How did you meet your significant other?

[Gerald Wilgus]

On an earlier thread I mentioned that while hard for us with ASD, frequently we had to make our own luck, and that effort sometimes yielded a relationship and marriage. So, here is a question for those that took a different path from enjoying being alone: How did you meet your significant other?

• What was life like before you met?
• How did you meet in real life and how did you cement the bond?
• How was life for you afterward?

Have at it people, and I'll contribute after dishes.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Looks like I go first. It was the spring of my 28th year. It was 8 months since a relationship broke up and I only dated once since, and I was still a virgin and a bit anxious about that, but generally I was enjoying things by myself living alone or doing things with a good acquaintance. Having some success in my research, and learning new skills like Nordic skiing was building my confidence. I hoped that I could meet a woman who enjoyed the outdoors as much as I. And then the Sierra Club annual outings issue came out.

I still didn't have a lot of money and I picked an inexpensive trail maintenance trip and saw that a detour into Illinois to collect fossils at Pit 11 was doable. So I registered. A couple of months before the trip, the leader sent out a roster of participants and suggested that we car pool. I saw somebody from Chicago near where I will be. So, I decided to call her. She has a wonderful phone voice and I was intrigued when she was open to driving down together. I found that she was a beginner at backpacking. I was in my element and as we planned logistics we would call each other to talk gear and training too. Time for the trip and I got to Pit 11 and spent a day collecting, then the sky opened up and turned the old strip mine into a festival of mud. I showed up at her door dirty and looking like a drowned rat in my Mickey Mouse wife beater. I later found that she thought me harmless. When I saw her I thought, so svelt, and tall. Had dinner, went over gear, planned when we would start, and turned in. I slept on the couch.

The next morning and we started out on an intense 4 day road trip. Problems cropped up, we spent a day at Mammoth Cave, I ended picking ticks off of her and we finally ended up in Cades Cove. By then we had fun together and that day i saw pretty obviously that she enjoyed being with me and I was falling for her. Circumstance had us sharing my tent and that night, after doing night sky photography we turned in, in separate sleeping bags. And while I was still very anxious about my inexperience, I asked her if she would like to make love. My mind froze and I did not hear her yes, I was feeling so awkward but she calmed me and made sure that I knew I was accepted. We had a great night. I was struck by lightning that a woman would accept me sexually.

Then we did trail maintenance and afterward had a couple of days backpacking. I learned that she liked my interest in the natural world and I liked that she enjoyed salamanders and snakes. Once I dropped her back in Chicago and I went home to Detroit, the next day I called her to thank her for a nice trip and we made plans to date. I liked her values and that she was enthusiastic about outdoor activities and I was positive that I would not want to let her get away. Meanwhile my confidence in our relationship was such that in 6 months I moved in with her and found work. We continued to have adventures and I learned a bit about how to support her emotionally. I came to learn of her social anxiety and the fact that she felt me desirable because I was the first man to care about how she felt both in and out of bed. Our feelings for each other remained strong and we were married five months after my move, in the courthouse.

 

[Aspychata]

Wow. Nice story. Oh dear. I am still chasing the autistic guy but he chooses freedom.

It's hard but l need to face the truth.

 

[Thinx]

I have had a few relationships over the years, up to 4 years with a couple of people, or briefer with several, mainly until my early 40s, but either I didn't feel valued enough or they didn't seem to want me! I was always the one who called it off first, but really I needed to do plenty of therapy and self development before I could fully be up to a relationship. I was insecure, affected by childhood difficulties, unknowingly ASD 1.

In later life and with much learning, self development, therapy, Cocounselling, and subsequently training as a counsellor and therapist, I am more open and secure, and have a happy relationship with my partner. We are both older and wiser I guess. Together several years and marrying in September.

We are very different, but have some common interests, including psychology and self development, gardening and nature, walking and keeping healthy, reading, watching fantasy and crime and action films, pets, food, the seaside and swimming, etc. They are practical and competent, high energy and motivated, I am easygoing and playful, not too practical, rather clumsy, enjoy writing and crafts and er daydreaming.

