Help.

[Fishtailcookie]

So I don't even no where to begin. I spent most my life alone until I had kids and then was left raising them alone. It's all I have ever done is care for others even when I was younger. During lockdown I bubbled with someone. Fell in love and had another kid. Finally I wasn't alone anymore. She had some issues sure but with kids potentially on the spectrum and the past she had who wouldn't. But something happened. With people there at night when no else ever had been I didn't know how to act or be. I didn't know how to even handle it. Started to realise I script everything and now cant do that with another adult there to want to spend time with me when I don't need to be dad at night. Thought at first I was lying to myself to make lies but slowly realised without doing this I just could function outside. It drove me mad. I lost everything in one big rage that honestly I can't remember properly. I didn't hurt no one but all I do was scream at everyone and got angerier and angerier. Thing is as anyone will tell you and my kids. We have a no shouting and spanking household. I broke my rules that day. My own rules. I went doctors and tried explaining and then he said anxiety. Started to learn my whole life wasn't fair or even right. No one should be left alone and gone through what I went through as a kid. Then boom all my kids are being tested for autism and ADHD or ADHD. I don't understand any of this but I went on this obsession is the only way I can explain it and studied all this for weeks. Should I listen to my naughbor and freind and go doctors for me to. I honestly feel like my whole reality shattered. I don't know who I am. I don't what the hell. How did I even get here. How have I even survived. Everyone has abandoned more or I have found out they really just never liked me and was using me or actually just scared of me. I train you see. I never meant to hurt anyone. In fact as much as I can't go into some stuff. I have saved lives. I thought I was the good guy. Turns out am very very hated. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought about suicide but am a single dad of two and have another kid with another. I can't do that. But I can't live like this. I can't have this surely I can fix myself right. I really do have no one to talk to about this.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Welcome.

Being autistic can be extremely difficult; all of us understand that.

It sounds like things are pretty overwhelming for you right now.

I see you have at least one priority in place: taking care of your children.

You also need to take care of yourself. You can learn a lot about autism and get support here.

That said, getting to a doctor is probably the next best thing to do. If having a neighbor come with you would help you, by all means, bring along someone for support.

 

[Rodafina]

Call in support from all angles. A doctor could be useful.

We can be here to listen. Writing about some of this stuff can be so helpful and you will get feedback and support here.

I know it feels overwhelming right now, but I assure you that there are people right here on the forum that understand many of these things. You can lean on us for a little while, trying to figure things out.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Mary Terry]

Good advice here. I recommend you start using birth control, so you don't compound your problems with even more children.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Good advice here. I recommend you start using birth control, so you don't compound your problems with even more children.

I agree with you very much. Birth control is cheaper than children. I'm glad that OP has had some recent insight and I hope that their life can become better with this new learning experience.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

So I don't even no where to begin. I spent most my life alone until I had kids and then was left raising them alone. It's all I have ever done is care for others even when I was younger. During lockdown I bubbled with someone. Fell in love and had another kid. Finally I wasn't alone anymore. She had some issues sure but with kids potentially on the spectrum and the past she had who wouldn't. But something happened. With people there at night when no else ever had been I didn't know how to act or be. I didn't know how to even handle it. Started to realise I script everything and now cant do that with another adult there to want to spend time with me when I don't need to be dad at night. Thought at first I was lying to myself to make lies but slowly realised without doing this I just could function outside. It drove me mad. I lost everything in one big rage that honestly I can't remember properly. I didn't hurt no one but all I do was scream at everyone and got angerier and angerier. Thing is as anyone will tell you and my kids. We have a no shouting and spanking household. I broke my rules that day. My own rules. I went doctors and tried explaining and then he said anxiety. Started to learn my whole life wasn't fair or even right. No one should be left alone and gone through what I went through as a kid. Then boom all my kids are being tested for autism and ADHD or ADHD. I don't understand any of this but I went on this obsession is the only way I can explain it and studied all this for weeks. Should I listen to my naughbor and freind and go doctors for me to. I honestly feel like my whole reality shattered. I don't know who I am. I don't what the hell. How did I even get here. How have I even survived. Everyone has abandoned more or I have found out they really just never liked me and was using me or actually just scared of me. I train you see. I never meant to hurt anyone. In fact as much as I can't go into some stuff. I have saved lives. I thought I was the good guy. Turns out am very very hated. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought about suicide but am a single dad of two and have another kid with another. I can't do that. But I can't live like this. I can't have this surely I can fix myself right. I really do have no one to talk to about this.

