How do you grieve for a lost pet?

[Aspieistj]

I don't know if it is an Aspie thing, but I absolutely need pets. I had 2 cats and 1 dog until last Thursday when the dog died very suddenly. I always cry like a fool if moved to tears so the amount of crying I did wasn't new for me. However, I was close to hysterical at the vets' (first my own and then Cornell Companion Animal Hospital for critical care) and after euthanizing my dog I was pretty bad on the hour long drive home with my son. After dropping him at home I WAS hysterical while alone in my car during the 30 minute drive home. I did a lot of screaming in the car. I didn't stop crying until Monday. I slept for many hours at a time, woke and cried again, and went back to sleep. I was physically ill, stomach upset, diarrhea, confusion, twitching and trembling. I am a compulsive eater and I hardly ate for two days. Now, I am terribly depressed but have stopped crying unless I allow myself to begin grieving again. Do other Aspies react to a pet's death in this way?

 

[Mattymatt]

I don't know if it is an Aspie thing, but I absolutely need pets. I had 2 cats and 1 dog until last Thursday when the dog died very suddenly. I always cry like a fool if moved to tears so the amount of crying I did wasn't new for me. However, I was close to hysterical at the vets' (first my own and then Cornell Companion Animal Hospital for critical care) and after euthanizing my dog I was pretty bad on the hour long drive home with my son. After dropping him at home I WAS hysterical while alone in my car during the 30 minute drive home. I did a lot of screaming in the car. I didn't stop crying until Monday. I slept for many hours at a time, woke and cried again, and went back to sleep. I was physically ill, stomach upset, diarrhea, confusion, twitching and trembling. I am a compulsive eater and I hardly ate for two days. Now, I am terribly depressed but have stopped crying unless I allow myself to begin grieving again. Do other Aspies react to a pet's death in this way?

I'm sorry for the loss of your dog. Grieving for the loss of an animal differs from person to person, just as grieving for a human does. In some ways it may be harder for Aspies depending on how they deal with change and grief. I wouldn't get caught up on what society thinks is normal, you have to grieve in your own way. Pets become a part of your family and can even be "furry" kids. Pets leave paw prints on the heart

 

[Ylva]

Lost mine in May. I still cry.

Don't know whether it would work for you, but the way I get around my aversion to food in this regard is to think of eating as an action that is disconnected from my feelings.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't know if it is an Aspie thing, but I absolutely need pets. I had 2 cats and 1 dog until last Thursday when the dog died very suddenly. I always cry like a fool if moved to tears so the amount of crying I did wasn't new for me. However, I was close to hysterical at the vets' (first my own and then Cornell Companion Animal Hospital for critical care) and after euthanizing my dog I was pretty bad on the hour long drive home with my son. After dropping him at home I WAS hysterical while alone in my car during the 30 minute drive home. I did a lot of screaming in the car. I didn't stop crying until Monday. I slept for many hours at a time, woke and cried again, and went back to sleep. I was physically ill, stomach upset, diarrhea, confusion, twitching and trembling. I am a compulsive eater and I hardly ate for two days. Now, I am terribly depressed but have stopped crying unless I allow myself to begin grieving again. Do other Aspies react to a pet's death in this way?

I'm really feeling what you are going through. I don't know how I'm going to be when Waldo's gone. So much of my life centers around him (I don't even want to think about it). There's nothing wrong with anything you're doing - your feelings are your own. I tend to think that after a death the first year is the hardest because you have to experience any holidays or important dates without that special person or pet that you shared those times with before. For you to be so sad means that your pet had someone who really loved it - I would take some consolation in that. You're a great dog and cat mom!

 

[Ereth]

The horses I ride in my physical therapy program aren't mine, but I've always regarded them as family. I've cried for the ones that have died of old age, but my reactions to those losses aren't nearly as severe as the one I had when I was thirteen. (I guess it's because the other horses died peacefully.) My horse back then, Jordy, had to be put down because he got kicked into a paddock fence and the injury was too grave for him to survive. I was inconsolable for a while.

 

[Judge]

Do other Aspies react to a pet's death in this way?

Yes, this one does. I lost my little friend Molly in 2005. Nearly nine years later and I still don't know if I could go through that again.

