How to fix things with my family post-meltdown

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

I had been precariously ok for a while, depression kicking my butt, but generally trending up. Then I had an extreme meltdown the other night. Extreme as in police were called, I was cuffed and strapped into an ambulance that took me to an emergency room. I managed (barely) to avoid a third stay in a mental hospital (story for another time)

Anyway, that was a couple days ago. Of course I have no memory of the event, but my mom and her boyfriend who witnessed it told me what happened. I know exactly what triggered it and how to avoid it, and I have apologized, tried to explain that meltdown mode me is not the real me and I don't control or remember anything. They say they forgive me, but I still get the sense that they are walking on eggshells around me, desperately trying not to upset me. I hate it. Part of me finds it incredibly irritating and the other part can't even blame them. I scared the absolute balls off of them. Seeing a 26 year old woman screaming her head off, trying to run away but collapsing on the ground in screaming tears. traumatic for everyone involved, I get that. So maybe they are right to be scared of me. I probably would be too. I'm not sure what I'm looking for but any advice, good thought or similar experiences would be appreciated

 

[tree]

When you explained about meltdowns, did you also say that
you knew what triggered it? Unless it's a very common unavoidable
thing prompting it, it seems like knowing there's a reason would
go a long way toward reassuring your family that you're really not likely
to fly to pieces randomly.

 

[Streetwise]

I had been precariously ok for a while, depression kicking my butt, but generally trending up. Then I had an extreme meltdown the other night. Extreme as in police were called, I was cuffed and strapped into an ambulance that took me to an emergency room. I managed (barely) to avoid a third stay in a mental hospital (story for another time)

Anyway, that was a couple days ago. Of course I have no memory of the event, but my mom and her boyfriend who witnessed it told me what happened. I know exactly what triggered it and how to avoid it, and I have apologized, tried to explain that meltdown mode me is not the real me and I don't control or remember anything. They say they forgive me, but I still get the sense that they are walking on eggshells around me, desperately trying not to upset me. I hate it. Part of me finds it incredibly irritating and the other part can't even blame them. I scared the absolute balls off of them. Seeing a 26 year old woman screaming her head off, trying to run away but collapsing on the ground in screaming tears. traumatic for everyone involved, I get that. So maybe they are right to be scared of me. I probably would be too. I'm not sure what I'm looking for but any advice, good thought or similar experiences would be appreciated

The thing is in Anglo-Saxon cultures it's a no-no to make any kind of noise ,where as in other cultures being vocal is very normal ,they don't scream and run but they would probably react differently ,not in the over the top way they do in the west ,ie Hand cuffing someone for screaming and shouting .
Could you say to them I need to rest so I can avoid a meltdown?
I know they're probably do the inwardly wide eyed !oh no rabbit in the headlights -is she going to do that again !reaction !but it might help you avoid a meltdown .

 

[OkRad]

Try very hard to see if you have a mobile mental health patrol. I know it sounds hokey but by all means TRY VERY HARD TO AVOID police intervention. They can be deadly for autistics.

Our town has a mobile unit that can be called instead of police. That way you will not be strapped down and frightened when you are already scared and frightened. Do they have those where you live?

They are also immensely comforting to family members who know who to call.

 

[Mia]

I've never understood why people become so outwardly aggressive when someone screams, when they realize that it's not someone screaming for help. It tends to be a great release during panic attacks and stress. The problem is that people want to pin you down, to stop the screaming because it really bothers them under any circumstances, and they absolutely have to stop it. No one does that to screaming babies. Only to adult's for some bizarre reason. Our pain and screams have to be stopped, in order to regain control and to stop the noise.

