Has anyone here besides me ever been ghosted by a friend before? I just want to know that i'm not alone in this, if others can relate to me.

[Steelbookcollector217]

unfortuneately, my friend whom i started this thread about, its happening again, i haven't spoken to him since the end of June, i feel i'm being ghosted all over again.

Last time he ghosted me back in October of last year, which led to a 4-month hiatus of zero contact, prior to being ghosted, he told me he was going to these group therapy sessions for his mental/emotional health.

My only guess is that this is happening all over again, this time he never mentioned anything prior but its my guess its the same thing.

But yeah, once again, it hurts a lot, its frustrating. me and my brother miss him a lot.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah, if my former friend, or just, its complicated to say, if me and him ever reconnect again, this time i'm wondering if i should cut him out of my life this time because this is becoming too much, him ghosting me like this, and besides, if someone is going through a mental health crisis, you would think the last thing they would want to do is distance themselves from friends.

 

[Rodafina]

@Steelbookcollector217
Your feelings make sense to me. It might be worth a chance to explain to this friend that him "ghosting" you when he isn't feeling well is not something you want to continually deal with. If you want to give him a chance, that is.

It's understandable why people shut down and shut people out during a mental health crisis, but that doesn't mean that the people in their lives just have to take it. It's not right to continually disappear on people if both sides are not okay with that. If you decided that you didn't want to be friends with him any more, that seems reasonable.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

@Steelbookcollector217
Your feelings make sense to me. It might be worth a chance to explain to this friend that him "ghosting" you when he isn't feeling well is not something you want to continually deal with. If you want to give him a chance, that is.

It's understandable why people shut down and shut people out during a mental health crisis, but that doesn't mean that the people in their lives just have to take it. It's not right to continually disappear on people if both sides are not okay with that. If you decided that you didn't want to be friends with him any more, that seems reasonable.

yeah but at the same time, i don't want to lose him since i have a scarcity of friends, i've always had a small network of friends.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

to sum it up, i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

[honeytoast]

when he reconnected previously, did he ever say why he cut off people?

 

[Rodafina]

to sum it up, i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am sad you are feeling this way.
It does sound like a really hard place to be in.

I know your friend is struggling and compassion is important, but he's put you in a pretty tough situation here. It seems like being friends with him might involve him sometimes disappearing and you have to ask yourself if you are okay with that.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah i know my attitude hasn't been good on here but my former friend whom this discussion is about, no doubt contributed to that, yeah its a very painful decision but i think it is best me and him go our separate ways.

 

[Wolfiedog]

This is a familiar story i’ve experienced my whole life.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I have and it honestly broke me for five years. When my best friend suddenly stopped talking to me literally a week after my mom died of cancer, something inside me just snapped and I fell into a depressed state so bad that I stopped cleaning my apartment because I didn’t see what the point of it was any more. I got evicted because of it and everyone thought that I was being “lazy” even though I kept telling them that I just didn’t care about cleaning anymore because there was no point to it. I was showing signs of something being seriously wrong with me. I kept blaming myself and thinking that I ruined yet another person’s life just like my abuser kept telling that I did to hers. I started numbing the pain by excessive shopping.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah, it hurts a lot since i have a scarcity of friends

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

while at the same time i do sympathize and empathize with my former friend's mental and emotional struggles, at the same time, i am angry and resentful towards him because of this repeated pattern of ghosting and dissapearance.

Last time we didn't speak to each other for 4 months, we reconnected back in February, we resumed our friendship, then he ghosted me again towards the end of June.

At the same time again, it hurts cutting him out of my life due to a scarcity of friends, but at the same time, i don't want to have to continue with this constant ghosting.

 

[the_tortoise]

I think a good way of thinking is "does that person care as much as i do? " Chances are they don't since if they did, they would make an effort to keep the friendship.It is not fair to yourself to blame yourself and try to guess what they are thinking.

I agree for any person "ghosted": you should not blame yourself and you are not obligated to figure out the other person's unspoken intentions - that is not fair.

But having been on both sides of situations where one friend disappears (ie having been both the person wondering why a friend no longer acknowledges my existence and has disappeared, and been the person who has disappeared), I would urge all who experience this to not assume the other person does not care...

Because that may not be true, and may be an inaccurate assumption that is hurtful and unfair to both of you. (That doesnt mean I am saying you should assume they do care either...really I am urging you to leave it an open question and assume nothing, if that is possible for you to do and still be okay -- and to leave that open question as is regardless of how you care for your own needs and protect yourself, which may mean permanently ending the friendship on your end -- considering it broken and unrepairable and over.)

