How To Regain Trust From Someone In The Spectrum

[Tom]

Are you sure this is not just a situation where everything else has not worked out so you are trying to go back to the one that didn't fail you. Your consolation prize?

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

I'll admit that I've only been in relationships with video game characters, but I'll try to help.

If you adamantly wish to resume your relationship with her, pacing yourself might help. Overdoing an apology or begging for a second chance would make you appear sycophantic, and that would flop.

Although much time has passed, and this might seem like a "now or never" moment, keeping things simple, sincere, and respectful might help. That would communicate that you want a loving relationship, rather than manifesting any desperate craving for love.

I once met someone who metaphorically clung to my leg and constantly tried to be around me and get me to like her. I found her behavior pushy, and thereafter, I avoided her. She didn't give me enough space to ease into being comfortable around her, but I believe in you. I bet you're better than her.

One time, I betrayed a friend quite coldly. Backstabbing this person saddened me; I then vowed never to betray again. The first step to forgiving myself? Admitting that I was the villain (a crucial step). The second step? Saying, "That was disgusting of me, and cruel to my friend. I'm not going to do that ever again." Step three: "I know better, and I'm going to do wonderful things, for others. They deserve happy lives." Step four: donating blood. You don't have to donate blood, if you don't want to. Such deeds can enhance your love of kindness, however.

I: went on, met new people, and showed them the newly-loyal me. They came to admire me.

Anyway, the choices are yours. I've met some people who have spent decades shifting the blame from themselves, onto others (not that that's you). If you're somebody who can simply admit, "Okay; that was my fault; I will do good instead," you've already outgrown them.

I wish you the best, summer (and a great summer, too). Hehehe; get it? Ah, I enjoy cheesy puns. These can be emotionally challenging times, and I'm behind you, in any choice you make. If this were the real world, I'd give you a hug, and say, "Go get 'em, tiger."

Patience, sincerity, and consideration. Those are great tools. Whoever you choose, may you be find happiness and warmth. You are awesome. I believe in you.

 

[Pats]

I do I honestly believe she is the only woman for me. Otherwise, I would've gotten over her after 14 years of dating other people.

I didn't see her at all during that time. We didn't talk. We were both trying to move on.

Have you ever seen the movie "Bridges over Madison County"? I don't like the movie because it glorifies affairs, but it also is misleading. The lady who feel in love with Clint Eastwood in the movie chose to stay in her boring marriage but never fell out of love with Eastwood. Had she left her marriage and gone with Eastwood, I believe she would had. See, she was in love with the idea and all she had experienced was good things, not everyday life things with him. She was in love with that time in her life, the happiness she felt and so on, but if she had gone with him that stuff would have died and become no different than what she already had. So she chose to stay in love with the memory and let go of him.

 

[Fino]

If it were me, it would depend on whether or not I had learned my lesson by now.

If not, you could just keep being sweet, make some nice gestures, etc and I'd go for it.

If I had learned my lesson, like how I have in my life, then there wouldn't be anything you could do, but in that case I wouldn't be talking to you.

The fact that she's talking to you indicates she wants to trust you and just wants you to give her a reason to do so. So just keep it up, keep confidently reassuring her you're positive of something you can't actually be positive of, and off you two can go into the sunset of uncertainty and probable demise.

 

[TopherPwn]

I'd be more concerned on receiving forgiveness rather then gaining her trust. If you both love each other that's the main factor. If the other person allows you back. You know this person will leave again. Plus it'll be hard for this person to trust you the more you break it. You should say what you want as should the other person. Commication is always key when multiple people are involved.

 

[paloftoon]

If I'm reading this right, there was one bad breakup, not two. It seems like the first "breakup" was a mutual breakup because of distance and/or different paths. If it was a bad breakup and not a mutual breakup, and if you had two bad breakups, then I agree you and her need to move on and stay platonic at the most.

Otherwise, if you had only one bad breakup, then you can try again. But before you try again be prepared to tell her what have you done to work on yourself so that you are a better person? What would be different so that this would not happen again? You have to be able to be fully explicit and maybe more open than you're used to to try to make this work. Even after all that, you can't expect anything good to happen. But you can certainly try if there were not two bad breakups. It's not clear to us if there were 2 bad breakups or 1, and that definitely makes a difference. Like, were the different paths an "excuse" to make the bad breakup sound good, or was it really just too different to manage such as because two of you would be too far to do physical stuff?

