Hi I'm Niky

[Niky]

A couple of people in my life have pointed out that they think I have aspergers. While I disagreed at first and found them amusing, I later started to wonder as well. I don't want to get diagnosed because I don't want it to affect my career.

Anyway, I've always had trouble fitting into this world. I can be awkward. My emotional range is limited and habitually under control. To the point of almost believing I'm a half robot. I realized it as a problem one year, when I took a trip every 2 months, and found that my ability to enjoy some amazing times and amazing places was not to its expected potential. My feeling joy was limited. And that's sad. It's not living, you know what I mean. Something is wrong and I feel like accepting the aspergers title is a copout to not having to change. I mean I accept it - I don't care. But I believe it's a group of injuries that can be healed.

Being a overly sensitive child to the environment back then, I could feel everyone's emotion, I could feel how dark the world is beneath everyone's smile and "happy" socializing. So then came this other thing about pondering about life and questioning everything.

What drew me here to this forum was a question which I've posted in a separate thread, suspecting that it maybe our childhood environment that taught us how to suppress our emotion, either by rejection, ridicule, or some form of damage /hurt. I'm talking about adults in the environment, beginning with our parents. (and that we just have to forgive them as part of the healing process). This emotional trait, I think it's a defense mechanism.

 

[Astroganga]

Hi Niky, welcome. I'm in a similar situation to you except I do want to get diagnosed. You have raised a lot of interesting experiences some of which i share myself.

 

[ancusmitis]

Welcome to the restaurant at the end of the internet

 

[hiraeth]

Welcome Niky

Yes, I used to be super sensitive and had very pronounced emotional highs and lows (although it is possible that none of it ever showed in my body language), and became consciously shut down as an adult for a bunch of reasons. I know why I become this way and it has nothing to do with parents or childhood socialization, but the external environment is very much responsible. Sometimes I will try to break out of that and can only ever go so long before some specific external triggers force me back in my shell, and over time I've gotten a good sense of what they are.

I don't think of my inability to experience a "normal range" of emotion as a part of Aspergers. Not being able to express emotion (when I feel it) properly through body language is Aspergers. Having less than average amounts of energy (and therefore frequently very little left for emotional faculties) is probably also Aspergers, because more energy needs to be spent than NTs do for dealing with the constant sensory input in an average day. Heck, even not being able to integrate the physical aspects of an emotional experience (like when excitement produces an increased heart rate, I freak out and get anxious instead of just knowing that it's a normal part of being excited) could be part of it too. But that all is a bit different than consistently not being able to feel anything at all, in the first place.

 

[Tom]

I've wondered if an NT could end up at the same place as an Aspie via a different route. It does not appear an Aspie can be 'healed' however. They can learn compensating techniques, but the underlying condition is always there.

 

[StephF]

Hi

 

[Niky]

Thanks Sportster. I scored a 139. I wasn't sure of the answer to some of the questions though. Like before 16 / after 16, sometimes, maybe... etc. I'm below threshold for requiring diagnosis. Yay, one less thing for me to have to do.

I guess I'm almost borderline.