So what to do about your parents and family? After this episode. As if you did something wrong? Or as if you had some modicum of control over this. Doubt there is anything you can do, except discover what triggered it in the first place, and delve into it. Maybe talk therapy to iron it all out, and work on the pre-meltdown indications like:

• Chest tightness
  
• Headache or a feeling of pressure in the head
  
• Increased energy
  
• Irritability
  
• Palpitations
  
• Paranoia
  
• Rage
  
• Tingling
  
• Tremors
  
• Extreme stimming

And If you feel guilt or embarrassment over the meltdown, then maybe look at the precursors to an episode and go somewhere where you can have a meltdown in private, away from prying eyes. I've had meltdowns where I've chopped pieces of wood with a huge axe or broken things until it hurt, or run until I couldn't anymore.
Maybe stop blaming yourself as if you were completely and utterly responsible for all of this, as if somehow you might be able to control every reaction you have to things that happen. There's obviously some previous stimuli here, that triggered it.

Quote from the Bhagavad Gita,
It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly,
Than to live an imitation of someone else's with perfection.

 

[WittyAspie]

I don't have anything to add concerning meltdowns. The ladies above me have done a much finer job with that than I ever could. But I will offer one positive thought. If your last meltdown let you to us, then maybe in the end it will have been a good thing. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience among the members here, as you can already see in this thread. I really hope we can help you along your journey.

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

Try very hard to see if you have a mobile mental health patrol. I know it sounds hokey but by all means TRY VERY HARD TO AVOID police intervention. They can be deadly for autistics.

Our town has a mobile unit that can be called instead of police. That way you will not be strapped down and frightened when you are already scared and frightened. Do they have those where you live?

They are also immensely comforting to family members who know who to call.

Thank you, I had no idea those existed, I am looking into it now and going to make sure to get the information to my family in case something like this happens again. I appreciate the suggestion

 

[Voltaic]

I thought I could just share one of my experiences, instead of giving tips since I can't add to what has already been said.
The worst meltdown I had was when I was grade eight. I remember it all to well.

I was in the hospital at that point. I lived and went to school there. I got to see family on wensdays and got to go home on weekends. For a 'mental hospital' it was a pretty cool place that I have a good amount of fond memories from. I was there the previous year, so I was pretty used to the way things worked, and the staff (amazing people) knew me pretty well. They where introducing a new photography class, which was just the same class doing something else. I was excited and interested because I loved photography. I learned about everything I could do with my dad's camera, and obsessed over taking pictures of everything. Though the pictures content was normally boring, I got good at it. I asked if I could use my own (dads) and they said no. This situation divulged into a breakdown, after a good three minutes. It was the worst thing I could imagine at that time, I wanted to use the camera I had gotten used to, and would accept nothing else. I got to the point in which I was A̶ ̶b̶i̶t̶ out of control. The teacher called the staff down, and they had to physically restrain me. Touching me is already bad enough, during a breakdown it is incomparable, like a... anyways, it made things worse. Luckily I was little compared to the two staff that came to get me, and they a̶i̶d̶e̶d̶ carried me back to 'the quiet room's back onto the unit. Throught the whole situation I was screening things at them and was just being kind of a jerk :/ when they got me to the room, they had to stop me from harming myself which involved touching, i dont think they had jackets or padded rooms, so they had to be right there. More touching sucked, but I was in a controlled environment. It went on for four hours until I became so mentally exhausted that I stopped.

After the whole situation, because of how the place worked, and the understanding of the staff. They knew what I said even though hurtful, wasn't something I meant. The next morning, I didn't go to school until after lunch, the rest of the day was woodshop, and I promised to be on good behavior. They understood, and they helped me where I needed it most. I think that understanding was the most helpful thing for myself, and the staff.

I didn't get to do the camera class because I was in a good enough state the month after all that, that they transferred me. I went to revisit to play a game of ball hockey which we played daily. I wanted to go say hello to my old teacher, so the staff pointed me to the outside park closed off in the middle of the building. They where taking pictures.

using the exact same camera my dad had. :l

From what I can tell, the best thing is understanding. If they understand the nature of what happened, then they are in a better position to be forgiving.

