How did you meet your significant other?

[Magna]

But then is it better to be with your best friend or somebody you are attracted to and hope the other works out? This is the 64,000 dollar question. Maybe you can start that post. Lol

Good point. I think most people, myself included, don't have a narrow and extremely specific ideal of what physical attraction is to them. One person may be physically attractive to someone in some ways but another person may be physically attractive in different ways to that same person. However, I think it's fair to say also that most people also may not be physically attracted in any way to certain people and that's ok.

 

[Aspychata]

Good point. I think most people, myself included, don't have a narrow and extremely specific ideal of what physical attraction is to them. One person may be physically attractive to someone in some ways but another person may be physically attractive in different ways to that same person. However, I think it's fair to say also that most people also may not be physically attracted in any way to certain people and that's ok.

When you meet someone that checks all the boxes you can think of, I can't think of anything better. I redid this because the one l like has a lot of life experiences that give him character and pizzazz and even a rawness that l like. You can't just go and find that, it's layers of life that sculpted him and his beliefs, outlooks, and it's just perfect.

 

[Aspychata]

I have had a few relationships over the years, up to 4 years with a couple of people, or briefer with several, mainly until my early 40s, but either I didn't feel valued enough or they didn't seem to want me! I was always the one who called it off first, but really I needed to do plenty of therapy and self development before I could fully be up to a relationship. I was insecure, affected by childhood difficulties, unknowingly ASD 1.

In later life and with much learning, self development, therapy, Cocounselling, and subsequently training as a counsellor and therapist, I am more open and secure, and have a happy relationship with my partner. We are both older and wiser I guess. Together several years and marrying in September.

We are very different, but have some common interests, including psychology and self development, gardening and nature, walking and keeping healthy, reading, watching fantasy and crime and action films, pets, food, the seaside and swimming, etc. They are practical and competent, high energy and motivated, I am easygoing and playful, not too practical, rather clumsy, enjoy writing and crafts and er daydreaming.

I had to learn a heck of a lot to be able to do this, and probably I am more secure than my partner, but it works because I don't get reactive to them getting stressed with me. Well, mostly. And usually not a lot, though we do argue sometimes if we're both a bit stressed.

Congrats on your happiness and upcoming nuptials. May both of you live a very long time in good health and share life to the utmost.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

But then is it better to be with your best friend or somebody you are attracted to and hope the other works out?

Being friends first certainly helped me. We became friends in the months before meeting IRL, so I was prepared to think the best of her. Our meeting and trip solidified things. Of course being inexperienced, the potential effect on our friendship when I asked her to make love terrified me and she calmed me by explaining that it was taking that friendship to a new level. Her patience, acceptance and empathy was so very important in my desire for her and my expression of love towards her.

 

[Jordy]

I met her when i was 22 in the train, she asked me if she could sit next to me, then we chatted a little bit and ended up connecting with each other really well. After that i messaged with her for a month since she didn't actually life near me. I met up with her again, we walked around in a park for while and ended up making out. For a year i came visiting her every weekend, but eventually i got my own place and we moved in together. 5 years later we got married.

Actually i have no idea how people really meet and get into romantic relationships, i just think of some movie like scenario.

 

[Thinx]

I met her when i was 22 in the train, she asked me if she could sit next to me, then we chatted a little bit and ended up connecting with each other really well. After that i messaged with her for a month since she didn't actually life near me. I met up with her again, we walked around in a park for while and ended up making out. For a year i came visiting her every weekend, but eventually i got my own place and we moved in together. 5 years later we got married.

Actually i have no idea how people really meet and get into romantic relationships, i just think of some movie like scenario.

Oh wow I thought you were much younger than this! So you are in education as a mature student? That sounds like such a happy and straightforward way you got together. Great to hear your story.

Oops just read your last line. Had me fooled!

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

i met mine at an adult program over Iron Man & Transformers.the person who set us up with each other named the date 9/15/012 as the date we first met.the reason why was because i can't remember the actual date we met each other on.fast forward to today,i try to forget about her,while hopelessly being stuck & trapped in the single life with very little hope of being found by anyone,because of how i visuallly appear to women upon eye contact,while they walk away from me,because of it & it's entirely their fault,as women like that are the main reason why aspies like myself are unable to be found a girlfriend,while ending up full of hatred & anger towards them for it,also entirely their fault...TO THE EXTREME,AS WELL AS THE END .

 

[Callistemon]

It does take out an element of chance (ie not being compatible on like-mindedness, beliefs, etc) but it leaves the physical attraction factor to chance. Both are important. While physical attraction is most certainly not THE only important factor to a relationship for most people, it's important to most people. After all, people we're compatible with and get along well with in our lives that we're not physically attracted to are generally considered...friends. No?