 

[paloftoon]

I do I honestly believe she is the only woman for me. Otherwise, I would've gotten over her after 14 years of dating other people.

I didn't see her at all during that time. We didn't talk. We were both trying to move on.

14 years thinking about her is probably right on your end to try to form a relationship, but it's not right on her end since there isn't one after 1/2 yr. of thinking about her. Most people in society would simply say that you are too obsessed. There are feelings and you have reasons for them. But part of the process is moving on, and it doesn't sound like you have. It's okay to think about how to deal with situations if she ever chooses to initiate talking about forming a relationship again and to be prepared for the unexpected. It's also okay to search for someone else, because there are multiple potential choices of people that can work for us. We change as time goes on, and hopefully for only the better for people that we may not have been compatible with before but then we are at that later time because we are more mature. This is the kind of mind set you want to aim for.

If things were different, maybe things could've or would've worked out better in some way. I've experienced similar, except that I am implicitly not allowed to directly approach the person unless I get eye contact, have something to return to the person, or have to speak to them as part of my job. It sounds like at least you have minimal contact with this girl.

 

[H-Kath]

She might not be able to trust you again. Depending on what you did, who she is as a person and what she's been through in life it might not be something she can risk again. If you want to try earn it you're going to have to show that you're the opposite of someone that would betray her trust every day. That means no white lies, no avoiding uncomfortable conversations, and no deception. There are tactful ways to be completely honest. For example saying you don't want to talk about it or you feel you'd like to think it through and get over on your own to the "What's wrong?" question rather than saying "Nothing." when that's not true.

 

[Vaunderbroad]

Does anyone have any advice on how to regain her trust?

Be consistent, do what you say you’re going to do, hold space for her meltdowns, be open to therapy? Don’t just say the things, do the deeds.

Maybe she just needs a friend.

 

[paloftoon]

To add, to gain someone's trust back possibly, you are not only prepared to tell a person what you've done to improve yourself, but how things might be different. You don't try to say this all at once. You have to time things right, use context, and the other person can "say no" and walk away right away. You may have to be okay with making yourself completely vulnerable. If you have a chance to try, since you want to, in a way, you have nothing to lose. Try not to keep your hopes high. If she only wants to be platonic, that's okay too. Platonic is better than nothing. I hope you've at least learned from the experiences so that it makes you a better person for others at least.

 

[righan]

Lots of good advice here.

What I can tell you is that I wouldn't necessarily give up just because its your third go-around ... my wife and I have been together (happily) for 19 years ... but for almost a decade before that we were an on-again/off-again couple and she did several things to hurt me. However, we just weren't ready yet. So, maybe its just taken you until now to be ready.

As for regaining trust ... like everyone else here has said ... no two people with ASD are a like, just like no two people are a like.

Given that I have known several people with ASD and several without, I'd say that in general the same overall rules apply. It's probably just going to take time, authenticity, and patience.

As they say, there is no 'magic fix'. Nothing anyone says will give you a way to magically erase what was done or make her trust you right now. Even if that's what she want's to do, I doubt it can be done. Most people don't work that way.

I would just accept that she is going to be skeptical and be there and be with her in whatever capacity she wants you to be there. Let her get to know you as you are now and let your relationship become what its going to become. Whatever that is. Just be honest with yourself and with her.

If you can't do that ... can't be authentic and open and just 'be there' and let her get there at her own pace and go through her doubt with her ... then its going to be really hard to earn her trust, and frankly hard to be in a relationship.

In 20 years of marriage (and watching other people in relationships) I can tell you that sometimes people start to doubt ... not even because of anything you actually did ... just because their scared ... because they are insecure ... and you have to be willing to just be there sometimes, to weather the storm and be steadfast and be patient and believe in them and help them go through whatever they need to go through ... and just let them know someone is in their corner no matter how it turns out ... That willingness to be there and go through it all with my wife ... no matter what ... to be her friend first ... That has been an essential part of our success.

So maybe the question shouldn't be 'how can I get her to trust me' ... but instead be 'how can I make her happy'? (which isn't a question for us ... but a question for her) Focus on that ... focus on how she feels about herself and her life instead of how she feels about you ... and once you really get to that place where you forget all about trying to get her to trust you and all you care about is being with her ... and all you want from her is for her to be happy ... I suspect you'll find that she trusts you again.

The great irony ... when you no longer desire it, you will find what you always desired.