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How to ask him out??

BirdsNest

BirdsNest

Active Member
There is a guy I like, we share a working space but are not co-workers.

I like him, and we've got a budding friendship on the go. We see each other maybe 2 or 3 times a week in the studio space, and we've been going out with mutual friends about once a week for the last month. We've got a creative project between us, which is going really well.

Thing is he's about to go on a 2nd date with another girl- lets call her Jude. Apparently she's the one taking him on the date...taking the lead... anyway I'm gutted but I just pretended I didn't hear that bit of the (group) conversation because I wasn't sure how to react. I mean obviously I'm disappointed but I really struggled to imagine how to express it so I said nothing.

Actually a week or so ago he mentioned his first date with 'Jude' and mentioned a first date with another girl, so our mate jokingly booed him.
However I gave an enthusiastic "YES MATE!" even tho I was actually pretty sad by the news. So aware that I probably gave the wrong message here. :/

I asked a friend who doesn't know him about it and she asked me "Is he flirting with you?".
I would say that he does nice things for me -eg. today he carried my bag on the way to the park- but I don't know if that's just him being nice or flirting. I really can't tell. He does things that could be a bit flirty but he's a cheerful/extroverted people-person so I'm aware what *I* might regard to be flirting *he* might think nothing of.

Problem is I have gone into that stupid mind trap of anxiety. I really beat myself up for being Asperger's -feeling inadequate because I don't know how to deal with it. This feeds a negative cycle of thoughts and feelings which make it even harder for me.

Help please. :/
He's a really nice bloke and such a far cry from my last relationship, I really want to be with someone attentive and kind and he seems like that kind of guy.
 
If someone I liked was involved with someone else I thought it best to just basically forget it but also in the back of my mind be waiting it out. I would studiously not be flirting but at the same time not cut off contact/friendliness. If they became free then I would initiate something.
 
Tom said:
If someone I liked was involved with someone else I thought it best to just basically forget it but also in the back of my mind be waiting it out. I would studiously not be flirting but at the same time not cut off contact/friendliness. If they became free then I would initiate something.
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...they've only met for one date... and arranged another. I don't think thats a huge deal?

He seems to be dating around a bit at the moment, nothing with anyone sounds serious.

When we met I was with my now ex.
 
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If you like him, tell him! :) The worst thing that can happen is that he doesn't want to go out with you, but if you never ask him that won't happen anyway!
 
Lia said:
If you like him, tell him! :) The worst thing that can happen is that he doesn't want to go out with you, but if you never ask him that won't happen anyway!
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Something like...

"I know you've got a few dates lined up but if you ever want me to take you out on a date, I'll take you out on a date."

??
 
Im dealing with the same situation at this very moment. I just cant tell weather she likes me in that way. I cant read signals at all. Ive been doing research online about female body language to see what signals to look out for. Im not quite sure what signals im giving off. Probably nervous clumsiness. I only see her a few times a week so im just waiting for the right time. I couldn't give advice on the situation because im hopeless at this stuff. But i can definitely empathise.
 
Dan Dan said:
Im dealing with the same situation at this very moment. I just cant tell weather she likes me in that way. I cant read signals at all. Ive been doing research online about female body language to see what signals to look out for. Im not quite sure what signals im giving off. Probably nervous clumsiness. I only see her a few times a week so im just waiting for the right time. I couldn't give advice on the situation because im hopeless at this stuff. But i can definitely empathise.
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Maybe just ask her??
I think I am going to do that.... might as well be direct.

But yeah... I struggle with this a lot too.

RE: 'waiting for the right time'.
There is never a perfect time... every time I've said this I've chickened out altogether in the end.

Just go for it. :)
 
BirdsNest said:
Maybe just ask her??
I think I am going to do that.... might as well be direct.

But yeah... I struggle with this a lot too.

RE: 'waiting for the right time'.
There is never a perfect time... every time I've said this I've chickened out altogether in the end.

Just go for it. :)
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Im terrified of getting the answer i dont want. It will leave me broken because i really like her. But i suppose I'll never know until I try!
 
Dan Dan said:
Im terrified of getting the answer i dont want. It will leave me broken because i really like her. But i suppose I'll never know until I try!
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I'm scared of that as well!!
What if.....we both commit to just getting our feelings out there.....

I'll tell him and you tell her. ;)
 
Please share if you do! I've been in love with someone who has been with someone for a year! So I can't tell them because I am too empathetic for his g/f. (I really really am, sorry guys).

Just tell him you have feelings for him and if he'd like to go on a date! I am so excited for you! I hope it works out!
 
Well, I texted him a full 24 hours ago and have heard nothing from him. :/

It's not a 'no' but its not a resounding yes either.
 
Nothing to report as of yet! Going to be Thursday until I see her again. Just need to keep my head and not overthink everything. Try and act confident which will be hard.

How about sending another text?
 
BirdsNest said:
There is a guy I like, we share a working space but are not co-workers.

