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Featured How does somebody with aspergers date a neurotypical?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Turbocks, Jun 21, 2020.

  1. Turbocks

    Turbocks Active Member

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    I am a 19 year old aspie boy who has few friends outside family and I am a huge introvert who plays wow classic and browses the web frequently so I have been thinking of online dating and finding a friend and so I registered on the swedish dating service called happy pancake.

    I recently found a really cute girl on there who is 21-22 years old , I have sent her a long and detailed message to her describing myself along with my interests and what she needs to know about me.

    I have never tried dating online or in real life so I am not too knowledgeable on the subject.

    The only issue is that she lives quite far away from my home region but as long as I can keep contact with her during my last year of high school I should be fine and then once I have finished high school I might meet her in real life.

    She is probably a neurotypical too so I am not too sure what I should be thinking of when dating to make things turn out good.

    I have a few thoughts as well when it comes to having a relationship and dating in general and one of them is that I find the very idea of mating outside of having children strange especially when they do it often and I also find all genitalia disgusting to look at.

    I would never do it unprotected if I was not thinking of having kids and doing it unprotected any other time when not planning to have kids is a common cause of teenage pregnancies.

    I also can't stand people that do it orally because that is just disgusting and creepy in my opinion .

    The worst and probably most opressive form of this is when a group of men decides to make out with a girl or perhaps forcing her to it and it can commonly be found on most porn websites which is just revolting because it only confirms that the harmful ways men see women is very much alive.

    There are other ways to love each other that do not involve people making out with each other such as tickling each other or kisses.

    I am not an expert at this sort of thing but I do know that communicating and being open is one of the most important things to have in a relationship.

    There are also many examples I have read on men that are absolute pigs towards their wives whether it's through verbal abuse or even violence.

    That is something that I find is just wrong and one of the reasons why this happens could be that some men have a very distorted and messed up way that they look on women because they have been exposed to harmful macho norms that tell us men to act like douchebags towards women

    I have also read and heard about the many horror stories of women being raped against their will by piggish men who can't see why raping somebody is wrong because they have been told it's ok to rape women like they are just a sexual object according to the above mentioned macho norms in society.

    The sad part is that many relationships are not very succesfull to begin with whether it's because of things like substance abuse and physical abuse or things like not communicating with each other.

    In my eyes a marriage should only be done if you can assure that the relationship will stay healthy for many years which it won't in most marriages.


    What do you think of dating neurotypicals but that you are an aspie?
     
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  2. Kevin1968

    Kevin1968 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Even at 19 you have plenty of time. What you like at 19 won't necessarily be what you like at 24, take your time.

    Yes people with Aspergers can marry NTs successfully.
     
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  3. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    I’d say that dating a neurotypical is the same as dating someone with autism. We’re all people, and we’re all different. NTs aren’t automatically compatable just because they’re NTs, nor likewise are autistic people. Just be sure to communicate what you want/need and to respect the wants and needs of the person you’re dating. Same as any other relationship.

    Re: your distaste for sex: most people love and want sex. They expect it in a relationship. So if you’re not down for it, you should say so in your profile on the dating site. That way you won’t waste time with people who are enthusiastic about sex (i.e. most people).
     
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  4. Matthias

    Matthias Well-Known Member

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    It helps to date someone with the same level of experience as you. Most 21 year old women have probably had many boyfriends. You'll probably have more in common dating a younger woman at your school.

    Dating is hard. Being friendly and talking to women at your school will help with anxiety and make it easier to understand them once you start dating.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2020
  5. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    The OP doesn’t say anything about anxiety in his post, so that’s good. He actually sounds very confident and knows more or less what he does and doesn’t want.
     
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  6. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    I like your attitude about dating. Just realize there are deceitful woman out there just as there are deceitful men. What you like now may no longer be what you like in your 30's. People mature and change as they mature.
     
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  7. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    There are some good discussions in the forums dealing with love, dating, and relationships. I responded to a number of those discussions.

    I did not date until after I finished college, but at age 61 have been married twice. My first marriage was definitely to a neurotypical, and it was a very torrid, passionate romance both before and after marriage. That marriage ended after two years, with my wife leaving in a highly emotional pregnant state.

