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Hello, I'm new here.

Princess Viola

Well-Known Member
Hello, my name's Viola (pronounced Vee-o-la, not Vy-o-la, by the way) and I'm a 26 year old transfeminine enby (I use both she/her and they/them pronouns) who's also a self-diagnosed autistic.

I'd basically been struggling with something my entire life but I didn't know what (and, I'll be honest, being a 'gifted' child didn't help because I was apparently supposed to be 'smart' and therefore that somehow meant I was supposed to not have problems or be able to deal with them myself? Nor did me thinking that my struggles and problems I was dealing with were something everybody dealt with). But back when I was around 16-17 years old, some users on another forum I used to be active on made a thread about an online autism test, I believe it was the Autism Quotient Test to be exact, and I took it and, while I don't 100% remember what the score I got was, it was well into the 'high likelihood of autistic traits' area of the possible score on the AQ. At the time, I didn't think anything of it really because it's just a random online quiz, everyone's probably a little bit autistic so me scoring so high doesn't mean anything, if I was autistic, I'd have been diagnosed in childhood, etc.

But even then, the whole thought of 'OK but what if that test was saying something and you actually are autistic? You did score pretty high, after all.' kept periodically popping up in my mind, no matter how much I tried to ignore it. And it all came to a head in late-2021, I actively started to research and do a deep dive into autism and so much of what I was reading reminded me of myself and how I've been my entire life. Then came me starting to lurk autistic communities online (nervously, at first, because it honestly felt like I was intruding in a place I didn't belong), talking to some of my autistic friends, etc. where so much of the actual autistic experiences, behavior, etc. I was reading and learning about were, once again, things that I do, ways I behave, interact with others, etc. It's all stuff I thought was things that everyone does or was like. I even eventually became accepting of self-diagnosis because I wasn't aware of all the potential barriers (and other reasons) why many people may not want or be able to get a professional diagnosis.

Despite all this though, I couldn't self-diagnose myself. It's like my brain kept telling me 'You're just faking all this, it's all in your head.' and that if I declared myself as autistic, I'd immediately be exposed as a fraud and a faker by the real autistics and then everyone would know me as 'the woman who faked autism' and nothing else. Even if I were to get a professional diagnosis, I kept thinking 'That wouldn't matter, you'd still be a faker. It'd just mean you faked so good you could trick a professional' and it was just so frustrating, I was just so full of self-doubt and imposter syndrome.

Anyways, I was recommended the book Unmasking Autism by someone when I posted about my struggles with imposter syndrome and, to try and make a long story short, I both loved and hated that damn book. I loved it because of just how...empowering it felt to me as I read it but I also hated it because so much of the stuff written in it, the stories the author wrote about himself and other autistic experiences were so similar to mine in many ways and I hated knowing that there was clearly something going on with me my entire life that had gone unanswered. (I actually had to stop reading the book halfway through because it was getting too real for me). But, reading that book and having digested it after a few days finally gave me the courage to push past the imposter syndrome and admit to myself the three words I was struggling to say: I am autistic.

And even though it hasn't even been a month since I've accepted myself as autistic, it's so incredibly liberating. I've finally figured out and can admit to myself the reason for so many of the struggles I've had and my behaviors throughout my entire life to this day. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, putting my struggles aside, I do often still suffer from imposter syndrome and worry that I'm intruding in autistic spaces by being self-diagnosed (I'll admit, it's taken me about a week of lurking to work up the courage to join this forum) but still.

Oh, yeah I should probably post a bit more about me beyond my whole journey of realizing I was autistic. Well, my main interests are magical girl anime and manga, Transformers, retrogaming, 1980s and 1990s technology, 1980s fashion, French history (primarily that of the Ancien Regime + Marie Antoinette specifically; I actually like history in general but one of my main subjects of interest is this part of history), vintage anime and manga (mostly 70s, 80s, and 90s series), Doctor Who (I have a bit of a preference for Classic Who, but Modern Who is good too), tokusatsu and Power Rangers, and trains (yeah, I know really playing into the stereotype right there, but I can't help it. I've loved trains since childhood and that includes Thomas & Friends, I don't care who knows it).

