How to Help an Aspie Husband Cope in a Foreign Land? (while staying sane)

[BlueSky Aozora]

The anxiety over his paper can only be resolved by his finishing the paper. So he should perhaps focus on that until he gets it done, then on everything else.

Anxiety over social experiences or going to language classes can only be resolved by actually going, then having positive experiences/nothing going wrong. Then he may start to feel less anxious. But to do this, he still has to leave his comfort zone and overcome his initial anxiety. This might be achieved by his having a plan B or 'escape plan'. Join the language class, but ask if he can join on a trial basis, meaning that if it doesn't work out for him after the first session, he can stop. If he goes to a social event, having the option of going home early, if he doesn't like it or it isn't working out for him. If I knew which country you were living in, I or other forum member might be able to give you more useful, country-specific advice.

Whoa, so it's true that his anxiety can only be resolved by finishing the paper.. Hearing that you is very helpful. You, a person other than my own spouse, makes me realize how true it is (perhaps it's the spouse-doesn't-listen-to-spouse syndrome). That paper took him years. We hope that it finishes by this or next month, and then he's planning to give himself a break, taking a holiday at his home country perhaps.

After he finishes his paper, only then maybe we can proceed to the language class or other social activity, it seems.

Edit: Thanks. I wouldn't say that I was feeling great, but I no longer take medication for anxiety or depression.

Wow, that's a huge achievement in our book! Coming off from anxiety/depression medication is not easy. Thank you very much, Progster, for he wonderful advice and for becoming the inspiration to us.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

The last months I have been able to do some housework, and it helps my mood and asthma very much.

Yeah, this works wonder! Thank goodness you're feeling better too. In our case, after cleaning a little bit more, his cough-asthma is getting tremendously better.

After I explained to my girlfriend that I need to have a system (what goes where) in order to get things done, it goes much better. It does not have to be my system, but we need to use the same system. Give it a try. Less decisions in routines saves mental capacity for improvements.

Maybe getting the house tidy, takes away distractions, so it will be easier to work towards finishing his paper.

Yes, a system (what goes where) improvement is really needed. Will try to work on that during the weekends (if I'm not exhausted). Thanks for the brilliant suggestion.

If he decides to satisfy his social needs:
I believe few things are better to overcome cultural differences by trying to speak the native language of where you stay. Even if you stumble, people seem to appreciate that you give it an effort. A language course can also be a good place to meet people. Or even online courses like Duolingo, to get the basics down. After a few sessions, enjoying a beverage at a local pub can work wonders. Trying outright and saying that you are practicing the language is a good opener. Many are curious by nature, so facilitating so that other can make contact can be a good way to avoid being rude and force ones company on people.

Finding places for fellow hobbyists are also a place to get some of the social need covered.

Thanks for the suggestion. Seems like he can only start socializing after finishing his research paper (his current biggest anxiety). Will try to discuss with him about this after that.

Even if one doesn't make friends, acquaintances are an alright substitute.

This is such a good enlightenment!

If I have already failed at something, I try to accept that and not beat myself over it.

Not thriving in a place is sad, so my advice is to either take steps to improve, or make a plan for moving and try to find ways to hold on until you are able. Just staying miserable is such a waste of time. I did that far too long and far too many times.

I want to cry reading these. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Yeah, counting the time, it's already a year since he came here, but sometimes I feel a bit anxious thinking that we're not succeeding much. But that's not good - I might trigger his anxiety by rushing him to succeed. So I will try to remember what you and other forumers said, to not beat ourselves over it, to not trigger his anxiety, and move forward slowly but surely..

I hope you find a strategy that works for the both of you.

Thank you so much! This means so much to me

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Your husband is waaaay too picky. He needs to find ways to adjust somehow. That's on him. You can only offer opportunities here and there, when you have the energy. Nothing wrong with going by yourself and making other friends. Certainly don't discount your husband, which I know you aren't, but you deserve time to do things you want to like and discover and to have friends too. He has to be able to trust you and let you grow yourself since he can't be there to experience those things with you. If he isn't, then you would have to question the relationship altogether. I don't get the sense it'd get to that point. Best wishes to you.

Thank you Yeah, I feel I'm focusing on the problems related to him, too much. Yeah, maybe he's too picky Or maybe he just need to finish the thing related to his current biggest anxiety first, then he'll be less picky (hopefully).

Maybe like you said, I need to forget it for a bit, rest, and let myself grow, discovering other things too. Thank you so much for your encouragement

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Well, you might be able to find a young, beautiful, MALE maid/butler to clean the house.

That has always been my dream!

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I think that learning the language needs to be the first step. If you can't afford the tutor, try online courses. There is this nice, free app called Duolingo (for a phone or through a browser) that has quite a lot of languages you can learn in an entertaining form. Maybe check if that language is there and start with simple alphabet/ basic phrases?