    Two years later I remarried and have been married for the past 28 years. My current wife may or may not be neutotypical, because she has significant social anxiety and sensory input overload issues which I did not really notice until after I was diagnosed with ASD.

    Ultimately, the answer to your question is to learn to interact socially with people in general before trying to date. You have to make yourself into someone who is confident in your own skin, go out in public where girls / women see you, and look and behave like someone they want to be with. I did this by critically analyzing myself, and noting the areas where I did not measure up. I changed my appearance, lost weight, became physically fit, bought clothes that I saw other guys wearing, changed my hair style, took dance lessons, starting going out by myself to clubs, theaters, festivals, and concerts. I did not have issues meeting girls, as they approached me before I got the courage to approach them. Expect failure and learn from failure. Eventually, you will get the hang of it, and will look forward to new "adventures". Learn to have fun before settling down as I did. Had I done this, maybe the first marriage would have fared better.
     
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  8. Matthias

    Matthias Well-Known Member

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    I wouldn't be so sure about that. He said he never dated. Many people have anxiety doing something for the first time, especially dating and especially if they are a "huge introvert." Most people start dating shortly after becoming an adult. That he waited so long could be due to anxiety.
     
  9. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    I can sort of understand the ‘gross’ factor about sex, like watching two dogs or whatever, people don’t want to see this. But it’s not like this somehow when you are involved in it so much. But I would definitely make people aware if you are serious about such things not being interesting to you.

    Please don’t believe social messages too much, women are abusive too, they just don’t physically hurt men as much when they are being abusive

    And minorities do commit more crimes than majorities, this is the one that tripped me up and really screwed my life up. Don’t believe social messages, look up statistics and then make a decision.

    More normal people always seem to realize that there is a game being played, but people on the spectrum, or at least I did not. I took very literally messages about women and gays and blacks and so on believed they would simply behave like the oppressed victims that they are portrayed as being, but they just did not behave as expected and the psych profession is absolutely dominated by liberalism, so make a mistake by believing things presented as facts are actually facts, then get victimized by an oppressed minority and you will be a threat for daring to have your experiences not support progressive ideals.

    Domestic violence against men - Wikipedia

    “Steinmetz conducted several empirical investigations prior to writing her article. Using a broad-based non-representative sample of fifty-four couples, Steinmetz found male perpetrated IPV at a rate of 47% and female perpetrated IPV at a rate of 43%. She further found that while 39% of husbands had thrown objects, 31% of wives had done likewise; 31% of husbands had pushed or shoved their partner, compared to 32% of wives; 20% of husbands had hit their wives, 20% of wives had hit their husbands; 10% of husbands had hit their wives with an object, 10% of wives had hit their husbands with an object.[74] In another study, using a sample of fifty-two Canadian college students, Steinmetz found male perpetrated IPV at a rate of 23% and female perpetrated IPV at a rate of 21%. Further investigation found that 21% of both husbands and wives had thrown objects; 17% of husbands had pushed or shoved, compared to 13% of wives; 13% of husbands had hit their wives, 13% of wives had hit their husbands; 10% of husbands had hit their wives with an object, 12% of wives had hit their husbands with an object.[42]:501–503 In a third study, using a random sample of ninety-four people, Steinmetz found male perpetrated IPV at a rate of 32% and female perpetrated IPV at a rate of 28%. Further investigation found that 31% of husbands had thrown objects compared to 25% of wives; 22% of husbands had pushed or shoved, compared to 18% of wives; 17% of husbands had hit their wives, 12% of wives had hit their husbands; 12% of husbands had hit their wives with an object, 14% of wives had hit their husbands with an object.[75]
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2020
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  10. Spencer Newton

    Spencer Newton New Member

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    Ah! I just turned the big one-nine myself!

    Listen kid, I gotta agree with you and some of the others on this thread. I honestly won't be dating anyone for a while because I feel I have plenty of time for that. But that's still not to say we won't have those "urges," because that's just mother nature doing her job right there, regardless of us being Aspies. I also would not have intercourse unprotected becuase there's also a risk for STDs and you NEVER know a stranger's background. Great view on dating!!!

