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Help ~ it's harassment

Kayla55

Well-Known Member
I had this problem with men all my life, I'm harassed, bullied when I say no, pushed into things. Does being an attractive women or in my case a dirty blonde affect men's perception of you, not just in how unhappy I am about unwanted advances all time but in a general lack of respect that you are stupid, no way you different or that I cant do anything for myself.

Does hair colour and attractiveness mean you must be low functioning as in stupid.
 
Does hair colour and attractiveness mean you must be low functioning as in stupid.

When I think of low functioning and stupid, I think of those men who would still seriously buy into a media stereotype created on film around 100 years ago. Unfortunately Hollywood- and Madison Avenue continues to have a lot of influence over stupid, gullible people which continues to this very day.


I once had a relationship with a blonde woman. And yes, she did seem to draw a lot of unsolicited and unwanted attention. Annoying not only for her, but at times myself as well.

I also used to work with a very attractive blonde woman. She used to always arrive at the office with the worst scowl on her face. As she once explained, it was to combat those same type of guys giving her unsolicited attention, and for her it seemed to work more often than not.
 
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"I had this problem with men all my life, I'm harassed, bullied when I say no, pushed into things. Does being an attractive women or in my case a dirty blonde affect men's perception of you, not just in how unhappy I am about unwanted advances all time but in a general lack of respect that you are stupid, no way you different or that I cant do anything for myself.

Does hair colour and attractiveness mean you must be low functioning as in stupid."


I am going to be very direct.

NO.

You are attracting "beta" males. Males who are insecure will "project" themselves as "manly", but in reality, they are weak.

You might be a weak "beta" male if:
1. You don't accept responsibility when things go wrong. You deflect and blame.
2. In order for you to feel more secure in yourself, you have to undercut another person.
3. You exhibit controlling behaviors.
4. You exhibit jealousy and envy yourself, but want others to be jealous and envious of you.
5. You love playing the victim.
6. You feel the need to be intimidating, because you are a coward.
7. You are a psychological, verbal, and/or physical abuser.
8. You frequently lie and deceive.


Probably some more, but you get the idea.

"If you have to remind people you are the king,...you're not the king."

You might be a strong "alpha" male if:
1. You accept responsibility, and are responsible.
2. You encourage, compliment, and support the people around you.
3. No manipulation or control.
4. You care more about the well-being of others. You will sacrifice yourself, if need be.
5. You are neither the "wolf" nor the "sheep", but rather, you are the "sheepdog".
6. You walk into a room and people simply "sense" and "know" you are the alpha. You are reserved and don't project.
7. You speak the truth, even if it hurts.
8. People are relaxed and are drawn to you.
9. You are capable and dangerous, but with peaceful control.

Probably some more, but you get the idea.
 
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Lol, thanks. I went through masking phase as a teen and for long time wasn't sure about underperforming in certain areas and started to doubt myself.

Confusion I also had for many years up til recently was confusion in gender roles, but not as in I'm gay but not always understanding this man respect role, not as in being disrespectful but that society imprints this belief in men as elevated species and feeling confused as to why I failed to see his intelligence and later questioning having being told what to do when it doesn't make sense. When I got divorced he wasn't sleeping on the couch and was being selfish towards kids. I decided I wanted to move him out the house and was informed that you not entitled to move a man out his house, by this stage I'd stopped masking and learnt I wasn't going to take it, I didn't feel he'd earned his rights, I actually felt he behaved more like the emotional baggage with the PM's.
 
Lol, thanks. I went through masking phase as a teen and for long time wasn't sure about underperforming in certain areas and started to doubt myself.

Confusion I also had for many years up til recently was confusion in gender roles, but not as in I'm gay but not always understanding this man respect role, not as in being disrespectful but that society imprints this belief in men as elevated species and feeling confused as to why I failed to see his intelligence and later questioning having being told what to do when it doesn't make sense. When I got divorced he wasn't sleeping on the couch and was being selfish towards kids. I decided I wanted to move him out the house and was informed that you not entitled to move a man out his house, by this stage I'd stopped masking and learnt I wasn't going to take it, I didn't feel he'd earned his rights, I actually felt he behaved more like the emotional baggage with the PM's.
I think you were dealing with a "beta". Respect is earned not given, but a "beta" might demand respect, project himself as "intelligent", and will use psychological and verbal abuse and manipulation to make you think you are "less than". These types of men are very good at "nibbling" away at their female partner's self-esteem. It's horribly destructive.