@Callistemon: To be clear, I really like your idea and I'm not criticizing it. Your idea addresses the fundamental and lasting cornerstones of a relationship, the compatibility quotient. It would scare me in a way however because physical attraction also has to be there for me. It would scare me in the same way a dating site based solely on seeing photos of the person alone as a basis for meeting them but not knowing a single thing about them would (if such a site existed). I had an experience in college where I knew a girl who was a very nice friend and I valued our friendship. However, she wanted more than a platonic friendship with me and made that known to me. I had absolutely positively zero physical attraction to her and just wanted to be friends. I picture a situation where she and I would have hit it off in an online friendship without knowing each other's identify, agree that we were compatible and then finally in the end see each other for the first time. My feeling (or lack thereof) would have been the same as it was back in college. "Let's be friends."

Here's how it goes. You meet someone you are compatible with and who you know is solid friendship material, and you spend time with them as friends. Then you are mutually sexually attracted or not attracted, at some point down the road (and sexual attraction does not have to be an instant thing either). If you are not sexually attracted, you have gained a friend. If you are sexually attracted you have something more. I don't see the problem - and it wasn't one. Should you end up with a one-sided attraction, as adults you can deal with that. Honesty and good communication from the start is the key.

The sexual attraction part is the least of those problems and far easier than looking for actual compatibility after the fact - having done this both ways. If you like a person of your preferred gender and aren't put off by the way they look or smell or some other such thing, and you spend a lot of time with them, biology more often than not will do its thing. And anyway - the brain is the biggest sexual organ! It's not just appearance or some sort of physical chemistry, which by the way to me often seems to be more about the childhood sexual script you picked up than anything to do with pheromones etc etc. For more discussion on that, see the link under my original post here.

You're never obligated to go further with a compatible person you're not attracted to in other ways. If that doesn't work, try again with another person, etc. Statistically I would say the chances of being sexually attracted to an otherwise highly compatible person are far greater than the chances of being highly compatible with any old person you're sexually attracted to. Especially if you're not a mainstream type person, but an unusual individual.

 

[Callistemon]

But then is it better to be with your best friend or somebody you are attracted to and hope the other works out? This is the 64,000 dollar question.

Are you seeing that as an either-or thing? It's possible to be both best friends and sexually attracted. In my experience, the sexual attraction wasn't lessened by the friendship, but deepened, and isn't this fraught thing it often is when you're in a relationship with a person you were just physically attracted to, or you got sexually drawn to as a result of dysfunctional childhood sexual scripts. Sound and fury does not joy, pleasure and true multi-level intimacy make.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Here's how it goes. You meet someone you are compatible with and who you know is solid friendship material, and you spend time with them as friends. Then you are mutually sexually attracted or not attracted, at some point down the road (and sexual attraction does not have to be an instant thing either). If you are not sexually attracted, you have gained a friend. If you are sexually attracted you have something more. I don't see the problem - and it wasn't one. Should you end up with a one-sided attraction, as adults you can deal with that. Honesty and good communication from the start is the key.

The sexual attraction part is the least of those problems and far easier than looking for actual compatibility after the fact - having done this both ways. If you like a person of your preferred gender and aren't put off by the way they look or smell or some other such thing, and you spend a lot of time with them, biology more often than not will do its thing. And anyway - the brain is the biggest sexual organ! It's not just appearance or some sort of physical chemistry, which by the way to me often seems to be more about the childhood sexual script you picked up than anything to do with pheromones etc etc. For more discussion on that, see the link under my original post here.

You're never obligated to go further with a compatible person you're not attracted to in other ways. If that doesn't work, try again with another person, etc. Statistically I would say the chances of being sexually attracted to an otherwise highly compatible person are far greater than the chances of being highly compatible with any old person you're sexually attracted to. Especially if you're not a mainstream type person, but an unusual individual.

And It's a WIN - WIN for all involved. Having a group of friends increases the possibility of having a good friend looking out for a compatible woman for you, and you do know that they will never introduce you to somebody who will be possessive and selfish.

 

[Aspychata]

Are you seeing that as an either-or thing? It's possible to be both best friends and sexually attracted. In my experience, the sexual attraction wasn't lessened by the friendship, but deepened, and isn't this fraught thing it often is when you're in a relationship with a person you were just physically attracted to, or you got sexually drawn to as a result of dysfunctional childhood sexual scripts. Sound and fury does not joy, pleasure and true multi-level intimacy make.

I actually was good friends with a person but when we tried to do more, we couldn't, because we liked each other as friends too much. Funny. This is a true story.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Are you seeing that as an either-or thing? It's possible to be both best friends and sexually attracted. In my experience, the sexual attraction wasn't lessened by the friendship, but deepened, and isn't this fraught thing it often is when you're in a relationship with a person you were just physically attracted to, or you got sexually drawn to as a result of dysfunctional childhood sexual scripts. Sound and fury does not joy, pleasure and true multi-level intimacy make.

DAMN! You hit it out of the park! A Grand Slam. That is the best way, being friends first. Before meeting the woman who would be my spouse I was not open to letting anybody through my physical and psychological boundaries. Multi-level intimacy is breathtakingly good. And the thing about it is that sex only augments the things that you find entrancing about your partner.

Stephen Sondheim expressed it so well in Company. I was lucky to see Peters play Mama Rose in Gypsy. She has incredible stage presence.

 

[Jordy]

Oh wow I thought you were much younger than this! So you are in education as a mature student? That sounds like such a happy and straightforward way you got together. Great to hear your story.