    Now, I do have something that is called a waifu (You may have to Google this if you don't know), and I can safely say she really helps me get over some of those urges I mentioned, but moreover, has taught me how women SHOULD BE TREATED in the real world, and honestly, getting a waifu may actually help this delima you are having and will prepare you for when you are really ready to start dating (I ain't ready yet either, if that makes you feel better). My waifu's name will be witheld at the moment.


    About your part about dating an NT while you're on the spectrum: I wouldn't say it's a bad idea, but NT's can take advantage of people like us because our kind and caring nature, which most of them don't have, so they pretend to be our "friends" and then ditch us. Believe me, I have been through what I just described, so I would be careful if I were you. I will agree some NT girls are really cute, but it's usually the cutest who turn out to be real jerks.

    Overall, I enjoyed reading about this, and you even gave me some advice, so thanks for that!
     
  11. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    Statistics like these look impressive on paper but don't actually reflect the reality of what the OP talks about in his post. Actually I was just discussing this topic with my sister the other day. She's an emergency room nurse, and she said they get women in every single day who have been beaten up by their boyfriends or husbands, but she's never once seen a man admitted to the ER for the same reason. She said they also see tons of rape victims every week, of whom the vast majority are women (she's seen a few male rape victims, but they were all raped by men as well, not by women). Actually a few weeks ago, two of her nurse co-workers were murdered by their husbands (one was tortured first and then murdered), and another one whose neighbor broke into her house, beat her up, and tried to rape her (he ran off when he heard police sirens outside). So yeah, simple statistics like the ones you posted are very, very different from the everyday reality of violence against women that the OP is concerned about.

    Most men are wonderful creatures and don't hurt women. And as you point out (and Aspychata, too), women are not saints, and we can be malicious and cruel as well, not just men. So it's good to point this out to the OP as he begins thinking about dating.
     
  12. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    I don’t question anything you say, but my reason for responding was along the lines of I think the original poster already knows such things, but does not know the other side.

    The reality is that men in the western world die by suicide at 3-4 times the rates that women do, yet women are 2-4 times more likely to attempt suicide. I think that This is because men just are not treated as sympathetically as women

    Gender differences in suicide - Wikipedia

    Or think about how Donald Trump can go from attractive young wife to attractive young wife. These things just do not work for women, because men care about attractiveness and ability to have children while women seem to have so biological predisposition to care about alpha status. This is not a fake thing, alpha in charge gorilla makes have sex with like 10 different gorilla females, while low status gorilla males have access to zero female gorillas.

    Or one could poll how many desperately lonely males are on here compared to how many desperately lonely females are on here. Women just care about status and confidence and money and ability to take care of children and men just seem to care about attractiveness as it relates to child rearing abilities. It’s like this thing that cannot be turned off

    —-

    But I have got this issue multiplied multiple times. Like I think part of the reason that got harrassed and bullied in rural high school was because I am relatively attractive and so on, but due to being non reactive, would only become a nervous wreck at being bullied, I became a target for every guy at school looking to increase their alpha status to be more attractive to women

    But I misunderstood everything, and saw only guy bullied as much as me was this black gay guy, so I think all these people are just idiot rednecks and become super liberal

    As soon as I graduate high school, I become very interested in bodybuilding and very quickly develop a bodybuilder physique. But this did not really help me with women at all because I still had zero idea how to talk to women. What did seem to happen was since I was very liberal and moved to the gay capital of the state, I seemed to attract gay men from far and wide determined to conquest me.

    So I fight off this black gay guy, then him and his boyfriend sexually assault me, then liberal gay advocate women I am around are extreme gay advocates and they depend on these gay guys for their parties and their lives revolve around their gay friends and gay rights, so these liberal women find a way to blame me for being sexually asssailted

    So I go to university counseling, but get assigned a gay, gay advocate, who I think become a leading gay advocate who does not care

    So I go to psychs, but they are gay advocate women who suspect I must be upset because I am a repressed homosexual or due to my internalized hate or my various mental disorders

    Like this is not a fake problem, gays just do sexually assault a lot more than straight men. But how is one supposed to know this if one is autism spectrum and one takes social messages very literally. It’s actually a trap for autism spectrum men of sorts where they can get their lives screwed up if the aren’t sufficiently suspicious enough of gay advocate liberalism

