Hello! Help?

[Sami]

hello,
My story real quick, I got married over a year ago and my marriage has gone from bad to worse. When we were dating my husband was always so busy with school and work, he hid his temper so well until we got married. Whenever things don't go his way there would be insane tantrums, (not physical at all). So I decided we should go to marriage counseling. As marriage counseling continued often my husband did not. After a while my counselor let me know that maybe my husband is actually autistic and told me all the reasons why. Like o said he has not been tested because he refuses.
She said this at one time when I was very upset and told the therapist that I realized everything he says he is mimicking. Whether it's a youtuber, a movie, something someone said to him. He says some of the worst things in social situations which he doesn't seem to realize is not appropriate for the moment. He is not capable of talking to me, unless it is about sports or about something. He not only shuts down when I ask him anything that asks for his own opinion to the point of it looks like he may be sick. He hides his face in his hands and looks like he may cry, often because I am begging him to just talk to me! About anything but sports. He has never once talked to me when I ask. He just holds his head and looks down.

He lies all the time about things too, pretends he has watched a movie while only wiki looking it up. He will watch a movie and not laugh at any of the parts unless he sees you laughing first. I didn't notice for a long time because I thought he was genuinely enjoying it.
When we got married I thought it was weird he didn't invite a single friend,not to mention he didn't have a single friend, just "work" friends with no real connections.
The more and more I'm with him, the more devastated I get. If something new comes up he gets so angry.
Not too mention I have worked with autistic children for four years now! And the more my therapist says that, the more I believe she is right.
Obviously he is very high functioning, but I'm devastated.
I know this sounds horrible but I wonder if anyone is down there that isn't just a copy or mimick of someone. I don't see any original thoughts. I feel so alone, sometimes it doesn't even seem like he's human, I want to cry. He's starting to make me feel like all he is is fake. I know he doesn't do this on purpose. Please help, is anyone else married to someone autistic?

 

[Suzanne]

My husband is married to a female aspie

I do tend to mimic, but I am still a unique person and my husband does not even notice that much and does not bother him.

It sounds like your husband does not have a clue what is happening to him and so, doing his best to be normal, but obviously not doing a great job.

Having aspergers is not a shameful thing. I am relieved to find out, after all this time, what is going on.

Your husband is the man you fell in love with still. What has happened is quite simply, is that living with each other, does tend to bring out what we really are like and with you demanding answers, he doesn't even know himself and so, just hangs his head in dispear.

What will help you, is to read on this forum, what is a male aspie like and will help you to learn to communicate better with him.

In the mean time, rather than demanding answers, why not just gently say that you both will figure it out together?

 

[Warmheart]

I'm sorry you feel so badly. You must feel anxious, and so unsure. It can feel frustrating and lonely when you want to connect, but it might seem like your hubby doesn't. No wonder you feel upset. You're only seeking a good mutual connection with some clear communication. That's understandable.

About you: I am so glad you have a counselor. You need good support and understanding. Really, your feelings need to be heard and understood. This way, you can process them-- with emotional support. Plus, your counselor can help you build your tool kit of coping skills, to help you feel stronger and more peaceful.

About your husband: If he's autistic, challenges communicating are part of his disability. This means strong feelings (love, fear, etc.) may be frustratingly hard or impossible to express in plain language.... instead, it slips out in movie quotes, or short automatic phrases (called "scripted speech").
Imagine having feelings, and not being able to express them? Imagine your mate assumes you have no original thoughts.... because your communication struggles are so difficult?
So some understanding from you needs to happen, that he truly struggles to express his feelings. Yes, he can chat about complex stuff, but feelings are hard to express with this disability. Imagine if your feelings of love, fear, etc. were trapped inside you? Can you imagine how alone (and misunderstood ) *he* might feel?

The relationship: None of his struggles with community cation are intended to hurt you. He has a disability. He struggles with challenges in relating, engaging, and communicating. You need to feel connected, supported, and emotionally bonded to him.
For you to feel emotionally supported by him, you will need to learn to understand his language better.
Behavior is communication.
Sometimes an autistic person says "I love you" like this:
Sharing a space with you, being in the same room as you, sharing a home with you, defragmenting your hard drive, planting flower bulbs in your garden, building you a bird feeder, making or sharing a meal with you. Not every human can speak... but we all communicate. You will need to look deeper to understand what he is trying to say to you.

