Having ASD as men means being lonley

[Aspychata]

The last time I was dating was in the year before I met my now wife. I was in my mid 30s and dated quite a few women - the youngest being 19 and the oldest 45. It amazed me how different the dating scene had become in the 7 years I had been in a relationship prior to then. I found it quite unnerving how quickly a number of them were ready to sleep with me - not just the younger ones either. I felt like I barely knew them. One actually got really angry that I didn't want to go back to her place for sex on the first date - she thought it was a rejection. It wasn't - I just wanted to know I liked her before we got physical. It's quite difficult to be a gentleman these days. Plenty of women have accepted the unwritten rule you described above which no true gent would feel comfortable with, whilst others are so cautious after mistreatment they can have tangible problems trusting even the most sincere of men.

Call me old fashioned if you like, but I really want to get to know someone before I jump into the sack with them. I tried doing it the other way in my youth and it was unfulfilling. It left me feeling empty and kind of dirty.

BTW - I read a US academic paper about autistic women & rape not so long ago and it suggested that yes, autistic women are significantly more likely to have been forced into non-consensual acts, particularly if they had spent any time in a mental health facility. I don't have a bookmark for it but if I find it I'll link it.

Thanks, as always very good post!

 

[Aspychata]

You should try using a dating site with a photo of a moderately good looking woman. As a social experiment.

You wouldn't believe how gross guys can be. Much like dogs jumping at the first sight of meat.

No offence towards nice guys but let's be honest - most men look for little else than a play night.

And, wait, one question. Do you really think that women with ASD have it any easier? That we're not lonely as well? In the world that have such specific gender roles and ways women should look and behave? It's difficult for both sides if in different ways at times.



I agree, although we shouldn't forget that the type of crime you're speaking of is just as shameful and as difficult for men... After all, females always exaggerate and males are supposed to be the strong ones and deal with it, right? - on both sides psychological and emotional abuse are discounted. Unfortunately.

From the darker aspects... Ever heard about the issue of rape done on a man by a woman and how it 'doesn't exist'? Nasty.

Of course, I'm not trying to discount your experiences in any way. I understand, really. Just wanted to say: there are many human stories that are never told.

Yes, no doubt about it. But sadly, the numbers involving females are scary real. Almost 1 out 5 woman have been raped.

 

[Noelle]

If that’s your attitude in person too, it’s no wonder you’re having trouble finding someone. You come across as extremely bitter and angry and kind of misogynistic to me.

Yes, I am a woman over 30, and I think my opinion does matter. Just because I’m 33 doesn’t mean I don’t remember what dating was like when I was younger. My standards for partners haven’t changed much over the years either. I like intelligent men with geeky interests and a dark sense of humor. I don’t need to be wined and dined, I don’t need to be taken care of, and I sure as hell don’t want to be treated like a princess. I just want to be treated as an equal.

As for men with ASD not being able to make friends, have financial success, or finding a woman, well, that’s just not true. It’s perfectly possible. It might not be working out in your case, but that doesn’t mean it holds true for all men with ASD.

Comparing your loneliness to the socioeconomic injustice women face on a daily basis just seems incredibly tone deaf to me. It is not comparable at all. You have the power to do something about your isolation, but you won’t fix it by complaining about how much easier women have it.

As for women on dating sites being swarmed with men: yes, as a woman on a dating site you tend to get a lot of responses. However, that doesn’t mean that there’s viable candidates in there. The vast majority of messages a woman on a dating site receives are either requests for sex from people that haven’t bothered reading your profile, or are downright creepy. And if someone actually writes a thoughtful response, that doesn’t mean it’s automatically a match. If you’re willing to sleep with everyone that shows interest in you, then online dating as a woman might be considered easy, but actually finding a compatible person online has never happened for me, despite trying for years.

I’ve been dating for 17 years now and I’ve faced a lot of rejection. But instead of moping around and being bitter I just made sure to improve my social skills and went back out there. Practice doesn’t always make perfect, but it sure as hell doesn’t hurt. I went from being an awkward girl who couldn’t make eye contact and who hardly spoke to being the occasional life of the party. Just by getting a job with emphasis on social skills and mingling with people socially on a daily basis.

As a fellow woman over the age of 30 (who was recently diagnosed with ASD), I agree with him. Men on the spectrum are more siloed (at least in Western societies) than we are. I've been studying this "gendered ASD" topic for the last 18 months using critical theory and ethnography to write a research paper for my graduate course. This man, "Ordinary Citizen" is being truthful in his experience, and what he is expressing aligns with everything I've discovered in my own research on adult men and ASD/Asperger's. I think your response (Bolletje) actually shows a worrying lack of consideration for men with ASD and men's issues as a whole.

 

[Noelle]

I have heard many times on this forum women with ASD say about injustice they experience because of being women.

I tell you how it feels having ASD as a guy, it way worse than any socio-economic injustice women complain about because at top of everything what matters more in life of human being is socialization, relationship with others and having close relationship with someone.

I find myself in isolation all alone (even when used to live in center of large metro area).
Not easy for guy with ASD (esp. one who does not look very attractive based on beauty standards) to find someone at all, for girl its matter of creating profile on dating site and she will get ton of guys chasing her regardless of look or any psychological conditions she has.

There is difference in how women select partner from young age they want partner to entertain them and comfort them (its very selfish and biased) all for mere privilege of her being with that guy, women grow up with idea that they don't need to bring anything in relationship, guys got to run hoops around them trying to win her disposition.

Guys with ASD are considered boring and wired even by women with ASD.

For all all women who going to tell me "its not like this" if you older than 30 your opinion does not matter because with age (or aging) some women get wiser and their standards for partner also change, remember yourself at age of 18 did you felt same way as now, i bet not!

For men having ASD is like a curse, cannot make friends, cannot be successful financially, cannot find a women, its like living in a vacuum.

Women who dare to complain, try being a guy with ASD in this world and see how you going to like it...

I understand what you are saying, and I'm so very sorry for what you're having to endure as a man on the spectrum. I don't completely agree with everything you posted, but I agree with most of it. Women with ASD in our western culture have it easier (socially, relationally, professionally etc...) than men do. We can often adapt, camouflage and mimic in a way that makes us appear neurotypical, or at the very least, acceptably quirky (and often endearing). Our quirks are often more tolerable, it seems, then men's.

You're absolutely right that autistic men have a considerably heavier burden to carry than we do. I feel like a big part of the problem is a lack of concern for men's issues in general. Those men without autism who attempt to raise more awareness about the uniqueness of men's issues are branded as misogynists and enemies of progress. This will naturally have an impact on neurodiverse men.

I truly am sorry for what you've experienced, Ordinary Citizen, and what you continue to experience.

 

[Noelle]

Yea, it's hard... Suck it up and stop blaming people and maybe you won't be so lonely and hard-pressed..

Sorry, "Major Tom," I have to call you out this. I can't think of anything less reductive and compassionless to say to someone who is trying to speak their own truth on this forum.

 

[Aspychata]

@Noelle
Glad you have decided everything, and of course your view is the only view. We don't even need a forum because we have you.