 

[Streetwise]

I thought I could just share one of my experiences, instead of giving tips since I can't add to what has already been said.
The worst meltdown I had was when I was grade eight. I remember it all to well.

I was in the hospital at that point. I lived and went to school there. I got to see family on wensdays and got to go home on weekends. For a 'mental hospital' it was a pretty cool place that I have a good amount of fond memories from. I was there the previous year, so I was pretty used to the way things worked, and the staff (amazing people) knew me pretty well. They where introducing a new photography class, which was just the same class doing something else. I was excited and interested because I loved photography. I learned about everything I could do with my dad's camera, and obsessed over taking pictures of everything. Though the pictures content was normally boring, I got good at it. I asked if I could use my own (dads) and they said no. This situation divulged into a breakdown, after a good three minutes. It was the worst thing I could imagine at that time, I wanted to use the camera I had gotten used to, and would accept nothing else. I got to the point in which I was A̶ ̶b̶i̶t̶ out of control. The teacher called the staff down, and they had to physically restrain me. Touching me is already bad enough, during a breakdown it is incomparable, like a... anyways, it made things worse. Luckily I was little compared to the two staff that came to get me, and they a̶i̶d̶e̶d̶ carried me back to 'the quiet room's back onto the unit. Throught the whole situation I was screening things at them and was just being kind of a jerk :/ when they got me to the room, they had to stop me from harming myself which involved touching, i dont think they had jackets or padded rooms, so they had to be right there. More touching sucked, but I was in a controlled environment. It went on for four hours until I became so mentally exhausted that I stopped.

After the whole situation, because of how the place worked, and the understanding of the staff. They knew what I said even though hurtful, wasn't something I meant. The next morning, I didn't go to school until after lunch, the rest of the day was woodshop, and I promised to be on good behavior. They understood, and they helped me where I needed it most. I think that understanding was the most helpful thing for myself, and the staff.

I didn't get to do the camera class because I was in a good enough state the month after all that, that they transferred me. I went to revisit to play a game of ball hockey which we played daily. I wanted to go say hello to my old teacher, so the staff pointed me to the outside park closed off in the middle of the building. They where taking pictures.

using the exact same camera my dad had. :l

From what I can tell, the best thing is understanding. If they understand the nature of what happened, then they are in a better position to be forgiving.

What sickens me is if it was an epileptic seizure they wouldn't call the police and handcuff you ,they would watch you and then call the paramedics ,but no we are still discriminated against .

 

[Bella Pines]

I would suggest acceptance.

Acceptance of them. I know it's backwards and most people struggle to accept us and what we are, but flip it around.

You have to come to terms with the fact that your mom and her boyfriend are wired differently, they will experience uncertainty, they will tread on eggshells and act weird. That's just how they are going to be for at least 3 months! But that's them, and the reason they are acting weird is because they care about you, they don't want you to meltdown again, they don't understand what meltdowns are, how they are triggered and what causes them. They have probably come to some ridiculous conclusion that if they offer you tea with the wrong milk then you will meltdown!!

But so be it, you can't change them, they will probably never understand, but that doesn't matter. They are still around and they care.

So in the same way that you wish everyone would accept you for who you are, you need to work out a way to accept them for the way they are, even if they are acting weird right now!

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

Thank you all for the kind words, advice and experience. Things are better with my mom and her boyfriend than I expected them to be. If nothing else it got us all talking again, because for a while there I was isolating hard and avoiding them. The reason I am so concerned is that I had a similar experience with my dad and stepmom a few years ago, The meltdown was much less severe, no police were called or anything, but whatever I said or did traumatized them to the point that they are still to this day frightened of me (although of course their own issues influenced this). I am just so worried about pushing my my mom too far because I no longer talk to my dad and she is my only option being that I am unable to support myself for the time being. But you have all made me feel better, thank you

 

[OkRad]

Remember, too, not everyone will understand. And as you get older, it gets worse. Street talked about the discrimination and she is right. But age-ism hits, too. A 5 year old screaming is a tantrum. A 20 year old is scary, but might provoke sympathy, too. By 30? Suddenly you are just a crazy person. By 40 there is no hint of mercy. By 70, you are put into custodial care and called dementia.

