How do older autistic adults deal with social challenges?

[Oldlady]

I am 73 and was diagnosed at 62. Socially, my worst times were when I was in my late teens and early twenties. By the time I was thirty I had a lot more confidence in my self and that kept up as I got older. Now I have the confidence to talk to anyone. However I still have social problems. In a social setting with lots of people, I have a very hard time telling what anybody is saying. It sounds like a bunch of chickens clucking to me. If somebody talks to me while a TV or radio is on, I can not understand either one. I have been this way all of my life and my old ears are making it worse. So when we are in a social setting, I follow my NT wife around, smile and try to be as pleasant as I can. All in all, being a old Aspie is a lot better than being a young Aspie. That is how it is for me, but remember, we are all different.

I think being an old anything is better than being young. Although I do miss my more able body. Did your late diagnosis give you relief and/or concern?

The social settings you describe make me anxious and/or angry.

 

[Oldlady]

I'm retired, live alone and in relative isolation by choice. I answer to no one except God and the Internal Revenue Service. Consequently I'm very picky about social challenges. If I don't really need to deal with them, I won't bother. No harm, no foul. And on occasion, no prisoners.

Before that I gave up struggling with interacting with others some years ago, working in a self-employed capacity. Relying on my own strengths, without having to rely on other people for better or worse.

Is it lonely? I only ask because even though I have the same instincts of 'I don't need anyone' I have found that, in fact, I do need other people.

 

[Streetwise]

i'm much like @Judge but I get help financially I'd like to learn Macaton !as sign language seems to mean a little bit more to me !and I might be able to communicate easier !,i'm nearly 49 so my mental facilities aren't as sharp as they were in my 20s .
and I rely on the panic mode crying, shutting down ,avoiding. attending under sufferance .

 

[Oldlady]

I'm 61, diagnosed at 59. I cried every day on the school bus in first grade. Second grade was begging my mom to let me quit. I made a friend in 7th grade and my family moved to Virginia when I was in 9th. Never made a friend and quit in 10th. Moved around a lot, never making friends. It never bothered me all those years. Divorce brought me to NC and I got myself through nursing school in order to support my kids because I knew I would have no help. I worked at one hospital changing floors I worked on once for 15 years, and during the last 5 years finally made a friend. Otherwise co-workers just didn't like me, even though I did my work and minded my own business. I had church acquaintances, but it was kind of like the preacher - when I tried speaking to him he was looking over my head to see who else was there that he may want to talk to. I finally gave up and quit.
I think my peak social years would be in my 40's - when my kids were all grown and gone, I got remarried and moved to Ga and went into home health nursing. Found a very small church there and really enjoyed being with them. It was church, then after church we all went out to eat together. (there was about 20 at the most). But I still didn't have any one on one friends which I really wanted. But I would attend any social events - if one of them had a get together, or Christmas party. It's the only time I've ever been comfortable in a group and I don't know why. But I learned that my husband was a narcissist and I couldn't handle it. He'd just walk into the room and start yelling at me for no reason, at night he'd deliberately pull my hair to wake me up and pretend it was an accident and made it a point to never do things I wanted to do (completely opposite from when we were dating). ANyway, I left and moved back to NC and fixed my oldest son's basement garage into my apartment. I found a church here and I tried my best to make friends and be social and it was harder than I ever remember it being. Seems everything was getting harder (just leaving the house - even to go visit my kids). And I found myself in a situation that I ended up hiding from my own kids and their families trying to figure out my escape and that was when I realize there was, indeed something wrong with me. I mean I always knew I struggled with everything and I always felt like I didn't belong on this earth, but with my own kids - something is wrong with that picture. That's what led to the discovery of autism and soon followed with an official diagnosis. What an eye opener.
Things are seemingly harder as I've aged. Things I used to have a hard time doing but could get myself to do, is next to impossible any more.
(K, My daughter called and interrupted my train of thought).
Hello and welcome.

