How do you know when someone is mistreating you?

[grommet]

I am confused. Someone in my life is acting in a way I cannot understand. Sometimes it feels good but sometimes it feels unkind, I cannot clearly see the pattern.

How do you know when someone is treating you badly?

I think I may have had this problem before. I remember years ago a man at a shop I used to go to, pulled me aside and very gently spoke to me, telling me that the front end clerk was being very rude to me. I had come to that shop for years and I never quite understood the man at the front. His face seemed friendly but he would say things that didn't seem right. When the man in the back tried to help me it left me with questions. The man spoke to me so gently I think he thought I was having trouble realizing the situation and really wanted to help me. I appreciate that. Still I was not sure about what was going on. I do think he was right, I thought about the details of my interactions with the front end man and some part of me started to realize he might not have been being nice to me.

If someone is clearly rude, or hits me, that kind of thing I recognize but it's harder if the actions are not that clear. Now I am having a situation with somebody and I cannot figure out the pattern.

 

[laurag9g9g9]

I am confused. Someone in my life is acting in a way I cannot understand. Sometimes it feels good but sometimes it feels unkind, I cannot clearly see the pattern.

How do you know when someone is treating you badly?

I think I may have had this problem before. I remember years ago a man at a shop I used to go to, pulled me aside and very gently spoke to me, telling me that the front end clerk was being very rude to me. I had come to that shop for years and I never quite understood the man at the front. His face seemed friendly but he would say things that didn't seem right. When the man in the back tried to help me it left me with questions. The man spoke to me so gently I think he thought I was having trouble realizing the situation and really wanted to help me. I appreciate that. Still I was not sure about what was going on. I do think he was right, I thought about the details of my interactions with the front end man and some part of me started to realize he might not have been being nice to me.

If someone is clearly rude, or hits me, that kind of thing I recognize but it's harder if the actions are not that clear. Now I am having a situation with somebody and I cannot figure out the pattern.

I have a lot of experience with mean people. In short, the first time you're feeling that doubt in your belly... just steer clear. Some people just have the wrong areas of their brain lighting up! Don't try to save them, change their mind out figure them out. Remain pleasant and indifferent. [emoji52]

 

[grommet]

I am thinking about what you said. I think it may be more complicated. I have mistreated people, I have been upset and said things I did not mean but I was hurtful. I think good people still do hurtful things. I think it is a different situation though when a person means to be hurtful to you most of the time. That is what I am .. it is complicated.

We are too .. people have too many factors, too many ways to be. I think it is hard to define them but sometimes you must. That is where I am now, trying to decide about someone, if they are a good thing in my life.

I understand people having meltdowns. I am aspie, I have aspie friends. Sometimes it is a wave that overwhelms us and in our reaction to the extreme situation we say and do things we wouldn't if we were calm. There are people though who only have bad things to say to you - they do not like you. Figuring out which a person is, is where I am now.

People are very interesting. I don't know of any other system that has so many possibilities and is capable of so many changes that to me, seem unpredictable. In quantum things have rules we do not understand yet but we can still find some predictability. We don't know why to particles will emulate each other but we know that they will and distance will not affect this (so far as we have tested).

People can be so nice and also awful. Some people are always bad and maybe most are like me, sometimes nice and sometimes regrettably, unkind. I don't understand my own feelings and that frustrates me.

Determining whether a person is good to have in your life is my question. I am trying to find markers. You mentioned having a feeling of doubt but I have misinterpreted situations before and also as I said I believe, people can have bad moments but not mean to continue treating you that way. How to know the truth of the matter?

I am leaning in your direction, that feeling I have. But I have one experience in my life that was most surprising. There was a fellow who for a year I saw several times a week and I believed he really hated me. He seemed to glare when he wasn't deliberately ignoring me. He would never speak to me. I started feeling pretty hostile towards him. One day he did speak to me in passing and his voice was quite soft and nice. He calmly mentioned something to me. He had not bad attitude about me at all, I had misinterpreted for a year. To be that wrong makes me pause now when I consider what other people mean to do.

So, I am wondering.

 

[peoplesrjames]

I'm going through something similar. My best friend and roommate says and does things to me that often feel weird, but I ignore them because he always tells me I'm like a brother to him. But when he says things to me in front of people they are always telling me that he's a jerk to me and I need to leave.

 

[Mia]

How do you know when someone is treating you badly?

