Princess Viola
Dumbass Asexual
Hello, my name's Viola (pronounced Vee-o-la, not Vy-o-la, by the way) and I'm a 26 year old transfeminine enby (I use both she/her and they/them pronouns) who's also a self-diagnosed autistic.
I'd basically been struggling with something my entire life but I didn't know what (and, I'll be honest, being a 'gifted' child didn't help because I was apparently supposed to be 'smart' and therefore that somehow meant I was supposed to not have problems or be able to deal with them myself? Nor did me thinking that my struggles and problems I was dealing with were something everybody dealt with). But back when I was around 16-17 years old, some users on another forum I used to be active on made a thread about an online autism test, I believe it was the Autism Quotient Test to be exact, and I took it and, while I don't 100% remember what the score I got was, it was well into the 'high likelihood of autistic traits' area of the possible score on the AQ. At the time, I didn't think anything of it really because it's just a random online quiz, everyone's probably a little bit autistic so me scoring so high doesn't mean anything, if I was autistic, I'd have been diagnosed in childhood, etc.
But even then, the whole thought of 'OK but what if that test was saying something and you actually are autistic? You did score pretty high, after all.' kept periodically popping up in my mind, no matter how much I tried to ignore it. And it all came to a head in late-2021, I actively started to research and do a deep dive into autism and so much of what I was reading reminded me of myself and how I've been my entire life. Then came me starting to lurk autistic communities online (nervously, at first, because it honestly felt like I was intruding in a place I didn't belong), talking to some of my autistic friends, etc. where so much of the actual autistic experiences, behavior, etc. I was reading and learning about were, once again, things that I do, ways I behave, interact with others, etc. It's all stuff I thought was things that everyone does or was like. I even eventually became accepting of self-diagnosis because I wasn't aware of all the potential barriers (and other reasons) why many people may not want or be able to get a professional diagnosis.
Despite all this though, I couldn't self-diagnose myself. It's like my brain kept telling me 'You're just faking all this, it's all in your head.' and that if I declared myself as autistic, I'd immediately be exposed as a fraud and a faker by the real autistics and then everyone would know me as 'the woman who faked autism' and nothing else. Even if I were to get a professional diagnosis, I kept thinking 'That wouldn't matter, you'd still be a faker. It'd just mean you faked so good you could trick a professional' and it was just so frustrating, I was just so full of self-doubt and imposter syndrome.
Anyways, I was recommended the book Unmasking Autism by someone when I posted about my struggles with imposter syndrome and, to try and make a long story short, I both loved and hated that damn book. I loved it because of just how...empowering it felt to me as I read it but I also hated it because so much of the stuff written in it, the stories the author wrote about himself and other autistic experiences were so similar to mine in many ways and I hated knowing that there was clearly something going on with me my entire life that had gone unanswered. (I actually had to stop reading the book halfway through because it was getting too real for me). But, reading that book and having digested it after a few days finally gave me the courage to push past the imposter syndrome and admit to myself the three words I was struggling to say: I am autistic.
And even though it hasn't even been a month since I've accepted myself as autistic, it's so incredibly liberating. I've finally figured out and can admit to myself the reason for so many of the struggles I've had and my behaviors throughout my entire life to this day. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, putting my struggles aside, I do often still suffer from imposter syndrome and worry that I'm intruding in autistic spaces by being self-diagnosed (I'll admit, it's taken me about a week of lurking to work up the courage to join this forum) but still.
Oh, yeah I should probably post a bit more about me beyond my whole journey of realizing I was autistic. Well, my main interests are magical girl anime and manga, Transformers, retrogaming, 1980s and 1990s technology, 1980s fashion, French history (primarily that of the Ancien Regime + Marie Antoinette specifically; I actually like history in general but one of my main subjects of interest is this part of history), vintage anime and manga (mostly 70s, 80s, and 90s series), Doctor Who (I have a bit of a preference for Classic Who, but Modern Who is good too), tokusatsu and Power Rangers, and trains (yeah, I know really playing into the stereotype right there, but I can't help it. I've loved trains since childhood and that includes Thomas & Friends, I don't care who knows it).