Hey. Seems like you just need to find the right sort of people. Those who can really accept you for yourself and appreciate what you are able to bring to the table. It is difficult, but I comfort myself by knowing that most people find relationships challenging and a lot of hard work.

It gets harder as we get older because we're more set in our ways and we are less motivated to try.

 

[Oldlady]

I suppose it all boils down to social interaction being a confusing blank. Verbal communications get garbled. I have no clue to body language, subtleties of spoken language, tone, double meanings, implied meanings. It all leads to social ostracism, loneliness, despair. I can understand some of these when they are clear and unambiguous. If someone tries to punch me, I assume he is angry. If someone is yelling at me, I assume I messed something up. If a girl sits on my lap and tries to suck my teeth out, I assume she is interested in getting to know me better.
In addition, I am an anthrophobe. I tend to panic in crowds or when surrounded by strangers. When flying I absolutely MUST have a window seat. Locking me in an airplane surrounded by strangers is like locking an arachnophobe in a tube full of spiders. A window seat means I can see openness and am only half surrounded. One full flight I had an aisle seat and almost went into a full screaming ballistic panic.
Another factor is that my autism has crippled my ability to bond with or have feelings toward another person. There is just nothing there. This does not diminish my desire for social interaction or to have feeling toward another person.

I am confused by one thing ... this is probably my autistic brain not making sense the same way others do. You don't have the ability to have feelings toward another, but you desire to have feelings toward another? If you don't mind explaining this further .... it's not computing in my head.

 

[Oldlady]

At 48 I can't say it's much easier than when I was first diagnosed. There is more awareness without doubt, but it's patchy.
For us to function without exhausting ourselves by constant masking in public, we need others to meet us halfway, and very few people are willing to do that. I've faked it all my life because if I hadn't I wouldn't be working.
These days I'm lucky to be married to a wonderful woman who understands my strengths and limitations which allows me to be myself when I'm with her. After a day of faking it at work I just don't have the emotional spoons left to continue to do it when I get home. She's enough for me.
I did recently start associating with an autistic social group which was quite pleasant until I discovered some disturbing information about the organisers which put me off attending. Until then it was quite refreshing to spend time with others like myself.

I too have married a person who allows me to be fully myself. And to boot, I was able to retire at 55 because he was willing to shoulder the entire financial burden. So I am a kept woman.

 

[Oldlady]

I discovered the computer. It literally saved me. It allowed me to create my own universe which actually makes sense. I think it's very important to have something that grounds you and keeps your general sanity, so unpleasant stuff looks more tolerable. I'm happy for people that found friends/partners, but for me it didn't work out, since there was no one I can trust. I trust only a machine that was created to serve you, not it's own interest.

Is it lonely or are you just fine without human intimacy?

 

[Oldlady]

My social anxiety isn't always visible. I'm outgoing, and I have polite manners. What happens inside is a combination of boredom, fears that I am avoiding or neglecting someone, and a lack of ability to join in with people who all know each other well. These all conflict with one another - trying to be a part of the group(s), but not seeing it as pleasant or fruitful. It's always awkward for me. I'm always self-conscious in a group of strangers. A new face gets attention because it is a new face. I know I should introduce myself to people, but rarely see the same friendly approach from others. It makes me feel I am intruding, but I get away with it and I only do it because it is socially polite. I also forget names in less than 5 seconds, and I rarely have anything cleaver to say to start a conversation. Luckily, I know that I can turn to anything that comes to mind if I need to fill dead air from a lame approach at small-talk. Still, I find it awkward.

Like many on the spectrum, I like to talk about distinctive topics of interest. If I am able to get involved in one of these topics, I tend to relax. I still find it hard to socialize with all the strangers at a party or event. It's the same situation all over again. I don't like not acknowledging people, and I end up nodding my head or saying "hi" to anyone I haven't formally met yet. It just feels awkward.

Professionally, I have no problem with meeting people. It's the nature of business that lends itself to the topic of conversation. Short pleasantries are just customary and don't last long. Sometimes, my natural honesty will cause me to answer the question "How's your day going?" in great detail. That's very much outside of normal chit-chat. I'm still unsure if that is a nervous reaction, or if I am taking the question seriously.

