. I view teasing as a sign of intimacy. Now I know not everyone feels that way.

And I like the secret signal idea.
Thanks

 

[Warmheart]

With an Aspie man, one might possibly have to redefine "compliment."

Do his eyes light up when he sees you? Did he happily oink up all the dinner you cooked for him? He re-formatted your hard drive for you? SWOON with it, girlfriend!

Beware fishing for compliments, because you could hook an Aspie Honesty Sharknado. Let his actions speak for him. Behavior is communication. Hang in there!

 

[daisychain]

Thanks warmheart -- you said it right -- redefining is key here. If I expect him to act in a conventional (NT) way, I'll be disappointed. If I can see the light in his eyes, I'll find my compliment.

One thing he did that was SOOO great was send me a link to an article I never would have found on my own when I was preparing to give a pretty important talk to a bunch of doctors. I would have sounded like a complete idiot if I wasn't familiar with the article. To me, that is total consideration and caring.

Plus when he was over, he "fixed" my leaky faucet (pulled back the central nozzle just so). Now I don't have the annoying drip drip drip sound. Better than flowers!

I haven't cooked for him yet (but would like to).

A friend of mine said: if he doesn't make plans with you for New Year's, you don't have a real relationship.

I don't think I like that kind of binary thinking. Where getting flowers and chocolate on a prescribed day like Valentine's means you care about someone. I can see him totally not thinking about getting together "over the holidays" but if I suggested something during that time, I bet he'd be up for it.

I think this relationship can succeed if I give up pre-conceived notions about how he should or should not act. And just let him be.

 

[Warmheart]

You're doing great! Your NT pal doesn't understand that one needs to toss out the NT rule book with male Aspies. Space, freedom, and time to feel comfortable, at their own pace, keeps him relaxed and out of ASD defense mode.

He fixed your faucet, and found you a great article online? That's positive. You're being kind to both your friend and yourself by listening to your gut about his intentions, rather than following a rule book. Gently, gently...

 

[daisychain]

thanks Warmheart for the words of encouragement! I saw him this weekend and he definitely seems more comfortable around me. And I even got a "real" compliment -- I told him he was in good shape and he said he's just trying to keep up with me. Gently gently...

 

[Brigitta]

First a little background -- I'm pretty sure my late father was Aspie -- I remember reading about "shadow autism" (before they called it Asperger's) back in the 1990s and it described him to a T. Unable to read social cues. Very blunt and unintentionally hurt people's feelings. Very intelligent. Was asked to a colleague's memorial service and said "Of course I won't go -- I'm not Catholic!" Didn't occur to him it was a way to show respect, regardless of religion.

In addition, he was abusive -- verbally, physically. I'm not saying Aspies are abusive -- my dad had elements of being Aspie but also his own toxic stew of emotions. It's a long story, but when I started dating 30 years ago, I was not emotionally or psychologically solid enough in myself to make good choices. I married a man 10 years older than me who was emotionally distant, aloof, controlling, and he turned out to be verbally abusive too. I've read a lot about narcissists (Sam Vaknin especially) and I think that's what his personality type is. No one made me marry him -- it was my choice -- my fault -- and I have since gotten lots of therapy and separated from him and I feel so much better.

And now I'm dating. I've been seeing this one guy since July. He's really sweet -- lovely to me -- thoughtful, protective, and if I ask him to meet me somewhere at 2:00 he's there early and has found a place in a crowded cafe for us to sit. But sometimes he just talks and talks and talks and doesn't seem to notice I too might have something to say about my life or my job. When we're out, he touches my arm, or my knee, but more to make a point when he's talking. On our third date, he kissed me goodbye (peck on the cheek) and when I pulled away, he looked...terrified. On our fifth date, I was at his place. Sitting next to him on a small couch. And he was complaining about work, so I figured I'd go for it. I reached out to caress his arm, then the nape of his neck. He looked frozen. I stopped. I didn't know if he was asexual or just didn't like me that way. Since then, I've followed my gut -- never touched him first, never kissed him first, and found that he didn't like or know how to handle good natured teasing.

Last date (a few days ago), he came to my place, and I told myself: accept the fact you may never be more than friends (even though I want a physical relationship) and he is a solid friend. Except this time he really kissed me, and he initiated a physical relationship. I was stunned. Happy, but stunned.

So now, having found this site and read a few more articles, I think he may be Aspie, and my question is: given my history, and real emotional needs, how do I let him be himself but still be fair to myself about what I need in a relationship? I feel like I have to be careful around him. I enjoy his company, but I am always conscious of not wanting to disrupt him (for lack of a better word).

Appreciate any thoughts and advice. He is a really dear person.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

To me, it seems perfectly logical and obvious that I would stay over at his place. It would be nice to sleep in the same bed and wake up together and easier for me than taking the subway home at midnight (which doesn't feel safe). But now from reading here, I realize that might be the LAST thing he needs. He might very well need to be totally alone and regroup. The apartment is small -- there's no other room for him to be in if I'm there. So here are my thoughts (feedback appreciated): If he is ok with me staying over, I could say I'm going to sleep (which will actually be true if it's late and I'm tired) and which might let him feel like he's alone. Or if he seems tense at the idea, I could uber my way back home. This way I'll be safe but not impose on him. He is very protective of me and doesn't want to put me out, but maybe I'll just say -- "I'm fine staying over; I'm fine going home. Let me know which one you feel more comfortable with. It's not going to hurt my feelings." Is that OK to say?