I can't really think of anything else to say here, but I am looking forward to participating on these boards. I really like internet forums and really wish they weren't slowly dying in favor of social media like Twitter or chat programs like Discord.
I'd basically been struggling with something my entire life but I didn't know what (and, I'll be honest, being a 'gifted' child didn't help because I was apparently supposed to be 'smart' and therefore that somehow meant I was supposed to not have problems or be able to deal with them myself? Nor did me thinking that my struggles and problems I was dealing with were something everybody dealt with). But back when I was around 16-17 years old, some users on another forum I used to be active on made a thread about an online autism test, I believe it was the Autism Quotient Test to be exact, and I took it and, while I don't 100% remember what the score I got was, it was well into the 'high likelihood of autistic traits' area of the possible score on the AQ. At the time, I didn't think anything of it really because it's just a random online quiz, everyone's probably a little bit autistic so me scoring so high doesn't mean anything, if I was autistic, I'd have been diagnosed in childhood, etc.
But even then, the whole thought of 'OK but what if that test was saying something and you actually are autistic? You did score pretty high, after all.' kept periodically popping up in my mind, no matter how much I tried to ignore it. And it all came to a head in late-2021, I actively started to research and do a deep dive into autism and so much of what I was reading reminded me of myself and how I've been my entire life. Then came me starting to lurk autistic communities online (nervously, at first, because it honestly felt like I was intruding in a place I didn't belong), talking to some of my autistic friends, etc. where so much of the actual autistic experiences, behavior, etc. I was reading and learning about were, once again, things that I do, ways I behave, interact with others, etc. It's all stuff I thought was things that everyone does or was like. I even eventually became accepting of self-diagnosis because I wasn't aware of all the potential barriers (and other reasons) why many people may not want or be able to get a professional diagnosis.
Despite all this though, I couldn't self-diagnose myself. It's like my brain kept telling me 'You're just faking all this, it's all in your head.' and that if I declared myself as autistic, I'd immediately be exposed as a fraud and a faker by the real autistics and then everyone would know me as 'the woman who faked autism' and nothing else. Even if I were to get a professional diagnosis, I kept thinking 'That wouldn't matter, you'd still be a faker. It'd just mean you faked so good you could trick a professional' and it was just so frustrating, I was just so full of self-doubt and imposter syndrome.
Anyways, I was recommended the book Unmasking Autism by someone when I posted about my struggles with imposter syndrome and, to try and make a long story short, I both loved and hated that damn book. I loved it because of just how...empowering it felt to me as I read it but I also hated it because so much of the stuff written in it, the stories the author wrote about himself and other autistic experiences were so similar to mine in many ways and I hated knowing that there was clearly something going on with me my entire life that had gone unanswered. (I actually had to stop reading the book halfway through because it was getting too real for me). But, reading that book and having digested it after a few days finally gave me the courage to push past the imposter syndrome and admit to myself the three words I was struggling to say: I am autistic.
And even though it hasn't even been a month since I've accepted myself as autistic, it's so incredibly liberating. I've finally figured out and can admit to myself the reason for so many of the struggles I've had and my behaviors throughout my entire life to this day. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, putting my struggles aside, I do often still suffer from imposter syndrome and worry that I'm intruding in autistic spaces by being self-diagnosed (I'll admit, it's taken me about a week of lurking to work up the courage to join this forum) but still.
Oh, yeah I should probably post a bit more about me beyond my whole journey of realizing I was autistic. Well, my main interests are magical girl anime and manga, Transformers, retrogaming, 1980s and 1990s technology, 1980s fashion, French history (primarily that of the Ancien Regime + Marie Antoinette specifically; I actually like history in general but one of my main subjects of interest is this part of history), vintage anime and manga (mostly 70s, 80s, and 90s series), Doctor Who (I have a bit of a preference for Classic Who, but Modern Who is good too), tokusatsu and Power Rangers, and trains (yeah, I know really playing into the stereotype right there, but I can't help it. I've loved trains since childhood and that includes Thomas & Friends, I don't care who knows it).
I can't really think of anything else to say here, but I am looking forward to participating on these boards. I really like internet forums and really wish they weren't slowly dying in favor of social media like Twitter or chat programs like Discord.
Welcome! It's cool that you like retro gaming and 80's 90's technology 
