I've posted for a long time over at WP and thought it would be cool to check some other places out. You can call me Jacob, Jake, Jacoby, Jay, whatever I don't care. 24, living Arizona, struggling, and going to school. My interests are current events/politics/history, sports(big NFL and NBA fan), and I dunno whatever random thing of the day or week. To give you a condensed version; I was diagnosed when I was around 15, spent a lot of years never addressing my issues, and have ended up pretty isolated in almost aspects of my life as was result of it.
Starting school again has been really tough, I am confident in my ability to do all the work(minus math which I am unbelievably bad at) but being around people again especially my age is kind of depressing to me I guess. I have medication for anxiety which I need but socially things aren't any better, I just don't feel physically ill like I might otherwise. I feel judged... inadequate... All everybody else is talking about is partying this and girlfriend that, I don't even know how I am suppose to participate. It always feels like everybody else already knows and accepts each other but sees me as some invasion of space. Maybe that is just how I perceive it and I'm just irrational, I dunno.
I think I have some serious self esteem issues, I don't see much positive in myself. People try to comfort me and tell me that I'm smart or that I am kind but that doesn't get you very much, I don't think I'm all that smart anyways or else I would have more to show for it.
I am determined to finish the semester, after that I am going to re-evaluate things, I can't kill myself
to do this. I've put so much pressure on myself, I don't feel that young anymore to be where I am at in life and I can't delay things much long with any hope of a normal life. A normal life probably was never in the card I am guessing tho, I just want to be happy and somewhat content and the only I think you can really achieve that is by sharing with other people which I is something I didn't always think. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be the freak, I just... I don't even know what I want. I am just praying(a lot of good that does) things get better just by chance or something. I can't be the only person that feels the way I do, I know I can't.
So yeah, hi.
Starting school again has been really tough, I am confident in my ability to do all the work(minus math which I am unbelievably bad at) but being around people again especially my age is kind of depressing to me I guess. I have medication for anxiety which I need but socially things aren't any better, I just don't feel physically ill like I might otherwise. I feel judged... inadequate... All everybody else is talking about is partying this and girlfriend that, I don't even know how I am suppose to participate. It always feels like everybody else already knows and accepts each other but sees me as some invasion of space. Maybe that is just how I perceive it and I'm just irrational, I dunno.
I think I have some serious self esteem issues, I don't see much positive in myself. People try to comfort me and tell me that I'm smart or that I am kind but that doesn't get you very much, I don't think I'm all that smart anyways or else I would have more to show for it.
I am determined to finish the semester, after that I am going to re-evaluate things, I can't kill myself
to do this. I've put so much pressure on myself, I don't feel that young anymore to be where I am at in life and I can't delay things much long with any hope of a normal life. A normal life probably was never in the card I am guessing tho, I just want to be happy and somewhat content and the only I think you can really achieve that is by sharing with other people which I is something I didn't always think. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be the freak, I just... I don't even know what I want. I am just praying(a lot of good that does) things get better just by chance or something. I can't be the only person that feels the way I do, I know I can't.
So yeah, hi.