It is perhaps a difficult question grommet, as I can only ascertain poor or rude treatment after it happens. It is in retrospect when I replay the minutes and decide whether I feel anything, whether it was happiness or sadness or anger? If I'm confused about an interaction, it's usually as a result of not enough information, or the person that I had the interaction with was not clear. If it's more that the interaction with the person has made me uncomfortable or anxious, it's likely that the person is not confusing me, but being derogatory in some fashion.

I've just posed this question to my spouse grommet, he also has this sort of difficulty. He becomes overwhelmed attempting to watch peoples facial cues and listening to the words they say at times, especially in rapid interchanges. He's just replied that what he has done in the past, is write down as soon as possible what transpired, so that he can read what happened, and look at the words to decide for himself what the interaction was. He has also recorded conversations as well, to replay them, so he can listen and understand them. He did this as I have during lectures, and it helped immensely.

 

[grommet]

It is perhaps a difficult question grommet, as I can only ascertain poor or rude treatment after it happens. It is in retrospect when I replay the minutes and decide whether I feel anything, whether it was happiness or sadness or anger? If I'm confused about an interaction, it's usually as a result of not enough information, or the person that I had the interaction with was not clear. If it's more that the interaction with the person has made me uncomfortable or anxious, it's likely that the person is not confusing me, but being derogatory in some fashion.

I've just posed this question to my spouse grommet, he also has this sort of difficulty. He becomes overwhelmed attempting to watch peoples facial cues and listening to the words they say at times, especially in rapid interchanges. He's just replied that what he has done in the past, is write down as soon as possible what transpired, so that he can read what happened, and look at the words to decide for himself what the interaction was. He has also recorded conversations as well, to replay them, so he can listen and understand them. He did this as I have during lectures, and it helped immensely.

Thank you, I think this is a very good strategy for me.

 

[laurag9g9g9]

I am thinking about what you said. I think it may be more complicated. I have mistreated people, I have been upset and said things I did not mean but I was hurtful. I think good people still do hurtful things. I think it is a different situation though when a person means to be hurtful to you most of the time. That is what I am .. it is complicated.

We are too .. people have too many factors, too many ways to be. I think it is hard to define them but sometimes you must. That is where I am now, trying to decide about someone, if they are a good thing in my life.

I understand people having meltdowns. I am aspie, I have aspie friends. Sometimes it is a wave that overwhelms us and in our reaction to the extreme situation we say and do things we wouldn't if we were calm. There are people though who only have bad things to say to you - they do not like you. Figuring out which a person is, is where I am now.

People are very interesting. I don't know of any other system that has so many possibilities and is capable of so many changes that to me, seem unpredictable. In quantum things have rules we do not understand yet but we can still find some predictability. We don't know why to particles will emulate each other but we know that they will and distance will not affect this (so far as we have tested).

People can be so nice and also awful. Some people are always bad and maybe most are like me, sometimes nice and sometimes regrettably, unkind. I don't understand my own feelings and that frustrates me.

Determining whether a person is good to have in your life is my question. I am trying to find markers. You mentioned having a feeling of doubt but I have misinterpreted situations before and also as I said I believe, people can have bad moments but not mean to continue treating you that way. How to know the truth of the matter?

I am leaning in your direction, that feeling I have. But I have one experience in my life that was most surprising. There was a fellow who for a year I saw several times a week and I believed he really hated me. He seemed to glare when he wasn't deliberately ignoring me. He would never speak to me. I started feeling pretty hostile towards him. One day he did speak to me in passing and his voice was quite soft and nice. He calmly mentioned something to me. He had not bad attitude about me at all, I had misinterpreted for a year. To be that wrong makes me pause now when I consider what other people mean to do.

So, I am wondering.

Ahhh. I see your point and understand. You've told me about two people who gently broke the silence with you... maybe you should try that when you're wondering about someone new. Maybe, find your own way to break the ice.

 

[Judge]

Do you mean something like passive-aggressive behavior? I suppose there's no guarantee that one may or may not behave consistently in such a manner. It's not something I read particularly well either, much like sarcasm at times.

 

[Kupu2]

I rarely do. It is only after the fact and when I witness the same thing happen to another can I contextualise the intent. I keep a safe distance from everyone but peel away layers with those I deem safe-ish. At the end of the day, it is how I interact with others that matters. It is a thing between me and my conscience; no one else. The best I can do is listen to my 'safe/unsafe' inner meter.