And I say this even though right now a close friend (chosen family type of person) of mine who I have known for 27 years has stopped talking to me during one of the most difficult times of my life (he would not know that though, about the difficulty) when I long for connection with him, and I don't know why he is so silent...it has been 2+ years now of total silence; But I have disappeared for even longer than that myself (although neither of us actually knew where the other was for most of that time, and I did respond when he eventually got hold of me again....his total lack of response I am this time more worried about as time goes by; one possibility is he cannot deal with me and does not want to be my friend anymore, another and bigger worry is he has died or something similarly terrible...both possibilities are very painful to consider....but I am holding fast to assuming nothing still and probably will continue to assume nothing in the absence of any contact or word of him for at least a few more years)

Lots of relocations for us both and him having moved across an ocean almost 20 years ago is part of the original long disconnect, but not all of it...we are both people who have lived very difficult lives, and tend to cope partly by hiding from the world because even the most soul-nourishing interactions with others are so so exhausting and require abilities that sort of go offline at certain points of extreme stress...so we withdraw from personal social contact for long periods of time especially when physically ill and/or emotionally very overhelmed and have actually talked about this, agreeing to assume nothing at least for a years-ling while, knowing this about each other and how likely it is that the disappearance is not personal.

I suspect there are many many reasons why a person might disappear for a long time or even forever and/or maybe reappear and not explain anything that makes sense...among them is embarrassment/shame and lack of any ability to communicate what is really going on for them, and conviction that their disappearance means the friendship can never be salvaged precisely because most people (I think?) assume lack of contact means the other person has ditched them, doesnt value them, is unspoken communication of dislike or hatred or devaluation...and that they will never be believed if they can ever figure out how to explain anything and gather the courage to try....

Usually I think, that goes along with them having a lack of knowledge or ability about how to repair when they make hurtful mistakes in relationships. You do not have to forgive this nor feel obligated to work out what is going on for the other person, though - reciprocity and healthy communication are essential to healthy relationships, and one person holding up both sides can be too much and too hard for that person.

And I fully agree to be careful and look after yourself before trusting someone you feel abandoned by if they ever re-appear -- even if someone did not mean to hurt you and really did/does care about you as much as you do/did them...Because even if they do care, they may not be able to be the reliable and clear-communicating, open, transparent, reliably-connected friend you need them to be...not even if they desperately want to be; And it is not fair to yourself to be stressed out and hurting and confused all the time whenever they disappear (especially if you tend to blame yourself and cannot stop wondering if you did something wrong - hurt/offended them in some way).

Ironically and sadly some people disappear because they care about you; perhaps because they have been taught their whole life it is not okay to share bad things with others and that sad/frustrated/upset/stressed out people are always bad company who just upset others and bring others down and nothing else....

Leading to them truly believing that in bad personal situations they should self-isolate, truly and with no malice or lack of concern for friends/loved ones generally: thinking and acting as if their difficulties or not-positive feelings are some kind of contagious plague the people they care about must never be exposed to -- and not realizing that their friends actually might want to know they are struggling and/or in pain, because they would want to help or at least still want to know them and would still enjoy their company even if they have no idea how to help or offer comfort..and failing to appreciate or simply not being aware that so many people in this world do not treat unhappy feelings and difficult situations like a deadly plague to avoid, and will not be harmed by being exposed to them.

Sometimes, people are truly so irrationally convinced that you (and likely everyone else on earth, too) are better off without them or that all contact with them - for everyone/anyone - is just too unfairly burdensome they refuse to (in their mind, and just assuming you would think the same:_) "inflict themselves upon" anyone, even people who deeply love and care about them...

...which is sad and I would
hope people can have compassion for this kind of thing...

... But nevertheless you do not have to put up with it nor do constant one-sided repair (especially if they never tell you what is or has been going on)...

...because without knowing why they have stopped talking to you, this possibility of caring about you and hating themselves may be just as likely as them not liking you and not caring about you and passive-aggressively communicating "go away i want nothing to do with you" with silence-- you have no way to know and should not be expected to just guess...

although to be clear: just because a person self isolates and disappears without ever telling you why and it happens to be because they care about you and hate themselves rather than because they are a jerk who cannot just honestly tell you they do not want to continue the relationship because they have some kind of problem with you and dont like you anymore:

.. the fact they don't tell you why does not automatically mean they assume you will understand or expect you to guess..

...in any case, as I was saying, about the still-cares-about-you+hates-self possibility:

this is unfair to both of you -- to them because they are likely being far too harsh on themselves and completely irrational; and to you because it is NOT up to them to decide for you if you want to be around them or still like them or want to continue being their friend -- it is up to YOU; they should not be deciding for you what you want or need. (But again...they may not think about this, may not be capqble or thinking about it, it may never occur to them...

these situations are awful, and my heart goes out to anyone exeriencing one -- and if for non-malicious reasons
that includes to the person who has disappeared and gone silent)

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah since my former friend ghosted me again, i would be lying that this hasn't caused me to fill angry and bitter, resentful, this really hurt me a lot, we had been great friends for 13 years, we would previously communicate almost everyday, rightfully so that this would damage someone mentally/emotionally.

 

[Terpsichore]

Deep down inside i know i'm not alone in this, but naturally it makes people feel better when they speak to or interact with other people who they can relate to, other people who have gone through the same situation.

It happend to me in the last quarter of 2024, reminds me, the last quarter of 2024 was very rough for me because of 3 negative things that happend to me. Reminds me, some people say that bad things, or negative things happen in Three's, 3's.