Learning the language definitely helps to calm down the anxiety when you're outside home - you know what people are talking about, you can contact with them, ask for directions if you're lost - much potential out there.

Outside, try creating a schedule that can be followed. Create plans for the time when you're in a traffic/waiting for transport to make it feel productive and not as frustratingly pointless. Maybe reading a book about a specific topic (you can get digital copies and read on your phone) or previously mentioned learning the language.

Find things that are soothing for him. The first few years I spent in a foreign country I was anxious enough to always wear a pressurised vest, although these can be quite costly and hard to come by. Things I found helped where different ways for stimming (I like some textures, especially of tree bark and rocks, so I carry some with me to interact with in a stressful situation), so that the stimming wouldn't turn self-destructive (like biting fingers, scratching etc.). Check what exactly makes him calmer - headphones, sunglasses, specific clothes, scarves? Is there noise at nights - then earplugs or similar?

Check his triggers - what makes him the most anxious/scared? Eliminate these if possible.

These are the most important things to think of: the language, the schedule and the soothing. The rest, especially more interaction with other people, comes after, when the situation itself has calmed down. It can be really difficult, but if you do it well enough, it doesn't have to feel like hell or like you're a cornered animal with all the new and scary stuff around. Good luck to you and your husband!

Thank you! These are very useful. The language can be done after he overcomes his current anxiety (finishing the research paper). The schedule can be improved - although I still need to work harder to prepare activities to do during the nights and weekends (also can only be done after he finishes his current anxiety).

I'll try to remember not to trigger his anxiety. And prepare the soothing. Those are very good points that I always forgot. Thanks a lot for pointing these out! Also thanks for sharing your valuable experience, your advice and for your encouragement

 

[paloftoon]

That has always been my dream!

What's stopping you from looking around? If you have the money, maybe even just do it like once a month or once every two months until you start to see a reasonable change in your husband regarding the cleaning. Still help him learn how to clean. Heck, he could even ask the male maid himself.

Sometimes, if there's someone else doing the work, maybe it could motivate your husband to do more for himself and both of you. Otherwise, sometimes you got to get things done more your way if such a task is not being done in a reasonable amount of time.

Your husband might detest the male maid and even be jealous. Of course, don't abuse that jealousy factor, but it may be enough motivation for your husband to find ways to change to start helping out with cleaning. I'm not sure. You know your husband more if something like this could be more harmful than helpful.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

ok, to update (just for own notes):

• Activities : any other activities are on hold, until his current anxiety 'finishes' (research paper).
• Language: found a translating tool better than app. But pricey. maybe can be bought online. He might open to learn language after his current anxiety disappears.
• System for house management: maybe i'll set it up when I feel better. it's not that easy for me. or maybe I really should hire a butler - but that must be after I set up the system (more suitable wardrobe etc)
• Friends/Family : There'll be a festive event soon (like Christmas), people usually invite guests to eat at home. If our home is still messy (we don't even have a sofa), maybe we can go visit other nearby people instead. Of course we'll go to my family's house, but I feel bad for him - he seems isolated because of anxiety, language barrier, and not much initiative from himself to socialize. But at least I hope he can relax with my family/relatives....(I'm so worried)

aahhh maybe i'm really an aspie... or nearly aspie.. or nearly adhd(without h)... or just an inefficient person.. the above tasks are not that difficult for an NT to do maybe.. but for me, it seems so big... I hate how inefficient and indecisive I am.
..ok sorry for rambling nonsense.

 

[paloftoon]

Sounds like you have a good plan, aspie or not. Sometimes, there's just too much in life and you have to do as much as you can. Don't fret about it as much as possible, but just do what you can. Your husband should at least be able to be his own person. But it seems he is more an "extra task" instead and he's lucky that you truly love him. The situation is forcing you to adult even more than you wanted. I hope it's not to the point that it feels it affects your whole being, cause I know that feeling. I'm kind of there now. Just doing enough to make things work and doing things here and there because it's better than doing nothing at all. Sometimes, I do certain things to try to keep certain type of relationships because I have to pick stuff I will get something out of too now, since there are too many things for me to do.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Thanks a lot paloftoon for your kind advice. I don't know what's happening in your life, but I admire how you try to do what you can. I hope it'll get better for you, and that you have a nice day today (and tomorrow and tomorrow2..)

Your husband should at least be able to be his own person.

This. He tried, but unfortunately, can't. I'm so sad that he's suffering now.
He can speak to nobody except me because of the language barrier, the job is not fulfilling - nobody to discuss with since nobody understands what he does, etc.

Seeing him despairing makes me really sad & hopeless. Perhaps we really should move to his country. (But then i'll be in debt for breaching scholarship contract. S*cks.)

For now, I can just pray & do what I can. I hope your situation will get better too.