I had to learn a heck of a lot to be able to do this, and probably I am more secure than my partner, but it works because I don't get reactive to them getting stressed with me. Well, mostly. And usually not a lot, though we do argue sometimes if we're both a bit stressed.

 

[Callistemon]

This is a partial reprint because I've discussed it before!

In my mid-30s I decided I didn't want sexuality interfering anymore with my partner choices by distorting stuff, as it is apt to do for reasons of biological hoodwinking for reproduction and for psychological reasons if you grew up in a dysfunctional family of origin. It didn't lead to good partner choices for me. I decided instead to treat dating like a job application and to do that online, not in face-to-face, so that I could take appearances and pheromones out of the equation and go by primary values first and foremost, as well as hobbies and interests.

It was an excellent site asking people tons of questions on values, ideals, what they wanted out of relationships, what they wanted to give, if they wanted children, how they thought children should be raised, plus hobbies and interests etc, and I weeded out so much stuff this way, so quickly. You then PMd your most interesting people and that weeded out more, phoned the remaining ones and that weeded out more. One person got through all this with flying colours and vice versa for him. We met up, went hiking together, made meals, talked, watched films, became great friends, and wondered if we'd become attracted that way, but I was determined to really get to know him well before anything like that was going to be encouraged and acted on. Sounds unorthodox - perhaps just old-fashioned - but it was fabulous to do it that way and resulted in a longterm relationship based firmly on friendship, common values and compatibility (and don't you believe that the sex has to be worse that way, if anything it was much better than when doing this conventionally) - 15 years and counting.

As for the before and after - and also some general dating reflections - there's a ream on that here, if anyone has insomnia.

The Friend in the Basement

 

[Knower of nothing]

While in pretty much peak despair days about 8 years ago, an isolated and friendless me was scouring the internet for a safe way to hang out with people I could relate to. Eventually I stumbled on someone hosting a chatroom where he would schedule anime to watch together with whoever showed up. It was a very obscure deal, got 10-14 people at most on the busiest days.

Fast forward a few years, me and the regulars from that group have all become friends. And particularly one person I found really cool, we shared a sort of passion for strong morality as well as art and music. He helped me discover a lot of new music which kept my creative spirit in writing music alive, and in turn I ignited in him the will to get serious about drawing again. Our separate parallel paths in the creative process are still a corner stone of the relationship today.

He helped me mellow out a ton and become more confident in myself. I helped him get through a terrible home-life situation, which he's recently managed to escape and has his own place now, hurray! And now that he does, I'll be able to visit him for the first time this summer.

It's not much of a story, but for someone like me that pretty much lives at his desk in his room, it's far more than I expected.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

We met about 2 weeks into our 1st year of school at Grand Valley State University (@Gerald Wilgus is likely familiar). She "dropped" a pencil my direction during Biology class (large lecture hall),...I reached down to pick it up,...looked her way. Of course, she's sitting there with a little grin with a few of her girlfriends,...all staring at me,...yeah,...a total set up. We just happened to have Anatomy class immediately following,...I didn't realize it at the time (large lecture hall),...I was oblivious. It wasn't until after Anatomy that we were walking back to the student housing that she caught up with me and started chatting me up and she told me her name. Over the next few days, I would see her in the cafeteria, in class, at the athletic field house,...she had these big brown eyes,...I think we may have been subtly stalking each other,...not sure,...we always seemed to be in the same places.

Keep in mind, I had been to a lot of social events on and off campus that first few weeks,...and met ALOT of girls,...so at the time, she was just another girl,...but I was interested none-the-less. A few days later,...all I knew was her first name and which housing unit she lived in,...so one day I stopped at the front desk looking for a phone number for this girl named ******. My dumb luck, there were 3 girls named ****** on the same floor. Got all 3 numbers and randomly started making calls at the desk,...sure enough,...the first 2 I called where the wrong girl,...but one did invite me up! Finally, the 3rd time was a charm and we met,...and I met the other ****** that invited me up to the floor, as well,...we laughed.