I have no hope of ageing well with this .

 

[Sabrina]

I thought I could just share one of my experiences, instead of giving tips since I can't add to what has already been said.
The worst meltdown I had was when I was grade eight. I remember it all to well.

I was in the hospital at that point. I lived and went to school there. I got to see family on wensdays and got to go home on weekends. For a 'mental hospital' it was a pretty cool place that I have a good amount of fond memories from. I was there the previous year, so I was pretty used to the way things worked, and the staff (amazing people) knew me pretty well. They where introducing a new photography class, which was just the same class doing something else. I was excited and interested because I loved photography. I learned about everything I could do with my dad's camera, and obsessed over taking pictures of everything. Though the pictures content was normally boring, I got good at it. I asked if I could use my own (dads) and they said no. This situation divulged into a breakdown, after a good three minutes. It was the worst thing I could imagine at that time, I wanted to use the camera I had gotten used to, and would accept nothing else. I got to the point in which I was A̶ ̶b̶i̶t̶ out of control. The teacher called the staff down, and they had to physically restrain me. Touching me is already bad enough, during a breakdown it is incomparable, like a... anyways, it made things worse. Luckily I was little compared to the two staff that came to get me, and they a̶i̶d̶e̶d̶ carried me back to 'the quiet room's back onto the unit. Throught the whole situation I was screening things at them and was just being kind of a jerk :/ when they got me to the room, they had to stop me from harming myself which involved touching, i dont think they had jackets or padded rooms, so they had to be right there. More touching sucked, but I was in a controlled environment. It went on for four hours until I became so mentally exhausted that I stopped.

After the whole situation, because of how the place worked, and the understanding of the staff. They knew what I said even though hurtful, wasn't something I meant. The next morning, I didn't go to school until after lunch, the rest of the day was woodshop, and I promised to be on good behavior. They understood, and they helped me where I needed it most. I think that understanding was the most helpful thing for myself, and the staff.

I didn't get to do the camera class because I was in a good enough state the month after all that, that they transferred me. I went to revisit to play a game of ball hockey which we played daily. I wanted to go say hello to my old teacher, so the staff pointed me to the outside park closed off in the middle of the building. They where taking pictures.

using the exact same camera my dad had. :l

From what I can tell, the best thing is understanding. If they understand the nature of what happened, then they are in a better position to be forgiving.

It is so sad what happened to you.
I know your parents were doing the best they could. But if I had been in there position, I would have been so glad that you were happy taking pictures, that I would have given you my camera without a blink. I suppose they were trying to do the right thing, but the right thing sometimes is just to have a bit of compassion towards someone that desperately needs it. And I think you needed it badly.

 

[Sabrina]

I had been precariously ok for a while, depression kicking my butt, but generally trending up. Then I had an extreme meltdown the other night. Extreme as in police were called, I was cuffed and strapped into an ambulance that took me to an emergency room. I managed (barely) to avoid a third stay in a mental hospital (story for another time)

Anyway, that was a couple days ago. Of course I have no memory of the event, but my mom and her boyfriend who witnessed it told me what happened. I know exactly what triggered it and how to avoid it, and I have apologized, tried to explain that meltdown mode me is not the real me and I don't control or remember anything. They say they forgive me, but I still get the sense that they are walking on eggshells around me, desperately trying not to upset me. I hate it. Part of me finds it incredibly irritating and the other part can't even blame them. I scared the absolute balls off of them. Seeing a 26 year old woman screaming her head off, trying to run away but collapsing on the ground in screaming tears. traumatic for everyone involved, I get that. So maybe they are right to be scared of me. I probably would be too. I'm not sure what I'm looking for but any advice, good thought or similar experiences would be appreciated

Before the meltdown, were you trying very hard to be perfect, to be nice to everybody, to be a model citizen? I've noticed, from own experience, and from what I've read here, that trying too hard can be very dangerous, because our minds try to compensate in some way or another, like, for example (but not only) having meltdowns.