 

[paloftoon]

Thanks a lot paloftoon for your kind advice. I don't know what's happening in your life, but I admire how you try to do what you can. I hope it'll get better for you, and that you have a nice day today (and tomorrow and tomorrow2..)



This. He tried, but unfortunately, can't. I'm so sad that he's suffering now.
He can speak to nobody except me because of the language barrier, the job is not fulfilling - nobody to discuss with since nobody understands what he does, etc.

Seeing him despairing makes me really sad & hopeless. Perhaps we really should move to his country. (But then i'll be in debt for breaching scholarship contract. S*cks.)

For now, I can just pray & do what I can. I hope your situation will get better too.

It's a process. It won't be overnight. If he's willing to learn new stuff, he can get there. It doesn't and won't be perfect. But it's very possible. Part of helping him out on your side will be for you to balance. Some time goes to you to do your own thing. He needs time to process and think things. He can look up things and do things in his own private time when you are in your own private time. Or he can choose to sleep or sit and do nothing because he is too tired and/or just lazing around.

If he complains to you about you not doing enough with him, you can then reply that he can learn to do (one task to help out with the home on his own) and (one task to work together with you on) and that he needs to give you some private time to do some things you want to do too. I wish you the best. It's not easy that you have to think about and do all these logistics on your own.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Just to update (or vent?).

He's like a zombie now.

I think the main problem is, his main pride or what boosted his self-confidence before - which is his high (scientific) research skills - are not being appreciated at my developing country.

Any researcher here? Developing country mostly only care about number of publications and teaching, which doesnt need high research skills, but communication skills & passion in teaching. He loved to teach, but only to his fellow nationalities and he couldnt speak/understand english well (which is needed to get professional job in my country).

But he was appreciated in his developed country, he got many higher-level job offers. Now, the jobs all have been taken by others.

Here, people only ask about his publications - he didnt have much, since he prioritize a more thorough deeply-done big research. The level of his research is quite high, that's why it takes time to publish (he still continued the project, alone). While the research level in this country in his field is soooo low.

But lecturers/university/students here always 'looking down' on him (although not purposely) since he doesn't produce Q1/Q2 papers and couldn't speak/understand english well. And he doesnt mingle with anybody at work. He ignores them, even his supervisor - because nothing worthy to discuss perhaps). He's being treated like a student, when he was actually a highly-paid research scientist at a top research institute (world-level) in his country. My country doesnt have the capability (and even conscience!) to appreciate him. I'm so angry with them..!! I'm afraid his contract will not be renewed.

My developing country is good for people who love to travel, try new things, doesnt mind developing country's culture, learning about multiculture or religions, and mingle with people.

He came from a developed country which is advanced in tech than the rest of the world, good for introverts, and their traditional marriage lifestyle is good for Aspie men - husband only need to go to work, wife will manage everything else.

I feel so guilty and bad for him, seeing he's becoming lifeless, losing his sense of self/pride, and being treated less than he should at work. I curse myself for signing a contract during my naive younger years that 'force' me to remain in this country for a decade.

I can only pray that this will result in something good and meaningful for him in the long run. He did focused in his research too much & has anxiety about it, he wanted to feel less anxiety about it & learn about religion/meditation. Maybe this is what we need to go through..?

Please God, help him live with satisfaction here..

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

He lost his passion for work/research today. He said he feels depressed.

He recite the Holy Book for a while. Kind of a meditation for him. His recitation has being much better than before.

He asked, "Maybe i worked too hard, too much, all this time..?"

"Maybe," I replied.

Then he asked, "..Then, is it okay for me to rest..?"

This question makes me want to cry. "Of course you can," I answered.

"Okay, i'll take a nap. Feel sleepy.. Please bring me a blanket.." Then he naps.

Better to sleep, than feeling anxiety/depressed but couldnt do anything. I read somewhere that God gives the believers sleep during their most anxious days, to help them calm down. Thank you, God.

 

[paloftoon]

Can you send him back to school to learn something new?
He doesn't need to make a lot of money, but he needs to try to do something with his life.

When he's visiting other people, if he has a smart phone, have him use Google Translate to communicate with others. Better to try to use something than nothing. He's basically stuck there unless he's going to choose to move elsewhere on his own. He's an adult. Can you offer him a counselor/therapy to go to? This might help him out. He's lucky to have you, cause some would've dumped him already if it was legal/culturally acceptable in the country you are in.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Now that he has accomplished about 90% of his research paper which is his main anxiety source, finally I can try to suggest him all these brilliant advices.

We've finally installed a TV with local channels & English channels too. Now time to enjoy!

