How to fix things with my family post-meltdown

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

Before the meltdown, were you trying very hard to be perfect, to be nice to everybody, to be a model citizen? I've noticed, from own experience, and from what I've read here, that trying too hard can be very dangerous, because our minds try to compensate in some way or another, like, for example (but not only) having meltdowns.

I am always trying to seem, if not perfect, then appearing to be at least a functioning "normal" adult. Perfectionistic tendencies creep in, but I was in fact pushing myself way too hard, working a job that was breaking me, because I have to, but I can't. I am always stuck in that have to but can't spot. It is easy to work oneself up to meltdown point just from the stress of that alone. Thank you for your insight

 

[Mathalamus]

ive had meltdowns, before, that involved other people. the experience was horrible, so.... i learned to have a meltdown, in a way, where other people cannot hear it, or cannot respond, usually because im quiet, or they are asleep, or not even in the house.

i was, in a word, too successful. now my family generally don't believe me if i have problems. oh well, i made that bed, and i have to lie on it.

its obviously not the best solution, but it works for me.

the best solution, is to find what triggers you, and step away from it, uncaring about how rude it seems to others. your mental health is important enough to override such social niceties.

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

ive had meltdowns, before, that involved other people. the experience was horrible, so.... i learned to have a meltdown, in a way, where other people cannot hear it, or cannot respond, usually because im quiet, or they are asleep, or not even in the house.

i was, in a word, too successful. now my family generally don't believe me if i have problems. oh well, i made that bed, and i have to lie on it.

its obviously not the best solution, but it works for me.

the best solution, is to find what triggers you, and step away from it, uncaring about how rude it seems to others. your mental health is important enough to override such social niceties.

I used to be able to do that, became an expert at screaming silently and having invisible breakdowns, and had the same problem. I made everyone think I was fine, so of course nobody believes me when I start talking about having a problem. I had a severe mental breakdown a few months ago, and since then my ability to act like a human being is broken, I am lately just a big sparking ball of uncontrolled autism.
It is so hard to find that line sometimes, between getting what you need and having to adhere to a social contract, but I guess I have to agree that keeping me stable is more important than being polite. Thank you

 

[Mathalamus]

I used to be able to do that, became an expert at screaming silently and having invisible breakdowns, and had the same problem. I made everyone think I was fine, so of course nobody believes me when I start talking about having a problem. I had a severe mental breakdown a few months ago, and since then my ability to act like a human being is broken, I am lately just a big sparking ball of uncontrolled autism.
It is so hard to find that line sometimes, between getting what you need and having to adhere to a social contract, but I guess I have to agree that keeping me stable is more important than being polite. Thank you

you have, (in my own words) lost control of your own life. that is a severely bad thing to happen, and i can empathize. try thinking back, on when you had control, and think about how you can slowly and gradually, regain control. or force yourself to regain control by sheer willpower.

a while ago, i lost control of my life, because i keep having severe sleeping issues. (still ongoing, actually) and, eventually, a few weeks later, i just simply forced myself to stay up way longer, so i can sleep on my first try, and regained control after a few days of no sleeping issues.

it might be something worth trying.

 

[WittyAspie]

I am lately just a big sparking ball of uncontrolled autism.

I really like the way you worded that. It makes a lot of sense. I disagree that sheer willpower is the way to go here, but is there any part of your life in which you can work on regaining control? You didn't wind up here in one day, so leaving will also take more than a day. But is there anything you can do to take that first step?

Talking with your mom is a great way forward. Keep doing so on a regular basis. If she learns what causes you to have meltdowns then she can help minimize those stressors. Explaining how you feel during a meltdown may also show her the best way to help you if it happens again. The more she knows the more she can help you. And the more she knows the more comfortable she will be around you. Talking through what happened should put her more at ease and keep her from feeling like she needs to tread lightly.

 

[Mathalamus]

I really like the way you worded that. It makes a lot of sense. I disagree that sheer willpower is the way to go here

it was the only thing that worked for me. when all the other options fail to work, willpower is the best one.