 

[Voltaic]

It is so sad what happened to you.
I know your parents were doing the best they could. But if I had been in there position, I would have been so glad that you were happy taking pictures, that I would have given you my camera without a blink. I suppose they were trying to do the right thing, but the right thing sometimes is just to have a bit of compassion towards someone that desperately needs it. And I think you need it badly.

It sucks, but it is in the past. Did I come off as these where my parents? What I was trying to say is that they where staff in a hospital.
I don't obsesse over what happened back when I was a kid, the stuff that happens last week is already enough. The thing is, we move on, and we learn from what happened, even if it only a little bit.

 

[Sabrina]

It sucks, but it is in the past. Did I come off as these where my parents? What I was trying to say is that they where staff in a hospital.
I don't obsesse over what happened back when I was a kid, the stuff that happens last week is already enough. The thing is, we move on, and we learn from what happened, even if it only a little bit.

We all carry experiences, good and bad, in our unconscious, whether we want it or not. Looking at the past explains a lot of what we are living and feeling today, specially, if we were mistreated during childhood. It's at that time, when we learned most of the things we assume about life and about ourselves, as adults.

If your parents (or your "caregivers") were mean to you, you learn that you are mean, not them. Kids don't assume their parents or caregivers are mean because that would threaten their whole existence: if their caregivers are mean, then they don't feel safe. How can your life be in the hands of someone that is bad? That's scary. Hence, the kid assumes that the bad one is himself. And that wrong assumption stays way too long, sometimes their whole life.

I understand that after we've understood what happened, we want to move on. But first is important to know, for example, that it is difficult to be compassionate towards ourselves, because we didn't have compassion when we were growing up. And so on.

In the case of the camera that wasn't given to you, the caregivers were your substitute parents, since your parents were not around. They were not compassionate, and if they had treated you better, you would be telling another story today.

 

[Voltaic]

We all carry experiences, good and bad, in our unconscious, whether we want it or not. Looking at the past explains a lot of what we are living and feeling today, specially, if we were mistreated during childhood. It's at that time, when we learned most of the things we assume about life and about ourselves, as adults.

If your parents (or your "caregivers") were mean to you, you learn that you are mean, not them. Kids don't assume their parents or caregivers are mean because that would threaten their whole existence: if their caregivers are mean, then they don't feel safe. How can your life be in the hands of someone that is bad? That's scary. Hence, the kid assumes that the bad one is himself. And that wrong assumption stays way too long, sometimes their whole life.

I understand that after we've understood what happened, we want to move on. But first is important to know, for example, that it is difficult to be compassionate towards ourselves, because we didn't have compassion when we were growing up. And so on.

In the case of the camera that wasn't given to you, the caregivers were your substitute parents, since your parents were not around. They were not compassionate, and if they had treated you better, you would be telling another story today.

I do disagree with their choice not to allow me the camera, but at the same time there where reasons as to why. I just reacted, well let's put it frankly, quiet autisticly going full meltdown over something that could be considered a small issue. I put the staff in a bad situation which I seem their reaction appropriate. No on want to look at two adults varying a screaming kid as something responsible, but that is just the nature of how things where. I don't look back to those situations in shame or someday like that. It is just my life. I can't afford to look back in shame and bitterness of how things should have been. It doesn't solve anything.