I can't really think of anything else to say here, but I am looking forward to participating on these boards. I really like internet forums and really wish they weren't slowly dying in favor of social media like Twitter or chat programs like Discord.
 
@Princess Viola

Hello - There are lots of people on here who have been diagnosed later in life and self diagnosed as well on here .

It seems Asperger’s maybe something that pertains to your traits . Which is no longer included in the DSM anymore . It’s considered part of the Autism spectrum now , and rightly so .

There are lots of threads with helpful information and personal experience stories .

If you ever need advice on anything I can help you with let me know .
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Welcome!

We're a pretty diverse group in a multitude of ways. Glad to have you join us.

(By the way, it was several months after my diagnosis that I joined, so you are far braver than I was)
 
Welcome!

We're a pretty diverse group in a multitude of ways. Glad to have you join us.

(By the way, it was several months after my diagnosis that I joined, so you are far braver than I was)
Wouldn't call it brave, I just have a tendency to eventually make a decision sooner rather than later because otherwise it'll just eat at me if I don't make the choice (of course, there are certain other decisions I have yet to make over fears)

Welcome! I was diagnosed years ago as an adult and I still feel like an imposter. Maybe it goes away eventually!
If only!
 
Welcome Princess Viola
Very nice intro. It's a lot of diverse interests you have. @Markness just mentioned a convention he recently went to. You may have things in common.
 
Greetings! You sound lovely, and it's great that you've found us. I lurked for about a month before joining, so you jumped in sooner than I did. I completely agree on forums. This format suits me much better than more transient social media spaces. As you might have noticed, this site has a great search function.

Having difficulties accepting autism is very common among the members here, and I'm no exception. The teachers at both kindergarten and elementary school noticed there was something "weird" about me (didn't draw, rolled bread into a clump, didn't connect with other kids, seemed less empathetic, though I was actually the opposite) but I never got officially diagnosed, mostly because they thought it was ADHD (I'm guessing the teachers didn't know much about autism back then) and my new age hippy mother was worried I would be put on medication. When I was getting into my early teens, my mother lent me a book written by a teen with Aspergers as she thought I might have it, but since it was just one perspective and I didn't really relate, it ended up having the opposite effect, and I shelved the idea for a few years. It wasn't until I started a relationship with someone that I started thinking about it more seriously. She had strong suspicions while I was very resistant. When the relationship was breaking down at the end, I saw a psychologist speciallizing in the autism spectrum who straight up told me I am autistic (though it wasn't a diagnosis).
Even then, and despite nominally agreeing, I still felt like an imposter like you. It wasn't till a few years ago later (last year) when I read the "useful notes" section on Aspergers in TVTropes.org that I saw how, yeah, I'm probably autistic, as it described me to a T. That's when I started lurking here after they linked to this site, and finally joining the wonderful community here and seeing how much I relate to members here is what has led me to accept that yes, I am autistic.
Do you have a magical girl as your profile picture? It's very pretty. There are a lot of members here who are into anime, and you might have noticed that we have an anime thread which has been quite active as of late. Same with history (we even have a history teacher on the forums) and gaming (old and new). I hope you don't mind me asking, but what does "transfeminine emby" mean? I've never heard the term. Is emby a shortening of something?
You sound lovely, and I hope you'll stick around. I feel like this forum is the perfect size, and it's quite active. Welcome!
 
Self diagnosis is 100% okay just as long as you go about it in a believable way (which you are, I’m assuming). Many adults on here were later diagnosed in life or are self dxed (again, okay as it isn’t self dxing a serious condition like bipolar, psychosis, or delusions)
 
Do you have a magical girl as your profile picture? It's very pretty. There are a lot of members here who are into anime, and you might have noticed that we have an anime thread which has been quite active as of late. Same with history (we even have a history teacher on the forums) and gaming (old and new). I hope you don't mind me asking, but what does "transfeminine emby" mean? I've never heard the term. Is emby a shortening of something?
You sound lovely, and I hope you'll stick around. I feel like this forum is the perfect size, and it's quite active. Welcome!
Nah, my avatar is Lum from Urusei Yatsura dressed in 80s fashion. It's an illustration from the DVD releases of the new Urusei Yatsura series where, depending on where you buy the DVD Box set, you get an exclusive illustration of her dressed in 80s, 90s, 2000s, or modern fashion.

