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Hello, my name is Brian, I am new here.

Jonn said:
He comes across as a nice guy, but I am not sure he is naive about what he wants.
Rather, what he wants sounds like it is fairly scarce.
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I do think he's naive in several ways, but it would be impolite of me to explain why -- it's an introduction thread, after all -- so I'll let it drop.
 
You might have to start developing some career ambitions even though you think you don't enjoy that type of thing. For one thing, what would you do if you weren't living with your parents? I live with my parents too because of my agoraphobia, but I know that they ultimately want to see me succeed and "leave the nest" and get married and all that good stuff. All I know is it might actually be good for you to become independent and have some source of happiness and fulfillment besides finding a girlfriend. It might seem like a cruel joke that you have to not be specifically looking for something in order to find it, but that's just how it is sometimes. Accepting that will probably make you a lot happier, actually. I struggle with that as well, since I don't naturally have any career ambitions either. I just know that if I want to support a family someday, I have to build a career and become independent (especially hard with my agoraphobia, but it must be done).

That being said, maybe all this only applies to me. I'm not entirely sure of your situation. Only you can be totally sure of that.
 
Isaac said:
You might have to start developing some career ambitions even though you think you don't enjoy that type of thing.
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The bottom line:
He is entitled to live the life he wants.

I believe he is aware of the consequences of his unusual approach.
I am not sure that trying to make him change the way he is is profitable or doable.
I may have missed it, but did he actually ask for advice, or did he simply state what he is looking for?

BTW:
Finding a partner is not the be-all, end-all.
Romantic relationships have become uber fashionable in these modern times, but social conditioning has a lot to do with that.

It is refreshing to see someone who is looking, but isn't destroyed by not having a relationship. :cool:
 
Isaac said:
You might have to start developing some career ambitions even though you think you don't enjoy that type of thing. For one thing, what would you do if you weren't living with your parents? I live with my parents too because of my agoraphobia, but I know that they ultimately want to see me succeed and "leave the nest" and get married and all that good stuff. All I know is it might actually be good for you to become independent and have some source of happiness and fulfillment besides finding a girlfriend. It might seem like a cruel joke that you have to not be specifically looking for something in order to find it, but that's just how it is sometimes. Accepting that will probably make you a lot happier, actually. I struggle with that as well, since I don't naturally have any career ambitions either. I just know that if I want to support a family someday, I have to build a career and become independent (especially hard with my agoraphobia, but it must be done).

That being said, maybe all this only applies to me. I'm not entirely sure of your situation. Only you can be totally sure of that.
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I don't mind advice and thank you. I wish I was in a more expansive mood and could write longer. In truth I tried the normal life career thing for a long time. It broke me in every way possible. I am no longer that type of person. So I know what I can and cannot do. My life is limited from here on out. I get that.

Thank you for writing :)
 
BrianWV39 said:
I don't mind advice and thank you. I wish I was in a more expansive mood and could write longer. In truth I tried the normal life career thing for a long time. It broke me in every way possible. I am no longer that type of person. So I know what I can and cannot do. My life is limited from here on out. I get that.

Thank you for writing :)
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You do seem to know what you want/need.
"Your life...Your choice..." :cool:
 
I mean, if you can survive independently from your parents, that's the main thing. If you can't, that's a problem that can't really be ignored. That being said, I think I did talk out of turn, and I apologize for that.
 
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BrianWV39 said:
I don't mind advice and thank you. I wish I was in a more expansive mood and could write longer. In truth I tried the normal life career thing for a long time. It broke me in every way possible. I am no longer that type of person. So I know what I can and cannot do. My life is limited from here on out. I get that.

Thank you for writing :)
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I am a little confused.
Didn't you say you have no interest in changing the way you are, and simply want to find a woman who will accept you the way you are?
 
Actually... Um, I meant to send these replies to the "One trend in my life that I've unfortunately grown accustomed to." thread... I have absolutely no idea how I ended up here. Sorry about that.
 
Jonn said:
I am a little confused.
Didn't you say you have no interest in changing the way you are, and simply want to find a woman who will accept you the way you are?
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I hate to level with you, but I am not trying to lead some grand movement or argue that men should never want to improve for any reason. I have sort of been forced into this position. I desired friends, a relationship a normal life very much. I fought very hard and struggled a great deal for it. I suffered unspeakable frustration, anxiety, sadness, and depression during those years. I was autistic and more than just a little different. I never really had a chance. I finally broke when I was 36 and started having panic attacks at work. After that I never could get my anxiety level low enough again to work with people.

Goodbye living on my own, goodbye ever having a girlfriend or a wife, goodbye normal life. That is what I figured when I moved back in with my parents at the age of 36. I just could not deal with the anxiety and pain at work anymore. I gave up the biggest dream of my life because I was suffering immense stomach pain that I could no longer find bearable during a workday. It is amazing the kind of emotional trauma you are willing to put yourself through if it removes an immense physical pain- anything to stop the pain. Look the point is I gave a normal life and all of that as honest of a go as I possibly could have. I never took off. I am autistic and neurodivergent. It was bound to happen.