 

[Sabrina]

I do disagree with their choice not to allow me the camera, but at the same time there where reasons as to why. I just reacted, well let's put it frankly, quiet autisticly going full meltdown over something that could be considered a small issue. I put the staff in a bad situation which I seem their reaction appropriate. No on want to look at two adults varying a screaming kid as something responsible, but that is just the nature of how things where. I don't look back to those situations in shame or someday like that. It is just my life. I can't afford to look back in shame and bitterness of how things should have been. It doesn't solve anything.

You were an eight-year-old kid, you were not responsible of anything at all, you didn't put them in a bad situation, it was their job, they were the grown ups, not you. They were the ones that had to act correctly, and they didn't. In other words, that meltdown was not your fault, was theirs for not being sensible enough to your emotional needs. They knew you were autistic, what did they expect?

 

[Voltaic]

You were an eight-year-old kid, you were not responsible of anything at all, you didn't put them in a bad situation, it was their job, they were the grown ups, not you. They were the ones that had to act correctly, and they didn't. In other words, that meltdown was not your fault, was theirs for not being sensible enough to your emotional needs. They knew you were autistic, what did they expect?

I want t say a last word. If you want to continue talk, throw me a message, I don't want to continue to clog this thread with stuff about myself.
I wasn't a stable kid, when I broke down, It was full chernolby meltdown. The staff knew that what they had to do to not just remove the screaming kid from the class, I was a danger to myself and possibly others. They had to escalate the situation for my own good. It sucked, and they knew full well it sucked for me, they knew me well, I say I put them in a ****** situation because they had to knowingly cause me discomfort and more emotional pain to stop me from hurting myself. It sucked it Did, for everyone involved, but they didn't overstep boundies or caused harm.

It is the reality some of us live. It sucks. But that stuff does happen. I was placed in the hospital in the first place for very good reasons. It sucks, but the in and outs of the hospitals is my way of life. It sucks but in the past i needed to be controlled, it sucks, but sometimes stuff that sucks has to be done.

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

I've never understood why people become so outwardly aggressive when someone screams, when they realize that it's not someone screaming for help. It tends to be a great release during panic attacks and stress. The problem is that people want to pin you down, to stop the screaming because it really bothers them under any circumstances, and they absolutely have to stop it. No one does that to screaming babies. Only to adult's for some bizarre reason. Our pain and screams have to be stopped, in order to regain control and to stop the noise.

So what to do about your parents and family? After this episode. As if you did something wrong? Or as if you had some modicum of control over this. Doubt there is anything you can do, except discover what triggered it in the first place, and delve into it. Maybe talk therapy to iron it all out, and work on the pre-meltdown indications like:

• Chest tightness
  
• Headache or a feeling of pressure in the head
  
• Increased energy
  
• Irritability
  
• Palpitations
  
• Paranoia
  
• Rage
  
• Tingling
  
• Tremors
  
• Extreme stimming

And If you feel guilt or embarrassment over the meltdown, then maybe look at the precursors to an episode and go somewhere where you can have a meltdown in private, away from prying eyes. I've had meltdowns where I've chopped pieces of wood with a huge axe or broken things until it hurt, or run until I couldn't anymore.
Maybe stop blaming yourself as if you were completely and utterly responsible for all of this, as if somehow you might be able to control every reaction you have to things that happen. There's obviously some previous stimuli here, that triggered it.

Quote from the Bhagavad Gita,
It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly,
Than to live an imitation of someone else's with perfection.

I get why people react badly to screaming, especially an adult, it is loud and scary and indicates(usually)that something is wrong. I don't get why the reaction is to stop the person screaming instead of trying to help them, but whatever. Thank you for the information about indicators of a possible meltdown.
I do feel guilt and embarrassment. It is absolutely humiliating to lose control in front of people. Which is why I tend to try and "save them up" and let it all out in a private setting.
In this case I am at least partially to blame, I know that alcohol can set me off and I drank anyway, my bad choice, I realize that doesn't make the meltdown my fault entirely, but I could have prevented it, which is why I am so embarrassed about it