Growing up, I had bad marks in "socializing" when I was in Kindergarten. I had few close friendships, and I never had a "crowd" to hang out with. I know I always do best with people one-on-one. Crowds bother me if I have to interact, and I always gravitated to people I knew in a crowded event. I taught myself to not be self-conscious if I stood alone. This led to me observing culture, social rituals, friendships, and behaviors in the mainstream society. I learned what was expected, but I couldn't do it myself.

The social awkwardness that people on the spectrum feel can easily lead to habits that we have all seen in large group settings - even among extended families at holiday times. I prefer to hang out in the kitchen where there is activity, or help set the table - another activity. I prefer being useful. Knowing that guests of family members at a big family event can feel ignored because they are the outsider, I will step in and try to make them feel more included. That's because I know what it's like to feel socially inhibited. For all of my own social anxiety, I am an excellent host. Perhaps there is security when you are on your own turf, or at least on familiar turf.

I am also an excellent host, but it takes its toll and I only do it for those I care deeply about.

 

[Oldlady]

Just reading all these comments makes me all the more curious what it would be like for us to be able to get together in real life. I wonder if we would really like each other and if we would be kind and patience with each other like we want from others? I think I would like y'all. But we can pick up so much more about personalities in real life then on the keyboard.

Well... I think autistic people can be quite varied in their personalities and interests, so I suspect that some of us would enjoy each others company a lot and others less so.

 

[Oldlady]

So much on this thread that has resonated with me, and some of it makes me feel quite emotional.
Oldlady, I think I understand your feelings about ages. I am nearly 50, and also felt I was no longer young when past 40. I'm a bit afraid of being oever 50 as I also feel it is moving towards old age. I'm single, but had hoped I might have found a partner by now, but I feel I will become more invisible as I age. At the same time, I welcome more invisiblity in other ways.

I love the flow chart Nervous Rex, and I love the focus on being kind. My humour doesn't go down well with people I don't know either. But with close friends, I can be very funny and actually amuse people. I have a small circle of people who get me, and who I feel safe with. but I say very little to everyone else.

I think I possibly say less now that I'm older. In my twenties and thirties I just thought I was shy. I wasn't so aware of my limitations and the reactions I should come to expect. if I say anything too clever or funny, people think I am superior, and i'm trying to mock them. I suppose that's where kindness is useful. If you show by your actions that you are kind and supportive, then perhaps people take any faux pas with a pinch of salt. It's hard though, because at the same time, with age, I have grown more aware of when people are taking advantage of me, so I also feel I should hold back on the kindness sometimes

I didn't get together with my 'now husband' until I was 40 years old. Prior to him I had only two brief serious relationships (and a string of non-serious ones). It has been very hard work for us to make the relationship what it is and that is from both sides (atypical and typical), but we don't have to work as hard now. I am definitely the caretaker of the relationship, perhaps because I am a woman. My point here is that you can find a partner at any age, but it takes hard work and commitment to make any relationship work. The desire to put in that sort of effort tends to wan as we age and the knowledge that it will probably be you (the woman) who must manage the relationship can be daunting. However, I will put in a plug for partnership here, it is well worth it.

You don't have to become invisible as you age (unless you want to). I try to embrace my age, but also to stay healthy, competent, and attractive - for an old lady. I think it makes me confident and, therefore, appealing. I like the looks of older people who have taken care of themselves. I always have.

I am not knocking kindness, but I don't strive to be kind to everyone. I also don't strive to be nasty to everyone. I like to wait and reserve judgement on how I want to treat each individual based on their actions both toward me and toward others and especially toward animals.

 

[Oldlady]

Hi newcomer! (I feel strange calling you old lady, ir feels rude).I am in my 40's.

I am pretty new here too.
I learnt to be social, at least to "fake in til you make it" socialize through drama class and performance, as a young person.

