Fishtailcookie
New Member
So I don't even no where to begin. I spent most my life alone until I had kids and then was left raising them alone. It's all I have ever done is care for others even when I was younger. During lockdown I bubbled with someone. Fell in love and had another kid. Finally I wasn't alone anymore. She had some issues sure but with kids potentially on the spectrum and the past she had who wouldn't. But something happened. With people there at night when no else ever had been I didn't know how to act or be. I didn't know how to even handle it. Started to realise I script everything and now cant do that with another adult there to want to spend time with me when I don't need to be dad at night. Thought at first I was lying to myself to make lies but slowly realised without doing this I just could function outside. It drove me mad. I lost everything in one big rage that honestly I can't remember properly. I didn't hurt no one but all I do was scream at everyone and got angerier and angerier. Thing is as anyone will tell you and my kids. We have a no shouting and spanking household. I broke my rules that day. My own rules. I went doctors and tried explaining and then he said anxiety. Started to learn my whole life wasn't fair or even right. No one should be left alone and gone through what I went through as a kid. Then boom all my kids are being tested for autism and ADHD or ADHD. I don't understand any of this but I went on this obsession is the only way I can explain it and studied all this for weeks. Should I listen to my naughbor and freind and go doctors for me to. I honestly feel like my whole reality shattered. I don't know who I am. I don't what the hell. How did I even get here. How have I even survived. Everyone has abandoned more or I have found out they really just never liked me and was using me or actually just scared of me. I train you see. I never meant to hurt anyone. In fact as much as I can't go into some stuff. I have saved lives. I thought I was the good guy. Turns out am very very hated. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought about suicide but am a single dad of two and have another kid with another. I can't do that. But I can't live like this. I can't have this surely I can fix myself right. I really do have no one to talk to about this.