I like him, and we've got a budding friendship on the go. We see each other maybe 2 or 3 times a week in the studio space, and we've been going out with mutual friends about once a week for the last month. We've got a creative project between us, which is going really well.

Thing is he's about to go on a 2nd date with another girl- lets call her Jude. Apparently she's the one taking him on the date...taking the lead... anyway I'm gutted but I just pretended I didn't hear that bit of the (group) conversation because I wasn't sure how to react. I mean obviously I'm disappointed but I really struggled to imagine how to express it so I said nothing.

Actually a week or so ago he mentioned his first date with 'Jude' and mentioned a first date with another girl, so our mate jokingly booed him.
However I gave an enthusiastic "YES MATE!" even tho I was actually pretty sad by the news. So aware that I probably gave the wrong message here. :/

I asked a friend who doesn't know him about it and she asked me "Is he flirting with you?".
I would say that he does nice things for me -eg. today he carried my bag on the way to the park- but I don't know if that's just him being nice or flirting. I really can't tell. He does things that could be a bit flirty but he's a cheerful/extroverted people-person so I'm aware what *I* might regard to be flirting *he* might think nothing of.

Problem is I have gone into that stupid mind trap of anxiety. I really beat myself up for being Asperger's -feeling inadequate because I don't know how to deal with it. This feeds a negative cycle of thoughts and feelings which make it even harder for me.

Help please. :/
He's a really nice bloke and such a far cry from my last relationship, I really want to be with someone attentive and kind and he seems like that kind of guy.
Click to expand...

I've been in many different situations and have heard many friends talk about their own situations and experiences. I know what it is to be exhilarated, terrified, and anxious about feelings for another person and have NO IDEA what to do about it.
It's not easy, but what I've learned is that it's usually better to express yourself than keep it bottled up.
Better to regret what you did do than what you didn't do! That's my motto! Or, um, one of them.

I think that you shouldn't worry about his going on other dates. It sounds like he's open to "dating" multiple women at once (dating meaning "getting to know" here, though to what extent I don't know :p). I think you will regret it if you never say anything or try anything. Rejection might hurt, but if he truly is a nice guy he'll letcha down easy and be sweet about it :) If he's a massive jerk about it, you dodged a bullet! Keep that in mind.
My easiest go-to for guys has been asking them out on a low-pressure outing. I don't even really consider them dates because I don't expect any aspect of romance. For me it's more of a "test run" to spend some quality time with them, see how they reciprocate, and learn more about them.
"Hey, wanna go out to lunch sometime?" or "I'm going hiking this week, do you want to come?" etc.
I guess some people go to concerts and stuff, I usually drag men up a mountainside :p

Remember; he's a human too. He's got thoughts, and feelings, and fears, and hopes- and they're confusing, and exciting, and difficult to sort out for him too! You can't MAKE him do something he doesn't wanna do, so don't worry about impeding or pressuring him in light of these other women. You're simply being honest and making a non-obligatory proposition. There is nothing wrong with that, and he has every right to say no- or yes!

You don't NEED to spill your emotional guts out on him right now. You don't NEED to make an awkward message full of fluffy feelings and hints. Unless you want to! But maybe just get your foot wet. He will understand what you mean. He knows, as most of us (NT or ND) do, that "wanna go to lunch?" is a proposition, unless otherwise insisted and explained by the other party.

I've had two cases in recent years where I bottled my feelings up for YEARS about two different friends. I eventually told them both (at the same time x_x via text X__X and promptly passed out from anxiety X___X lol). Both were kind in reciprocation. Neither led anywhere (didn't really expect them to though).
I'm VERY GLAD I did it. And even though I'm a little disappointed that I waited so long to tell either of them, I'm glad it happened the way it happened- and that nothing happened! In retrospect we were not compatible. And I'm glad I didn't keep those emotions bottled up forever.
I felt a huge relief in telling them, because I had felt dishonest for so long! That's an awful feeling for me. I'm not arguing that it IS dishonest to keep your feelings in, I just personally have that conviction.

Look at it this way; you can't say the wrong thing to the right person.
Or this way; if it's meant to be, it'll happen!
Or if it doesn't work out, this way; if it could've, it would've, but it didn't, so here we are!

I say TELL HIM! ASK HIM OUT! Enjoy some adrenaline pumping, anxiety spiking, hormone fueled proactivity and SOCIAL EXPERIMENTATION! WOOOOOO!

(trying to getcha amped up here, is it working? :p)
 
Dan Dan said:
Nothing to report as of yet! Going to be Thursday until I see her again. Just need to keep my head and not overthink everything. Try and act confident which will be hard.

How about sending another text?
Click to expand...

Nah I'll wait until I see him in person before I bring it up.

Dorkasour said:
NOO! Maybe he is thinking it over?! -crosses fingers-
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....yeah........thanks for the optimisim.... I'm thinking probably not..........more likely he felt awkward and didn't know what to say. So didn't reply at all.
 
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