I think a good way of thinking is "does that person care as much as i do? " Chances are they don't since if they did, they would make an effort to keep the friendship.It is not fair to yourself to blame yourself and try to guess what they are thinking.
I agree for any person "ghosted":
you should not blame yourself and you are not obligated to figure out the other person's unspoken intentions - that is not fair.
But having been on both sides of situations where one friend disappears (ie having been both the person wondering why a friend no longer acknowledges my existence and has disappeared, and been the person who has disappeared), I would urge all who experience this to not assume the other person does not care...
Because that may not be true, and may be an inaccurate assumption that is hurtful and unfair to both of you. (That doesnt mean I am saying you should assume they do care either...
really I am urging you to leave it an open question and assume nothing, if that is possible for you to do and still be okay -- and to leave that open question as is
regardless of how you care for your own needs and protect yourself, which may mean permanently ending the friendship on your end -- considering it broken and unrepairable and over.)
And I say this even though right now a close friend (chosen family type of person) of mine who I have known for
27 years has stopped talking to me during one of the most difficult times of my life (he would not know that though, about the difficulty) when I long for connection with him, and I don't know why he is so silent...it has been 2+ years now of total silence; But I have disappeared for even longer than that myself (although neither of us actually knew where the other was for most of that time, and I did respond when he eventually got hold of me again....his total lack of response I am this time more worried about as time goes by; one possibility is he cannot deal with me and does not want to be my friend anymore, another and bigger worry is he has died or something similarly terrible...both possibilities are very painful to consider....but I am holding fast to assuming nothing still and probably will continue to assume nothing in the absence of any contact or word of him for at least a few more years)
Lots of relocations for us both and him having moved across an ocean almost 20 years ago is part of the original long disconnect, but not all of it...we are both people who have lived very difficult lives, and tend to cope partly by hiding from the world because even the most soul-nourishing interactions with others are so so exhausting and require abilities that sort of go offline at certain points of extreme stress...so we withdraw from personal social contact for long periods of time especially when physically ill and/or emotionally very overhelmed and have actually talked about this, agreeing to assume nothing at least for a years-ling while, knowing this about each other and how likely it is that the disappearance is not personal.
I suspect there are many many reasons why a person might disappear for a long time or even forever and/or maybe reappear and not explain anything that makes sense...among them is embarrassment/shame and lack of any ability to communicate what is really going on for them, and conviction that their disappearance means the friendship can never be salvaged precisely because most people (I think?) assume lack of contact means the other person has ditched them, doesnt value them, is unspoken communication of dislike or hatred or devaluation...and that they will never be believed if they can ever figure out how to explain anything and gather the courage to try....
Usually I think, that goes along with them having a lack of knowledge or ability about how to repair when they make hurtful mistakes in relationships.
You do not have to forgive this nor feel obligated to work out what is going on for the other person, though -
reciprocity and healthy communication are essential to healthy relationships, and one person holding up both sides can be too much and too hard for that person.
And I fully agree to be careful and look after yourself before trusting someone you feel abandoned by if they ever re-appear -- even if someone did not mean to hurt you and really did/does care about you as much as you do/did them...Because even if they do care, they may not be able to be the reliable and clear-communicating, open, transparent, reliably-connected friend you need them to be...not even if they desperately want to be;
And it is not fair to yourself to be stressed out and hurting and confused all the time whenever they disappear (especially if you tend to blame yourself and cannot stop wondering if you did something wrong - hurt/offended them in some way).
Ironically and sadly some people disappear because they care about you; perhaps because they have been taught their whole life it is not okay to share bad things with others and that sad/frustrated/upset/stressed out people are always bad company who just upset others and bring others down and nothing else....
Leading to them truly believing that in bad personal situations they should self-isolate, truly and with no malice or lack of concern for friends/loved ones generally: thinking and acting as if their difficulties or not-positive feelings are some kind of contagious plague the people they care about must never be exposed to -- and not realizing that their friends actually might want to know they are struggling and/or in pain, because they would want to help or at least still want to know them and would still enjoy their company even if they have no idea how to help or offer comfort..and failing to appreciate or simply not being aware that so many people in this world do not treat unhappy feelings and difficult situations like a deadly plague to avoid, and will not be harmed by being exposed to them.
Sometimes, people are truly so irrationally convinced that you (and likely everyone else on earth, too) are better off without them or that all contact with them - for everyone/anyone - is just too unfairly burdensome they refuse to (in their mind, and just assuming you would think the same:_) "inflict themselves upon" anyone, even people who deeply love and care about them...
...which is sad and I would
hope people can have compassion for this kind of thing...
... But nevertheless you do not have to put up with it nor do constant one-sided repair (especially if they never tell you what is or has been going on)...
...because without knowing why they have stopped talking to you, this possibility of caring about you and hating themselves may be just as likely as them not liking you and not caring about you and passive-aggressively communicating "go away i want nothing to do with you" with silence-- you have no way to know and should not be expected to just guess...
although to be clear: just because a person self isolates and disappears without ever telling you why and it happens to be because they care about you and hate themselves rather than because they are a jerk who cannot just honestly tell you they do not want to continue the relationship because they have some kind of problem with you and dont like you anymore:
.. the fact they don't tell you why does not automatically mean they assume you will understand or expect you to guess..
...in any case, as I was saying, about the still-cares-about-you+hates-self possibility:
this is unfair to both of you -- to them because they are likely being far too harsh on themselves and completely irrational; and to you because it is NOT up to them to decide for you if you want to be around them or still like them or want to continue being their friend -- it is up to YOU; they should not be deciding for you what you want or need. (But again...they may not think about this, may not be capqble or thinking about it, it may never occur to them...
these situations are awful, and my heart goes out to anyone exeriencing one -- and if for non-malicious reasons
that includes to the person who has disappeared and gone silent)
