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How do you react when just out of no where, someone says something unkind

Suzanne

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Thankfully it doesn't happen all the time, but perhaps if it did, I would be able to handle it better.

Just the other day, I was chatting with another female and it was ok; I felt a little bit on edge but was coping and just said that when I was little and had not finished my sentance, when she came out with: you haven't grown much or something like that and in truth, I felt that I had my head whipped back in shock. I was utterly confused, because first, she was only a bit taller and that was due to wearing a bit more of a heel than me, but actually, we are the same size, so I could not fathom why she would say it. I know it may seem inoffensive, but I can read enough a person's tone to know it was out of spite, but WHY? I just said rather lamely: umm we are the same height. But it plagues on my mind, because of the HIDDEN meaning. So, I know I can say things like: precious things come in small packages etc ( I am 5ft4ins), but I cannot help want to know WHY it was said? What MOTIVE? Because you see, if there is something about me that is distasteful, then how can I work on it, if one hides behind being nice?
 
Suzanne said:
Thankfully it doesn't happen all the time, but perhaps if it did, I would be able to handle it better.

Just the other day, I was chatting with another female and it was ok; I felt a little bit on edge but was coping and just said that when I was little and had not finished my sentance, when she came out with: you haven't grown much or something like that and in truth, I felt that I had my head whipped back in shock. I was utterly confused, because first, she was only a bit taller and that was due to wearing a bit more of a heel than me, but actually, we are the same size, so I could not fathom why she would say it. I know it may seem inoffensive, but I can read enough a person's tone to know it was out of spite, but WHY? I just said rather lamely: umm we are the same height. But it plagues on my mind, because of the HIDDEN meaning. So, I know I can say things like: precious things come in small packages etc ( I am 5ft4ins), but I cannot help want to know WHY it was said? What MOTIVE? Because you see, if there is something about me that is distasteful, then how can I work on it, if one hides behind being nice?
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I don't usually know what to say... I kind of just say nothing or try and laugh to cover the fact I don't know how to respond... But yeah that will then play on my mind for hours, sometimes days.

I'm never sure if its them trying to say something nasty and cover it with kindness or if they genuinely didn't know what they said was mean.
 
I would dismiss them as the true idiot that they showed me they were and leave it at that.
 
I find a deadpan, "That was such a mean thing to say," will let them take on the burden of explaining themselves.

Either they realize they took offense and start backtracking and apologizing

OR

They demonstrate they don't care about you as a person, and you can be childish and spit on them :)
 
Kirsty said:
Maybe she senses you're very young for your age? I don't know you, but that's one perspective I have on this.
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True, true, I am very young for my age. But am sure that is due to feeling so unsure of myself around others.
 
ksheehan88 said:
I don't usually know what to say... I kind of just say nothing or try and laugh to cover the fact I don't know how to respond... But yeah that will then play on my mind for hours, sometimes days.

I'm never sure if its them trying to say something nasty and cover it with kindness or if they genuinely didn't know what they said was mean.
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It is interesting that you are not an aspie and react the same way. As it happens, I do believe that she realised she had said something rather unkind, but tried to cover her tracks and I let her, but doesn't stop it festering in my mind.

Soon going over there for dinner, with another couple and in truth, am not looking forward to it and worry that I will make myself look a fool.

I am either very young for my age, or too starchy lol

I went over the other day, to pop a couple of dishes back to her and thought they were not at home, but they were and so, felt thrown and could not relax, even though she offered me a coffee; a unique experience, the overall ie people we see often, due to our faith, is living so close; very surreal to me.
 
Unfortunately we don't really know what motivated such a response. Especially if this involved a complete stranger. Where you have no idea where they are coming from on multiple levels.

It could be as simple as a poor choice of words, or a predatory bully who has no problem belittling a complete stranger. But we really don't know the "what" or "why" of such an interaction to be certain.

Though inadvertently saying the wrong thing for no particular reason isn't something likely confined to any one neurological profile IMO.

I have to deal with such a similar scenario whenever someone directs sarcasm may way. That while they may not mean anything by it, more often than not I can only process it as a personal insult. Where my only pragmatic course of action is not to react to it at all.
 
I remember once, some idiot had a pop at me on Sheffield Forum accusing me of being a work shy waste of space because I can't work due to disability, I promptly sent him a very strongly worded PM telling him what to do with his low opinion of me, which he promptly forwarded to the Mods and got me banned for life.

Stupid idiot Daily Fail reading ARSE JOCKEY!:mad:
 
I have the tendency to react quite angrily, I have on one or 2 occasions nearly lost my job because I have broken something in anger or start to verbally attack the person. I do try rise above it but sometimes I cant.
 
