Guys, don't get attached to women you meet online.

[Cali Cat]

No thats a serious question -- the one I have for a long list of girls that rejected me to which none of them gave me satisfactory answer.

I'm not understanding where you're assuming a couple of days of interaction. I suppose I didn't specify a time line, but in order to notice "issues" and "red flags," you're going to have to normally spend more than a few days communicating with someone before you see patterns forming. Unless, of course, you're dealing with a very unpleasant sort of person.

As for clicking with someone immediately, I believe that is precisely the catalyst that sparks continued communication. Why would you spend time talking to someone who doesn't stimulate you on some level?

Of course, I've also been in online conversations with people, both male and female, whom I thought I clicked with initially, but our common interests eventually exhausted themselves and we had no more to discuss. It's not always a phenomena related to romance. Friends as well as potential mates disappear on a whim. It happens to the best of us.

I get the feeling you take things very personally though. You shouldn't really. You should shrug it off like the rest of us do, and keep moving. The more you look back, the more likely you will be to miss opportunities in the future. Let it go. Few of us get answers to our questions of "why" when someone ditches us, especially if the encounter was brief. If asked, I've always tried to provide explanations when I'm not interested in someone, because I believe it is the courteous thing to do. Of course, when you ask "why," you need to be prepared for a totally honest answer, which in some cases is not to the person's liking. It could be that most people (esp. NTs) want to avoid awkwardness and possible confrontation, so they just split.

 

[Mathalamus]

And the word DONE is the one word I have the most issues with. What is there to lose by hearing other sides of the story? But there is a lot to lose by BEING DONE if the decision you feel DONE about happens to be a wrong decision. The time it takes to discuss and reconsider is far shorter than whatever lifelong thing they are sacrificing in the name of being DONE.

it isnt up to you to decide whether they are done with you or not. if they don't want to take part in your life, they are entirely free to leave, with no explanation whatsoever. i learned that lesson...and quickly adapted it, seeing that its basically a free retreat ticket.

i repeat, they have no obligation whatsoever.

 

[Vanadium50]

I'm not understanding where you're assuming a couple of days of interaction. I suppose I didn't specify a time line, but in order to notice "issues" and "red flags," you're going to have to normally spend more than a few days communicating with someone before you see patterns forming. Unless, of course, you're dealing with a very unpleasant sort of person.

I have several examples from my life when it happened on a frame of a couple of days. And of course there were also few examples where the time frame was longer -- but the number of such examples is far fewer simply because "most" of my interactions don't survive past first few days, hence my grudges.

But, speaking of those "fewer" interactions that lasted longer, I still feel they were also unfair but in a different way: during all this "long" time when there was a certain pattern, why didn't they ever let me know it bothers them? Why did they wait all this time saying nothing and then said "oh by the way there was this patter so I am done". I think in this case they owe me some extra time to correct it seeing how they didn't give me a chance to correct things before by telling me what bothers them.

As for clicking with someone immediately, I believe that is precisely the catalyst that sparks continued communication. Why would you spend time talking to someone who doesn't stimulate you on some level?

I guess I am more talking about the cases where we did stimulate each other on some level but then something came up that made it less than perfect and, instead of taking time to solve it, they left just because they wanted it perfect immediately or never.

Of course, I've also been in online conversations with people, both male and female, whom I thought I clicked with initially, but our common interests eventually exhausted themselves and we had no more to discuss. It's not always a phenomena related to romance. Friends as well as potential mates disappear on a whim. It happens to the best of us.

The dynamics is different though. When the common interest "exhaust themselves" its a gradual process, in which both parties know they are bored with each other. On the other hand what I am talking about is where one person sees a lot in common while the other person ignores all of it because of some red flags that made it not count. I am especially thinking of scenarios where both people saw things in common but then due to red flags the other person denies what she used to feel herself as well.