I was a pretty distraught, withdrawn, depressed teen, but acting class saved me, as it gave me an "out" and taught me that I could pretend my way through life and thus learn how to be social.

I moved into a career in music as a vocalist and performance artist. I found I could function, socially, if the socializing was task focused. Eventually, I developed the skill of being able to speak publicly, on the microphone and thus, this increased my social ability. All of this learning was excruciating, I might add!

I also learn how to accept compliments, graciously.

It IS very tiring to.put on the mask, and eventually, I got very burnt out from excessive socializing and I have swung the orher way, but I am now confident that I CAN, if I need to. Which is HUGE!

I practise graciousness, politeness and minimalist communicating, unless it is a context that calls for more information from me.

I do a lot of therapy, just to keep me from excessively isolating, however, I do have a partner and children. Luckily, my partner is a kind and delightful Aspie and he is the person I want to spend time with, mostly.

I have, pretty much, given up trying to cultivate relationships with NT people, and find myself more comfortable with just a couple of Auties, as friends. It's the lack of forthright and upfront honesty, that I find unsettling, so I am just polite and friendly with them, with no expectation of more than what is being offered or asked of me.

Don't get me wrong, I WISH I could make NT friend's, it just hasn't worked out for me, so far. My daughters are, possibly, the closest I will get to NT friends (they are 25 and 17). But I really don't ask much of my girls, it's more of a me supporting them, in whatever way I can, kind of dynamic. They are loving and accepting of me though, which is precious beyond words.

I have pulled back from the extending-kindness-and-care to everone I meet level of social interation, as I just got too burnt out.

However this was also due to the fact that most of my life was filled with huge adversity, lack of care, abuse and betrayal from my significant other's. And because I was excessive in my non-discriminate caring and extending of myself for many years, coupled with the fact that I bore, and have raised 7 children, one with high needs autism and their father is most assuredly, ticking the majority of boxes, in Hare's Psychopath Check List. So I have PTSD, as a comorbidlity, to add to the social difficulties mix.
So, now, I, mostly, enjoy lots of solitude, and time with two other introverts (my son, 13,-and new partner of 8 years) and therapy and one of two other Aspie girlfriends.

Whew! You have been through a lot.

Don't concern yourself with calling me old lady. I'd like to embrace my old age and not feel as if it's something 'bad' or something I should feel ashamed about.

 

[Oldlady]

I am on the path of a formal diagnosis and the closer it gets to being confirmed as an aspie, I have this awful feeling it won't help a jot to feel ok with who I am! Which means, I do not deal with social situations. I feel awkward and utterly miserable and tortured. I jump if someone says something, because of the fear I cannot come out with an answer straight away, so my way of dealing is to not put myself in those situations anymore.

I see that I have tried for 49 year's to intergrate into society, with a lot of pain in my heart, from sadness, that it is my sort of "right" to say: no more thanks!

My philosophy is to force society to bend to my rules. It's not working all that well, but I refuse to give up!

 

[Oldlady]

I used alcohol for 40 years to help me socialise, I became addicted and that didn't help at all. For the past year, and foreseeable future, I have chosen to live alcohol free so, at 53, I'm a real beginner with regard to coping strategies for socialising. I am usually fine for about 30 minutes but then I can easily shut down if I sense there isn't a 'space' for me in the conversation and/or the topic is frivolous.Then, there's no coming back and it can take me a day to recover and lifelong dislike of the instigator of this reaction. Or, if it's mild I just wither with discomfort and boredom and feel I'm wasting my life. I do find I can really enjoy some people but these events are few and far between. Urgh. Makes me feel at a loss.

I have a similar reaction with certain groups. I have found that if I pick the group and make sure I'm actually interested in socializing at the time, then things usually go well.