And transfeminine enby means 'transfeminine non-binary'. I was assigned male at birth but my gender identity and how others should see and view myself as is feminine. Although I'll also often call myself a woman because, for me at the very least, I consider womanhood to encompass feminine gender identities overall (and I also don't mind or care if people call me a woman either).

Self diagnosis is 100% okay just as long as you go about it in a believable way (which you are, I’m assuming). Many adults on here were later diagnosed in life or are self dxed (again, okay as it isn’t self dxing a serious condition like bipolar, psychosis, or delusions)
Yeah, I'm not one of those 'I watched a single (likely bad) video' and then just self-dxed myself as autistic based on that types. And I couldn't even imagine self-diagnosing something serious, that just seems crazy dumb (and possibly dangerous if you self-dx in order to self-medicate).
 
Yeah, I'm not one of those 'I watched a single (likely bad) video' and then just self-dxed myself as autistic based on that types. And I couldn't even imagine self-diagnosing something serious, that just seems crazy dumb (and possibly dangerous if you self-dx in order to self-medicate).
winner winner!
 
Hey @Princess Viola :) Welcome! It's cool that you like retro gaming and 80's 90's technology :) That's the sort of thing I'm very much in to!

Do you have any favourite retro machines? I like 8bit computers, things like the ZX Spectrum, C64 MSX and Amstrad CPC.
 
Hey @Princess Viola :) Welcome! It's cool that you like retro gaming and 80's 90's technology :) That's the sort of thing I'm very much in to!

Do you have any favourite retro machines? I like 8bit computers, things like the ZX Spectrum, C64 MSX and Amstrad CPC.
I will actually be 100% open and admit I've no actual experience using any retro machines (I mean I got a clock radio from the late 70s, an 8-track player/recorder and AM/FM receiver from...IDK when exactly think late 70s too, and a couple CRTs from the 80s but I don't think that's what you're talking about by retro machines), only emulation (money and space reasons, really), so I don't really think I can necessarily say what my faves are cuz IDK I can say 'I like the games or software of [x machine]' I've emulated but since I've never actually used the original hardware, IDK I feel like I can't necessarily say something is my fave machine or hardware.
 
I will actually be 100% open and admit I've no actual experience using any retro machines (I mean I got a clock radio from the late 70s, an 8-track player/recorder and AM/FM receiver from...IDK when exactly think late 70s too, and a couple CRTs from the 80s but I don't think that's what you're talking about by retro machines), only emulation (money and space reasons, really), so I don't really think I can necessarily say what my faves are cuz IDK I can say 'I like the games or software of [x machine]' I've emulated but since I've never actually used the original hardware, IDK I feel like I can't necessarily say something is my fave machine or hardware.
I used to chat with someone a while back but I lost touch with her. She loved CRTs! I like them too! I have my original computer monitor from when my dad bought me my first computer for my 11th birthday (I still have the computer too!). I like to watch old programs from my childhood on them sometimes, I use an HDMI to composite adapter to do this.

I also have a flat mini CRT, it essentially projects sideways rather than from the back. But I started to set it up and it's not working :-( I think the bridge rectifier diodes have gone bad. I may be able to fix it though.

Emulation is cool! It can be tough to store bulky machines and they don't always work without problems so emulators are a good way to enjoy retro games and not have the fuss of maintaining old machines.

Have you heard of the MISTer FPGA? It's a bit pricey to obtain buy it's a really cool way of getting the authenticity of the original machines without the drawbacks. It's like an emulator, but instead you simulate the machines, so in theory all the same transistors are connected together the same way. You just load a new core and the FPGA rewires itself to become a new machine! :)
 
I used to chat with someone a while back but I lost touch with her. She loved CRTs! I like them too! I have my original computer monitor from when my dad bought me my first computer for my 11th birthday (I still have the computer too!). I like to watch old programs from my childhood on them sometimes, I use an HDMI to composite adapter to do this.

I also have a flat mini CRT, it essentially projects sideways rather than from the back. But I started to set it up and it's not working :-( I think the bridge rectifier diodes have gone bad. I may be able to fix it though.

