Hello

[Kevin L.]

I need help, and don't know how to get it or who to ask.

I am an older man with Asperger's, who has diagnosed later in life, and I'm having considerable work problems because of my autism.

My family is not supportive.

My mother, for example, would say: "People with Asperger's have special interests, at which they excell. All you have to do is make ' being normal' your special interest, and then you'll be normal. That's why you choose to be autistic, and if you choose to have Asperger's, then you have no sympathy from me because you choose to be autistic. It's your problem."

I get this, in one form or another, from my employers and co-workers.

Florida is a right-to-work state.

Where can I get help?

 

[Nitro]

 

[Kevin L.]

Thank you for welcoming me.

 

[WittyAspie]

Welcome! Sorry to hear you are having trouble at work. It is a familiar story here. Hopefully someone from your locale can direct you to some good resources.

 

[Streetwise]

you need to go to welfare benefits (not !!!!!government )volunteer org as they will not be living in fairyland like some professionals are .psychologists are good as they can only work without medicines
so they might give your dunderheaded (ignorant selfish) family a way to know AUTISM is a genetic condition .

 

[Kevin L.]

I get into situations that no one else would have a problem with. Here is a situation where I get fired because I follow the rules.

I once was a security guard in a library, and the library has very strict rules against people sleeping. This aparantly comes from an issue with alcoholics and drug addicts treating the library as their personal crash pad after indulging in their substances. In order to be fair (it is, after all, a public building), we have to eject eveyone who has been caught sleeping.

I catch a patron sleeping, and I ask him to leave. He apologizes, and shows me his medical alert bracelet and ID card which tells me that he is a narcoleptic, and he fell asleep because of his narcolepsy.

I let him stay...and get pulled into the manager's office and written up because there is no such thing as an exception.

A few weeks go by, and an elderly man comes in with his wife. The old man is rather spry, but he hired a nurse to take his wife out of the nursing home...and she has a gastric feeding tube, weighs about 85 pounds, and is completely out of it because she has end-stage Alzheimer's and doesn't talk or move.

Evidentally, he liked to hire a nurse and wheelchair van to take her away from the nursing home every now and then because he loves her and wants to take her with him through their daily routines once in a while.

I thought it was romantic, loving, and nice.

I also didn't kick them out when she dozed off...not that there was much of a difference anyway.

When the manager sees that I didn't kick them out, he pulls me into the office, and I'll never forget what he said:

"There's no such thing as an exception to the rules. It's better if something bad happens because you followed the rules then for something good to happen if you break the rules...because the rules are an absolute. You are not being paid to think, you are just being paid to do. If I have a choice of promoting two people, and one person is better at doing their job and one person is better at following the rules...I'll promote the person who is better at following the rules even if he is a mediocre and/or substandard employee.
If you're ever in a situation where you have no choice but to break the rules...then I'm going to be trying to find out what you deliberately did or said to make it neccessary to break the rules.
"If you're too stupid to understand that, then you're too stupid to work here as a security guard, and that's saying a lot. Now, get the hell out of my office and get back to work."

Here is why I get fired for following the rules: I kicked a woman out of the library because her baby was sleeping in the baby carriage. I started checking baby carriages to make sure the babies were awake, and a woman complained that I told her she could stay if she woke up her baby...which was true.

I don't want to be told that I don't have common sense...because if common sense doesn't work with the narcoleptic, and common sense doesn't work with an elderly, demented, paralyzed woman (being cared for by her nurse) in a wheelchair...why would common sense work for a baby in a baby carriage?

Evidentally, there is some difference between a baby in a baby pram and an elderly, paralyzed, demented woman in a wheelchair when it comes to sleeping in the library...and I don't see what the difference is.

Everyone seemed to think that I was being "passive-aggressive", which wasn't true...or that I was trying to be "funny"...or that I was looking to get fired intentionally so that I could have an excuse to avoid work.

And so on.

No one can accept that I don't see a difference between a baby in a pram and an elderly, demented, paralyzed woman in a wheelchair when it comes to sleeping in the library.

If I could see the difference, I believe I wouldn't get fired all the time.

Thank you for reading this lengthy post.

 

[Streetwise]

we will always be outcasts

 

[Kevin L.]

Do you see a difference?

 

[Streetwise]

well i think nts make life too complicated for themselves so autistic people are treated as a burden
i know most people see me as an outcast

 

[Kevin L.]

Thank you for answering.

 

[Lady Penelope]

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I got accused of being passive aggressive by a manager because he told me all outgoing correspondence must be approved by him.
Apparently he meant only correspondence he wanted to see...i am not a mind reader so i gave him everything. I was called in and repremanded. Still have no idea what he meant...
I think you showed compassion and I'd rather be fired for being a good person than hurt other people and follow ridiculous rules.