That was it,...hit it off,...never looked back. Two years later, we were married,...still in school,...and it just happened to work out better financially for the two of us being married and in school. So, win-win. At any rate, it will be 36 years of marriage in July.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I just stuck my neck out asked for a date, asked her friends about her. helped her out a few times, including her friends, when I finally asked her for a date and we started to get to know each other amazing things started to happen. she wanted to visit her family out in the country I was going to drop her at the bus station. Went to the wrong station, realizing my mistake. offered to drive her to her parents place as I was familiar with the area, Walked in the middle of wedding preparations for her younger sister up coming wedding. she knew I was Dutch she thought she was Pennsylvanian Dutch I broke her bubble she was actually German. She comes from a family of five, three sisters and one brother. her being the second oldest. Wow did I have a Surprise for her. She had met my brother, her other landlord. So I told her I owed her one. Took her to meet my parents, let her know I came from a family of six, four brothers and one sister and I was also the second oldest, my sister was the fifth oldest, same as her brother. We had virtually mirror image families, The bond was almost instant. We both come from the country. I was from one country neigbourhood over. Her older sister and I even went to the same high school a year before I started going. a lot of people we knew and I knew were distant relatives of hers. I was from a immigrant family, her family had been in the area for 8 generations. Forty years latter I know am the expert on her family, go to guy for the history who is related to who. interesting family, member's of the "Berczy Settlers", who are very important to the history of Toronto. Her family is intertwined closely with the history of Canada and the USA. Think Hessian soldiers, and loyalists. Great history most of her family was unaware of. I love being an Aspie my Wife was a bit scared of meeting my dad. German Slave during second world war.

 

[Magna]

This is a partial reprint because I've discussed it before!

In my mid-30s I decided I didn't want sexuality interfering anymore with my partner choices by distorting stuff, as it is apt to do for reasons of biological hoodwinking for reproduction and for psychological reasons if you grew up in a dysfunctional family of origin. It didn't lead to good partner choices for me. I decided instead to treat dating like a job application and to do that online, not in face-to-face, so that I could take appearances and pheromones out of the equation and go by primary values first and foremost, as well as hobbies and interests.

It was an excellent site asking people tons of questions on values, ideals, what they wanted out of relationships, what they wanted to give, if they wanted children, how they thought children should be raised, plus hobbies and interests etc, and I weeded out so much stuff this way, so quickly. You then PMd your most interesting people and that weeded out more, phoned the remaining ones and that weeded out more. One person got through all this with flying colours and vice versa for him. We met up, went hiking together, made meals, talked, watched films, became great friends, and wondered if we'd become attracted that way, but I was determined to really get to know him well before anything like that was going to be encouraged and acted on. Sounds unorthodox - perhaps just old-fashioned - but it was fabulous to do it that way and resulted in a longterm relationship based firmly on friendship, common values and compatibility (and don't you believe that the sex has to be worse that way, if anything it was much better than when doing this conventionally) - 15 years and counting.

As for the before and after - and also some general dating reflections - there's a ream on that here, if anyone has insomnia.

The Friend in the Basement

^ I think your idea of identifying compatibility based on a cognitive, mutual interests and beliefs determination first via internet is excellent. I think it's a great idea because as you say, you became friends first. With your method, it also means if you find a cerebrally compatible person but then find out you're not physically attracted to them when you finally meet/see them for the first time...you've still found a great friend and you can continue on as friends.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Wow. Nice story. Oh dear. I am still chasing the autistic guy but he chooses freedom.

It's hard but l need to face the truth.

You know that I wish you all the best, @Aspychata .

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have had a few relationships over the years, up to 4 years with a couple of people, or briefer with several, mainly until my early 40s, but either I didn't feel valued enough or they didn't seem to want me! I was always the one who called it off first, but really I needed to do plenty of therapy and self development before I could fully be up to a relationship. I was insecure, affected by childhood difficulties, unknowingly ASD 1.

In later life and with much learning, self development, therapy, Cocounselling, and subsequently training as a counsellor and therapist, I am more open and secure, and have a happy relationship with my partner. We are both older and wiser I guess. Together several years and marrying in September.