I get the feeling you take things very personally though. You shouldn't really. You should shrug it off like the rest of us do, and keep moving. The more you look back, the more likely you will be to miss opportunities in the future. Let it go.

I think what makes it harder for me is that I don't have friends like others do. So when others are ditched they fall back on their support network of friends. I have nothing to fall back on.

Of course, when you ask "why," you need to be prepared for a totally honest answer, which in some cases is not to the person's liking. It could be that most people (esp. NTs) want to avoid awkwardness and possible confrontation, so they just split.

Yeah I have examples of that too. Here are some of them:

1. I told a girl that my mom shelters me and she decided that it means I require sheltering which she couldn't provide. But then she didn't give me a chance to explain that just because my mom shelters me it doesn't mean I require it; on the contrary I am mad at my mom for this very thing

2. A girl noticed that the skype kept acting up when I talked to her, and she decided I talk to another girl at the same time. Now this was the girl I had two year relationship with albeit long distance so this assumption was crazy and factually wrong

3. I told a girl that I have Asperger and she decided that it means that I am just like Sheldon in Big Bang Theory and don't have feelings. I didn't get a chance to point out to her that its silly to use some stupid movie as a medical guide for Asperger and just because I have a label doesn't mean I can't feel things

4. I told a girl about a school I was going to and she asked why would a good Christian guy go to that school because its party school. I thought she was joking with me so I just shrugged off that question and probably didn't even answer it. But then it turned out she wasn't joking, it was serious question. She then decided I am only into parties just because I go to that school, and I didn't have chance to explain that I am not partying at all.

Anyway, I admit all those cases hurt just as much as the cases where I didn't get any explanation, just in a different way. BUT the reason they hurt is because all those assumptions were wrong and I dind't get a chance to tell them that they were wrong. So still the factor of "not giving enough time" is there, and this factor is what hurts me. In one case, they "don't have time" to state their reasons, in the other case they "don't have time" to hear my rebuttal. But IF they were to give it enough time the who knows maybe things would have worked between us since I would have explained why their reasons are wrong. Or, IF they were to stick to their decision, then that would be because of some other, better, reasons which I would have been able to accept. Like for example if a girl doesn't want to date me because I don't have stable job, I won't be arguing with that. I am only arguing if it is silly things like above. Well if silly reasons are the ONLY reasons then why not address all of them and get back together? If on the other hand, those are just icing on a cake and there is something else, such as not having stable job, then I would have accepted it.

 

[AspieOtaku]

Dont trust anyone, that's my motto, those online included they are out to scam you! I am a lone wolf and will stay that way, nobody to tie me down!

 

[robertsomerville]

there's more to life than love
stop chasing pain

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

*crosses arms, sits in chair, opens drink and smiles*
I like this thread. I want to watch it and enjoy it.
I agree with many of you even when multiple points counter each other. I like the idea that started this thread and I like the counter that it is cynical when one should be hopeful. It's a statistic I'd like to see battled out and bare in mind that just because online is 9/10 in the "don't care" doesn't necessarily presume the 1/10 is an automatic success but instead that she just cares... I do know that when compared to the real world, exposure and encounters come at a far more rapid pace for some and slow for others so in times, while online is 1/10 chance of even getting anywhere in a given time, real life can be more like 1/300 before you get a decent date.

I do encourage people to be open about your actual statistics. I've had 3 relationships that started IRL and they were horrible horrible people that I should have avoided like a fallout. I've had numerous single dates that started IRL that turned out to be boring and neither of us cared for the other. I've had no successful relationship that started in real life nor have I met anyone remotely decent who liked me in real life. I have had 1 relationship that started online; it started rough because she was shy but it was a great relationship that had little wrong. It just ended abruptly which counts as a failure but is was far from miserable like ALL of my relationships and dates from close proximity.

The statistics don't match for me but I'm just dying to hear everyone's thoughts because ultimately it's a fool's errand to attempt an accurate quantification for the only subject more obscure than existence itself. But honestly that shouldn't deter any of you from pitching in. After all, a fool's errand is really a staple in story plot and can drive men and women to the outer rims of space or the deepest depths of the mind in search for answers.