 

[Mattymatt]

When I lost my kitty, Annabelle, I was a wreck for a long time. I was living and working in Arizona and hated my job. I couldn't understand why I kept getting thrown under the bus, blamed for mistakes, made certain my mistakes were amplified .... I could go on. After feeding her and changing to more comfortable clothes, Annabelle and I would sit on the couch. Something about me triggered her motherly instinct because she would groom my arm and leg hair and do it meticulously. I didn't exactly like the feeling at first but she looked wounded (I know, she's an animal, they don't really have facial expressions) when I tried to discourage it. Annabelle would literally groom me for an hour or so and then curl up on me and go to sleep. These were precious moments beyond description.

The fateful day happened when she chased a spider into an electric socket and was electrocuted. She wasn't killed immediately but I heard her scream and rushed her to the vet. The vet couldn't find anything wrong with her at the time. As the next days came and went, she seemed to wind down like an old tired clock-just sleeping more and more. Finally, I came home one day and she was laying on the tile floor, her sides heaving, in obvious distress. I rushed her to the vet again and they found that her heart had been damaged and she was barely alive. The vet advised me to put her to sleep. I was a volunteer EMT for a while so I understand suffering and grief and I followed the advice. I watched Annabelle stop breathing and her facial muscles relax. Even though this has been almost 3 years ago, I still cannot bring myself to get another cat because there'll most likely never be another one like her.

This kind of grief is neither specific to Aspies nor NTs, rather it is to the individual and the way the individual choses to grieve. I wouldn't try and put a label on it.

 

[Nitro]

I had a dog named Sparkplug or Sparky for short...he passed to the great dog pound in the sky about 30 years ago and after having him as my best friend,I could never have another dog so good to bond with again...now my pets are my fish and they are the new joy of my life...when the occasion for them to go to the big ocean arises,I send them with full military honor worthy of any sailor

 

[Grumpy Cat]

This reminds me of the conversation that my neighbor Mary and I had about 3 wks ago. I had said that when Waldo (Sweetness is his pet name ) is gone I have thought about whenever I get another kitty (the house would be way too lonely without a kitty) I might get another black and white male cat and name them Waldo II. I asked Mary if that was weird and she understood that it would be like having a memory of Waldo still there. I understand not with the same personality, but at the same time I might find it comforting not changing everything and getting a totally different kind of cat. I just have too much that is centered around him - his room is called The Waldo Room, he has a feeding tray that looks exactly like him, his name is tied into my last name (Where's Waldo) - just too many things. That's why I thought of carrying on the "Waldo" tradition with Waldo II. Has anyone else gotten a pet that resembled their first pet?

 

[Judge]

That's why I thought of carrying on the "Waldo" tradition with Waldo 2.0. Has anyone else gotten a pet that resembled their first pet?

Fixed it for ya.

I know my brother won't have anything but tabby cats. But differently named. His first one was "Spot". His present tabby is named "Max".

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Fixed it for ya.

I know my brother won't have anything but tabby cats. But differently named. His first one was "Spot". His present tabby is named "Max".

Waldo's actually on my a** right now wanting to get fed and meowing at the top of his lungs (probably saying he isn't about to check out anytime soon!)

 

[toothless]

react extremely badly to animal death,ended up kicking off in a vets surgery once after seeing blackie [cat] get put to sleep, and was dragged out by family.cant even look at threads about specific animals that have died;especialy animal abuse.

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

Actually,you asked this at a really good time for me, as my last dog died just yesterday (or the day before - but I found out about it yesterday).

When I lived at home, we had three dogs - Giz the Yorkie, Mac the Westie, and Lobo the Samoyed. Giz died about 6 years ago. 5 years ago, I left home (Wales) and moved to the USA. Earlier this year, Lobo died. Not long after that, I went home to visit for the first time, where Mac was the only surviving dog. Yesterday I got a message on Facebook from my father that he'd died the previous day.

The first thing that happened was that I cried. Not loudly, silently. And as I cried, I wrote a reply to my parents. I thanked them for telling me, and told them that, whilst I wasn't expecting it, I also wasn't particularly surprised. I told them that, by the time we spoke on the phone this Sunday (I always talk to them Sunday afternoon), I'd have processed it more and would be okay.

