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Have you ever been madly in love?

I am happy if this approach works for you. My approach is highly strategic based on research and trial and error method. Especially in relationships.
 
I didnt know it was allowed to ask that. Thank you for mentioning. In other forums i have been in the past (not aspie-related) they would forbid arranging meetings.
 
That is what happened to me when I was 42. She was aspie and also 42, we met at an aspie support group. We were together more than 4 years. Love and having a heart didn't make sense until I was with her. I guess this means it can happen later in life :)

Slithytoves said:
... It's been a revelation to be truly in love for the very first time, at the age of 44. I'm still in shock that I've been so fortunate. I never thought I would find this level of real intimacy with anyone.
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Guendolen said:
In the past i have suffered so much because of love. First of all i couldn't understand what was it. Everyone else seemed to know and feel it so easily. It was expected from me to behave in a specific way (like a NT girlfriend) and i was failing miserably every time. For example i couldn't understand why i have to hold someone's hand. So many fights because of that. My NT boyfriends used to call me heartless, cold and indifferent. In the end i read books about social protocol in relationships and i started holding hands but still felt nothing by doing it.
It was like aliens have visited earth and everyone is able to see them but you cant see them and they mock at you for being unable to see so in the end you start pretending you see them. But so much loneliness always.
I date more than a decade, i am 29 today and yesterday i realized i am so much in love for the first time in my life. And it is with another aspie. It is the first time i have an aspie boyfriend and it is so amazing. Of course we have misunderstandings sometimes (despite what some NT's think aspie people are NOT all the same) but he gets the important things, like the need to be alone or the special interests (ok, obsessions).
So partially because of the upcoming Valentine's day i want to ask everyone if you have ever been in love, how did you know, how did it felt...well anyway share your experience!
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I have had many monogamous relationships with girls/women, but out of all of them I believe I was only madly in love once.

I fell very hard for this girl and we became a couple. We ended up living together and, eventually, were engaged to be married.

I adored her. She was so sweet. She was a tom-boy (Which is a type of woman I have always been attracted to).

This was many years before I was diagnosed with Aspergers. I began to change in some ways (It's difficult to explain). I stopped participating in sexual activities with her. (I like sex and am not asexual, but I slowly stopped engaging in sexual activities with her and I am sure she was probably confused by that and was bothered).

Eventually, one evening, she broke off the engagement-- Five minutes later she ended the relationship entirely. I lost it (Not in a loud, violent way towards her, I am not like that. I began a long emotional breakdown).

One month later, after she had moved out of our apartment, I self-mutilated for the first time in my life and the next morning checked myself into the local psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed with Depression and put on an anti-depressant. I stayed in the hospital for about a week.

Many months went by and I was slowly recovering. It was a struggle.

One evening I was working in a local store and she walked in with a guy who I assumed was her new boyfriend; Let's just say it took all of my power not to "confront" the guy. I didn't though. I went into a back room of the store and almost cried. I never cry.

So, all and all, it was a traumatic experience in the end, overall for me. I fell too deeply in love.
 
Guendolen said:
I am sorry you have been through this. What's a tomboy?
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Hi, Guendolen.

An official definition of a tom boy is: "a girl who acts or dresses in a boyish way, liking rough outdoor activities".

That definition is partially true. To me it is a girl who is not afraid to get dirty by playing in a creek-bed or going camping, shooting guns, etc.

It is not that they are masculine, like a man; The most sexiest girls I have known were quite feminine but also tom boys.
 
Harrison54 said:
Thank god for that, I just know I'll forget :p
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We'll make our own, spontaneous occasions. ;)

Spiller said:
or I didn't know how to proceed.. when does a regular coffee with a friend become a date.. when is the first kiss? How do I know if I'm being too forward?
I've had two relationships in the past, neither woman I loved; the first I was emotionally abused by; the second I learned to appreciate her good qualities, but couldn't find love in my heart for her.
I have this issue currently with someone I like very much and who, I believe, feels similarly.. she certainly knows how I feel.. yet I have no idea what to do; I don't want to offend her. I'm hoping she just wants to take it slowly and get to know me first and I'm constantly on the lookout for further signs.. but what if I leave it too long and she becomes disinterested? Oooo the difficulties of being an Aspie :(
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To some extent I think that uncertainty you're describing is universal to everyone. A friend of mine once wisely noted that anxiety, not infatuation or lust, is the preeminent feeling in courtship! I'd be a little wary of anyone who seemed too confident in the early stage, for a number of reasons. No Casanovas for me, thanks.