On September 7th, my Dog of almost 15 years passed away, i miss him everyday, and then October 13th, i injured my ankle, torn ligament, i could barely go into work and was unproductive for like a full month, couldn't exercise or work out for like a full month.

Then October 26th, was the last time i had any contact with my friend, or i should say former friend, that was the last time i had any communication with him, we spoke on the phone, he expressed interest in getting together, hanging out the next weekend, i follow up with him, call and text him, but no answer, no response, and i haven't heard anything from him since then, i have of course called and texted him numerous times since then, but no answer, no response.

However, i did see these warning signs, behaviors from him, that he was not his normal self from how i knew him, me and him had been friends since 2012.

Back in September, me and him went like 2 to 3 weeks without any contact with each other, when we did establish communication with each other at the time, he told me he was going to these group therapy sessions for his mental/emotional health, and when me and my brother hung out with him back in September, we went to Dave & Busters together, we noticed he was not behaving his normal self, we saw him get into a verbal altercation with the Cashier about requesting a refund, and when me and my brother walked around in the Arcade area, there were times he would just walk away from me and my brother without telling us, like he was lost or his mind was just completely somewhere else.

At this present moment, this is the longest i've gone without any contact/communication with my friend, or former friend i should say.

So my best guess and speculation is that, he has ghosted me because of his mental/emotional struggles, he needs time to reset himself, but me and him never had a fight or argument with each other, we didn't exactly have a fallout with each other, even if he decided to end our friendship or just put our friendship on a hiatus because of his mental/emotional health, it still hurts a lot though.

I did reach out to his cousin on facebook, according to what his cousin told me, he says that its NOT personal regarding me and my brother as to why he cut off communication with me and my brother, and he his cousin himself admitted that he is not doing well mentally/emotionally, but nevertheless, it still hurts though, and obviously i don't know whats going through his mind, i sometimes wonder if there are reasons he started to dislike me or just started to resent me.

Just want to know if anyone else here in this forum has gone through a situation like this.

Oh, hon. I'm so sorry. Losing contact with a friend can hurt so much! It's hard, but I think it happens to everyone

The good news is it really sounds like it's not about you and your friend will want to reconnect when they're feeling better!

I've been where your friend is: too overwhelmed and unhappy to communicate. It's about them, not you.

I would, every 3-6 months, just shoot them a text like "hey, just thinking about you! No need to respond if it's too much, but I want you to know I care about you and miss you" or just send them a funny meme or something. Hopefully it will brighten their day

I hope your friend comes back to you soon

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I remember being a complete mess after my former best friend ghosted me. I actually became incredibly lethargic when I was home and masking whenever I was out in public because I was constantly told that I should always be happy and smiling when I’m in public. I pretended everything was fine and dandy in my life but I was completely miserable and blaming myself all the time.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Oh, hon. I'm so sorry. Losing contact with a friend can hurt so much! It's hard, but I think it happens to everyone

The good news is it really sounds like it's not about you and your friend will want to reconnect when they're feeling better!

I've been where your friend is: too overwhelmed and unhappy to communicate. It's about them, not you.

I would, every 3-6 months, just shoot them a text like "hey, just thinking about you! No need to respond if it's too much, but I want you to know I care about you and miss you" or just send them a funny meme or something. Hopefully it will brighten their day

I hope your friend comes back to you soon

well he did it to me again if you have been paying attention to all my updates in this thread, he did it to me again at the end of this past June, the first time it happend in October of last year, we had zero communication for 4 months until we reconnected in February.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, a part of me doesn't want to lose his friendship due to scarcity of friends, at the same time, i feel me and him should go our separate ways because i don't want to have to continue to deal with this

 

[the_tortoise]

well he did it to me again if you have been paying attention to all my updates in this thread, he did it to me again at the end of this past June, the first time it happend in October of last year, we had zero communication for 4 months until we reconnected in February.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, a part of me doesn't want to lose his friendship due to scarcity of friends, at the same time, i feel me and him should go our separate ways because i don't want to have to continue to deal with this

Is it possible for you to put the friendship
on hold?

To think of it as "inactive"/"not friends for now, but maybe can be revisited later"?

Just a thought. No judgement if this would never help or never work for you - and I am sorry if I am not properly understanding how you feel.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Is it possible for you to put the friendship
on hold?

To think of it as "inactive"/"not friends for now, but maybe can be revisited later"?

Just a thought. No judgement if this would never help or never work for you - and I am sorry if I am not properly understanding how you feel.

yeah, like i have been a broken record on, a part of me wants to retain his friendship out of scarcity, due to always having had a small network of friends, but at the same time, i feel tempted to part ways with him, just tell him that i think its best we go our separate ways because i don't want to have to continue to deal with being ghosted by you, a friendship without any communication, thats not a friendship at all.

 

[the_tortoise]

yeah, like i have been a broken record on, a part of me wants to retain his friendship out of scarcity, due to always having had a small network of friends, but at the same time, i feel tempted to part ways with him, just tell him that i think its best we go our separate ways because i don't want to have to continue to deal with being ghosted by you, a friendship without any communication, thats not a friendship at all.

Incompatible needs, then, maybe?

I feel sad for both of you.