How to mourn the loss of a loved one

[Neia]

I was told that I was still in mourning.

I apparently didn't allow myself to mourn my uncle, my mom, and my dog.

If I really think of it, I never allowed myself to mourn anyone I ever lost.
I was expected to be strong. I expected myself to be strong. So when I started crying, I'd force myself to stop.
Only a few times did I completely broke down, cried uncontrollably for a couple of hours or so, but then stopped.
It's like I always remember that "No one want's to see me cry."
Crying, mourning, feels like a signs of weakness, and showing weakness is dangerous.

Sometimes I want to just let go, but, even if there's no one around, I'm afraid I'd be labelled as "drama queen, cry baby, spoiled brat.".

 

[Outdated]

I'm a little strange like that, I simply don't miss people when they're gone, it has no impact on me. The only two times in my life I have ever felt grief was when a relationship ended so I don't really have any advice for you. Maybe a month off work will help you work through that process too.

 

[Neia]

I don't miss people exactly. I can't explain.

When my uncle died I felt sad because I knew that I'd never see him, or talk to him again. Very weird, because I lost an uncle I actually grew up with, and I didn't feel like that.

Then my mom died, and did feel something, but can't quite define it. I'd say I felt guilty for not having been what she needed me to be. And with her dead, there could be no amends I couldn't try and be a better daughter.

Funnily enough. I do miss my dog.

My therapist says that it was because he never demanded anything from me. He didn't judge me. He offered me unconditional acceptance.

 

[Outdated]

I miss my dog too, even 5 years later. And I feel guilty that I wasn't there for her when she died, I left her with good friends when I came down to Adelaide, I needed to find somewhere to live first and then I was going to fly back and get her, but she got bitten by a snake while I was gone.

I've never felt grief at the loss of a family member, some of them I wish had lived longer but I never felt any grief at their passing. It just never seemed to have any impact on me. I don't know if my parents are still alive or not, I haven't had any contact with them for many years, and as the years keep rolling by it's getting safer to assume that they're gone now too but I feel no need to reach out and find out.

 

[lunarious]

I'm a little strange like that, I simply don't miss people when they're gone, it has no impact on me. The only two times in my life I have ever felt grief was when a relationship ended so I don't really have any advice for you. Maybe a month off work will help you work through that process too.

You're a machine dude

Believers over and under don't cry

But Neia ... If you spare you water (from North and South) you'll be stronger ally to Allah The Deity - The best

Edit: Your tears are precious to God and inshallah your father

 

[Outdated]

Please keep the religious propaganda at a minimum, I have a bad allergy. My blood pressure goes up and I get a strange urge to slap someone. Thank you.

Thanks, I was working up to say something similar myself.

 

[tree]

REMINDER

Stated rather more formally, please note that there is
an area for faith based/aka religious commentary:
https://www.autismforums.com/forums/religion.82/

 

[MC1Rcat]

I am currently at odds with how to be okay with mourning as well. My best friend cat (17 yrs old) passed away 4 months ago and I still have a really hard time with it (depression and anxiety). He was also a special interest for me, so I think that has made things a lot worse for me than when other people or cats passed away. I have never had a hard time with anyone dying before....grandparents, uncles, friends. Never cried, just seemed logical for it to happen, and I would move on. Losing my cat has torn me up a lot. I understand it was inevitable, but I still am having a hard time accepting it. It still is very weird and nothing I do makes it feel better or not "wrong." My therapist says to just let yourself be sad and that it will take a long time. It may never get better, but you will get used to them being gone. Idk

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I lost father, mother, brother , a few friends, but a cat 20 years ago hurt the most. he kept me company when unemployed for a period.

 

[Roisin]

Everyone reacts differently to loss and each loss is different, there isn't any right way to mourn the loss of a loved one, be they animal or human, I like the growing around grief iidea.

Sometimes our reaction to loss is complex, as it was in my case with multiple deaths and losses in a short span of time, it took many years to come out the other side.

My life grew and I made steady progress during this time, I came to realise through EMDR sessions that it was my losses, the basic needs that I didn't have met, that underpinned the grief pain I felt. I had to work through the other issues to get to this point though.

Something thats also resonating with me is that mixed up in this timespan was the identity shift I experienced when I recognised that I was Autistic, the loss of the familiar but harmful way of existing and the beginning of becoming more authentic.

 

[tree]

One thing I did when my good cat friend died was to write a list of
places or circumstances when I missed her. Like, whenever I opened
a can, and she wasn't trotting over to see what I had. Or at night
when she wasn't there wanting me to spread her blanket out for her...

I kept the list and as time went on, I got it out, and noted when/in what
circumstances I was missing her. Gradually the list was shorter.

But not non-existent.

She died over ten years ago.
I don't keep re-writing the list.
I still miss her.

 

[Tom]

I loved them greatly, but cried only once briefly at the death of each parent. Sometimes autists express their feelings different from others.

But when my dogs died last year I was devastated and balled my eyes out repeatedly for days. I still can't really think about them without my heart breaking again. So I just allow fleeting thoughts. Hopefully it will get easier in time and I can think about them more.

 

[SusanLR]

Crying always seems to be a release of those emotions. I feel better afterwards.
I won't cry when someone can see me.
No one likes to see that. They think you are weak and even been told to stop because it makes them feel bad. They don't want to feel bad.

 

[Jonn]

I don't.
Like Joel in "The Last of us", I distract myself, suppress the painful memories, and remain in the present.
Call me mister pragmatic.

Spoiler

Yes, there have been exemptions. No one is perfect, not even me.

 

[Tired]

No one is perfect, not even me.

Damn!

 

[Alexej]

Everybody's grief journey is different, but it is their journey.
Nobody ever gets this one right, but we all do the best we can. We muddle along and lean on each other from time to time.

 

[Kavigant]

My biological father was absent from my life for most of it.
When I got word that he had died, I broke down crying at work but could not explain why. I hardly knew the man and neither of us particularly liked the other.

More recently, my mother-in-law died. I knew her better than I knew either of my own parents, and I genuinely cared for her. Yet I didn't weep for her at all. I feel very bad that I didn't cry for her.