How do you know if you are sexually compatible with a less experienced person?

[JM33]

What do you mean by that though?

 

[Luca]

Sex is actually alot about communication. You really have to talk to your partner about it.

For starters I would suggest resisting a notion that "compatibility" is necessarily an issue just because one of you is more experienced than the other. With a distinct possibility that the more experienced partner is more capable to take the lead in that which you may either not be experienced in or have never done before. And that this in itself is not a bad thing at all. In essence, don't be afraid to experiment.

I've been on both sides of this issue. Quickly adapting to either being a patient teacher or a good learner. And above all to listen to your partner when they are open about discussing what they want and what they like.

If you are one who feels hampered by being inexperienced, always consider that we all have been there before.

And if anyone is simply waiting for some kind of "osmosis" to occur to change things, it ain't gonna happen. When you must be that conduit for change, especially if or when your partner is less experienced.

I'd almost be inclined to say that if a 'more experienced' person were to genuinely believe sexual compatibility has anything meaningful to do with levels of experience, they're probably not asking the right question.

Inexperience is the place you start, not a problem to resolve.

Just wanted to say that these three posts completely hit the nail on the head.

I will add that a lot of women don't really care about "losing our virginity" the way some men do, as it is more or less a social construct, and mostly rooted in religion... Women who desire sexual intimacy will usually seek it out with partners who will be respectful of consent, and patient. Most women will not be happy with rushed, painful sex or partners who are having sex with them to "lose their virginity" quickly or "deflower" them.
Best not to rush anything, because uncomfortable or traumatic sex not surprisingly (and rightfully) makes a lot of women lose interest in intimacy. Trust me, I have been there. I honestly regret ever having sex.

Intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship for a lot of people, and so should be approached compassionately. When she is ready, have a mature and empathetic discussion about intimacy and consent, and she will communicate to you what she needs.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Sex is actually alot about communication. You really have to talk to your partner about it.

A LOT. Yes. On the spectrum--any spectrum; ADHD, autism, asexuality--there is so much that couples have to talk about and discover so that each member is comfortable. It's definitely a learning experience.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Oh we are both autistic, sorry for not specifying. I guess she just kind of lays there and is very vanilla about it, not doing much. Where as I guess I normally like more passion if that makes sense?

Thank you for the replies and input everyone!

Some women have gotten messages that acting to enjoy their pleasure is something good girls don't do. That is sad. Does she enjoy foreplay? Does she enjoy being aroused to an orgasm orally or with toys? Maybe you need to reassure her that there is mutual pleasure in the enjoyment of her physical responses. Put your ego on hold and demonstrate to her that you are excited by her arousal and pleasure. Experience should come with the ability to communicate and support your partner in self discovery..

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

A LOT. Yes. On the spectrum--any spectrum; ADHD, autism, asexuality--there is so much that couples have to talk about and discover so that each member is comfortable. It's definitely a learning experience.

My spouse and I have found that as we age, our responses and abilities have changed. The ability to communicate after 45 years has allowed us to still enjoy sex as a great gift of intimacy.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

care about "losing our virginity" the way some men do

So right. For me, going through the isolation I felt, the thoughts about my virginity were that I was basically unlovable and not physically desirable. Being accepted sexually fundamentally changed my relationship with the world.

 

[JM33]

Just wanted to say that these three posts completely hit the nail on the head.

I will add that a lot of women don't really care about "losing our virginity" the way some men do, as it is more or less a social construct, and mostly rooted in religion... Women who desire sexual intimacy will usually seek it out with partners who will be respectful of consent, and patient. Most women will not be happy with rushed, painful sex or partners who are having sex with them to "lose their virginity" quickly or "deflower" them.
Best not to rush anything, because uncomfortable or traumatic sex not surprisingly (and rightfully) makes a lot of women lose interest in intimacy. Trust me, I have been there. I honestly regret ever having sex.

Intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship for a lot of people, and so should be approached compassionately. When she is ready, have a mature and empathetic discussion about intimacy and consent, and she will communicate to you what she needs.

Okay thank you very much! I just had this conversation with her recently. She said she is willing to do what I like in bed, if I am willing to do what she likes, which I am. However, a part of me makes her feel guilty that I am asking to do things that are shall we say, kinkier, than what she is normally into. But she says she is okay with that, if I have much more romantic and normal style sex for her.

But a part of me still feels guilty asking her to compromise, even if I am willing to, so should I still feel guilty therefore?

