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Hello!

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Morgan, Jan 19, 2020.

  1. Morgan

    Morgan New Member

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    Hi everyone,

    I finally worked up the courage to make a post! I just joined this site in hopes of acquiring some tips and assistance. I am currently 24 years old and recently just began discovering that I may have Asperger’s Syndrome. Hence started my deep dive into researching books, websites, blogs, and personal stories of those who have been diagnosed. I also have begun looking back at my childhood and looking through all my school work and report cards to seek answers and confirm my suspicions. I’ve struggled with many different areas of my life for as long as I can remember since childhood.

    I had a cleft palate when I was born so I attended speech therapy until 4th grade. But I didn’t struggle with just pronunciation. I also was behind in my reading proficiency and my ability to relate the sequence of events in stories correctly. I had trouble staying on topic and being understandable. I struggled immensely with my handwriting and to this day never could truly figure out how to write cursive. I also struggled immensely in math and I believe I have Dyscaculia as well. I struggled making connections between numbers and getting them mixed up. In my report card, teachers reported that I also struggled with telling time. Although I managed to get the basics in Math down, embarrassingly, the only reason I passed math is my parents sat down and did my homework with me even through college. Many times when doing my math homework, I’d become so overwhelmed I’d have a meltdown. I felt so bad that I needed so much help and felt very incompetent. In school I was easily distracted, quiet, and well-behaved. I often was forgetful and couldn’t remember simple things such as if I had a lunch I brought with me from home or if I was getting hot lunch.

    I remember the biggest struggles beginning when I was around 12 years old and entering middle school. At this age I began to notice that I was really different from my peers. I didn’t have a lot of friends. Maybe one or two but mostly kept to myself. By 7th grade I was homeschooled through the rest of middle school and highschool. When I was 14, I started experiencing a lot of anxiety and bouts of depression. I was too scared to approach my parents so I began seeking answers online. That’s when I came across OCD. It answered a lot of different questions I had. It gave some explanation to my intrusive and repetitive thoughts and different mental rituals. But still didn’t give me all the answers I was looking for. Throughout my teenage years, since I was homeschooled I obsessively played video games to escape and had many different obsessions. One of them being art. I’d get up and draw from morning to night, my parent’s periodically reminding me to take care of myself, to eat and take a break. I was a very good and quiet kid.

    My parents consequently never questioned me being holed up in my room for more than 8 hours everyday watching documentaries, playing games, or drawing. This went on for years. Each year that passed, I only became more confused. As I became older, I started feeling a gap between me and my peers. I was 18 and still didn’t have a phone. Never had social media. Never texted. In fact, it wasn’t until my parents told me I needed a phone once I started working and being out of the house a bit more that I finally got one. I was scared to drive. It was overwhelming driving and keeping track of every car, sign, light, and thing going on around me. I had multiple meltdowns while learning. Still, after all of these red flags, I never questioned it. I simply thought I had anxiety. I love my family and they have helped me a lot, but many times when I would bring up my concerns, they were never taken seriously. My family doesn’t really believe in therapy. “You’re just being sensitive.” “You need to develop thicker skin.”

    By the time I entered college, I had very low self-esteem, was confused, and lost. Many times I’ve either cried at night or locked myself in the bathroom and cried. But through my college years, I became more independent and thrived in my art classes. I felt a sense of belonging. I got great grades and got to focus on one of my passions! Years began to pass and as I came out of my shell and interacting with people, I began to notice more things that didn’t match up. I really liked one quote an individual diagnosed with Asperger’s said. She said “It felt like I was living life in hard mode.” That’s exactly how I felt. As I watched my peers effortlessly breeze through the social scene, I was envious. Everything was a calculated move for me. Planned out conversation topics. How long should I make eye contact? What did that joke mean? What does she think of me? What do I talk about? Despite that, my conversations were often a cluttered awkward mess of strangely placed questions, random jokes, awkward pauses. The only time I became very passionate was when I got to talk about the things I were interested in. To this day, I have never dated and still have no interest in pursuing romance. In fact, it terrifies me.

    I still hardly wear make up because I don’t really like the way it feels on my face and it takes too much time. I’d rather be doing other things I consider more important. I wear a lot of oversized, loose clothing because it’s comfy and I don’t like the feeling of tight clothing. It feels suffocating.

    Now here I am. An almost 25 year old woman, finally thinking I’ve found the answer to all these years of confusion! The reason I would obsessively hunt down information, study, and spend hours on different interests such as Languages, Art, Guitar, Psychology, History. Wanting to soak in and absorb every ounce of information on the topics of interest. This is only a small bit of the story. But I’m excited and nervous to be posting here at the same time. I’m currently compiling notes and information about the topic and my research as I am now considering going in for an official diagnosis. But I’m scared and need some advice. How do I start going about doing this? How do I find the right person to go to for a diagnosis? I would deeply appreciate any advice and help in this. This is all a bit overwhelming but also a huge sense of relief that the answer may be right here in front of me. Thank you for listening to my story. :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2020
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  2. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    Welcome! I’m sure you’ll fit right in here :)
     
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  3. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well Known Chat Member, Welcomer of Newcomers V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process! :)

    The first thing you should do to pave way for a diagnosis, is try and find someone who specializes in Autism, not just any old Doctor, as many may dismiss your findings, which has happened to people here. Also, you should weigh the Pros & Cons of getting a Diagnosis. Many people that are here chose to stay undiagnosed or self-diagnosed because they saw no benefit to getting an official diagnosis done, or they simply couldn't find anyone to do it.
     
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  4. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    upload_2020-1-19_5-27-54.png
     
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  5. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Hi Morgan! Welcome to the forums.
     
  6. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member

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    Hi welcome to the Forum
     
  7. Nitro

    Nitro Admin/Immoral Turpitude Staff Member Admin V.I.P Member

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    Hi Morgan :)

    welcome to af.png
     
  8. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to Autism Forums!
     
  9. WittyAspie

    WittyAspie The One And Only V.I.P Member

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    Congratulations on your accomplishments and welcome to the site! Your physical location somewhat determines what advice you will receive concerning a diagnosis. The process can be quite different in different countries. You may find a bit more advice if you make a post specifically asking about the process since that post would be in a different section of the forums. Alternately, you may find a lot of information by looking at previous threads. Just make sure the advice is applicable where you live.
     
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  10. Morgan

    Morgan New Member

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    Thank you everyone for such a warm welcome! And thank you for the advice. I’ll be sure to post on another part of the forum and hunt down some relevant threads. :)
     
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  11. George Newman

    George Newman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome! Your post was great and we hope you continue to be brave and continue to post and reply.
     
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  12. VAW

    VAW Active Member

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    Hi Morgan, welcome to the forum.... People are wonderful here! I have learned so much from people here, and everyone seems so friendly. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do. (even though I am not an Aspie, my son is the one who is.)
     
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