Having friends…

[Beemer345]

I just don’t understand how an autistic person can have adult friendships. I’m a 30 year old man and this completely eludes me. I seek connection with others because I feel so different and an outsider. How do you maintain relationships? I don’t care if it’s just someone I can talk to online that can understand what I go through every day.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I have always tried to be kind and respectful to everyone I interact with. Over time, I have found friendships coalescing around common interests and repeated interactions. I haven't overtly tried to make someone my friend since I was in elementary school. I am 66 now, and have 5 people I would consider actual friends. By actual, I mean people who will go out of their way to help. Of course that works both ways. I have been able to help my friends as well.
I guess what I am saying is that I treat everyone like a friend, and once in a while it actually "sticks".

 

[Au Naturel]

I treat everyone like a friend, and once in a while it actually "sticks".

That actually works.

That's how I made friends and a few friendly acquaitences. (There's a difference!) Find people who share an interest, maybe an unusual interest. Some of those people are going to be lonely. Some of the lonely people are looking for friends. (Most aren't. They are too bitter. Or only interested in romance.) Of those looking for friends, some are compatible. And that's how you find them. Some people reject you outright, and some lie about liking you to take advantage. Some are rather meh about you, and some may actually like you, but you can't quite like them back. That's how it goes.

You have to accept a whole lot of other-than-friendship muck-ups without getting angry or bitter. It is just the way of the world.

Not counting family, I have probably had fewer real friends over my lifetime than fingers. Maybe even fewer than on one hand. Some are long gone, some are dead, and some are still around but inactive. I wouldn't say I have any active friends right now other than my acquired family. Time has a way of stealing them.

 

[FilterFreq]

I don’t care if it’s just someone I can talk to online that can understand what I go through every day.

For me, the hardest part is being able to reciprocate whatever it is I'm looking for. Being a good friend is sometimes harder than finding a good friend, or being able to actually give meaningful value back to the friendship.

For example, having someone listen typically means you need to at least match them and return the favor, or provide companionship in some other valuable way, otherwise... what are they getting out of it? And from my experience, being too burnt out all the time or deep into solo activities really gets in the way of having friends.

Sometimes at least isolating the 'why' can shed some light on the problem, and sometimes a little bit of introspection can help you figure out which part you struggle with. I don't think adult friendships have to be difficult, especially when we have the internet at our fingertips, but they certainly don't require any less work than their real-life counterparts.

 

[Ghostinthemachine]

I'll be honest I'm in my mid 40s and I hsve given up trying to have friends cause it'd just too much hard work amd I want to be true to myself and not feel obliged to "fit in" maybe this view is a bit misanthropic and I appreciate it's not for everyone but it works for me

 

[Suzanne]

I am 54 and now can say that I have a good friend. It actually happened gradually, but before we knew it, we found ourselves truly helping each other and feeling very comfortable with each other and came to the conclusion: ah, this is what true friendship is like then?!

I sent her a link to test for neurodiversity, as there is something definitely there and her test results came back, that she should seek professional advice, as she does exhibit traits.

Begining to understand that it is about both giving and taking. We both are very open with each other, but both respect each other, when talking.

I would say she is the one true friend and had to wait to this age for that to happen.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

One of the reasons I joined this site.

 

[stevens]

You have to accept a whole lot of other-than-friendship muck-ups without getting angry or bitter. It is just the way of the world.

This works best when there is at least some degree of social functionality. Also, I find that it helps to stop applying the "self-improvement" template for making friends that is found in many books intended for neurotypicals.

It always occurred to me that I probably was "weird." So, no problem, just mask to cover that up. As it turns out, there is not a cloaking device that works very well for this. When I finally got old enough to admit that probably the reason 90% of people ran away fast was just that I'm weird and that I'm not going to suppress this, it became a lot easier to just play the averages as the quoted remark above appears to imply. Sometimes it's hard to not be excessively impacted by rejection, or the implication of it. Now when I write "weird," I mean what the word means but it's not a disgraceful or shameful thing. I like those things about myself. It just turns out that most other people don't.

I am 54 and now can say that I have a good friend. It actually happened gradually, but before we knew it, we found ourselves truly helping each other and feeling very comfortable with each other and came to the conclusion: ah, this is what true friendship is like then?!

...I would say she is the one true friend and had to wait to this age for that to happen.

This reminds me of the situation after I left my long-term job some years ago. I really was demoralized at how few contacts I was able to maintain from that job. These weren't just acquaintances--they also were colleagues and that connection was bigger than just working at the same employer. Or so I thought. I ended up having regular contact with only one person that I had worked with--out of dozens for more than 25 years. I tried, but it didn't work out.

