Help me understand what went wrong

[TeresaM]

Hi, It has been about five years since I posted here and you were amazing at helping me with relationship advice. I need your help again because I don’t know if I should walk away or wait and see if we can mend this.

I don’t even know where to start. My husband died suddenly and 18 months later I met Martin. He was everything I thought I wanted. Caring and attentive. He was honest about his ASD and his past relationship disasters. He had cheated every time and couldn’t commit.

We started to see each other and I fell in love. After two years together he moved in with me. We lived together for three years and it was good. I knew how to let him have his space and he was happy to give me the cuddles and affection I needed. But it was always hard work because he always kept part of himself back.

Nine months ago he moved into a flat nearer to his kids. That was ok because living together permanently was something he had never promised. His daughter moved in with him and we continued to see each other. Gradually life started to get in the way and we couldn’t see each other as much.

Last weekend when I was staying with him confessed he had slept with someone else and now we are finished. We have spoken a lot and he says he loves me but just cannot commit because he craves solitude. His family have been so supportive.

I know I spent the relationship making sure his needs were met and forgot about mine but I knew that I couldn’t make demands on his. I love this man so much but I just don’t know what to do.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I know I spent the relationship making sure his needs were met and forgot about mine but I knew that I couldn’t make demands on his. I love this man so much but I just don’t know what to do.

Find yourself again.

Put yourself first, and dont give yourself away.

It can be a hard journey.

 

[TeresaM]

Thank you so much and I know you are probably right. I would have made sacrifices to be with him. Love is hard x

 

[Trophonius]

I'm sorry if I'm too blunt, but you dated a man who "had cheated every time and couldn't commit" — I feel the outcome you experienced was the most likely, almost unavoidable.

I also think the fact he "cannot commit because he crave solitude" doesn't and shouldn't imply an impulse to cheat on his partners — it feels like an excuse. This strikes me as using his ASD (which at this point I would doubt unless officially diagnosed) to justify his behavior.

 

[TeresaM]

He was diagnosed as a young adult. I don’t think his craving for solitude is the reason for cheating. I think he tries to be in relationships but ultimately can’t really share his life with anyone permanently. I don’t think he is a bad person and yes you are right but I had become part of his family and they all felt our relationship was different. He had told me he thought there was a future for us but I guess that changed. I’m NT so unfortunately my ability to see things as black and white is not very good. I went with my heart.

 

[Tom]

... He was honest about his ASD and his past relationship disasters. He had cheated every time and couldn’t commit.

Cheating isn't a symptom of autism, though some autistics do it just as some NTs do. So I don't see anything here that can be addressed as an autism issue. Its some other aspect of his personality.

I really wouldn't waste any more time on it.

 

[GadAbout]

He had cheated every time and couldn’t commit.

The minute I read this sentence, I knew what later paragraphs were going to say.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior (in any given individual).

If I were you, I would accept that this relationship is over, and gradually begin to date a little and let friends know you are no longer a couple. You can continue a friendship with this man, you can even go to him occasionally for sex, but if you don't accept that it's over, you are deluding yourself at your own peril.

 

[TeresaM]

It isn’t the cheating, that was wrong and he knows it. It is just understanding how you can love someone but want to be on your own. I think I just need to under for my own piece of mind

 

[Juliettaa]

Put your own needs first - always.

He doesn't value your relationship as much as you do; his cheating demonstrates that.

Walk away, however painful that may be.

 

[TeresaM]

I know you are right and I would never go to him for sex. I can be a friend but he is telling me he still loves me and that confuses the issue. I doubt I would go back to him I’m just hurt right now

 

[TeresaM]

@Julietta
"He doesn't value your relationship as much as you do; his cheating demonstrates that.
Walk away, however painful that may be."


You are right and I do know that. It isn’t as hard as my husband dying so I know I’ll be ok

 

[All-Rounder]

Self-justification describes how, when a person encounters cognitive dissonance, or a situation in which a person's behavior is inconsistent with their beliefs, that person tends to justify the behavior and deny any negative feedback associated with the behavior.

Do yourself the long forgotten favor of cutting all contact with him. Dont believe everything a bf says, there are always liars who seem honest but are not entirely. Trust your instincts, watch their behavior not explanations.

I hope his head falls off knocked by a crow as many times as he failed to use it. Be strong now, never go back. You will move on greatly. Be thankful you're out of there.

Sometimes people may tell you they love you just to get you to stay. Theyre the kind of cowards who arent gonna look for someone who they love or let you find someone who will love you but keep wasting your time pretending to like you and desire you enough to not treat you bad or cheat. They will never love you and you can't make them do it, but you can move on and stop making them think they can get away with their insecurities and filthy lies. Do this jerk a favor and leave him, if you love him. You both need it, I promise.

 

[All-Rounder]

He was diagnosed as a young adult. I don’t think his craving for solitude is the reason for cheating. I think he tries to be in relationships but ultimately can’t really share his life with anyone permanently. I don’t think he is a bad person and yes you are right but I had become part of his family and they all felt our relationship was different. He had told me he thought there was a future for us but I guess that changed. I’m NT so unfortunately my ability to see things as black and white is not very good. I went with my heart.

You can continue a friendship with this man, you can even go to him occasionally for sex, but if you don't accept that it's over, you are deluding yourself at your own peril.

Given that youve been way too vulnerable and always accepted him back I cannot stress how important to cut contact completely forever is for your ability to move on. I believe some people cant stay friends with their exes and that is ok as long as you can work with it and avoid falling back into your patterns. Know yourself and guard your weaknesses.

 

[All-Rounder]

Hope this helps you through.

 

[Kalinychta]

I started living by myself two years ago, and I quickly realized that it’s ideal for me. I’ll never live with anyone again if I can help it. I need a quiet, private place that is completely mine. If your boyfriend is autistic, this may be how he feels, too.

As for his other behavior, I don’t see anything autistic about it or “black and white” as you mentioned. I think you’re just looking for something to blame and focus your confusion and pain on. I mean that with no disrespect; it’s something we all tend to do when things fall apart. It sounds to me like the relationship is just ending. He’s probably telling you that he still loves you because he thinks it will help you feel less bad (i.e. telling someone you still love them versus telling them you don’t love them anymore...the first option seems kinder even though, in the long run, it isn’t).

I’d say, break contact with him, start the healing process, and move on. Relationships just sometimes end whether one partner has ASD or not.

 

[Thinx]

Actually I get the part about still loving the other person, my experience has not been that I broke up with people because I didn't love them, but that I realised that they didn't love me enough, or that despite me loving them, the relationship wasn't workable. Love isn't the only thing you need for a relationship to work, in my experience.

Ability to make secure attachments is different from love, I suppose, and is somewhat dependent on past issues such as parenting that each person has had, and past relationships of each person, and our willingness to look at ourselves and work on things, together and individually.

 

[Pats]

Some people just have it in them. My first husband ran around. His next wife, he did the same. His next wife, he did the same. His current wife, he did the same until he had a stroke and was no longer able to. But she just chose to put up with it, because that's just who he was.