How do you deal with people aging/dying?

[Horsegirl]

My Grandma is very old and not doing all that great. I went to see her yesterday, and she said that she wants to die. I know that she is old and may not have much longer left to live, but I wish she wouldn't wish away the rest of her life. I just don't really know how I should react. Or what I should say to her when she says she wants to die. Anybody have any ideas??? Any advice will be taken gratefully as I am kind of stuck.

 

[the_tortoise]

I'm sorry....anticipating the loss of loved ones, and/or seeing them in pan, those are very difficult to deal with.

In your place I might not say anything, just nod my head in acceptance.

Or I might ask her why she didn't want to live anymore, in an attempt to understand her feelings and perspective.

I think I would ask if there was anything I could do to make her life happier while she is still alive.

 

[Mr Allen]

Well 2 weeks tomorrow it'll be 2 years to the day since my Grandma died, but she had Dementia/Alzheimer's, so her passing was probably a blessing, plus she didn't die in pain, she passed on in her sleep.

I still cried buckets at the Funeral though, she and I were VERY close.

I was the same when my Granddad died in August 1997, cried buckets then as well, plus I was a bit down anyway because it was the same week as Princess Diana died.

 

[DCA]

Well my dad died a little I've 6mo ago, so this is recent history. He had a stroke some 11mo previous that left him mostly paralysed on his left side, so was completely unable to do anything without help (2-person assist according to the physical therapists). There were lots of times where he said he wished he had just died. Its hard to deal with when people say that. I know I had trouble responding to those statements. I felt that I should say something, but didn't know what to say? Finally I simply stopped trying.

When he died I felt more a relief than a sadness. This really concerned me. Shouldn't I have been more sad? I had similar reactions when both my grandparents died. I had to mask a little with grief, & really thought something was wrong with me. But according to my therapist people deal with grief differently. I still wonder if something is wrong with me, but at least I know that I am capable of expressing emotions thanks to some unrelated other events in my life...

 

[MrSpock]

I don't know what her quality of life is at the moment, or what her prospects are. It's hard to know how much of her wish is based on hard reality and how much is based on depression. If you feel that you're in a position to know that it is depression (and it's not an easy thing to know) you might try to get help for her with the depression, and possibly try to cheer her up.

Regardless, if you want to have any positive effect you need to keep her respect, and in order to do that you need to take her wishes seriously, and not dismiss them as being unreal or completely unjustified.

I don't know what your life experience has been like, but there are people whose quality of life makes life not worth living, and if there is no chance of improving it IMO ending the life is justified if that person wishes it. I accept that others don't think this way, but I don't think it's a productive thing to argue about with a person who wants that for themselves. If you feel a real need to have that discussion I suggest you do that with other concerned family members.

When he died I felt more a relief than a sadness. This really concerned me. Shouldn't I have been more sad?

My stepmother died less than a month ago. She had been in constant care for well over a year, and her quality of life was very poor. I too experienced relief as well as sadness, and wondered at the ratio, whether it was appropriate. My father is much more sad than relieved, but he too experienced some relief, I don't think that there's anything wrong with the relief.

 

[Gritches]

When he died I felt more a relief than a sadness. This really concerned me. Shouldn't I have been more sad?

It's hard to watch someone you care about suffer. Both of my grandparents died recently. In both cases, they had been going downhill for a long time. I knew they were in the last days/weeks/months of their life, so when they died it was more of a conclusion than a shock (which it would've been if they had died suddenly).

My point being: when you have a long time to process the grief (before they die) you're more prepared for it when they actually do pass away.

 

[MrSpock]

@Gritches I thank you.

 

[Tom]

Its natural for people to want to live and natural for others, with endless pain, great age, to be tired of the fight. If she was being unreasonable (like I have two mosquito bites - I want to die) there would be something to discuss, but when you see the reasons, there is nor much one can say. Just make the most of the time you have with them if you can, maybe try and distract them and watch something on TV, get them a treat (like ice cream). I had one grandmother who I visited every time I went home on leave from the miltary and each time she told me she thought the end was near and I'd hug her and say goodbye and wonder if I'd see her again... and so it went for 10 more years! . So you just never really know.

 

[Gracey]

You don’t have to do or say anything if you don’t want to.

My own granny used to tell me how tired she felt in her more lucid moments. It was both a physical tiredness and mentally weary.

At first I was a bit surprised because of what it meant for me (losing my granny)
The more I tried to see it from her perspective the easier it was to understand. 82 and most of her systems affected in some way - digestive, nervous, circulatory.
Alzheimer’s overwhelmed her in the end.
There wasn’t much I could do, I couldn’t fix her, only be there to help with whatever tasks she struggled with when I was able.
A very proud, formidable woman reduced to an almost childlike state. Can’t have been easy for her to accept that.

 

[onlything]

Living can be... very tiring. Especially for elder, sick people. When you're tired every day, sad every day, it's hard to want to stay and enjoy what's left. You can only accept her feelings without judging and be there for her. She's going to die and it must be hard for you but it's still a part of life. People come. People leave. You can only love them for as long as they're with you.

Spend time with her when you can. Visit her and call her. Tell her you love her. If you don't, you may regret it.

 

[pamelaperejil]

Badly.

 

[onlything]

I'm sorry....anticipating the loss of loved ones, and/or seeing them in pan, those are very difficult to deal with.

In your place I might not say anything, just nod my head in acceptance.

Or I might ask her why she didn't want to live anymore, in an attempt to understand her feelings and perspective.

I think I would ask if there was anything I could do to make her life happier while she is still alive.