Oh, we're both not English-natives actually, so I think he feels pressured to learn English conversations - you know, the world scorns upon people who cant speak English... and it's tricky to ask him to learn English more, since he's already have low self-esteem - people seems to not take him seriously since he cant speak English well & stutter & quiet all the time & speaks harshly when people annoy him..

and he can't catch up with English listening.. I hoped the tv will help, but there's no English subtitle for English channels I still hope he can pick up the listening from the tv, but I doubt it..

And another tricky thing is, we live in semi-rural area where everybody only speak local language with many dialects. I could've move to more city-like area although a bit expensive... but the language crucially needed for him to get a job is English. he thinks his speaking is good & he has low self-esteem already since being in a foreign land, so it's tricky to get him to improve his english... so he feels much more comfortable learning this local language by himself rather than English. We also use another foreign language (other than English & local language), for religious activities - this one he already pass the necessary requirement, so no need to learn much more than that.

So, you can imagine that, he needs to learn 3 foreign languages (1 for job & conversation, 1 for local conversation, 1 for religious activity). He prefers to learn the latter two, instead the one most important to maintain/get a job...... .

Can you send him back to school to learn something new?
He doesn't need to make a lot of money, but he needs to try to do something with his life.

Thank you, you made me realize what is more important. I always feel blinded by "he needs to have a paid job, otherwise he'll not be satisfied". But you are right, not having a job is only temporary. As long as he tries to do something, he'll benefit from it in the long term. He also asked me to not pressuring him into maintaining the job (he might not get his contract renewed - although I hope it'll get renewed), since he's trying his best to breathe/live in this difficult foreign land.

When he's visiting other people, if he has a smart phone, have him use Google Translate to communicate with others. Better to try to use something than nothing.

Yeah, tried this but recently forgot. I think we must make this a habit.

He's basically stuck there unless he's going to choose to move elsewhere on his own. He's an adult. Can you offer him a counselor/therapy to go to? This might help him out. He's lucky to have you, cause some would've dumped him already if it was legal/culturally acceptable in the country you are in.

Thank you for reminding me. Sometimes I forgot to balance between "he's an adult" and "I need to search things that might be beneficial for him", then forgot to treat him like a respectable adult. I will try to offer him a counsellor/therapy. Although none in his language (only one & very expensive), but we have found a community that he's comfortable with - although only once per month.
I'm lucky to have him too, he could've dumped me and go back to live comfortably in his country, but he sacrificed & moved here.

We will try our best. Thank you all, for your wonderful advice & prayers

 

[paloftoon]

. . .


Thank you, you made me realize what is more important. I always feel blinded by "he needs to have a paid job, otherwise he'll not be satisfied". But you are right, not having a job is only temporary. As long as he tries to do something, he'll benefit from it in the long term. He also asked me to not pressuring him into maintaining the job (he might not get his contract renewed - although I hope it'll get renewed), since he's trying his best to breathe/live in this difficult foreign land.


Yeah, tried this but recently forgot. I think we must make this a habit.



Thank you for reminding me. Sometimes I forgot to balance between "he's an adult" and "I need to search things that might be beneficial for him", then forgot to treat him like a respectable adult. I will try to offer him a counsellor/therapy. Although none in his language (only one & very expensive), but we have found a community that he's comfortable with - although only once per month.
I'm lucky to have him too, he could've dumped me and go back to live comfortably in his country, but he sacrificed & moved here.

We will try our best. Thank you all, for your wonderful advice & prayers

Just remember, it is a two way street too.
So, if he ends up doing nothing and is using the money you make to live his lifestyle, unless you are okay with that or how he lives his life with you, you set the terms of the relationship as much as he does. Just remember that. It's a process- so, don't break away right on the spot, but don't wait forever either. It's a balance of respect for each other and self-worth.

For the therapy/counselor part, maybe you should offer him the option of you to join him so that he doesn't feel like you're pushing therapy only on him too.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Just remember, it is a two way street too.
So, if he ends up doing nothing and is using the money you make to live his lifestyle, unless you are okay with that or how he lives his life with you, you set the terms of the relationship as much as he does. Just remember that. It's a process- so, don't break away right on the spot, but don't wait forever either. It's a balance of respect for each other and self-worth.

For the therapy/counselor part, maybe you should offer him the option of you to join him so that he doesn't feel like you're pushing therapy only on him too.

Sometimes it's a bit difficult to determine the balance. All right, I'll try to not worry too much, or being a control freak Thank God, nowadays he's getting better, after he shared the burden of his main anxiety with his supervisor.

Thanks a lot, Paloftoon

 

[paloftoon]

Sometimes it's a bit difficult to determine the balance. All right, I'll try to not worry too much, or being a control freak Thank God, nowadays he's getting better, after he shared the burden of his main anxiety with his supervisor.

Thanks a lot, Paloftoon

Thanks for considering my thoughts. I don't always give what people want to hear, but I try to offer good advice too.

Balance is always difficult for anyone- NT or not.