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

you have, (in my own words) lost control of your own life. that is a severely bad thing to happen, and i can empathize. try thinking back, on when you had control, and think about how you can slowly and gradually, regain control. or force yourself to regain control by sheer willpower.

a while ago, i lost control of my life, because i keep having severe sleeping issues. (still ongoing, actually) and, eventually, a few weeks later, i just simply forced myself to stay up way longer, so i can sleep on my first try, and regained control after a few days of no sleeping issues.

it might be something worth trying.

Oh I agree, I am not in control of my life. Here's my problem though- The times when I have had the most control, or the least severe autism symptoms/behaviors were times when I was so severely depressed that I literally could not drag myself out of bed for anything other than bathroom, food, and cigarettes. So it seems I have a dilemma here: control the depression and trigger worsening autism symptoms, or give in to the depression and not have to deal with the overstimulation that comes with having a life

 

[Mathalamus]

Oh I agree, I am not in control of my life. Here's my problem though- The times when I have had the most control, or the least severe autism symptoms/behaviors were times when I was so severely depressed that I literally could not drag myself out of bed for anything other than bathroom, food, and cigarettes. So it seems I have a dilemma here: control the depression and trigger worsening autism symptoms, or give in to the depression and not have to deal with the overstimulation that comes with having a life

do you know if you can take any third options?

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

I really like the way you worded that. It makes a lot of sense. I disagree that sheer willpower is the way to go here, but is there any part of your life in which you can work on regaining control? You didn't wind up here in one day, so leaving will also take more than a day. But is there anything you can do to take that first step?

Talking with your mom is a great way forward. Keep doing so on a regular basis. If she learns what causes you to have meltdowns then she can help minimize those stressors. Explaining how you feel during a meltdown may also show her the best way to help you if it happens again. The more she knows the more she can help you. And the more she knows the more comfortable she will be around you. Talking through what happened should put her more at ease and keep her from feeling like she needs to tread lightly.

I am steadily attempting to gain some control over some aspects of my life. And I have finally had to accept that my mother is going to be indispensable in helping me get a grip on some kind of adult life. I have been resisting her help because I am so ashamed that I am 26, living with my mother, and seemingly unable to do the most basic boring things all human adults have to do. But then I realized that was an extremely ungrateful outlook, seeing as how here is someone who loves me, wants whats best for me, is figuratively begging me to let her help, help that I desperately need. The fact that I am autistic is a very recent revelation for my mother, like 3 days ago recent, so she has a lot to learn, but I at least learned that I shouldn't be hiding this stuff from her. Thank you for your advice, I agree.

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

do you know if you can take any third options?

There has to be some kind of third option out there. At least I hope there is. But if it exists I have yet to find it. Though I have yet to be formally diagnosed and offered any kind of therapy, so hopefully someday I can find a medium.

 

[WittyAspie]

Oh I agree, I am not in control of my life. Here's my problem though- The times when I have had the most control, or the least severe autism symptoms/behaviors were times when I was so severely depressed that I literally could not drag myself out of bed for anything other than bathroom, food, and cigarettes. So it seems I have a dilemma here: control the depression and trigger worsening autism symptoms, or give in to the depression and not have to deal with the overstimulation that comes with having a life

Are you trying to control autism or work with autism? You will never completely suppress an innate part of your psychological functioning. You will have to learn to work within/through your autism. I know your diagnosis is recent so I'm not under any sort of illusion that you even completely understand autism at this point. But as you move forward remember to have a mindset of working with and not against the way your brain is wired.

 

[Sabrina]

In this case I am at least partially to blame, I know that alcohol can set me off and I drank anyway, my bad choice, I realize that doesn't make the meltdown my fault entirely, but I could have prevented it, which is why I am so embarrassed about it

Let me state the obvious (in case it isn’t): given the circumstances, there should be a zero- alcohol rule in your house. Don’t have any kind of alcohol at all around, and don’t open any bottle or can if someone brings it.

You are not the one that makes rules in your house, but you should propose this to your mom. It would also be a sign that shows that you want to prevent everybody from having a experience like that again, and doesn’t require much effort. You’ll also be taking responsibility of what happened (a necessary step in being an adult) and you’ll gain a bit more control in your life.