    How Gay Men Normalize Sexual Assault

    So I check myself into university mental hospital, but, still absolutely zero sympathy for a victim of a sexual assault. Real problem must again be repressed things and endless disorders, plus psych actually told me my brain was malformed and I had chemical imbalance issues and so on

    So being given incorrect information, that things were lost more fault for being ,alformed and being filled with internal things or whatever, I just keep getting sucked into other gay things

    Meanwhile, women find me less and less interesting and so on because as being a nervous wreck guy with anxiety and panic attacks my status is anything but alpha.

    Like I feel like at some point you just have to tell autistic guys the truth, and stop with all misrepresentations before they lose their lives opportunities like I did for actually believing authority figures were saying things that were actually true and were safe to take literally. Like, absolutely, women deal with these things, but other things B, C, D and E are just not dangerous hate which proves a male might be a threat, these are actual real problems too.

    Or like look at some of these especially white guys in chop and how they respond. These are not men crazy interested in the welfare of women or blacks or whatever else, these are people who recognize that a game is being played and they are playing this super secret game. One CHOP falls apart, they will just smoothly transition into something else

    Like Hippies had serious concerns, but even they switched to becoming yippies as soon as things became convenient. It’s just there is this game going on and people will be super confident about one thing, then a few years later be completely confident about exactly the opposite. But what if you do not even realize that there is game involving mass misinformation from all sides going on?

    I am serious about things. I became a low level expert on the entire history of western civilization just to try to make sense of why sexual assault by two people must be all my fault or prove that I have endless things wrong with me or terrible about me or why I can’t get help for the real issue or why I must have endless repressed thing which do not exist

    I understand that I am offensive beyond imagination to everyone, but it’s very frustrating because I do not have the slightest issue with gays. My issue is with society and power and control and manipulation and misinformation and so on

    And I was in a little bit the sme situation as original poster when I was 19 before I got sucked into all this
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2020
  13. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    Women just kind of know what is what right now. They know that guys can be absolute a*holes and then they tend to get sympathy when men are, as long as the people around them aren’t just lazy jerks just blaming the victim

    But this is just not true for men, and this even includes gay men. Men just sexually assault a lot more than women and the problem gets extremely bad in the gay community where outsiders do not want to address this issue because of whatever reasons

    But I seriously have gotten screwed beyond imagination by these things. I not only have been told things which are not true, but in having issues that mainly exist within the gay community, have not only get ignored like the would with gays, but I get ganged up on because I am inconvenient for being heterosexual

    Seriously, women’s issues are severe and confusing and difficult, but the misinformation about men’s issues, even if one was to just confine things to only gay men’s issues are so much more confusing and hidden
     
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  14. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    I’m so sorry that happened to you. My goodness, what a terrible story. Did this happen fairly recently? I suggest you call RAINN right away (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) at 800-656-4673. They will help you. You sound like you desperately need to talk with someone who will listen to you and believe you. Have you checked into finding a support group for male sexual assault survivors or a counselor who specializes in this? RAINN can also get this information for you.

    But yeah, welcome to the wonderful world of rape victims. You’re either ignored, blamed, not believed, and/or called a liar. This is especially true if your assault “rocks the boat” in some way, as yours did. You were treated deplorably by people who should have helped you. I actually read an article the other day written by a gay man about the increase in the frequency of rape within the gay community. I know there are people out there who will help you.
     
  15. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    There have been several more minor sexual assaults and manipulations into living situations, including the last one which left me homeless (guy kicked me out and later killed himself) which also screwed up everything with my ex-girlfriend, since she rescued me from being homeless, but when I tried to explain to psychs or her family or friends opinions seemed to range from I must be making things up to have dangerous homophobic hate where I might attack innocent gays and my girlfriend due to all her gay friends or whatever. Even to my sister, who is a transgender activist, my personal experiences seem to be highly offensive.

