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How to appear less adversarial

W

waterrain

Active Member
So today I got a call from the employment coordinator with voc rehab.
This call caught me off guard because I was at the gas station.
She informs me that no volunteer jobs are available in IT so food bank
is what she wants me to do. ( This is a lie I saw a volunteer listing for web developer on the website today)

My response was " I can't do anything with that" "Employers will want
me to have experience "

Her reply was " you are being unreasonable no one will hire a volunteer to work in IT"

Another example over the weekend I had my car in the shop to evaluate what was wrong because it sometimes it starts and then other times it won't.
The guy said we did not replicate the problem but we did see your battery needs replaced.

My reply was " I will take my car somewhere else "

In both instances I couldn't think on my feet how to reply diplomatically.
The repair guy wanted me to buy a battery from him even though it wouldn't fix my car problem
and the employment coordinator wants me to volunteer but at the end that experience
I wont get me any closer to my career goal.

I know both people were trying to help. But the reality is each person could not
get me what I needed and both people ( and many others in the past) for some sick reason expect me to "pretend" that they helped me.


Anyone have any good diplomatic catch phrases I can use? I don't want to come
off as a jerk to people but I don't and refuse to play the pretend game either.
 
If you read both situations correctly I'm honestly not sure those circumstances warranted a particularly diplomatic response.
 
Thinking about it, maybe it's better to say "I appreciate you trying to help but..." Otherwise it implies help has already been provided. But I'm probably looking too far into it.
 
In the second case (the car), conflict or no, if you felt that the guy was trying to pressure you into a purchase you didn't want, that's an issue and you do have to stand up for yourself if you feel there's an issue.
 
Not sure if this helps a lot, but in both situations I think you've handled it way more diplomatic than me, lol

In both situations I'd probably just pointed out "how does this solve my problem?"

As Gonzerd pointed out "I appreciate your help..." seems like a fair thing to say. But as he later also pointed out, it would imply they offered you help. And with that I'm probably one of those people who will point out that unless it actually was of any use and service, there was no actual help that I specifically asked for. You're looking for a job and you are specific about it, telling you there's a job in a different field is not helping.. it's moving the issue around and hoping someone won't notice it. As for the car; same thing probably. You brought the car in for an issue with the ignition (I presume, I'm clueless about cars), the battery is not relevant here. (on a sidenote; it's even worse when people want to charge you money for things you didn't ask for.. but for some reason it's fine to tell them you're not interested).

I"m not really understanding how you're a jerk at all. Standing up for yourself is something that I think is important and telling people they're doing a bad job when you ask assistance for something specific seems fair enough actually.
 
King_Oni said:
Not sure if this helps a lot, but in both situations I think you've handled it way more diplomatic than me, lol

In both situations I'd probably just pointed out "how does this solve my problem?"

As Gonzerd pointed out "I appreciate your help..." seems like a fair thing to say. But as he later also pointed out, it would imply they offered you help. And with that I'm probably one of those people who will point out that unless it actually was of any use and service, there was no actual help that I specifically asked for. You're looking for a job and you are specific about it, telling you there's a job in a different field is not helping.. it's moving the issue around and hoping someone won't notice it. As for the car; same thing probably. You brought the car in for an issue with the ignition (I presume, I'm clueless about cars), the battery is not relevant here. (on a sidenote; it's even worse when people want to charge you money for things you didn't ask for.. but for some reason it's fine to tell them you're not interested).

I"m not really understanding how you're a jerk at all. Standing up for yourself is something that I think is important and telling people they're doing a bad job when you ask assistance for something specific seems fair enough actually.
Click to expand...
Lol I guess people just want to make me feel like a jerk when I tell them truth.
 
waterrain said:
Lol I guess people just want to make me feel like a jerk when I tell them truth.
Click to expand...

I think this is one of those times where you're expected to grit your teeth and smile and say "thanks for trying to help, but I'll keep looking." It's one of those NT things where "polite society" doesn't want to hear the truth, at least not so bluntly.
 
dragonwolf said:
I think this is one of those times where you're expected to grit your teeth and smile and say "thanks for trying to help, but I'll keep looking." It's one of those NT things where "polite society" doesn't want to hear the truth, at least not so bluntly.
Click to expand...

Thanks, that's another statement I can use. Polite society is difficult to get along with that's for sure. I know the obvious
manner stuff like don't insult others, take turns, treat others as you want to be treated etc. I make missteps
because I like and enjoy for the most part to be told the blunt truth. 98% of the time I'd prefer
the straight truth so I'd say my blunt truth tolerance meter goes higher than most others.
 
waterrain said:
So today I got a call from the employment coordinator with voc rehab.
This call caught me off guard because I was at the gas station.
She informs me that no volunteer jobs are available in IT so food bank
is what she wants me to do. ( This is a lie I saw a volunteer listing for web developer on the website today)

My response was " I can't do anything with that" "Employers will want
me to have experience "

Her reply was " you are being unreasonable no one will hire a volunteer to work in IT"

Another example over the weekend I had my car in the shop to evaluate what was wrong because it sometimes it starts and then other times it won't.
The guy said we did not replicate the problem but we did see your battery needs replaced.

My reply was " I will take my car somewhere else "

In both instances I couldn't think on my feet how to reply diplomatically.
The repair guy wanted me to buy a battery from him even though it wouldn't fix my car problem
and the employment coordinator wants me to volunteer but at the end that experience
I wont get me any closer to my career goal.

I know both people were trying to help. But the reality is each person could not
get me what I needed and both people ( and many others in the past) for some sick reason expect me to "pretend" that they helped me.


Anyone have any good diplomatic catch phrases I can use? I don't want to come
off as a jerk to people but I don't and refuse to play the pretend game either.
Click to expand...

If I were faced with the two situations you describe here, I would not be thinking about being more diplomatic. I would immediately report the garage guy to the BBB. If he had a website allowing feedback I would have given him 1 star and say exactly what you said here.
I cannot say much about the employment coordinator incident because I have no frame of reference. But I have a very good friend who works as a career coach for people with disabilities and he agrees that, other than learning to work with other people, the food bank offers no relevant work experience for IT work. In fact, doing that may only profile you as someone who is not capable of technical work.
One of the things we Aspies seem to be good at is seeing the truth and telling the truth. That does not always endear us with NTs who operate from a different set of values. Then when the truth catches up with them they have no idea how to reset. Planes have crashed; trains have derailed; and Governments have fallen when a line of falsehoods encounter the wall of truth. We should never let ourselves drift into that position just to be "diplomatic" At the same time we have to realize that we posses a gift that most NTs do not. So we should never hold it over them in anger or bad feelings. We should just say NO and politely walk away.
 
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