 

[pjcnet]

The mental hospital part of your story really upsets me since in my opinion far too many autistic people are being treated as mental health patients when this is often the very last thing they need, also being forced to mix with NT mentally ill people is often extremely detrimental to someone who is autistic and they are usually totally incompatible. What's worse is far too many autistic people are then given antidepressants and/or antipsychotics as a "quick fix" that is often more damaging than good, especially in the long term.

Experts in the field of autism should be helping you and by far the best experts are higher functioning autistic people themselves who have learnt to overcome and/or control most of their unwanted traits, but how many official experts are in fact autistic themselves? Not many and that's why they can never truly understand your condition or what you are really going through. It is great that you are here however as even though there won't be many official experts here, many autistic people here will be in my opinion better qualified to help.

I read that you apologised and your family said that they forgive you, well I understand why you apologised, but I was always taught only to ever apologise if I was truly in the wrong and in this situation you were NOT in the wrong, you simply have a condition that you were born with and you showed some of the symptoms. It sounds like some people are making you feel guilty however and this is wrong, sadly your family don't in my opinion truly understand the condition as otherwise they would have replied with something like, "you don't need to apologise as it's not your fault", rather than saying that they forgive you as there should be nothing to forgive in the first place. Would someone who had an epileptic fit need to apologise and be forgiven afterwards? The big difference is a lot more people understand epilepsy than autism (and it's better controlled these days too). Please don't feel guilty!

Regarding your family, well it's a really difficult one, although it is great that you have identified what caused your meltdown and hopefully you can work with yourself and others to reduce the risk of it happening again in future, if it doesn't happen for a while the situation with your family walking on eggshells will wear off. It would be very helpful however if your family and anyone who is around you was able to understand autistic meltdowns better as they'd realise that you should never be blamed and it would also be much better if they could learn to help you through a meltdown if you did have another one, rather than having to get the police involved as this is obviously very unpleasant for yourself and it's not really fair that you have to go through this, it also wrongfully adds the risk of you being in my opinion inappropriately treated like a mental health patient. Sadly I think in many cases even the police and mental health services don't properly understand autism and both can therefore also mistreat people with the condition. Some charities are however doing a great job trying to increase the general awareness and understanding of autism even though there's still a long way to go, but I would like to see a lot more general public awareness of autistic meltdowns.

Anyway I wish you the very best of luck.


PS: I've just read your reply about saving things up to avoid embarrassment and to let them out in a more private setting. I also read about you drinking alcohol and feeling partly to blame as you think you could have avoided a meltdown. Well in an ideal world people would understand you letting things out in public, but sadly most people fail to understand autism, especially meltdowns and this isn't your fault. In a private setting one would have hoped that the people around you would have understood your meltdowns well enough to handle them, you certainly need somewhere to go where you can let things out. You drunk alcohol and it may have just tipped your over the edge into a meltdown, but if you hadn't had let it all out it could have built up even more and then lead to an even worse meltdown, even if it didn't it probably would have been detrimental in other ways. Also you probably drunk alcohol hoping it would make you feel better because you've been forced to hold everything in. I still don't see this as your fault in any way and it would be great if you could find a good way to offload regularly without anything detrimental happening to yourself.

 

[Tobs]

My meltdowns are rarely expressed in a physical manner. At most I pace around and breathe irregularly. It's surprising how much physical control I have, when I'm mentally going a million miles an hour, uncontrollably like a snowball off a mountainside. Unfortunately, I therefor also have no useful advice to give you.

It sounds like a very difficult situation to cope with. I hope you find a good way to. Good luck.

 

[WereBear]

I have made myself pay attention to when I am approaching a overload state. Since then, I get more clues, like visual or audio distortions, or a sense of paranoia. This is my cue to cut off whatever is going on and get to a place with low sensory input.

This is a feedback training state, which is reversing the lessons of my whole life, which is: suppress, conform, shut up, put up with it.

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

Are you trying to control autism or work with autism? You will never completely suppress an innate part of your psychological functioning. You will have to learn to work within/through your autism. I know your diagnosis is recent so I'm not under any sort of illusion that you even completely understand autism at this point. But as you move forward remember to have a mindset of working with and not against the way your brain is wired.