Emulation is cool! It can be tough to store bulky machines and they don't always work without problems so emulators are a good way to enjoy retro games and not have the fuss of maintaining old machines.

Have you heard of the MISTer FPGA? It's a bit pricey to obtain buy it's a really cool way of getting the authenticity of the original machines without the drawbacks. It's like an emulator, but instead you simulate the machines, so in theory all the same transistors are connected together the same way. You just load a new core and the FPGA rewires itself to become a new machine! :)
Oh yeah, I have very much heard of the MISTer FPGA but considering the price, it's one of those 'would be cool to get one day but no way I'd get one right now' things.

And yeah emulation is great. I know it's not 100% the same thing, but it's why I'm not too worried if the late 90s gaming PC that I didn't even know I had (it's a random story that isn't very interesting at all) turns out to be broken beyond repair or something. I can still play those games on my modern gaming laptop, but I'd just like to play them on period-accurate hardware and possibly not have to fiddle too much with compatability and mods to get them running on Windows 10.

(Also not ashamed to admit the main TV I use in the living room is a CRT still. Hey as long as it works.)
 
Oh yeah, I have very much heard of the MISTer FPGA but considering the price, it's one of those 'would be cool to get one day but no way I'd get one right now' things.

And yeah emulation is great. I know it's not 100% the same thing, but it's why I'm not too worried if the late 90s gaming PC that I didn't even know I had (it's a random story that isn't very interesting at all) turns out to be broken beyond repair or something. I can still play those games on my modern gaming laptop, but I'd just like to play them on period-accurate hardware and possibly not have to fiddle too much with compatability and mods to get them running on Windows 10.

(Also not ashamed to admit the main TV I use in the living room is a CRT still. Hey as long as it works.)
There is a cheaper alternative, not quite as good but it's a lot cheaper and probably 80-90% of what you get with the MISTer. It's called the SIDI FPGA. It has some benefits, like you can get RGB SCART natively via the included SEGA Genesis RGB port. Here's a link.. SiDi - ManuFerHi
I have one myself, it was just the board on its own so was cheaper, but it looks like it's now sold with a case. Still not bad value though! :)

It's cool you still use a CRT as your main TV! You definitely shouldn't be ashamed! I would probably use one too but the electricity consumption is a bit of an issue these days. I do prefer the contrast and black levels on CRTs, LCDs are super convenient but not quite as good in a lot of ways :)
 
There is a cheaper alternative, not quite as good but it's a lot cheaper and probably 80-90% of what you get with the MISTer. It's called the SIDI FPGA. It has some benefits, like you can get RGB SCART natively via the included SEGA Genesis RGB port. Here's a link.. SiDi - ManuFerHi
I have one myself, it was just the board on its own so was cheaper, but it looks like it's now sold with a case. Still not bad value though! :)

It's cool you still use a CRT as your main TV! You definitely shouldn't be ashamed! I would probably use one too but the electricity consumption is a bit of an issue these days. I do prefer the contrast and black levels on CRTs, LCDs are super convenient but not quite as good in a lot of ways :)
Ah, yeah the SIDI FPGA. Never heard of it, but it seems interesting and is quite cheaper than the MISTer. Might give some consideration into getting that.

And yeah, I'm not at all ashamed or embarrassed about still using a CRT as my main set. I won't deny all the advantages you can get with modern TVs (I mean I own a 4K set that's supposed to replace the CRT at some point, although we'd have to get a bigger TV table and we'd have to find a place to put the old table and the CRT, possibly move other stuff because the TV would be pretty far away from the couch [of course it is a 43 inch set but still, I'm talking having the new TV table like a foot or two forward], so you can see why we haven't done any of this yet. And I got two smaller 720p sets for the bedrooms but only one of them is hooked up and the other one is still in its box, just like the 4K set, so I'm well aware of the advantages) but you know, I guess I just like CRTs. If anyone was weird enough to be bothered by me using a CRT, well it's not like it somehow affects them. (Really the worst I've had to deal with is light teasing from friends online, like telling me I'm not allowed to say other people's TV decisions are weird considering I use a CRT)
 

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