 

[Kevin L.]

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I got accused of being passive aggressive by a manager because he told me all outgoing correspondence must be approved by him.
Apparently he meant only correspondence he wanted to see...i am not a mind reader so i gave him everything. I was called in and repremanded. Still have no idea what he meant...
I think you showed compassion and I'd rather be fired for being a good person than hurt other people and follow ridiculous rules.

Thank you...but I would like to keep a job.

My father always told me growing up that just because sombody else does something that's wrong...doesn't give me a reason to do something that's wrong.

I try to do my job ( and follow policy), and always get excoriated for it.

How do I go to my boss and ask: "which policies do you want me to disregard so I can keep my job?"

That question sounds stupid...even to me.

 

[Lady Penelope]

I did not mean to suggest you should continue and risk losing your job...my apologies.
Does your manager know you have aspergers? Is there an option for you to explain the situation regarding sleeping patrons and illustrate the misunderstanding?
Perhaps you could suggest they be thought of as guidelines rather than strict rules with room for discretion?
Although from what you wrote your manager seems not to be interested in further discussion.... who does he report to? Could you raise the issue with someone higher up in the food chain?

 

[Kevin L.]

This was just an example.

When I've tried to ask, I get the following:

1) If you're smart enough to multiply and divide large numbers in your head, speak other languages fluently, and know eveything there is to know about light bulbs...then you're smart enought to know the difference between a baby in a carriage and a woman in a wheelchair. You're stupid when it's conveinent to be stupid, and smart when it's conveinient to be smart.
2) if you're too stupid to see the difference, you're too stupid to work here.
3) You're playing a game to get fired so that you can be a victim and not be a productive adult.
4) you're trying to be funny ( ie: passive-aggressive).
5) You're trying to make people feel sorry for you so that you can wallow in pity.
6) if the whole rest of the world can see the difference, then you can see the difference. The only reason why you don't see a difference is because you choose to not see a difference...and if you choose to not see a difference..then me telling you won't change anything. You deserve to get fired.
7) No one else in the world has this issue. Just you.

And so on.

My family has always talked to me this way, so it isn't like I can go to them.

 

[Lady Penelope]

Do you feel there might be any benefit in providing literature on how autism and asperger's reasoning differs from neurotypicals to your manager?

It sounds very discriminating and unprofessional. Do you have HR or workplace advocates? They might be able to speak on your behalf.

The responses you listed are from lack of information and ignorance of the condition. Educating them might help their attitude...if they are willing to listen. That's always difficult as you are at the mercy of their desire to improve. Most zombies are content to remain ignorant.

 

[Kevin L.]

Thank you, but I've tried.

I'm an easy worker to replace, and high-functioning autism isn't specifically protected by the EEOC.

I have a degree and credentials, but they don't help me deal with these issues and I seemed condemned to low-level, dead-end jobs.

How do I tell the difference between a baby in a pram and an elderly, demented, paralyzed women in a wheelchair...for the purpose of sleeping in the library?

 

[Kevin L.]

Thank you for answering.

I've tried doing such things over the years, but it always seems to come down to business.

Having to deal with this issues isn't "cost effective", and making special rules--just for me--wouldn't be fair to the other employees.

If they make special exceptions just for me, other employees might sue for unfair treatment.

"We don't want to let you go, but it's a business decision," is something I've heard so often that it makes me ill.

Thank you for listening.

 

[xudo]

Welcome

I can't help with your work situation as I don't work and I live in the UK. I'm sorry that your Mother would say something so stupid as 'choosing to be autistic'.

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome to AC! @Kevin L. there are wonderful supports for adults, but few know of them.

Contact your state's Department of Developmental Services.
Expect a wait of several months after you submit application and documentation of formal diagnosis.... but then, positive things start happening quickly! Autism agencies which China help adults, support groups, supports and accommodations for work, all start coming together for an adult based on agencies in your area. When autistic adults feel understood, valued, and supported, our lives get do much better.

While waiting for your state Dep. of Developmental Services to process your application and documents:

Contact the closest chapter of The Arc.
Ask them if they have an "Autism NOW Center", or which local Arc has one closest to you.

The Arc has support staff and advocates to help you get supports and accommodations at work. (Examples might be sensory, social, or task performance accommodations and supports.... private office or cubicle, dimmer lighting to reduce glare, instructions to you to be written rather than spoken, a wiggle/fidget chair to accommodate sensory needs, etc.)

If you have a formal diagnosis, there are many ways The Arc can support you. There may be adult ASD social groups, special interest groups, volunteer opportunities, etc.

You are not alone. I understand and respect that you didn't "choose" to be autistic. Many of us here will relate to how you feel.

I'm glad you've joined us!

 

[Kevin L.]

Thank you very much.