Suzanne, I can relate. It's hard to know if someone is being mean, and if they are, why, and what to do next about it.

May I just say that you did the best you could, amd that you gave a good heart. I hope you surround yourself with those who appreciate you.
 
I understand having a hard time understanding how to socialize with women. They can be insincere and really passive aggressive. I don't know what they like to talk about. (Not science fiction books or domestic policy!) Usually if someone says something passive aggressive, I know something is off but I don't suss it out until much later. And it always hurts when I figure out they were just being "quiet mean." It means they look down on me for not being "normal" in social situations. Some people that I've made a fool of myself enough times in front of them start using a tone of voice that is condescending and suggests they think I'm mentally feeble. I want to punch them in the snoot! I get it - they think I'm a weirdo who they'd rather not have around.

The worst is when I'm working for a bully boss (I have trouble spotting them) and they know I'm a very compliant people pleaser who probably won't push back. I'm a very loyal and efficient worker, but the pain from bullying and sometimes sexual harassment builds up until I freak out and suddenly quit my job. Because I finally realize this is the way they are, they aren't like me i.e. very honest and kind, and they will never be convinced to be less predatory. It sucks. I can't hold down a job or keep a friendship going. My family just thinks I'm overly emotional and I should just decide to not let it bother me. I can't do that. I obsess and get bitter.
 
Illuminatas said:
I understand having a hard time understanding how to socialize with women. They can be insincere and really passive aggressive. I don't know what they like to talk about. (Not science fiction books or domestic policy!) Usually if someone says something passive aggressive, I know something is off but I don't suss it out until much later. And it always hurts when I figure out they were just being "quiet mean." It means they look down on me for not being "normal" in social situations. Some people that I've made a fool of myself enough times in front of them start using a tone of voice that is condescending and suggests they think I'm mentally feeble. I want to punch them in the snoot! I get it - they think I'm a weirdo who they'd rather not have around.

The worst is when I'm working for a bully boss (I have trouble spotting them) and they know I'm a very compliant people pleaser who probably won't push back. I'm a very loyal and efficient worker, but the pain from bullying and sometimes sexual harassment builds up until I freak out and suddenly quit my job. Because I finally realize this is the way they are, they aren't like me i.e. very honest and kind, and they will never be convinced to be less predatory. It sucks. I can't hold down a job or keep a friendship going. My family just thinks I'm overly emotional and I should just decide to not let it bother me. I can't do that. I obsess and get bitter.
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Illuminatas said:
I understand having a hard time understanding how to socialize with women. They can be insincere and really passive aggressive. I don't know what they like to talk about. (Not science fiction books or domestic policy!) Usually if someone says something passive aggressive, I know something is off but I don't suss it out until much later. And it always hurts when I figure out they were just being "quiet mean." It means they look down on me for not being "normal" in social situations. Some people that I've made a fool of myself enough times in front of them start using a tone of voice that is condescending and suggests they think I'm mentally feeble. I want to punch them in the snoot! I get it - they think I'm a weirdo who they'd rather not have around.

The worst is when I'm working for a bully boss (I have trouble spotting them) and they know I'm a very compliant people pleaser who probably won't push back. I'm a very loyal and efficient worker, but the pain from bullying and sometimes sexual harassment builds up until I freak out and suddenly quit my job. Because I finally realize this is the way they are, they aren't like me i.e. very honest and kind, and they will never be convinced to be less predatory. It sucks. I can't hold down a job or keep a friendship going. My family just thinks I'm overly emotional and I should just decide to not let it bother me. I can't do that. I obsess and get bitter.
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Stay away from the women -- we Aspies and they will never get along. I was lucky enough to work for a great employer. If your employer offends you, you may wish to call them on it, or just pretend you don't know what they're talking about. We are also innocents at the heart of it all.
 
See that thread I wrote in random off topic a week last Tuesday ago about a guy at work calling me a "Deaf C***" because he thought I couldn't hear him due to having just changed battery in my hearing aid, unbeknown to him I DID hear him, and simply said "I heard and will remember that"... A few years ago if ANYONE had called me a C word Id've belted them.
 
People people! Learn the withering uses of SHAME.

A piercing look (I call it my Basilisk Stare) which is simply letting the emotions of pity and disgust mingle on my face... and most realize they are being a$$e$ and slink away.

It feels good, let me tell ya!
 
I would just give them a silent blank stare. Although having said that, I stopped growing when I was 12, so I'm still 5'2". I like to say I'm "vertically challenged".
 
I tend to try to smile and laugh it off. Its hard to tell the difference between nastiness and banter, and I've reacted badly towards friends that were giving me a hard time in the name of banter.

I'd rather just get through it as quickly as possible and let it go.

It's all unimportant at the end of the day, even if it feels important at the time.
 
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