Aspie or NT does not matter. Your safety DOES matter. If a man wants you to come to him then he should set things up for you if you are staying (sleep on the couch, give you the bed, sleeping bag, whatever). If you are to go back home, he should make sure you get home safely (even if it means him driving you himself). It may be better just for him to come to your place and you set up a separate place for him or he can go back home. A single hotel room could be a thought, too. Whatever you decide, make sure you know the plan ahead of time - no woman should be traveling at night by herself.

 

[Brigitta]

I have been 'dating' an Aspie for five years, but only figured out what was 'wrong' with him about a year or so, ago. Like you, I was ofted frustrated and confused about his behaviors, questioning myself and my role in the quality of the relationship - but I hung in there because I realized that it was he, who was suffering the most. There were times that I just wanted to walk away, but my heart said stay. When a friend suggested that he had AS it all made sense and I opened my heart and gave him all the room he needed in there - and he needed a lot. With this information I have learned not to strees him and when he is overwhelmed I know what to do. He will never give me everything I think I want in a relationship, but but what I do have is oh, so very precious. He gives me more than any man I have ever met and I love him deeply. His incredible intelligence, funny humor, honesty, direct responses - though they seem caloused are far better than a dressed up answers or stories intended to flatter. I am flattered by his presence and know that his behavior is not about me, but his love is in what he demonstrates in his actions.
No man will ever fill your needs 100% - maybe 50% or not even that. You can fill your own needs and be the happy person he wants to be with. The best part with my Aspie is that I can be direct with him and he responds beautifully. Just keep it real, emotionally simple and uncluttered. Watch for body language (which is pretty easy to read) and act accordingly and lovingly. Above all be patient and let him know how much you care by your actions and understanding.
As for being intimate, why not just ask 'May I kiss you on the lips?' and then ask if he wants another? Depending on his response, ask him if you can do the next thing. Asking permission anytime we enter into someone's personal space is so easy when done step by step and with respect and loving intent.
Gosh, I hope this helps. I am a newbe to all this myself, but would not trade my Aspie for anything.

 

[ezcare]

Reference to...

" Aspies are really good at not assuming things or "reading into things", maybe it has to do with the lack of social cues, but I personally think that it's a positive trait because they focus on the facts and not the emotion."

--If I could change any aspect of my past life it would be to make NT friends and acquaintances more aware of this trait. It is one of the most difficult problems I have had in any relationship. NTs tend to equate positive emotional outbursts with love but do not understand that my love is unconditional and sincere. It does not fade away when pelted with changing tides.

 

[daisychain]

Brigitta thanks for your insights -- that is so helpful.
Nurseangela -- thanks for worrying about my safety -- he was actually concerned about that too and made sure he walked me to the subway and waited til I got on.
ezcare -- I think that's what I'm dealing with -- he's not good at reading things or assuming.

My latest question for y'all is this: should I just accept the fact he will never ask about me? We've been dating since July and I ask him questions to get to know him like who was your favorite parent and what was your best memory of childhood, etc., and he answers, usually short factual answers, but he never asks about me. What I like to do in my spare time, what my childhood was like.

My therapist said if it's something I want him to know, I should just tell him. I've tried that (starting with something not too emotionally laden like a problem at work) and he will listen carefully and ask questions about the issue so he can understand it and follow up later "how was that work thing you told me about" but I don't think he would ask on his own.

Is this an Aspie trait? And please tell me I shouldn't "read" it as a sign he doesn't care.

 

[Cecile]

My latest question for y'all is this: should I just accept the fact he will never ask about me? (...)
Is this an Aspie trait? And please tell me I shouldn't "read" it as a sign he doesn't care.

In my experience it doesn't come as naturally to Aspies as to NTs to ask about the other person, but they can "develop the habit"... It is indeed wise to say what you want him to know. Maybe even ask him if he would like to know, and explain that since he never asks, you cannot tell if he's interested, if your bothering him, etc., so he'll see the point of asking...
(When I was dating my Aspie ex, I could see he had learned to remind himself to ask the other person, to smile when saying goodbye/ leaving, etc. It would often happen in a last minute " oh I almost forgot" kind of way... It felt a bit strange from an NT perspective but at the same time I could aporeciate the effort he was investing.)

 

[Harrison]

Brigitta thanks for your insights -- that is so helpful.
Nurseangela -- thanks for worrying about my safety -- he was actually concerned about that too and made sure he walked me to the subway and waited til I got on.
ezcare -- I think that's what I'm dealing with -- he's not good at reading things or assuming.

My latest question for y'all is this: should I just accept the fact he will never ask about me? We've been dating since July and I ask him questions to get to know him like who was your favorite parent and what was your best memory of childhood, etc., and he answers, usually short factual answers, but he never asks about me. What I like to do in my spare time, what my childhood was like.

My therapist said if it's something I want him to know, I should just tell him. I've tried that (starting with something not too emotionally laden like a problem at work) and he will listen carefully and ask questions about the issue so he can understand it and follow up later "how was that work thing you told me about" but I don't think he would ask on his own.

Is this an Aspie trait? And please tell me I shouldn't "read" it as a sign he doesn't care.

I was very much like your chap, time and dating someone who 'prompted' me led me to script appropriate questions or responses and when to use them. Nowadays I can still forget, especially having been on my own for so long I may be reverting to 'type'. It was never because I didn't care, I did, a great deal, but I would either forget to ask or I'd ask and answer in my head.

I would suggest educating him on what you would like, emphasising how such verbal caring would make you feel. I was made to sit through untold rom-coms until I got the basics