Then I told my wife what had happened. I told her that I was sad, and I was - I was crying, and speaking was difficult. But I verbally mapped out the whole process. I told her that I'd swing between 'not thinking about it' and 'mourning and being depressed' all week. Then, by Sunday, I'd feel as though I was over it altogether. Then I'd talk to my parents, and discussing it with them would give me new information (such as how did they find him, where, what did they do with him afterwards, what was the last thing he did, etc) that would open the old wounds, and I'd break down again. Then we'd reminisce, I'd be depressed for a while, and gradually I'd go on with my life. It was the same for Lobo, and even for my grandad, who died last year (I have a lot of guilt over that, but that's a different issue).

Basically, knowing ahead of time how I'm going to react helps me when it comes. Emotions are inevitable and uncontrollable - I won't be able to prevent breaking down when we discuss it - however, knowing about it in advance makes it easier, as it's more like going through the motions. It also helps that I went through a similar situation recently, with Lobo, so it's still relatively fresh.

The truth is, I'm more worried about my mother. Now, for the first time, she will come home from work, and I won't be there, dad won't be home yet, and now there won't be any noisy dogs to greet her and require walking and feeding, either. For the first time, she's going to be truly alone. She already had empty nest syndrome before - I'm worried that this will drive it home, hard.


Thanks for making this thread - I was going to make a similar one myself, actually, so the timing works really well. And don't get me wrong, I AM sad about Mac - he was there all through my adolescence - so I'm very sad, I've cried, and I will mourn and cry more, but being analytical and knowing why I'm emotional makes it easier to deal with. I try to deal with death in the best way I can.

 

[blue_bird]

One of my birds escaped from her cage on Monday. I'm sad but I haven't cried yet. I'm still trying to figure out how she got out, and it's still baffling me. It's really strange talking to and feeding the other birds, and realising she's not there anymore. I really do miss her and hope she's okay.

Becoming emotional is completely understandable in my opinion.

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

Just as an update to my previous post, weirdly, I haven't been depressed this week. I thought about it a bit for the first day or two, and promised I'd give myself a couple of dedicated grieving sessions (where I go to a dark room and get as miserable and despairing as I possibly can, to drain away the emotions), but I haven't felt the need to do so. I still haven't spoken to my parents, so that will be the point where I do most of my grieving. I've also been a bit busy this week, so I haven't really thought much about it. I'll keep you posted.

 

[clg114]

My wife and I have Chihuahuas. Our kids have long since left and have families of their own. These little dogs are our babies. Chihuahuas will pick one person as "their" person. I had a Chihuahua for 16 years before I lost him two years ago. I still miss him every day. As he got older, I tried to prepare myself for his passing. Not many things stress me out, but that sure did. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him.

 

[icesyckel]

In my own way, just as you should in yours!

 

[tree]

Even reading the subject of this thread makes my throat tight.
I am trying to focus on the meaning of it (how do you grieve for a lost pet), without
looking up the definition of 'grieve,' 'loss,' or 'pet.'
And without actually crying.

To focus my attention on the question, I will use an example from a game on Facebook.
"Criminal Case." I have solved 38 cases, all murders, in that game. None of the depictions
of human corpses affected me at all. Then Case 31 and upon seeing the dogs in the body bags,
I thought "This is not fair. This makes me sad. I don't like this. I feel angry."
(drawings, not photographs of real dogs.)

If you aren't familiar with this game, here is a link to what it looks like:
Dog Eat Dog - Criminal Case Wiki

The attempt to focus on the question was somewhat successful.
I was crying in the middle of the 2nd paragraph, but not seeing re-runs of various cats of mine
and the manner of their deaths.

One thing I have done to cope with the death of a cat with whom I shared a particular love was to
make a list of every situation in which I missed her terribly. Then to note the date when I experienced
a repeat of one of those situations. In this way, I could see that the instances became fewer.

Not every time that I opened a can in the kitchen did I look to see if she was coming, for instance.
But I still miss her.
And I don't mind at all that there are no people present to see that I am crying now.