That one person? It was someone that I always figured didn't really like me very much. We worked together from time to time, but I figured after I left that would be the last person I'd hear from. A year or so later, I got a call because the consulting firm he had taken a job with needed a part time person with my expertise. It became apparent that he really respected my work. I had no idea, before that point. Over time, we became better friends. My point in mentioning this is that one has to be receptive to unexpected situations. We're always told how we can "plan" to have friends. I don't think it's that simple. There are some people who are geniuses in figuring out how social psychology works and putting that knowledge to work for them. Autistic people have a social disability with this, and so we initially fail to appreciate how complex and beyond our reach it really is.

 

[Rodafina]

I don’t care if it’s just someone I can talk to online that can understand what I go through every day.

If this is something you want, you may be able to find it right here on the forum. It may take some time, but this is a great place to find what you've described.

The forum taught me how to have friends, but also acquaintances - people with whom I repeatedly share fulfilling and meaningful interactions. My idea of a friend has been too intense in the past - something that is ultimately uncomfortable, too draining, and not sustainable for me. But, here on the forum, I've learned how to have long term relationships with people in a way that is comfortable and sustainable.

I think one really effective way to explore forum friendships is through playing the games. This can be an enjoyable and fulfilling way to interact.

 

[Heroine of Winds]

In my experience, it's hard to keep friends due to stuff like disagreements, fights, or someone who is dealing with bad mental health. I've come to a point that I don't want to have any kind of relationship because it'll just end poorly for me. But, it does get lonely not interacting with anyone else that isn't my family, so it's the main reason why I joined here. Family isn't enough.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Attached is what my brother a fellow Aspie sent me and others today,. So you can see it's not just friends it's challenging friends that is my issue, my bother is an example of my family, cousins included. So being on the spectrum is just part of the issue.

 

[stevens]

Attached is what my brother a fellow Aspie sent me and others today,. So you can see it's not just friends it's challenging friends that is my issue, my bother is an example of my family, cousins included. So being on the spectrum is just part of the issue.

I found your brother's essay interesting. It's probably because I started in neural networks in the late 1980's when I was in graduate school. I found he made some good points. Apparently it's not a casual interest of his, but a deeper one. Of course, I also realize that just because it was pleasant for me to read doesn't guarantee that the average person wouldn't consider it weird. Unfortunately, that's just the fate of the nerd in our society.

I perceive that you two are on different planes, but equally focused on your own interests. Isn't that always the problem when two Aspies get together and try and communicate? I once thought it would be so easy. Not so much do I think that anymore.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My brother and I are very good friends as are my other brothers, three of us are technologists. chemical, electronics, and electrical. Finding bright friends is in some ways as difficult as fellow Aspies.

 

[MROSS]

Writing-out / typing-out experiences, reading about other's experiences, and getting responses here on 'Autism Forums' might be an (albeit small) "ice-breaker" - but nonetheless, an "ice-breaker."

The 'Friends, Family, and Social Skills' Forum might be helpful.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Went to a party last nigh mentioned off hand to a friend how difficult it was evaluating me when in the hospital when I was asked questions and how this could relate to an IQ test and another person who over heard me started laughing like he was really startled.

 

[DrBadStrings]

My brother and I are very good friends as are my other brothers, three of us are technologists. chemical, electronics, and electrical. FindingE bright friends is in some ways as difficult as fellow Aspies.

Environmental technologist myself.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Five Technologist's in my family two brothers and both my sons.

 

[Au Naturel]

it helps to stop applying the "self-improvement" template for making friends that is found in many books intended for neurotypicals.

Uh... yeah. Those templates don't work for NTs very often either. But there are enough people obsessed with self-improvement who will buy those books to make it profitable.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Most of my friends looking back were fellow Aspies or second generation Canadians two patterns I noticed later.

 

[Misty Avich]

I just don’t understand how an autistic person can have adult friendships. I’m a 30 year old man and this completely eludes me. I seek connection with others because I feel so different and an outsider. How do you maintain relationships? I don’t care if it’s just someone I can talk to online that can understand what I go through every day.

It boggles my mind too. I have friends but most of them are neurodiverse or the sensitive type with higher levels of empathy than the average person.

I can't seem to make friends with NTs my age, especially not other females, no matter what I do. I can be as kind and respectful as I like but with no results.

Autistic people who drink alcohol and push themselves to go out and do things they don't want to do (like nightclubs) seem to have more friends, even busier social lives. Also music gigs and concerts seem to be quite a common interest among autistics, particularly autistic males, and it's also a common interest in NTs too, so autistic people who share that interest are more likely to have friends with those NTs.

I still think that my social life at school would have been better had I not been diagnosed so early but that's a different thread.