Oops just read your last line. Had me fooled!

A week ago some girl asked me very nicely if she could sit next to me on the train. Naturally, being as lonely as i am i let my imagination go wild for a bit. I feel like a straight creep for even doing this.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I feel like a straight creep for even doing this.

No, you are NOT. that is a common pattern with inexperienced shy guys. That was me.
Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women | www.succeedsocially.com

 

[Jordy]

No, you are NOT. that is a common pattern with inexperienced shy guys. That was me.
Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women | www.succeedsocially.com

That article is trying to sell me a book, which i suspect they market as the solution to all my social problems. Also i don't want to self identify with a trope.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

That article is trying to sell me a book, which i suspect they market as the solution to all my social problems. Also i don't want to self identify with a trope.

Understandable. Yet in some of his observations I saw my thoughts and behavior. Things that I had to remember to do CPT for my PTSD: the dead past, now. I looked upon self help books back in '75 as the only way forward for me. While I found them not sufficient, they were necessary.

 

[Thinx]

A week ago some girl asked me very nicely if she could sit next to me on the train. Naturally, being as lonely as i am i let my imagination go wild for a bit. I feel like a straight creep for even doing this.

Well as Dire Straits put it:

Well it's a strange old game and you learn it slow
One step forward and it's back you go
You're standing on the throttle
You're standing on the brakes
One step forward til you make a mistake

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville slugger baby
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all

You gotta know happy, you gotta know glad
Cos you're gonna know lonely
And you're gonna know bad
When you're rippin' and a ridin' and you're coming on strong
You start a slippin' and a slidin' and it all goes wrong because

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville slugger baby
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all

 

[Callistemon]

Well as Dire Straits put it:

Well it's a strange old game and you learn it slow
One step forward and it's back you go
You're standing on the throttle
You're standing on the brakes
One step forward til you make a mistake

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville slugger baby
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all

You gotta know happy, you gotta know glad
Cos you're gonna know lonely
And you're gonna know bad
When you're rippin' and a ridin' and you're coming on strong
You start a slippin' and a slidin' and it all goes wrong because

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville slugger baby
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all

Very nice!

Of course, now I have to present another set of lyrics, for the comedic contrast with Mark Knopfler's laconic take on the subject. Here's Robert Smith's uber-dark poetry on love and life gone wrong, but I'll do it in a spoiler so I don't derail this thread.

Spoiler

DISINTEGRATION

Oh I miss the kiss of treachery
The shameless kiss of vanity
The soft and the black and the velvety
Up tight against the side of me
And mouth and eyes and heart all bleed
And run in thickening streams of greed
As bit by bit it starts the need
To just let go
My party piece


Oh I miss the kiss of treachery
The aching kiss before I feed
The stench of a love for a younger meat
And the sound that it makes
When it cuts in deep
The holding up on bended knees
The addiction of duplicities
As bit by bit it starts the need
To just let go
My party piece


But I never said I would stay to the end
So I leave you with babies and hoping for frequency
Screaming like this in the hope of the secrecy
Screaming me over and over and over
I leave you with photographs
Pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet and
Stains on the scenery
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both us knew
How the ending would be…


So it’s all come back round to breaking apart again
Breaking apart like I’m made up of glass again
Making it up behind my back again
Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
Holding it up behind my head again
Cut in deep to the heart of the bone again
Round and round and round
And it’s coming apart again
Over and over and over


Now that I know that I’m breaking to pieces
I’ll pull out my heart
And I’ll feed it to anyone
Crying for sympathy
Crocodiles cry for the love of the crowd
And the three cheers from everyone
Dropping through sky
Through the glass of the roof
Through the roof of your mouth
Through the mouth of your eye
Through the eye of the needle
It’s easier for me to get closer to heaven
Than ever feel whole again


I never said I would stay to the end
I knew I would leave you with babies and everything
Screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
Screaming me over and over and over
I leave you with photographs
Pictures of trickery
Stains on the carpet and
Stains on the memory
Songs about happiness murmured in dreams
When we both of us knew
How the end always is


How the end always is…

And by the way, just wanted to point out that the writer of these lyrics has been married for over 30 years to a person he met in high school when they were teenagers...

 

[Atrapa Almas]

So I had just finished my studies and was looking for a job. I found no opportunities at my small town so I was moving to Madrid to check some vacants.

At that point I wanted some social interaction but I did not meet people on Madrid, so I signed in an online international comunity to be able to have some friendly talk. Internet was easier those days.

Finally I never moved to Madrid, a job opportunity knocked my door in my own town. But I keep talking with those nice guys I have met from Mexico. One of those Mexican nice guys was my wife.

After chatting for some time with her (it was messenger at those times), I realized that I enjoyed more my online time with her than my real live time with my "friends" groups. So I used my vacations to travel to Mexico and meet her. The next year she used her vacations to come to Spain at spend some time with me.

And by the next year we were living together.

 

[Callistemon]

Multi-level intimacy is breathtakingly good. And the thing about it is that sex only augments the things that you find entrancing about your partner.

I saw a nice saying once. Love makes sex more important, and less important.