We are very different, but have some common interests, including psychology and self development, gardening and nature, walking and keeping healthy, reading, watching fantasy and crime and action films, pets, food, the seaside and swimming, etc. They are practical and competent, high energy and motivated, I am easygoing and playful, not too practical, rather clumsy, enjoy writing and crafts and er daydreaming.

I had to learn a heck of a lot to be able to do this, and probably I am more secure than my partner, but it works because I don't get reactive to them getting stressed with me. Well, mostly. And usually not a lot, though we do argue sometimes if we're both a bit stressed.

Mazeltov for your upcoming wedding. May you have a fulfilling life together.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Ironically, my youngest son met his fiance, by becoming a tour guide during the weekend, showing new immigrants Toronto, Not being aware of his own close ties to the city. He just thought it was a great way to meet women.

 

[Forest Cat]

Ironically, my youngest son met his fiance, by becoming a tour guide during the weekend, showing new immigrants Toronto, Not being aware of his own close ties to the city. He just thought it was a great way to meet women.

He became a tour guide to meet women? Your son might be a genius.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Wow. Nice story. Oh dear. I am still chasing the autistic guy but he chooses freedom.

It's hard but l need to face the truth.

We do make good husbands, do like our independence the first discussion I had with my wife cut me lots of slack. Do not mistake freedom for this common mistake NT's make about us. Some times you have to be persistent. let us know there is no leash. Not the type to fool around on the side. We do not think like NT's once you get us we are easy to pick-up.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

He became a tour guide to meet women? Your son might be a genius.

I was a ski instructor for a while 20 years ago and that was also a good way to meet women. I met so many Danes, Swedes and Germans on ski vacations and I had to teach them to ski.

He Is as bright as hell , He had a learning disability which went away when he hit puberty. Always an out of box thinker surprises me. Takes videos of his current job so when he moves on a video beats a Resume . He always told me when he was younger, hedid not want to meet a women in a bar he wanted one with some brains. His fiance has a Phd. I quess I taught him well. My motto fail to plan plan to fail.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Ironically, my youngest son met his fiance, by becoming a tour guide during the weekend, showing new immigrants Toronto, Not being aware of his own close ties to the city. He just thought it was a great way to meet women.

I wanted to meet a woman who enjoyed outdoor activities, so involved myself in Sierra Club Outings. That eventually worked for me.

 

[Bolletje]

• What was life like before you met?
• How did you meet in real life and how did you cement the bond?
• How was life for you afterward?

I was 20 when I met the guy who would become my partner. I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship. He was the new bartender at the bar I frequented. He caught my eye because he was handsome, but what clicked most for us was our love of videogames. I was interested in him, but he had a girlfriend so I made no move. We always had fun chatting and exchanging playful banter though. Our shared interests and shared sense of humor just made conversation very easy for us and he made me laugh so much.

We sort of lost sight of one another because both him and I got into a long term relationship. I stopped hanging out at his bar, he started working at a different bar. Fast forward to 8 years later. My relationship had ended a few months before that and I was at a club with a friend of mine. I saw a handsome guy looking my way but assumed he was looking at someone behind me. But when he came my way and my friend hugged him I realized who he was. Him and I talked and danced all night and had a blast. But again, he was in a relationship, so nothing happened.

6 months later I got a text from him asking if I had any plans, and if not, would I feel like having a drink at his bar. So I gathered all my courage and went to his bar by myself. When I entered and asked how he was, he immediately told me he was newly single. We chatted all night, and after he closed the bar we went dancing and kissed. After that we spent almost every day and night together for the last 9 years.

Life with him has been difficult at times, because of his work at a bar, the alcohol and drugs that come with those, the chaos and the unpredictability. At first I enjoyed that, but over time I craved stability more and more, while he still enjoyed the chaos. At times it has created a rift, but we have always been able to mend it with good, open communication. I have thought about ending things in recent years, because of those rifts, but I am glad we’re still together.

The good definitely outweighs the bad. I have a very loyal, loving companion that truly gets me and accepts me for who I am. He’s smart, he’s funny and he is the most caring person I have ever met. Being with him means laughing so hard it makes me cry on a weekly basis.