 

[Luca]

Okay thank you very much! I just had this conversation with her recently. She said she is willing to do what I like in bed, if I am willing to do what she likes, which I am. However, a part of me makes her feel guilty that I am asking to do things that are shall we say, kinkier, than what she is normally into. But she says she is okay with that, if I have much more romantic and normal style sex for her.

But a part of me still feels guilty asking her to compromise, even if I am willing to, so should I still feel guilty therefore?

You don’t have to feel guilty unless you truly feel that you are asking her to do something she isn’t comfortable with.
As long as she has expressed honestly that she is comfortable with compromising, and that it’s consensual, you should be fine.

 

[JM33]

She seems comfortable and consenting to it so far, it's just that I a wonder are sexually incompatible, if we are agreeing to do things that do not normally turn us on, to please the other person, even if comfortable, since comfortable still doesn't equate to turned on from it naturally in the moment?

 

[Luca]

She seems comfortable and consenting to it so far, it's just that I a wonder are sexually incompatible, if we are agreeing to do things that do not normally turn us on, to please the other person, even if comfortable, since comfortable still doesn't equate to turned on from it naturally in the moment?

I have no idea how to answer that since I don’t personally experience sexual attraction or get “turned on.” I have also had only negative sexual experiences.

Maybe another member with more experience with this can answer questions about being turned on.
Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful

 

[JM33]

Oh thank you very much for your input anyway! I am sorry you have only had negative experiences so far.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I honestly regret ever having sex.

I've felt this way at times, too. Maybe regret is too strong a word, but sex can seem pretty hollow very easily. Part of this is my fault, but I find few people really want intimacy and vulnerability, despite what they say.

As to the OP's question: I'd guess by sleeping with them. Which can begin with clear, honest conversations. The conversations will let you know if sex is a good idea, but the most likely way to know is by actually doing it.

 

[JM33]

Oh okay thank you very much. Well she said she feels that I sexualize her during sex and she does not like that but how do you have sex with a person and get turned on, if you cannot sexualize the person, if that makes sense?

 

[Hypnalis]

@JM33

If this is really a "kink vs vanilla" question, perhaps you should discuss it in other places as well.

I suppose people can stay together even if they both just put up with each others genuine preferences/needs.
But it's not ideal.

Of course there is room for, and usually a requirement for, compromises and accommodations.
But there are limits to these. If the gap is too big for one or both partner(s), there's a good chance it will cause ongoing low-level stress in the relationship.

Apply the obvious test. If 50% or 100% of your mutual encounters are one-sided (or "no-sided"), and you can't change that reasonably quickly as a couple, you need to either plan a future where that will always be the case, or a different future.

Remember that a typical medium-term objective of a long-term relationship is children, and children change "everything".
Any accommodation you make with a partner has to work after your first child is born.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Oh okay thank you very much. Well she said she feels that I sexualize her during sex and she does not like that but how do you have sex with a person and get turned on, if you cannot sexualize the person, if that makes sense?

Yeah, I don't really know what that means. You'd have to get her to explain more. Maybe she means there is not enough foreplay or something, but you could interpret her statement a lot of ways. I would ask her to help you understand. That might make things better between you, or show that you just have very different views of sex.

 

[Rodafina]

@JM33,
How is communication in other areas of your relationship? What is the quality of your relationship outside of sex? Very often, when a relationship is solid all around, communication about more difficult things like sex is improved.

 

[paloftoon]

If she just lays there, ask her to do specific things to you. Things that you like or think you'd like. Maybe watch some videos together and then try to emulate some of those things. As long as there is only effort and you're okay with that, and both of you are feeling pleasure, then it sounds good and very intimate.

 

[JM33]

If she just lays there, ask her to do specific things to you. Things that you like or think you'd like. Maybe watch some videos together and then try to emulate some of those things. As long as there is only effort and you're okay with that, and both of you are feeling pleasure, then it sounds good and very intimate.

Oh well she said before she not comfortable at the idea of watching videos and trying to emulate other people though.

 

[JM33]

@JM33,
How is communication in other areas of your relationship? What is the quality of your relationship outside of sex? Very often, when a relationship is solid all around, communication about more difficult things like sex is improved.

It's been really good. This was the only thing I thought was lacking.

 

[paloftoon]

Oh well she said before she not comfortable at the idea of watching videos and trying to emulate other people though.

Is it okay to watch videos on your own to learn from then?
Or maybe you can find a forum where they are comfortable telling you about things you can try that might interest you.