The funny thing is my whole problem was I wanted a girlfriend and friends so much. I never really had the capacity for them, not in a fully adult sense. I'm too different, in any conventional relationship I would never be able to keep up. I was two years older than most of my college friends, when I was 23 and they were all mostly 21 I was having a super hard time keeping up. By the time graduation came I was so far behind socially. By 24 I wasn't friends with any of them. I mean not much of a surprise. It was always going to happen to me eventually.

So, in truth I am a deeply traumatized autistic man who is a year away from forty having never had a girlfriend before with no ability to live a normal life or play the game to any degree.
 
BrianWV39 said:
So, in truth I am a deeply traumatized autistic man who is a year away from forty having never had a girlfriend before with no ability to live a normal life or play the game to any degree.
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I have been abused horrendously throughout my life since the age of 5, but "Me strong like bull", now.
But then, I am a lot older than you, so give it time.
It isn't easy being green or autistic.
 
Maybe a neurotypical girl might be just for you...I mean according to many aspies neurotypical women stereotypically have no interests except sex, getting high and if it isn't sports then music. Easy, no?
 
BrianWV39 said:
I hate to level with you, but I am not trying to lead some grand movement or argue that men should never want to improve for any reason. I have sort of been forced into this position. I desired friends, a relationship a normal life very much. I fought very hard and struggled a great deal for it. I suffered unspeakable frustration, anxiety, sadness, and depression during those years. I was autistic and more than just a little different. I never really had a chance. I finally broke when I was 36 and started having panic attacks at work. After that I never could get my anxiety level low enough again to work with people.

Goodbye living on my own, goodbye ever having a girlfriend or a wife, goodbye normal life. That is what I figured when I moved back in with my parents at the age of 36. I just could not deal with the anxiety and pain at work anymore. I gave up the biggest dream of my life because I was suffering immense stomach pain that I could no longer find bearable during a workday. It is amazing the kind of emotional trauma you are willing to put yourself through if it removes an immense physical pain- anything to stop the pain. Look the point is I gave a normal life and all of that as honest of a go as I possibly could have. I never took off. I am autistic and neurodivergent. It was bound to happen.

The funny thing is my whole problem was I wanted a girlfriend and friends so much. I never really had the capacity for them, not in a fully adult sense. I'm too different, in any conventional relationship I would never be able to keep up. I was two years older than most of my college friends, when I was 23 and they were all mostly 21 I was having a super hard time keeping up. By the time graduation came I was so far behind socially. By 24 I wasn't friends with any of them. I mean not much of a surprise. It was always going to happen to me eventually.

So, in truth I am a deeply traumatized autistic man who is a year away from forty having never had a girlfriend before with no ability to live a normal life or play the game to any degree.
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Now it makes more sense why you have trouble with working, but it could be possible to find a job that is more manageable for your anxiety. What was your job when you were having panic attacks at work? Do you know specifically why you were having those panic attacks?

As for how you present yourself online, you could talk specifically about the kind of music you're into or what your favourite genres are. You could say that you're "420 friendly" rather than that you love weed.

Even if true, I think saying "I love sex" is optically bad for a profile. Most men love sex so that's kind of a given. If you really wanted to touch on that, you could say something like "I'm an affectionate person who loves physical intimacy".

As for reading and writing, if you're only interested in reading and writing about getting a girlfriend and nothing else, then reading and writing is more of a means to an end rather than an actual interest.

You could also mention your degrees, that you're "childfree" and that you like exercising and staying in shape. Including all of this is a decent foundation for a dating profile.

Us autistics tend to be quite blunt, and are more prone to overlook the fact that how we say or convey something is sometimes just as important as what we say or convey. In a dating profile bio, there are two things we want to optimise for. One is getting information across that we want to convey to the reader, and the other is crafting it so that it is as well-received as possible by the reader.
 
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Wizardry said:
Now it makes more sense why you have trouble with working, but it could be possible to find a job that is more manageable for your anxiety. What was your job when you were having panic attacks at work? Do you know specifically why you were having those panic attacks?

As for how you present yourself online, you could talk specifically about the kind of music you're into or what your favourite genres are. You could say that you're "420 friendly" rather than that you love weed.

Even if true, I think saying "I love sex" is optically bad for a profile. Most men love sex so that's kind of a given. If you really wanted to touch on that, you could say something like "I'm an affectionate person who loves physical intimacy".

As for reading and writing, if you're only interested in reading and writing about getting a girlfriend and nothing else, then reading and writing is more of a means to an end rather than an actual interest.

You could also mention your degrees, that you're "childfree" and that you like exercising and staying in shape. Including all of this is a decent foundation for a dating profile.

Us autistics tend to be quite blunt, and are more prone to overlook the fact that how we say or convey something is sometimes just as important as what we say or convey. In a dating profile bio, there are two things we want to optimise for. One is getting information across that we want to convey to the reader, and the other is crafting it so that it is as well-received as possible by the reader.
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I am happy with the person I am :)
 
BrianWV39 said:
I am happy with who I am; just looking for the right person now :)
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You are looking, but it seems like few people are looking back.

If you were grocery shopping I wonder which display would appeal to you?

A. flesh ripped from a castrated male bovine
or
B. prime rib

What I'm saying is, style of presentation matters.
 
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