He has supported me through three clinical depressions and was 100% there for me when I got my autism diagnosis. Even though we’ve spent almost every day together for the last 9 years, I’m always excited when I’m on my way home from work because I look forward to seeing him again. So yeah, I mostly feel good about this

 

[Aspychata]

This is a partial reprint because I've discussed it before!

In my mid-30s I decided I didn't want sexuality interfering anymore with my partner choices by distorting stuff, as it is apt to do for reasons of biological hoodwinking for reproduction and for psychological reasons if you grew up in a dysfunctional family of origin. It didn't lead to good partner choices for me. I decided instead to treat dating like a job application and to do that online, not in face-to-face, so that I could take appearances and pheromones out of the equation and go by primary values first and foremost, as well as hobbies and interests.

It was an excellent site asking people tons of questions on values, ideals, what they wanted out of relationships, what they wanted to give, if they wanted children, how they thought children should be raised, plus hobbies and interests etc, and I weeded out so much stuff this way, so quickly. You then PMd your most interesting people and that weeded out more, phoned the remaining ones and that weeded out more. One person got through all this with flying colours and vice versa for him. We met up, went hiking together, made meals, talked, watched films, became great friends, and wondered if we'd become attracted that way, but I was determined to really get to know him well before anything like that was going to be encouraged and acted on. Sounds unorthodox - perhaps just old-fashioned - but it was fabulous to do it that way and resulted in a longterm relationship based firmly on friendship, common values and compatibility (and don't you believe that the sex has to be worse that way, if anything it was much better than when doing this conventionally) - 15 years and counting.

As for the before and after - and also some general dating reflections - there's a ream on that here, if anyone has insomnia.

The Friend in the Basement

This is confusing because l go at it backwards. If the outside is truly my thing, then l go in hoping to find more of a win win situation. So when everything works out - perfect. But the odds of finding this is like the winning lottery ticket. You are lucky if it happens in your lifetime. Your way is very practical and takes out the element of chance. Lol

 

[Magna]

This is confusing because l go at it backwards. If the outside is truly my thing, then l go in hoping to find more of a win win situation. So when everything works out - perfect. But the odds of finding this is like the winning lottery ticket. You are lucky if it happens in your lifetime. Your way is very practical and takes out the element of chance. Lol

It does take out an element of chance (ie not being compatible on like-mindedness, beliefs, etc) but it leaves the physical attraction factor to chance. Both are important. While physical attraction is most certainly not THE only important factor to a relationship for most people, it's important to most people. After all, people we're compatible with and get along well with in our lives that we're not physically attracted to are generally considered...friends. No?

@Callistemon: To be clear, I really like your idea and I'm not criticizing it. Your idea addresses the fundamental and lasting cornerstones of a relationship, the compatibility quotient. It would scare me in a way however because physical attraction also has to be there for me. It would scare me in the same way a dating site based solely on seeing photos of the person alone as a basis for meeting them but not knowing a single thing about them would (if such a site existed). I had an experience in college where I knew a girl who was a very nice friend and I valued our friendship. However, she wanted more than a platonic friendship with me and made that known to me. I had absolutely positively zero physical attraction to her and just wanted to be friends. I picture a situation where she and I would have hit it off in an online friendship without knowing each other's identify, agree that we were compatible and then finally in the end see each other for the first time. My feeling (or lack thereof) would have been the same as it was back in college. "Let's be friends."

 

[Aspychata]

It does take out an element of chance (ie not being compatible on like-mindedness, beliefs, etc) but it leaves the physical attraction factor to chance. Both are important. While physical attraction is most certainly not THE only important factor to a relationship for most people, it's important to most people. After all, people we're compatible with and get along well with in our lives that we're not physically attracted to are generally considered...friends. No?

But then is it better to be with your best friend or somebody you are attracted to and hope the other works out? This is the 64,000 dollar question. Maybe you can start that post. Lol

A relationship that requires effort doesn't scare me away. There is also a learning process that is entered into if both are trusting. So l enjoy the unknown, because l am open to change within myself.