 

[Oldlady]

I'm 49 and only fairly recently diagnosed. Socializing has been a challenge for me, lifelong. I couldn't read subtext or social cues, have a hard time recognizing faces and have auditory processing issues when there is a lot of noise. It was hardest as a teenager and I had such severe anxiety at trying to navigate people that I left school. Eventually I went to college and I made a concerted study of people and their social behaviors. I learned to mask and get along, but the masking is only so effective and I continued to have difficulties maintaining and making social relationships as an adult.

I have found that I do best in one to one or small gatherings if I have to socialize. I also have found that it can be very tiring to put on my public social persona and I need down time. I have learned to accept that I am a quirky introvert over the years and have a few friends who appreciate me and a husband who also needs a lot of down time away from people, so we are compatible. Finding out that I have Asperger's/ASD level 1 explained a LOT to me about my lifelong struggles. I was only identified in 2018 so I haven't had tons of experience since my diagnosis, but I can tell you it has done a LOT for my self acceptance. Now instead of fighting my neurology I work with it.

I dearly wish I would have been diagnosed sooner and had this understanding of how my brain works. I think it would have helped me to navigate life much more effectively. The more I understand and accept myself and feel comfortable being myself, the better it is. I will never be a social butterfly or like large loud parties, but I CAN live life on my terms now and not be ashamed to ask for clarification or to repeat something I haven't understood. As I slowly come out of the Aspie closet to those close to me, I can be open about my social challenges and reassure people I care for that I DO care deeply for them, even if I stink at the usual social gestures. I can ask for help when I need it. And I can feel like I am not alone.

This is exactly how I feel. Are you my long lost twin that was born 9 years after me?

 

[clg114]

I think being an old anything is better than being young. Although I do miss my more able body. Did your late diagnosis give you relief and/or concern?

The social settings you describe make me anxious and/or angry.

My late diagnosis gave me relief because it answered a lot of questions that I had about myself. I always knew that I was different than those around me, I just did not know how or why. How about you?

I agree with you about being old. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to have your twenty-five year old body and still know what you know now?

 

[Oldlady]

My late diagnosis gave me relief because it answered a lot of questions that I had about myself. I always knew that I was different than those around me, I just did not know how or why. How about you?

I agree with you about being old. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to have your twenty-five year old body and still know what you know now?

Same here.

YES! I think about that A LOT. You might say a bit obsessively. I was thinking that it might be related to the fact that I seem to believe that I should have 'known better' right from the cradle. Then I go down the rabbit hole of determinism vs. free will, what are we doing on this planet ... if anything, and why suffering ... what's it for?

 

[Laura O]

This is exactly how I feel. Are you my long lost twin that was born 9 years after me?

One of the amazing things about finally having a diagnosis and being identified is I'm discovering that I'm not some sort of isolated oddity...I'm pretty *normal* for an autistic woman who went undiagnosed most of her life. It's sort of a revelation finding other women who relate to me. I finally found my people.

 

[Oldlady]

One of the amazing things about finally having a diagnosis and being identified is I'm discovering that I'm not some sort of isolated oddity...I'm pretty *normal* for an autistic woman who went undiagnosed most of her life. It's sort of a revelation finding other women who relate to me. I finally found my people.

Yeah ... I'm only contextually odd.

 

[Judge]

Is it lonely? I only ask because even though I have the same instincts of 'I don't need anyone' I have found that, in fact, I do need other people.

I try to keep such considerations in their best perspective.

To always default to an understanding that my need for solitude well surpasses any occasional sense of loneliness I might have. That it's a matter of priorities. If I have to choose one over the other, loneliness will always come in second to solitude.

Of course the reality in this equation is that we all have different perceptions of how important one may be over the other.

 

[Oldlady]

I try to keep such considerations in their best perspective.

To always default to an understanding that my need for solitude well surpasses any occasional sense of loneliness I might have. That it's a matter of priorities. If I have to choose one over the other, loneliness will always come in second to solitude.

I understand this. I have an agreement with my husband that he stays away from me at certain times of the day and for a specified period of time. At first this hurt his feelings, but once I explained it to him several thousand times he finally accepted that it had nothing to do with how I feel about him. He's a neurotypical.