I don't think society imprints this belief that men are "elevated". Weak males do like to "talk it up" around other weak males, yes. I've seen that, and its just ridiculous and embarrassing because they clearly don't understand. To the contrary, despite a very tiny fraction of 0.1% of "hyper performing" males that own nearly all the capital and wealth, there is also an overwhelming population of males at the other end of the spectrum that are disaffected, struggling, single, jobless, homeless, incarcerated, and are committing suicide. If there is any thing that we need to "imprint" on males is this idea that we should be responsible for ourselves and others.

If you are autistic, then you may not recognize or appreciate social hierarchy. I am very guilty of it. I treat physicians, the CEO of the company (yes, I know her), my peers, my patients families, even the cleaning staff,...all the same. I treat people equally. Now, in some social situations that's actually preferred, but in others, it is a clear violation of respect and decorum. If your partner is being somehow upset or offended that you somehow not "giving" him respect, it's likely because he hadn't earned it yet. So, too bad for him. Boo hoo.;)

As far as who moves out of the house, well that depends, and it doesn't have anything to do with "entitlement". If you two purchased the home jointly, then these things go to arbitration, perhaps meaning that the home be sold. You both split the value of your assets. Why should anyone be forced to simply be left out in the cold without a home, and still have to pay for the roof over their ex-partners head? That's not at all equitable, and credit ratings for one or the other could be destroyed. Sell the assets, split the money, and go your separate ways. There are no "winners" or "losers" here. If the house in solely in one partner's name, then the other must leave, period.
 
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Our laws state we both had to reside in house until divorce date. He wasn't making life nice to live with, buying his own food, occupying area of house where I had being busy with something. He was type of person still hit naughty children in today's age.
Result of bitter arguments over raising the kids raised worse issue where he dumped our autistic toddler in creche to get used to life and toughen up. Me looking for a job and threatening to be the one to find my own place away from this. Me, walking in to find him feeding our toddler steroids (without allergies) and claiming he had solution .....locking the computer so I can't look for a job and trying to sabotage me, finding computer unlocked with data erased, changing passwords on wifi, to WiFi access terminated.

It was a rental, I got no money and he tried to avoid maintenance, too! So I just had to get back to work and was more qualified, to s more experience and he knew it andat's not even what it's about.

Do any other aspies women have confusion over 'qualities of neuro-typicsl male that seem illogical ....can you become confused about gender role.
 
Better example:...
(Dating a guy, single, no kids and it looks like this)

We sit at the table having a conversation of which he knows nothing of what he's saying!!

He's always asking me how do you do this or that...

When he can't fix something, he quits. I have to organise solution.

There's gender confusion because we not sure where male brain is at. I'm sitting quietly not even saying it but clearly men are not what is depicted in the movies
 
This type of behavior is neither "neurotypical" or "autistic", per se. Both can be "beta". All that controlling, manipulative, loves to BS, "macho" tough guy, behavior is actually weakness on display.

This has ZERO to do with gender roles or neurotypical behavior, per se.

An "alpha" will behave quite the opposite. He can be strong and capable, but because he is an alpha, he's not going to feel disrespected, threatened, nor anxious about his partner making more money, being more successful, giving her freedom, trust, honesty, supporting her, lifting her up, and will be willing to let her go if she is unhappy.

So, I wouldn't go down that road of discussing "gender role confusion", because it's not that, at all. You're dealing with a specific personality type and unfortunately getting that confused with "neurotypical male" behavior.
 
The toddler didn't want to go out, crying at gate for 3 hours and no he didn't eventually go to class.
The other theories in toughen up r just as insensitive to what suits him
 
We know in gifted circles that [Edenic] male & female brains tend to work differently than each other to reach the same conclusions.
That said-males (gifted or not) tend to use more spatial reasoning,
where said-females (gifted or not) tend to rely on more verbal reasoning.
 
I've lived alone now for 16 years as a recluse, I work on my computer from home, I have all my boys with me.
I no longer mask, it's an unnecessary evil so my reasoning is just what it is.
 
My wife likes to colour her hair natural blonde, sick of being just the blonde. Half the time I do not even notice.
 
I had this problem with men all my life, I'm harassed, bullied when I say no, pushed into things. Does being an attractive women or in my case a dirty blonde affect men's perception of you, not just in how unhappy I am about unwanted advances all time but in a general lack of respect that you are stupid, no way you different or that I cant do anything for myself.

Does hair colour and attractiveness mean you must be low functioning as in stupid.

In my own experience as a man, some people just have a predatory response to vulnerability, for whatever reason. In your case, you have men preying on you and hoping for easy gratification. I've often had women see me as teetotaling and spiritually "viriginal," and want to "corrupt" me. Like that's some kind of turn on.