One of the people I loved most said some time before her death that she would like to see the seaside at least once before she dies. I wasn't able to organise the travel in time. The regret is... still strong.

 

[BraidedPony]

Everyone has given great advice and suggestions. If you cant think of what to say, you could pat her hand gently.
You are only 13 years old and I wish you were not in a situation of having to think of how to react about something like this.
My mom is 89 and she makes comments about having lived long enough. I never know what to say because actually I agree with her, she HAS lived long enough, but don’t say so. She is healthy except for the Alzheimer’s.
Whoever takes her to doctor appointments could ask the doctor to see if she is depressed. Some seniors respond well to low doses of anti-depressants.

 

[tducey]

It hurts. In March I lost a close family friend. Here's some tips as to how a person with a disability can deal with death:

http://www.intellectualdisability.i...-better-people-with-intellectual-disabilities

 

[Suzanne]

I dealt with my grandpa's death in a bad way. I had to be medicated, because I could not sleep.

Then, year's later, I found out the reality of death or the truth about death and now, for me, I look so farward to seeing my grandparents again, because I have a hope of them being resurrected to this earth and also, believe that aging is a part of imperfection and thus, one day, it will reverse.

My faith, being one of Jehovah's Witnesses, is very dear to me and keeps me sane.

 

[Progster]

I will echo what others have already stated, that you need to listen to her and respect the way she feels and not try to change that, she has a right to her feelings. The best thing you can do IMO is be there for her, spend some time doing with with her such as reading something together, watching a show together, to give her some quality of life and distract her thoughts away from all the other things going on in her life.

 

[Bolletje]

It hurts, but it’s also an unavoidable part of life. Make the best of the time you have with your loved ones. And try to realize that while you might not be at peace with their departure from this world, they may have made their peace already.

When I worked in the hospital I often had a lot of long talks with family members of my terminally ill patients. The family members often wanted me to keep doing everything in my power to keep their loved ones alive. Which I understand. I want my loved ones to not be dead as well.
But at the same time, my patients were tired, in pain, done with fighting. What kind of doctor would I be to prolong a patient’s suffering when they explicitly state that they no longer wish to be treated? When they were at peace with the imminent end, so was I. I did my best to make them as comfortable as possible, of course, but I always respected their wishes.

I can honestly say that those talks, where I got to mediate the conversation with patients and their family members, and help the family see that the truly compassionate thing would be to respect the patient’s wishes, those were some of the most valuable experiences of my life. When everyone has made peace with the imminent end, people will still grieve. But you can choose to make the most of that time. You can say goodbye on your own terms. Meet people for the last time. Have a good glass of whatever your favorite drink is. Hug your pet. Stuff like that.

 

[Pats]

That might be her way of trying to let you know she's okay with dying and prepare you somewhat. After a certain age you do think of dying more because you know it's closer and it's coming. I also was a nurse and worked with geriatric patients. I've seen family keep insisting on treatments to keep them my patients alive while the patient's eyes are begging to let them be so they can go in peace. They're tired and they're ready. Just let her know you're there for her and that you love her.

 

[Pats]

Its natural for people to want to live and natural for others, with endless pain, great age, to be tired of the fight. If she was being unreasonable (like I have two mosquito bites - I want to die) there would be something to discuss, but when you see the reasons, there is nor much one can say. Just make the most of the time you have with them if you can, maybe try and distract them and watch something on TV, get them a treat (like ice cream). I had one grandmother who I visited every time I went home on leave from the miltary and each time she told me she thought the end was near and I'd hug her and say goodbye and wonder if I'd see her again... and so it went for 10 more years! . So you just never really know.

I always enjoy what you have to write. It IS good to discuss this with the person and then just do what you can to make it a little better for them. When 3 of my kids were going through terrible teenage years my mom and I practically became enemies because she was so critical and blamed me for anything and everything they did but at the same time tried to undo anything I would try to do - like if I grounded them she'd let them go places or she'd go get my daughter from school and not tell me. During that time she was diagnosed with a terminal illness and it made me angry because I knew at that time we were not going to fix our relationship. She was given weeks to months to live. Once my kids were grown and moved out she ended up with me and I took care of her. I was very open with her and when she seemed to be getting worse would ask her what she wants at this point. It felt like we basically spent 8 years waiting. I am thankful thought that she waited and we were able to fix our relationship. But my sisters were tired of leaving work and travel to come visit her thinking it was the end - they said it was getting embarrassing. Your comment on your grandmother made me think of that.

 

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

Aging and death are the way of life. I am 38 years old and I still feel like a teenage kid from inside.

The way I had been preparing for the future when I start aging is keeping away from what youths enjoy these days and sticking to all the fun stuff from my earlier days.

Being 38 years old, I had been into a lot of 80's pop music like Michael Jackson, Duran, Pet Shop Boys, Prince and a handful of 80's one hit wonders. This helps cope with me getting old, more that I listen to that music, the younger I feel and I keep a blind eye on how youths look and act today. I don't have kids, I thought that I'll take that advantage while I don't.

I am looking forward to turning 40 next year, I am even looking forward to see my hair turn silver and I hope it does by the time I am like 55 years old. Once I age, I like to see how I can be the coolest elderly gentleman around since finding happiness in being aged would be a great investment for the future and I like other people around me who feel down after not looking young want to look at me like if I am like a 65 year old version of Justin Bieber or something.

I have a real cool grandfather who is 88 years old, I always talk to my grandfather, this strips me way from the downside of aging and getting old.

Being middle age now, my best idea is to stick with people in my age group and the generation flow. We start aging after 1 second from we are born.

What I say to death is, "NOT TODAY". My destiny is to die as a happy man.