Remember that autistic people need regular times of solitude to decompress, and sharing space with you is a HUGE sign he cares.

How you feel: This matters! You said you feel alone. You need to begin to rely a bit more on your gal pals for emotional support. (Yes, we Autistics can be great at emotional support..... but people don't recognize our efforts of giving, loving, and emotional caretaking as it looks different than when non-autistics have the same feelings.)

1.) See your counselor for emotional validation and support.
2.) Build a bigger network of supportive gal pal friends.
3.) Try googling/contacting Eva Mendez, she helps couples via Skype connect better when one is Autistic and the other is not.
4.) Recognize that your mate's love, fear, joy, can be expressed through behavior, and that these expressions are just as valid.
5.) Try to do some "Paralel Play" with him. Autistics naturally bond emotionally with others better when enjoying a shared activity, side by side, no pressure. Build a giant jigsaw puzzle with him, go hiking together, plant a veggie garden and work in it together regularly, etc. this deepens the bond in a positive, natural, non-confrontational way. Success!
6.) Sometimes, in a gentle and light way, you can softly ask him if he'd like to communicate about a topic through email. This may feel like a relief to him.
7.) Take the pressure off yourself...and him! You need to recognize that both partners may find ways to express themselves better, but only after looking more deeply, gaining more understanding. It's a process.


If it helps, I'm like your hubby in that I'm sometimes a scripted-speech communicator too. My feelings are still there, in fact, but strong feelings make "my automatics" come out in speech. Scared at the eye doctor:
"Danger Will Robinson!" <--- from Lost In Space, an old TV show. It's frustrating not being able to express my eye exam anxiety, but ahh, that's just my groovy neurology.

Best success!

 

[Sami]

Thank you so much for responding. It really feels overwhelming sometimes,and I think you're right, I think he has no idea what's going on and is trying very hard to hide the fact he doesn't while still knowing something is different with him.
I know he is his own person, just lately, maybe it's cause he knows I'm unhappy he's gotten A LOT worse. I think he's trying to fix A problem not actually knowing what it is.
Can you help provide any insight on what it feels like to be in a relationship while having aspergers?

 

[Warmheart]

We are each individual, our ASD affects each in our own way. For me, relationship:
It feels wonderful to me, because I am loved.
I also feel at huge disadvantage, because...
My love and caring are missed, because they do not look like neurotypical love and caring.
Genrrally, I feel not competent, and not confident-- as this social disability is "an invisible wheelchair," and I may get judged, instead of understood and supported.
I feel anxious when my honey speaks to me, because it comes in garbled, and I have to guess what he said. (Central auditory processing disorder is part of my autism)
It feels WONDERFUL when my mate understands my loving communication attempts, even though they look different than a neurotypical person's would be!
It feels scary/uncomfortable when I have to meet his family or friends, because I know I am at a disadvantage due to ASD being a social disability.
It feels Like pure heaven when we hold hands, because no words are needed for him to know I love him.
My biggest fear is he will not look deeper... because I am always "in my shell" to one degree or another,, trying to connect in whatever way I can.
My greatest joy is when he understands and feels my love through gesture, hug, hands held.

For me being in a relationship successfully depends on the other person understanding my autism. I am spending all of my emotional energy trying to decode his feelings (I cannot read facial expressions, social cues, sarcasm, jokes, subtlety...). I feel confused about how he feels until he directly says "I feel happy/frustrated/sad/ etc." So, he needs to learn to read me as well. That comes from understanding autism, as explained by autistic people sharing
lived experience, rather than sources from neurotypical professionals with speculations about how Autistics might feel.

We all just want to be loved for who we are, and understood.

 

[NeoPhile]

It sounds like sports is a special interest to him. Aspies tend to get obsessed with their special interests to the exclusion of all other things. I like to follow baseball because of the stats and numbers. In high school, I knew more about the history of baseball than the teacher of the Sports in Literature class I was taking. Remember that autistic spectrum people tend to have a schema for only very concrete things. If you want to talk to him about something abstract like feelings or something like that, he may not understand you and he may think that it's like you're speaking a foreign language or something. Try to talk to him about something more concrete or find a topic that's not sports but related to sports. (e. g. "Did you see the new sports store in the mall today? I went to the store down the hall from it today.")