You make a really good point about controlling versus working with autism. I guess I meant more like controlling the outward manifestations. I learned the hard way, many times over, that trying to suppress it will only make it more difficult in the long run. It is a lot, especially when the whole world is a threat. but I'm doing my best to learn along the way

 

[Voltaic]

Silent meltdowns help collateral, but no one knows you are suffering. Having breakdowns alone in your room every night, with no one hearing you or noticing what is happening gives the impression to the people you interact with that you are fine. They only see you when you are normal, and find it hard to be live just how much you could be suffering. It isolates your emotions and yourself in your greatest times of need. I don't want someone always there with me, but I want acknowledgement of the pain I am feeling.

It is isolation, surrounded by people.

They don't notice, when you even tell them directly, they may not be live or misinterpret just how bad you are because you are fine normally. The preconception behind depression is that you are sad all the time, and people will notice. They don't notice until it is way to late.

You choose to suffer alone, but what is the alternative?

 

[Mathalamus]

Silent meltdowns help collateral, but no one knows you are suffering. Having breakdowns alone in your room every night, with no one hearing you or noticing what is happening gives the impression to the people you interact with that you are fine. They only see you when you are normal, and find it hard to be live just how much you could be suffering. It isolates your emotions and yourself in your greatest times of need. I don't want someone always there with me, but I want acknowledgement of the pain I am feeling.

It is isolation, surrounded by people.

They don't notice, when you even tell them directly, they may not be live or misinterpret just how bad you are because you are fine normally. The preconception behind depression is that you are sad all the time, and people will notice. They don't notice until it is way to late.

You choose to suffer alone, but what is the alternative?

the alternative (mental hospital) is far, far, worse (for me, may differ for others) to ever consider for any reason. hence, why i chose to suffer alone.

 

[the_tortoise]

My family has never called the police on me for meltdowns, but our neighbours often did when I was a teenager. Some of the officers were familiar with us, because they came to our house multiple times.

One time the police actually arrived before the meltdown was over (they would almost always only get there after the fact). They arrived to find me in my room, screaming (wordlessly), sobbing and beating the wall to the point I'd made several holes in it. An officer just walked in behind me (I was oblivious to their presence initially), pulled me back away from the wall and in a flash had me sort of kneeling-sitting on the floor in a bear-huggish restraint position. I wasn't hurt or uncomfortable, and once my cuts and scrapes had been looked at and I was calm he let me go. They talked to my mom (can't remember if they talked to me in the sense of getting my account of what happened, but I don't think so) and then they left.

As for mental health crisis teams.... A mental health crisis team showed up at my house once (not in response to a meltdown, but as a sort of follow-up because I had been seen at the hospital after a meltdown -- it was an ordinary day when I was calm and in control) and they treated me far, far, far worse than any police officer ever has in my entire life -- among other things, by screaming in my face and threatening me physically and verbally without any provocation nor any indication of threat from me (my mother made sure I knew this after the fact when I asked her basically what had I done to make it happen -- she made sure I knew that I had done nothing to provoke the treatment I received, made sure I knew that no sane, reasonable person could have perceived my behavior as hostile or threatening).

Mental health professionals can be just as bad, if not worse, than police officers. Sure, they don't carry guns or tasers like the police do (in North America -- I gather most officers in the UK, outside of Northern Ireland, still do not carry guns but they do carry tasers?) but they can be just as aggressive and can still use dangerous physical restraint. And if they suck at their jobs or have already decided before meeting you that you are dangerous and irrational they might call the police to the scene anyways.....

So it's worth checking out who the mental health crisis team are (what are their policies are around restraint and police involvement; just asking how they might handle the type of meltdown you might have) before automatically trusting that they will respond in a helpful way if your family calls them because you're having a meltdown.

I also really strongly suggest you see if you can pursue a formal diagnostic evaluation because it could go a long way towards helping your family understand and maybe guide you all towards useful supports.

