How do older autistic adults deal with social challenges?

[Judge]

I understand this. I have an agreement with my husband that he stays away from me at certain times of the day and for a specified period of time. At first this hurt his feelings, but once I explained it to him several thousand times he finally accepted that it had nothing to do with how I feel about him. He's a neurotypical.

Indeed, the first time NTs are likely to hear such a thing, their first impulse is most likely to take it personally. Requiring repeated pleas on our part for them not to take it as such. That the simple reality of the situation is that it's about us- not about them. And from a neurological perspective rather than a social- or personal one.

 

[Shamar]

I am confused by one thing ... this is probably my autistic brain not making sense the same way others do. You don't have the ability to have feelings toward another, but you desire to have feelings toward another? If you don't mind explaining this further .... it's not computing in my head.

I use this analogy a lot. A paraplegic will usually have the desire to walk like everyone else, but is physically unable to do so. Similarly, I have the desire to socialize, connect, bond, feel love like everyone else, but am unable to do so. The part of my brain that is supposed to deal with these things does not seem to be there. I see others together, having friendships, being in love, socializing, and want to experience the same thing. The best I can do is when someone takes a special interest in me, I get a transient relief from loneliness, which I believe is like these feelings I crave, but lasts only until I don't feel loneliness any more. Then the feeling goes away,

 

[Oldlady]

Indeed, the first time NTs are likely to hear such a thing, their first impulse is most likely to take it personally. Requiring repeated pleas on our part for them not to take it as such. That the simple reality of the situation is that it's about us- not about them. And from a neurological perspective rather than a social- or personal one.

Precisely.

 

[Oldlady]

I use this analogy a lot. A paraplegic will usually have the desire to walk like everyone else, but is physically unable to do so. Similarly, I have the desire to socialize, connect, bond, feel love like everyone else, but am unable to do so. The part of my brain that is supposed to deal with these things does not seem to be there. I see others together, having friendships, being in love, socializing, and want to experience the same thing. The best I can do is when someone takes a special interest in me, I get a transient relief from loneliness, which I believe is like these feelings I crave, but lasts only until I don't feel loneliness any more. Then the feeling goes away,

Ahhh... I had a similar feeling about being extroverted when I was young. It seemed that the extroverted, social types were having all the fun so I mimicked their behavior in order to experience the fun. You probably know how that worked out.

I'm wondering about pets for you. I have found having pets to be a wonderful way of alleviating loneliness.

 

[Shamar]

Ahhh... I had a similar feeling about being extroverted when I was young. It seemed that the extroverted, social types were having all the fun so I mimicked their behavior in order to experience the fun. You probably know how that worked out.

I'm wondering about pets for you. I have found having pets to be a wonderful way of alleviating loneliness.

Yes, I have a dog, Dingo, a shelter rescue. Appears to be a Carolina Wild Dog breed. I can feel an attachment to animals, but not humans.

When I was in college, I was a member of the sailing club/team. I got some respect for my skills on the water, but socially I was an observer rather than a participant. Whenever I tried to be a participant, it ended up between failure and disaster, but at least I was never set up to be humiliated like in high school.

 

[Judge]

Ahhh... I had a similar feeling about being extroverted when I was young. It seemed that the extroverted, social types were having all the fun so I mimicked their behavior in order to experience the fun. You probably know how that worked out.

I'm wondering about pets for you. I have found having pets to be a wonderful way of alleviating loneliness.

Interesting your bring up introversion. I was utterly unaware of being on the spectrum until I began to unravel this mystery around the age of 55. Until then, I thought who and what I was had been driven by two things:

First in being the product of growing up in a military family where one either "sinks or swims" socially. - I sank.

Second, I simply shrugged my shoulders and surmised that I was an introvert, and left it that. Masking much of the time just enough not to stick out. But never, ever having a feeling of social fulfillment. Though I was diagnosed with clinical depression and OCD back in the early 80s. Real "joy"has always eluded me.

Pets? After losing my beloved little Yorkie in 2005 I just haven't been able to bring myself to have another such pal who every day showed unconditional love to me. The loss of another pet would simply "break" me.

 

[Oldlady]

Yes, I have a dog, Dingo. Appears to be a Carolina Wild Dog breed. I can feel an attachment to animals, but not humans.

When I was in college, I was a member of the sailing club/team. I got some respect for my skills on the water, but socially I was an observer rather than a participant. Whenever I tried to be a participant, it ended up between failure and disaster, but at least I was never set up to be humiliated like in high school.

I have 3 dogs, 3 cats, and 2 ducks. I also sail, but came to it later in life. We started sailing in 2013 on a 24' San Yuan. Our first boat. Love it. That's me in the avatar going up the mast for the first time last year.

I wonder what you mean by failure and disaster?

 

[Oldlady]

Interesting your bring up introversion. I was utterly unaware of being on the spectrum until I began to unravel this mystery around the age of 55. Until then, I thought who and what I was had been driven by two things:

First in being the product of growing up in a military family where one either "sinks or swims" socially. - I sank.