All these people want is a feeling of power.
 
Maybe it is just kind of person, I ended up blaming fact that I'd dated off spectrum as reasoning it wasn't working.

For me masking was form of being herded with the sheep, so reasoning behind so much was confusing. I'm reflecting back on my younger years and trying to figure out what happened.

Learning from being told that it was a physical need, knowing that sexist but not understanding or condoning mens behaviour. If I could ask girls to witness social behaviour and explain it on paper, maybe it varies. I think I also was bullied on my first office job, had my computer turned upside down so I learnt wrong about war for territory and it drove me to be better at my job than I might have being otherwise.

One day I went to office and my email was jammed with pornographic spam that I couldn't get my mail.
I was in bathroom, so upset. I wasn't a good waitress and this job meant everything to me,
 
We know in gifted circles that [Edenic] male & female brains tend to work differently than each other to reach the same conclusions.
That said-males (gifted or not) tend to use more spatial reasoning,
where said-females (gifted or not) tend to rely on more verbal reasoning.
That is more of an accurate statement. Heterosexual males are more likely to be emotionally distant and rely more on their reasoning centers in general. They are more likely to make decisions without thinking of another's feelings. Heterosexual females are more emotionally connected, and although they can also use their reasoning centers, decisions are more likely to be altruistic and considerate of others feelings. These are generalizations. However, as I suggested, there can be rather "toxic" personality types present in both genders. Know the difference. Don't get personality types confused with gender or gender roles.
 
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Does hair colour and attractiveness mean you must be low functioning as in stupid.
Actually, yes it does define someone as being low functioning and stupid. NO - not the attractive person, but the person that believes the attractive person is low functioning as in stupid.

As much as possible; ignore the harassers. They can't help it, they are just low functioning and stupid. Their actions and words self-define them as such.

I'm afraid I do not have any life experience to offer any better advice. But, I was quite taken by a quote from the movie, "Patch Adams". Carin Fisher, a very attractive woman attending medical school, said, "my entire life... men have been... attracted to me. My entire life. When I was a little girl... I would look out my bedroom window at the caterpillars. I envied them so much. No matter what they were before... no matter... what happened to them...
they could just hide away, you know... and turn into these beautiful creatures that could fly away... completely untouched. I hated men so much."

That quote really moved me. What a profound realization. So many people envy attractive people. But, being attractive does not always yield a happy life. I really felt for that character and all the attractive people of the world.

I have never experience anything like that, so I can't fully relate. I have been a Quasimodo all my life and have felt devastated because of it - until realizing there is whole other side of being attractive.
 
I would dread going to work for 2 hrs and clock watch. I would tense up with all people and mess up. I'd take an order and walk to computer like a robot, I'd panic at large tables and not remember how specials worked, drop the black pepper. I'd shake holding tray and every capaccino had messed underlying saucer. I lacked jokes to get tips. The manager was so sweet he didn't want to say it so one day he gave me a drink and just nodded. Nightmare and people can't seem to understand. You lost your job??? I'll get another, doing what?
 
In navigating my autism (which I didn't know I had, nor even knew the term), my first job taught me that I could not have any job that involved contact with the general public. I had no idea why or what was wrong with me; I just knew I couldn't handle it. There was just too much anxiety; I was too nervous, couldn't think, loss of dexterity, shaking, always had a strong impulse to bolt and run away every time a customer came in. I was always on the teetering edge of breaking down into tears.

After that job, a reduction of social contact was a major criteria for every job I sought and it really helped. Each one was a little better, because I was able to find one with less social contact.

I would just say when looking for job openings, perhaps consider the amount of social contact that would be required, or would occur even if not required. Even social contact with coworkers was a problem for me.
 
In navigating my autism (which I didn't know I had, nor even knew the term), my first job taught me that I could not have any job that involved contact with the general public. I had no idea why or what was wrong with me; I just knew I couldn't handle it. There was just too much anxiety; I was too nervous, couldn't think, loss of dexterity, shaking, always had a strong impulse to bolt and run away every time a customer came in. I was always on the teetering edge of breaking down into tears.

After that job, a reduction of social contact was a major criteria for every job I sought and it really helped. Each one was a little better, because I was able to find one with less social contact.

I would just say when looking for job openings, perhaps consider the amount of social contact that would be required, or would occur even if not required. Even social contact with coworkers was a problem for me.
Thanks, I'm actually reflecting back on my life, I suppose it's bad but I think it can be useful for others. My Mom is the nutto in old age home and this is a repeating theme: people don't understand what is wrong with you or why you can't get a job.
 

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