How do I deal with this?

[Owliet]

This week, my dad took a test to see how stressed he was. Turns out, he was high stressed and the doctor wants to run some physical tests. In his family, his brother has just survived a heart attack and has been diagnosed with a heart condition. His mother, my grandmother, also had a heart condition. My dad’s stresses are mostly because of my mother and also her health situation. He also has the additional stresses such as a work, aditional family issues etc. But all of this builds up without outlets to manage the stress levels, and he often handles stress with eating…anything. Naturally, it is a concerning situation that needs to be managed and we all should be supportive….in theory. Now, I dont know what is wrong with my mother, but it seems like she cannot manage understanding that other people have problems. I know that she is worried for my dad but she keeps saying that no one does anything for her, that she is also stressed, that she has a rare condition….In short, she is making it about herself. In addition, to her complete lies about no one helping to support her, which is really upsetting for me since I have pretty much done much to help her when she is ill, often without suppport from my sister or my father. When I pointed this out to her, that she was being unfair and that she has to accept that other people have problems too that need support and we should all suppport each other, she just kept saying that no one cares about her and that no one supports her. She did not even acknowledge all the support I have given to her over the years to help her when she has been very ill — she didn't think that was applicable. That has really upset me because it just means that nothing i do will ever be enough for her.

So, when she asked if i felt supported. I said no. I said to her that when I was newly diagnosed with ASD as a teenager and felt my life was over, that she treated me like i was mentally deficient and would mock and mimic everything I did. She said to me that it was her way of helping me so that I would know what that looked like. it’s only in recent years that she treats me like I am a person. And even then, I am debating if she is doing this because I have achieved things for her to boast about. I love my mom. I love my dad. I even love my sister. But I thought a family had to support each other and just because my dad has some problem at the moment, I dont understand why someone can be so utterly petty and childish. At first I thought she was taking it as a criticism against her, but now it is clear that it is because she is not getting enough attention. I worry now, that with her behavior that is passive aggressive and vindictive, that she will make things worse now and even more stressful. Like she tried to do last night.


I don't know if this is something that needs to be put in help and support but I don't really know where else to put it because whilst I am not upset, I am feeling like i am about to deal with a situation that will lead to something that will be upsetting, and I would like to know if there are any tips to deal with this. If there is anything that can be advised, because I think that I am just done.

 

[Gracey]

Let your parents be parents and parent you.
You're not the mum

Inform your dad that you're there if he needs help with anything and he only has to ask.

Inform mum that if she needs help with anything, just ask.

Unless you're a paid/voluntary carer, parents wellbeing is their responsibility, not yours. They're grown-ass adults.

Reads like you're starting to feel a little overwhelmed by being responsible for both mum and dad.
Let go of that responsibility and just help out when asked.

It may feel odd stopping yourself automatically assisting to begin with. It gets easier with practise.

Also ask mum to define what she means by 'being supported'
What would 'being supported' look like to her?
There's a difference between supporting her independence and 'mothering' her as if she was a child.
Good luck.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

This week, my dad took a test to see how stressed he was. Turns out, he was high stressed and the doctor wants to run some physical tests. In his family, his brother has just survived a heart attack and has been diagnosed with a heart condition. His mother, my grandmother, also had a heart condition. My dad’s stresses are mostly because of my mother and also her health situation. He also has the additional stresses such as a work, aditional family issues etc. But all of this builds up without outlets to manage the stress levels, and he often handles stress with eating…anything. Naturally, it is a concerning situation that needs to be managed and we all should be supportive….in theory. Now, I dont know what is wrong with my mother, but it seems like she cannot manage understanding that other people have problems. I know that she is worried for my dad but she keeps saying that no one does anything for her, that she is also stressed, that she has a rare condition….In short, she is making it about herself. In addition, to her complete lies about no one helping to support her, which is really upsetting for me since I have pretty much done much to help her when she is ill, often without suppport from my sister or my father. When I pointed this out to her, that she was being unfair and that she has to accept that other people have problems too that need support and we should all suppport each other, she just kept saying that no one cares about her and that no one supports her. She did not even acknowledge all the support I have given to her over the years to help her when she has been very ill — she didnt think that was applicable. That has really upset me because it just means that nothing i do will ever be enough for her.

So, when she asked if i felt supported. I said no. I said to her that when I was newly diagnosed with ASD as a teenager and felt my life was over, that she treated me like i was R******* and would mock and mimic everything I did. She said to me that it was her way of helping me so that I would know what that looked like. it’s only in recent years that she treats me like I am a person. And even then, I am debating if she is doing this because I have achieved things for her to boast about. I love my mom. I love my dad. I even love my sister. But I thought a family had to support each other and just because my dad has some problem at the moment, I dont understand why someone can be so utterly petty and childish. At first I thought she was taking it as a criticism against her, but now it is clear that it is because she is not getting enough attention. I worry now, that with her behavior that is passive aggressive and vindictive, that she will make things worse now and even more stressful. Like she tried to do last night.


I dont know if this is something that needs to be put in help and support but I dont really know where else to put it because whilst I am not upset, I am feeling like i am about to deal with a situation that will lead to something that will be upsetting, and I would like to know if there are any tips to deal with this. If there is anything that can be advised, because I think that I am just done.

At the hospital, we see this phenomenon quite often. It appears to be some form of narcissism and co-dependency type of psychology, and can be quite manipulative, and ultimately self-destructive. People literally die from this. They manipulate their family, often with guilt, and emotional outbursts, into focusing all their attention upon them, and then they get the people around them to almost become servants, much to their peril.