Second, I simply shrugged my shoulders and surmised that I was an introvert, and left it that. Masking much of the time just enough not to stick out. But never, ever having a feeling of social fulfillment. Though I was diagnosed with clinical depression and OCD back in the early 80s. Real "joy"has always eluded me.

Pets? After losing my beloved little Yorkie in 2005 I just haven't been able to bring myself to have another such pal who ever day showed unconditional love to me. The loss of another pet would simply "break" me.

I always thought my oddness was a product of being shy, introverted, socially anxious, and disagreeable.

I am the opposite when it comes to pets. I must surround myself with them in order to deal with life in general. I look at their loss as inevitable (much too short a life span) and that at least they had the best life someone could give them while they were here.

 

[Judge]

I always thought my oddness was a product of being shy, introverted, socially anxious, and disagreeable.

I am the opposite when it comes to pets. I must surround myself with them in order to deal with life in general. I look at their loss as inevitable (much too short a life span) and that at least they had the best life someone could give them while they were here.

I still bond with my cousin's dog, a "Border-Jack". Though I only see either of them a few times a year.

 

[Shamar]

I have 3 dogs, 3 cats, and 2 ducks. I also sail, but came to it later in life. We started sailing in 2013 on a 24' San Yuan. Our first boat. Love it. That's me in the avatar going up the mast for the first time last year.

I wonder what you mean by failure and disaster?

It means the end result was not successful, or the end result was really bad/traumatic, or somewhere in between.

 

[Oldlady]

It means the end result was not successful, or the end result was really bad/traumatic, or somewhere in between.

Oh ... you mean the opposite of success and fortune (the antonyms of failure and disaster). That clears that up.

 

[interim]

Is it lonely or are you just fine without human intimacy?

Human intimacy is conditional and based on personal preferences. I don't seem to match the preferences of the others, so nobody asks me, nobody gives me intimacy, since I'm perceived as "lower quality". I just deal with this in the way I can. From my perspective, human intimacy is overrated, it's mostly lust and egoism... When you are not their target, when you can't play in the theatre with the "cool kids", you quickly realize what it's really all about...

 

[Oldlady]

I would hazard a guess that you may be the preference of someone who is not a 'cool kid'. Those types are far more interesting anyway.

I would also say that rather than being lower quality you are probably just different quality.

As for intimacy ... I think the need is hard-wired into all social animals whether we want it there or not. It's an evolutionary adaptation that has contributed to the survival of the species and it is not interested in individual success or happiness. I have chosen to try to work with the need rather than deny it's existence. It's not easy.

 

[china autie]

It may be that not yearning for intimacy is also evolutionary.

Here I am thinking of the religious types--shamans, medicine people, etc who focused on obtaining divine favor for the tribe.

I suppose some percentage partnered up and some didn't but I have zero citations or evidence to back up my supposes. I am basically guessing.

 

[interim]

I would agree with both visions - yes, intimacy is evolutionary, but evolution is random, so different things are developed to different extend in the individuals. Anyway, in many cases, it's just consequent of life. You can never say how these people actually felt.

I would also say that rather than being lower quality you are probably just different quality.

The problem of this statement, is that it's objective statement. The funny thing about life is that objective statements have no value, it's all about subjective views...

 

[Oldlady]

It is quite obviously a subjective statement.

"I would say ... blah, blah blah ..." is a statement about my subjective perspective.

In this case, the quality of the agent is, in my subjective opinion, different vs. lower.

 

[Oldlady]

It may be that not yearning for intimacy is also evolutionary.

Here I am thinking of the religious types--shamans, medicine people, etc who focused on obtaining divine favor for the tribe.

I suppose some percentage partnered up and some didn't but I have zero citations or evidence to back up my supposes. I am basically guessing.

I think this is a very insightful guess. I remember reading something exactly like what you have parsed out for yourself.

I am generalizing when I say that anything is hardwired because there are always exceptions.

 

[Otenba]

I'm in my 30s and still waiting assessment after about 21 months... I just wanted to say thank you for having this discussion. It's helped me feel less alone.

 

[Buckmeister69]

Im 34 and I still struggle to socialize I really want to make a great group of friends and maybe even meet a nice wife but I doubt that will happen unless she comes in the form of a computer lol
Some days I wish I could be someone else someone who can process normal things and do things like the men on anime with the lovely hair which I wish I could grow but until then Ill watch from a far while listening to George strait because all my exs live in ex is my favorite song even though I dont have any exs nevermind in Texas XD

 

[Aspychata]

My plan de jour in a soiree or anything else, is l decide if l am going to interact. l tried it recently and it was fine. If l feel apprehensive, l grade myself on how well l did. But l don't require myself to make friends. It's like robot mode, social interaction for dummies. But now that l am older, l don't care.