Having trouble with enforcing my own personal boundaries.

[Metalhead]

I know what step I need to be taking in my life to build myself up. All it takes is somebody feeding me a little bit of guilt to get me to abandon my self care and transform me into a doormat. This is no way for anybody to be living.

I think a part of this has to do with how I am still kicking myself over minor mistake I made up to four decades ago. I do not give myself a statute of limitations over anything.

I feel unworthy of having my own personal boundaries in my life. I feel unworthy of self care. And that is a problem.

 

[Raggamuffin]

This might be worth a read:

7 Subtle Signs Your Trauma Response Is People-Pleasing

Ed

 

[AprilR]

My friend has the same problem, and was recommended a book called, "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It might be of help.

 

[Thinx]

Well, you could start being kinder to yourself on this very issue, that's quite appropriate indeed! You were aged 1year, 40 years ago, and all your childhood and onwards you have been subjected to abuse and manipulation. This does have profound effects.

When adults treat children abusively, and ignore the child's boundaries, their development is affected, and recovery from this has many hurdles to climb. You are actually doing very well with your recovery, but it's a hard road to self-care after this level of denial of needed care from selfish and negligent adults in childhood.

I m guessing that you know that no one is unworthy of self care or of having personal boundaries. You feel unworthy, because historically, that's how you were made to feel by adults who were abusive. Keep on countering that with kindness, and with stern disapproval in mind towards those who harmed and disrespected that child.

Kindness towards yourself in the here and now difficulties of self-care and setting and maintaining personal boundaries means, understanding how hard this is and why, but then kindly reassuring that little boy who was abused, that you are there for him, a kind, and positive adult who can keep him safe. That's an interesting article @Raggamuffin posted, and also helps by seeing there's many others who struggle with this, you are not alone in your struggle, but like the writer of the article, you are a fine person, worthy of respect.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Just don't rape anyone, ok?

 

[paloftoon]

In addition to the reading resources, one generally good tip to follow is Ask.

Ask 1-1 usually. Ask if something is appropriate. Ask if a person is willing to meet or do this activity or under what context would they consider doing this action or that. If you ask, it gives the other person a choice and you can figure out where you stand and if the connection is worth building up/engaging in or not.

 

[sotto voce]

No "statute of limitations"... Well put, I am going to use that for myself! There, you just helped someone!

 

[Aspychata]

I know what step I need to be taking in my life to build myself up. All it takes is somebody feeding me a little bit of guilt to get me to abandon my self care and transform me into a doormat. This is no way for anybody to be living.

I think a part of this has to do with how I am still kicking myself over minor mistake I made up to four decades ago. I do not give myself a statute of limitations over anything.

I feel unworthy of having my own personal boundaries in my life. I feel unworthy of self care. And that is a problem.

I really relate to your issue. We need to give ourselves permission to engage in setting boundaries. We also need to accept that it may cause conflict with those close to us. We are afraid of confrontations and not adhering to our boundaries creates less immediate conflict but long-term, we just end up devaluing ourself. Boundaries are okay, responsible adults do have them. Conflict may happen as a result and that's okay too.