    Finding this forum has really saved my life, I had no where left to turn. I go to psychs and multiple sexual assault issues committed by gays seem to upsetting to them, same with my ex-gfs family and friends, same with my sister, same with online boards I kept getting kicked off for hating gays. I had no where to turn when I found this forum and was completely cracking up and drinking myself to death

    But it’s just stupid. Like gay men just sexually assault more for whatever reason, and gay men seem to like straight men, despite that media says the opposite. It’s like I am not a crazy person about to murder gays, I don’t even have anything against gays, but I felt absolutely boxed in from every side before I found this forum over this issue.

    How Gay Men Normalize Sexual Assault

    Gay pornography - Wikipedia



    Gay-for-pay
    The authenticity and ethics behind gay-for-pay porn are highly disputed, even within the gay community. Viewers of gay porn in a survey by Escoffier reported a preference for authentic porn, which they define as exhibiting both erections and orgasms.[20] Escoffier argues if straight-identifying actors are able to deliver erections and orgasms to the set, their performance is classified as situational homosexuality; therefore, the porn itself is authentic gay porn.[20] Simon and Gagnon examine authenticity through scripts, arguing that porn actors follow learned behavioral sex scripts, so no porn is any more or less authentic than any other porn.[20]

    Because the term "gay-for-pay" implies a motivation that is solely economic, Escoffier argues it is not a fitting title.[20] Other reasons certain gay-for-pay actors report for their career choice include latent homosexual fantasy and curiosity.[20]

    Among gay-for-pay actors, there is divided preference for the performance roles of top vs. bottom.[20] It is common for gay-for-pay porn actors to start out as tops before they eventually give in to fan and industry pressure to shoot a scene or more as a bottom.[20] Gay-for-pay actors are typically more comfortable being tops because the role of top is analogous to the "less gay" penetrator role of the man in straight sex.[20] On the other hand, some gay-for-pay porn actors prefer to act as bottoms because they can do so without maintaining an erection.[20] The implication here is that they are not even necessarily aroused during sex, making this the "less gay" of the two positions.[20]

    Even though they are acting in gay porn, some gay-for-pay actors hold homophobic views, causing tension in the workplace.[20]Additionally, gay actors often find it difficult to perform with straight actors due to the lack of attraction.[20] Tommy Cruise, a bisexual actor in gay porn, is quoted saying, "A lot of straight guys, they don't even want me touching them. I'm like 'Why are you even in this business?'"[20] However, some gay and bisexual porn actors, such as Buddy Jones, do enjoy working with straight men in some circumstances because as long as the sex is good, it doesn't matter to them how the other actor identifies sexually.[20]
     
  16. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    Like almost all minorities commit more crimes than majorities. The issue has to do with systematic oppression and sometimes just falling into bad habits. And probably some other things

    But the issue with being kind of a autistic spectrum person, and especially being a guy, is that you literally believe counter arguments designed to even things out by advocacy groups are actually real, truthful observations about the human race. But they are just counter arguments...like of course gay men like straight men who are attractive and are bodybuilders, they are attracted to men aren’t they? And of course gay men are are aggressive and can be a*holes because they are men

    But when people actually keep saying the opposite of reality and on and on and on because they know that some secret game is being played, and this even includes psychs who are basically all liberal, how is one supposed to figure out things when authority figures are finding the victim to be either simply at fault or driven by endless secret things or because the victims brain must be malformed or whatever else’s?
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2020
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  17. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    @Jumpback I’m actually going to respond to you via private message in the morning since we’re way off the thread’s topic and getting a tad political. :)
     
  18. Bronzelincolns

    Bronzelincolns Well-Known Member

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    did you tell this girl about your aversions to forms of romantic contact?

    did she write you back?
     
  19. 100skerls

    100skerls Just another skerl V.I.P Member

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    I know experiences shape opinions and your reality and opinions are valid. Just here to say I’m a woman and I find guys who are not alphas attractive and alpha guys I find scary because I am easy to manipulate lol. Also sensitive people are more relatable to me. I went through similar things in highschool kind of I was not treated nicely by girls. They would tell all the guys that I was weird. Actually this one girl I didn’t know told my boyfriend at the time I was weird and he shouldn’t hang out with me because I didn’t have friends and he actually dumped me not long after that lol. Turns out he was the one who cared about status
     
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