I'm always sorry to hear about loveless partnerships. I hope your fledgling relationship will be more fulfilling for you, Spiller. My unsolicited advice would be to not hide your awkwardness from her, and ask honest questions when you need information you aren't picking up on your own. To the right woman, that will only make you more endearing. Men think women want to be swept off their feet, but even NT women I know admit to finding it equally appealing when a man is shy and fumbles a bit. Effortless attentions aren't nearly as flattering as those that obviously take some work.

On the Inside said:
One was erotic, sensual love (maddening and painful, burned fast and hot, easy to let go of), one was an intellectual and emotional harmonic vibration (long duration but episodic, for certain reasons mostly unexplored, I have been haunted by this for years), one is a pragmatic love (valuable, supportive, very helpful, challenging, exhausting); this is what I think Harrison might mean by "narrow spectrum". I just wish that someday, sometime, it will feel like it all comes together into one. I am open to that happening.
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I like the description I highlighted in the above quote. That's part of my current experience with Harrison. It's such a new sensation for me that I couldn't find the words for it. Thanks for giving me that language.

It suddenly occurs to me that there's an inherent risk in describing my feelings on a forum where my partner is also present. He might read that "harmonic vibration" line and say, "Hmmmm. Can't agree with her there!" :flushed::D

I wonder how many people out there actually take the time to understand what the different types of love are, and what balance of types they need to be happy. If you aren't sure what you're really looking for it seems doubtful you'll ever find it.

Guendolen said:
I didnt know it was allowed to ask that. Thank you for mentioning. In other forums i have been in the past (not aspie-related) they would forbid arranging meetings.
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That's a shame. It's not like a site would bear any liability. A few couples have formed through AC, so it's a very good thing that fraternizing in the real world isn't discouraged!
 
I've been totally madly in love and he was aspie too. We never "did" valentines day. I think the first valentines we were together, we both thought we should do something. All either of us managed was a card. After that we didn't bother. It wasn't important as we knew we loved each other every day and did not need a designated day of the year to announce our feelings.
 
I'm not sure if I've ever truly been in love. I've certainly had crushes on certain women (a few bad ones too; bad crushes, not women), but acting on those never ended well. I think that once or twice I've managed to sort of hit it off with a girl I liked and become comfortable enough to just sort of hang out and be friends, but the relationship thing never panned out. Like, I wanted to tell her I was interested in something more romantic, but I didn't know how she'd react, and I've never been able to tell if someone was interested in me unless they actually told me. Well, there was that one musician, but...he was a guy. And that is another story for another day.
 
Slithytoves said:
I like the description I highlighted in the above quote. That's part of my current experience with Harrison. It's such a new sensation for me that I couldn't find the words for it. Thanks for giving me that language.

I wonder how many people out there actually take the time to understand what the different types of love are, and what balance of types they need to be happy. If you aren't sure what you're really looking for it seems doubtful you'll ever find it.
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Thank you for expanding on that idea. That is truly an essential distinction that needs to be made if you want something more than a companionable relationship. I wish I had done that sooner in life, but I'm always a bit slow on developing, while wanting so much to experience the deeper experiences in life.

That harmonic relationship I think is the key. In my case, it was something that couldn't progress beyond close friendship (with a couple very intense physical interactions, not sex). I'm sure it would have had it's share of chaos and fire, but it seems that it would be the best for the deepest exploration of each other. Not to say that other forms wouldn't lead to deeper understanding and deeper love, just that it seems to me to transcend the practical and erotic forms.
 
I do love in my own way. "Madly in love" - no. Obsessed - yes. :) even though sometimes I wonder if I was obsessed with a particular situations rather than with people... yes, I think that would be more accurate.
 
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