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

The mental hospital part of your story really upsets me since in my opinion far too many autistic people are being treated as mental health patients when this is often the very last thing they need, also being forced to mix with NT mentally ill people is often extremely detrimental to someone who is autistic and they are usually totally incompatible. What's worse is far too many autistic people are then given antidepressants and/or antipsychotics as a "quick fix" that is often more damaging than good, especially in the long term.

Experts in the field of autism should be helping you and by far the best experts are higher functioning autistic people themselves who have learnt to overcome and/or control most of their unwanted traits, but how many official experts are in fact autistic themselves? Not many and that's why they can never truly understand your condition or what you are really going through. It is great that you are here however as even though there won't be many official experts here, many autistic people here will be in my opinion better qualified to help.

I read that you apologised and your family said that they forgive you, well I understand why you apologised, but I was always taught only to ever apologise if I was truly in the wrong and in this situation you were NOT in the wrong, you simply have a condition that you were born with and you showed some of the symptoms. It sounds like some people are making you feel guilty however and this is wrong, sadly your family don't in my opinion truly understand the condition as otherwise they would have replied with something like, "you don't need to apologise as it's not your fault", rather than saying that they forgive you as there should be nothing to forgive in the first place. Would someone who had an epileptic fit need to apologise and be forgiven afterwards? The big difference is a lot more people understand epilepsy than autism (and it's better controlled these days too). Please don't feel guilty!

Regarding your family, well it's a really difficult one, although it is great that you have identified what caused your meltdown and hopefully you can work with yourself and others to reduce the risk of it happening again in future, if it doesn't happen for a while the situation with your family walking on eggshells will wear off. It would be very helpful however if your family and anyone who is around you was able to understand autistic meltdowns better as they'd realise that you should never be blamed and it would also be much better if they could learn to help you through a meltdown if you did have another one, rather than having to get the police involved as this is obviously very unpleasant for yourself and it's not really fair that you have to go through this, it also wrongfully adds the risk of you being in my opinion inappropriately treated like a mental health patient. Sadly I think in many cases even the police and mental health services don't properly understand autism and both can therefore also mistreat people with the condition. Some charities are however doing a great job trying to increase the general awareness and understanding of autism even though there's still a long way to go, but I would like to see a lot more general public awareness of autistic meltdowns.

Anyway I wish you the very best of luck.


PS: I've just read your reply about saving things up to avoid embarrassment and to let them out in a more private setting. I also read about you drinking alcohol and feeling partly to blame as you think you could have avoided a meltdown. Well in an ideal world people would understand you letting things out in public, but sadly most people fail to understand autism, especially meltdowns and this isn't your fault. In a private setting one would have hoped that the people around you would have understood your meltdowns well enough to handle them, you certainly need somewhere to go where you can let things out. You drunk alcohol and it may have just tipped your over the edge into a meltdown, but if you hadn't had let it all out it could have built up even more and then lead to an even worse meltdown, even if it didn't it probably would have been detrimental in other ways. Also you probably drunk alcohol hoping it would make you feel better because you've been forced to hold everything in. I still don't see this as your fault in any way and it would be great if you could find a good way to offload regularly without anything detrimental happening to yourself.

Thank you for your post, it is really helpful. I agree about autistic people and mental hospitals.
Both of my stays were before anybody had figured out I had autism. I melted down badly in front of
the psychiatrist because he wouldn't listen to or believe what I was trying to tell him, was restrained,
and sedated and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and given thorazine, which is the single
worst drug I have ever had the misfortune of taking, excruciating akathisia.

My family do not yet know much about autism, especially how it affects me.
I only revealed the fact that I am autistic to my mother last week. so I can't fault her for not getting it.
I agree with not apologizing if you haven't
done anything wrong, but I saw it more as apologizing for the fact that the episode was extremely upsetting
for them, and as a way to move things along until I can teach them these things.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, I do anyway. Ashamed too, how humiliating is it for an adult to lose control
to the point that to unfamiliar observer it would appear as a violent temper tantrum? Extremely. I know it is
not my fault, but I centrate, tending to make everything my fault (at least as far as I'm concerned).

Ironically, the drinking was sort of an attempt to avoid melting down. My goal was to stop feeling for a few
hours so I don't explode, because the last couple of weeks are the hardest I've been through since that psych
hospital