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Have you ever been madly in love?

G

Guendolen

Active Member
In the past i have suffered so much because of love. First of all i couldn't understand what was it. Everyone else seemed to know and feel it so easily. It was expected from me to behave in a specific way (like a NT girlfriend) and i was failing miserably every time. For example i couldn't understand why i have to hold someone's hand. So many fights because of that. My NT boyfriends used to call me heartless, cold and indifferent. In the end i read books about social protocol in relationships and i started holding hands but still felt nothing by doing it.
It was like aliens have visited earth and everyone is able to see them but you cant see them and they mock at you for being unable to see so in the end you start pretending you see them. But so much loneliness always.

So partially because of the upcoming Valentine's day i want to ask everyone if you have ever been in love, how did you know, how did it felt...well anyway share your experience!
 
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I have been in love and I knew it both times. It was an overwhelming feeling that seemed bigger than myself. It was wonderful. My last GF, we fell more and more in love for the four years we were together. That feeling at the start never stopped. We were both amazed and delighted by the other. I never did understand Valentine's Day much. Didn't make sense to me. I would force myself to make or have plans with my partner. It seemed more important to her.
 
Hi Guendolen. Nice to meet you. I've thought I was in love a few times. I experienced the feelings of Eros, or romantic love, and had little trouble acting accordingly in such a way that it seemed normal. But once Eros faded, there was never a strong enough connection for any relationship to successfully transition to the next stage, at least not for very long. Something never felt quite right. I never felt the sort of mutual understanding that I know is required for long-term love. It was insanely frustrating. I was sure there was some irreparable flaw in me. I assumed that I must simply not be adequate to the task.

Then I met my current partner (Harrison54, here on AC), and everything changed. He's an Aspie, and through him, I discovered that I am as well. The difference between this relationship and all that preceded it is nothing short of astounding! We share romantic, Eros-type feelings, but what developed almost immediately along with it was Pragma, or rational love. That's the kind a lifelong partnership is really built on. It's been a revelation to be truly in love for the very first time, at the age of 44. I'm still in shock that I've been so fortunate. I never thought I would find this level of real intimacy with anyone.

I'm glad you've found something special, too. Good luck with your new romance. I hope you continue to thrive together! :)

PS: I have always despised Valentine's Day, even when I had a partner who made a big deal of it. I don't like being told by the calendar when I'm supposed to celebrate my partnership (that goes for anniversaries, too). It all seems so pathetically contrived, commercialized, and competitive to me, which isn't at all what love is supposed to be about.
 
Nice to meet you too! I am happy to see someone experienced the same thing in a relationship between aspies. I am not promoting aspie dating or anything. I still believe it is possible to be happy with NT partners if they are openminded, kind, understanding and with lots of interests and hobbies so that they won't feel lonely when you need time alone. But yes, when the other person is an aspie too it is so much different!
 
Guendolen said:
Nice to meet you too! I am happy to see someone experienced the same thing in a relationship between aspies. I am not promoting aspie dating or anything. I still believe it is possible to be happy with NT partners if they are openminded, kind, understanding and with lots of interests and hobbies so that they won't feel lonely when you need time alone. But yes, when the other person is an aspie too it is so much different!
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The two people who encouraged me to meet my Aspie partner are in a "mixed" AS/NT relationship. I agree, those can work wonderfully, too. And who knows? Maybe knowing I have AS would make it easier for me to have a fulfilling relationship with an NT, now, as well. I'm staying right where I am, though. I feel like I've hit the relationship jackpot!

The thing about Aspie-Aspie relationships that seems challenging to me, from my limited perspective, is that AS manifests so very differently in different people. Finding another Aspie whose traits dovetail nicely could be a real challenge. Another reason why I can't believe my luck.
 
I have...still am. It was a head-over-heels kind of in love, too. I had a really strong crush on my now-DH (NT) when we were in college. After our first date, when I got back to my dorm room, I told my roommate I could see myself marrying this guy one day. She was shocked that I could "know" so soon, but it did happen. We married 3 1/2 years later, and we're coming up on our 19th anniversary.