Examples we see, the morbidly obese, literally too large to physically take care of their needs, they can't even get up to the toilet, wipe themselves, bathe, feed themselves, yet, they have managed to manipulate people around them to be their servants. You don't get to be 500-1000lbs on your own, you have people feeding you to death.

Another example, the brittle diabetic, repeated admissions to the hospital, we are checking blood sugars and adjusting insulin several times a day, yet their blood sugars are bouncing all over the place. Why? Family is sneaking in sugary, sweet snacks and hiding the food all over the room, in the bed, under breasts, oh yeah. The family knows better, we've discussed it with them multiple times, yet this person has made it about them and manipulated this situation. The cardiac patient with severe heart failure, and the family is sneaking in salty, greasy fast food, french fries, fried chicken, hamburgers, you name it. Meanwhile, we are trying to diurese some 6-12 liters of excess fluid off their body before the patient dies.

Now, I am not going to suggest that these examples are what is happening right now, but when you make statements like you did above, I recognize the signs of a "slippery slope" where it could.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Owliet, I am sorry you are going through this and feeling so responsible for any outcome.

In an ideal world families should support each other, but it doesn’t always work that way.

Frequently the presence of autism in a child is more than a parent can handle well. I’m sorry that has been the case with your mother.

I second Gracey’s advice. Let your parents handle their own problems. Help out when you can, ie when it is something reasonable for you to be able to do.

and don’t forget to take care of yourself.

 

[Rodafina]

would mock and mimic everything I did. She said to me that it was her way of helping me so that I would know what that looked like. it’s

This is absurd. I partially don’t believe her, but if I do, there’s no reason in her approach. This sounds like a time when you were in desperate need of tender support and this is the opposite of that.

If you wanted to see what you looked like she could’ve used a video recorder. But besides that, knowing what you sounded and looked like would only be a cause to build confidence and self-esteem for being your authentic self.

I think mimicry and mockery together are cruel.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Sounds manipulative to me and I think you need to absence yourself from the situation as Gracey suggests. I had a mother that I describe as being an attention whore. I never felt supported and she, more than most, made me feel rejected. When I started dating, I went out once with the daughter of a family friend and she objected strenuously that being 5 years younger I was too old for her (she was 18 at the time). I was living at home at the time in between phases of my life, and this gave me the push to live independently.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

What if Mama is on the spectrum? Would you relate to her better? It sure sounds like she is.

All the feelings in your family are valid. Dad is stressed out. Brother had a heart attack, so family rallying around Dad, trying to prevent similar. Mom wishes people would come to her aid in a similar manner. You are feeling burnt out as a caregiver, as well as fragile from the way you were treated as a child.

A few universal truths:

Undiagnosed Autistic parents often give birth to autistic children. There was no Diagnosis of Autism back in the day. Just society calling children good or bad based on outward behaviors. Older, undiagnosed autistic parents find it difficult to manage the emotional ups and downs of their children. Because they cannot even manage (let alone - recognize) their own. This can make children feel very alone and vulnerable. Which causes children to act out, which overwhelms the parents. It's a cycle.

No one is perfect.

Every feeling is valid.

It hurts when someone doesn't recognize your feelings and needs.

You only get one family. And one day, they'll all be gone.

Caregivers need respite to recharge. This includes single parents all the way up to adult children performing elder care.

Adult children should help with the care of their aging parents and grandparents.

Aging parents are going to behave in frustrating and confusing ways.

Never let the sun go down on an argument.

We all could do with a little therapy and a whole lotta God.

 

[Au Naturel]

Daily stress is one of those things that is under your control. Most people don't believe this. They don't want to let go of the things that are stressing them. A good therapist will walk a patient down that road.

Anything that causes blood pressure to increase while constricting arteries risks breaking off a clot, and there is a chance it will lodge somewhere important. That is exactly what stress does. If it is the coronary artery, you have a heart attack. If it is a cerebral artery you have a stroke. In your lung, it is called a pulmonary embolism. If it is your leg, you have a deep vein thrombosis.

There is a genetic component to heart disease. And obviously, age is a factor.

There are many things one can do to reduce the chance of a heart attack. Diet, don't smoke, stress reduction, and exercise are your front-line defenses. So are statins to reduce cholesterol production (Your body produces far more cholesterol than you eat.) blood pressure meds, and diuretics. It may also include anti-inflammatories, anti-coagulants, psychological therapy, and treatments for aggravating conditions like anxiety, obesity, and diabetes.

Still, you do everything right and have a heart attack at 30 and do everything wrong and live to 90. Combination of genes and dumb luck. All you can do is shift the odds.

My father-in-law was killing himself with stress. He was the archetype of a hard-driving drill sergeant, which is what he did in WWII. Then he had a heart attack at 50-something. Went into psychotherapy and came out a totally different man. He had to surrender a large portion of his identity and reinvent himself. Lived to 87.

Panic and anxiety attacks are not so easy to control. I've had maybe 2 or 3 three of those in my entire life. It doesn't sound like that's the situation, though.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

The kind of things your mum says sounds very much like depression to me. Im not a doctor, It could be narcisim or manipulation... But If she has not been that self-centered all her life it could be depression.

Best of luck, family stuff is complex enougth when people do care of themselves... When they dont care of themselves it may turn into a nigthmare.

Remember to take care if yourself first, then go help others.