Hello! Sorry to hear of the recent struggle. But I'm proud of you for being able to admit to yourself, and to look inside and be accountable for your actions--seriously, that's something to commend.

I wish I was able to help in some way, but hang in there---I guarantee that things will get better soon. I understand very much your points about anger, and about blowing up. Anxiety and autism are a real dang struggle to live with. It's so hard.

Not many people can be as honest with themselves as you've been with yourself, according to your words--it may be a hard task, to look into a mirror and realize that we haven't done some good things. But now that you know what the issues may stem from, then you can get on track to having your life improved.

All the best to you, OP! I promise that things will be better one day.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Jordan Peterson actually has a great lecture on this very topic of living in the past and how to handle those anxieties that are effecting your life. I know, I know, some of his statements and views on OTHER topics can be controversial, but in this example, he is simply playing the role of a psychologist and actually has some good advice here.

 

[tree]

 

[Au Naturel]

Jordan Peterson actually has a great lecture on this very topic of living in the past and how to handle those anxieties that are effecting your life. I know, I know, some of his statements and views on OTHER topics can be controversial, but in this example, he is simply playing the role of a psychologist and actually has some good advice here.

I really, really, disagree with a lot of what Peterson says but sometimes he can be okay.

Trauma lives in the primitive areas of the brain. Some people get burned and avoid touching things that are really hot from then on. Other people get burned and start reliving that trauma upon seeing something hot. The flight or fight reflex kicks in, and now you pump adrenaline and cortisols into your system. That turns it from an avoidance behavior to anxiety. The physical reaction reinforces the remembered experience and pumps in more stress chemistry. If the cycle doesn't naturally break, it becomes an anxiety attack. Or worse, a panic attack.

The same principle works for any other powerful physical/emotional upset. The only way out is to make the anxiety reaction extinct so the trauma can be accepted without emotional baggage. (Trying to eliminate hot things from the world is not viable, tho we keep trying.) There are different therapeutic and philosophical techniques to do this.

I am not sure this is useful for the OP.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, I'm pretty sure there are people who value you, and that not a lot of people hate you, hate is a strong word. You sound like you are doing your best, hang in there, it's good that you found us, I hope you will stay and join in discussion here. We get what you are saying, some here have been through this too, it's not easy.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome. I agree with the general sentiment to do your best, and reach out for help - you and your children both need and deserve some.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I really, really, disagree with a lot of what Peterson says but sometimes he can be okay.

Trauma lives in the primitive areas of the brain. Some people get burned and avoid touching things that are really hot from then on. Other people get burned and start reliving that trauma upon seeing something hot. The flight or fight reflex kicks in, and now you pump adrenaline and cortisols into your system. That turns it from an avoidance behavior to anxiety. The physical reaction reinforces the remembered experience and pumps in more stress chemistry. If the cycle doesn't naturally break, it becomes an anxiety attack. Or worse, a panic attack.

The same principle works for any other powerful physical/emotional upset. The only way out is to make the anxiety reaction extinct so the trauma can be accepted without emotional baggage. (Trying to eliminate hot things from the world is not viable, tho we keep trying.) There are different therapeutic and philosophical techniques to do this.

I am not sure this is useful for the OP.

Agree. Jordon hit these topics in his talk here.

Aside from that, I grew up with the sort of mindset that you shouldn't "throw out the book because of a handful of statements you disagree with." Everyone will say things, at some time, on some topic, that you don't agree with, but those same people can also have quite a bit of wisdom and like-minded values. So, often times you just have to understand that no matter the expertise, there can be "blind spots" where they aren't considering another's perspective or context. I have the understanding that, in the case of Jordan Peterson, because his time is rather limited in interviews and lectures, he has to speak in general terms and really cannot elaborate upon ALL the varied perspectives and contexts. So, whether his topic is "facts vs personal truths and feelings" or the "Leftist, Liberal dominance in the universities" or "forced or compelled language", etc., I think his rather direct, sometimes "insensitive" approach can ruffle a few feathers. He has a YouTube platform, he's a popular speaker for a reason, but with that certainly comes with disagreement. That's OK. I think there is genuine intent for the greater good, and for better or worse, he does make us pause to think. I would rather us all pause to think, even if we don't all agree.

BTW, I don't want to hijack this thread with a discussion on Jordan Peterson. Stick with the concerns of the original post.