Interestingly...our first date was 22 years ago yesterday. :)

We've had some tough stuff to work through, and we're still trying to figure out how to connect on levels that we've not been able to push through yet. It certainly hasn't been easy. But I can honestly say I am more in love with him today than I was that first night 22 years ago.
 
I been thinking if I should comment. I had many relationships thought I was in love. But I just learned recently the relationship was more about support than love. Most of my relationships I think I went too fast. This is the first time I learned how to manage life being single. I think I got a lot more to learn what real love is.

Anyhow, I wish the best for your relationship.
 
The Penguin said:
I been thinking if I should comment
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Your opinion is always valued. You dont have to agree with what i say. Evolution comes from examining new and challenging beliefs. Thank you for your wish, i greatly appreciate since all my knowledge so far comes from research and now i will have to find out what to do with all those emotions.
 
I can't really say that I have, and I really don't think being obsessed with the idea of someone counts.
 
I have. :)
Things started off as a friendship, but as I gradually got to know my friend more and more, I found I had an awful lot in common with them, and before I knew it, it became a relationship. :D
It lasted many months before it came to an end.
The good thing though is that she's still my best friend, or should I say, my sister from another mother. :D
 
I have been in love a few times, yes, although the argument can be made that it was a very narrow spectrum kind of love. Back then I didn't know I was an aspie, it was thought that I was some sort of widly eccentric genius/idiot, and as a result, I didn't look very hard for people who could 'make love' to my mind. This led to short term physical relationships with no real depth. My being diagnosed as an aspie also led to my understanding that I was sapiosexual, and it changed the game.

After ten years 'in the wilderness' I have found someone so frighteningly similar that I indeed 'fell madly in love'. However, it is best summed up in her own words...

Slithytoves said:
We share romantic, Eros-type feelings, but what developed almost immediately along with it was Pragma, or rational love.
Click to expand...

The above is new for me, something I never thought I would find. Guendolen, I wish you the very best on your journey.

Slithytoves said:
I have always despised Valentine's Day, even when I had a partner who made a big deal of it. I don't like being told by the calendar when I'm supposed to celebrate my partnership (that goes for anniversaries, too). It all seems so pathetically contrived, commercialized, and competitive to me, which isn't at all what love is supposed to be about.
Click to expand...

Thank god for that, I just know I'll forget :p
 
Guendolen said:
Thank you for your wishes! What is a sapiosexual?
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Sapiosexuality is concerned with the mind and intelligence. I find intelligent people sexually stimulating, far more so than their looks, and although I am also heterosexual I can find great pleasure in the company of an intelligent male.
 
I've experienced initial eros-type emotions for several women over the years, but either there was no return interest (at least that I could detect), or I didn't know how to proceed.. when does a regular coffee with a friend become a date.. when is the first kiss? How do I know if I'm being too forward?
I've had two relationships in the past, neither woman I loved; the first I was emotionally abused by; the second I learned to appreciate her good qualities, but couldn't find love in my heart for her.
I have this issue currently with someone I like very much and who, I believe, feels similarly.. she certainly knows how I feel.. yet I have no idea what to do; I don't want to offend her. I'm hoping she just wants to take it slowly and get to know me first and I'm constantly on the lookout for further signs.. but what if I leave it too long and she becomes disinterested? Oooo the difficulties of being an Aspie :(
My default state is to simply be calm and allow the Universe to provide..:)
 
I have been in love, in different ways, and they have all been difficult but wonderful. They have been the most challenging, enlightening, soul revealing experiences of my life.

One was erotic, sensual love (maddening and painful, burned fast and hot, easy to let go of), one was an intellectual and emotional harmonic vibration (long duration but episodic, for certain reasons mostly unexplored, I have been haunted by this for years), one is a pragmatic love (valuable, supportive, very helpful, challenging, exhausting); this is what I think Harrison might mean by "narrow spectrum". I just wish that someday, sometime, it will feel like it all comes together into one. I am open to that happening.
 
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