What IS a quantifiable downfall to avoid that can be applied to all? Does your downfall come with restrictions and specifications based on background and personality? Do you believe the collection of human interaction can, in fact, be captured in one brilliant equation of a more accessible stream of logic in arrangements of variables and integers? Or do we give into the belief of unattainable factors given in any individual's free will- paving way to complete chaos and unpredictability? Would such speculation of statistical verification not require inclusion of all factors in the manner of personality, background, religion, age, sexual preference, practice, talent, IQ, ambition and the like? If the statistical inclusions were to be as vast as such, each in their own respect a lifetime's study, could it not be said that no one man or woman can learn all of these variables in one lifetime or else to know all possibilities to all matter of choices? Then so is it not true that no individual could calculate a reliable form of statistic representing any form of outcome resulting from the choice of two or more individuals of unknown origin?

But do go on, I love a good thread on relationships and how they are best or worst formed.

 

[Cali Cat]

*crosses arms, sits in chair, opens drink and smiles*
I like this thread. I want to watch it and enjoy it.
I agree with many of you even when multiple points counter each other. I like the idea that started this thread and I like the counter that it is cynical when one should be hopeful. It's a statistic I'd like to see battled out and bare in mind that just because online is 9/10 in the "don't care" doesn't necessarily presume the 1/10 is an automatic success but instead that she just cares... I do know that when compared to the real world, exposure and encounters come at a far more rapid pace for some and slow for others so in times, while online is 1/10 chance of even getting anywhere in a given time, real life can be more like 1/300 before you get a decent date.

I do encourage people to be open about your actual statistics. I've had 3 relationships that started IRL and they were horrible horrible people that I should have avoided like a fallout. I've had numerous single dates that started IRL that turned out to be boring and neither of us cared for the other. I've had no successful relationship that started in real life nor have I met anyone remotely decent who liked me in real life. I have had 1 relationship that started online; it started rough because she was shy but it was a great relationship that had little wrong. It just ended abruptly which counts as a failure but is was far from miserable like ALL of my relationships and dates from close proximity.

The statistics don't match for me but I'm just dying to hear everyone's thoughts because ultimately it's a fool's errand to attempt an accurate quantification for the only subject more obscure than existence itself. But honestly that shouldn't deter any of you from pitching in. After all, a fool's errand is really a staple in story plot and can drive men and women to the outer rims of space or the deepest depths of the mind in search for answers.

What IS a quantifiable downfall to avoid that can be applied to all? Does your downfall come with restrictions and specifications based on background and personality? Do you believe the collection of human interaction can, in fact, be captured in one brilliant equation of a more accessible stream of logic in arrangements of variables and integers? Or do we give into the belief of unattainable factors given in any individual's free will- paving way to complete chaos and unpredictability? Would such speculation of statistical verification not require inclusion of all factors in the manner of personality, background, religion, age, sexual preference, practice, talent, IQ, ambition and the like? If the statistical inclusions were to be as vast as such, each in their own respect a lifetime's study, could it not be said that no one man or woman can learn all of these variables in one lifetime or else to know all possibilities to all matter of choices? Then so is it not true that no individual could calculate a reliable form of statistic representing any form of outcome resulting from the choice of two or more individuals of unknown origin?

But do go on, I love a good thread on relationships and how they are best or worst formed.

It's a crap shoot, Church, my man (I'm assuming male).

There are too many variables. If it could be calculated down to a science, somebody would've already bottled that **** and put it on the market.

But, I agree, it is interesting to read the responses here.

I prefer meeting people online casually, not in any kind of dating format ... too much pressure there. Dating IRL is often wasted time I've found. You have a limited number of people from which to choose, and if you're at all out of the ordinary, or are looking for someone out of the ordinary, then you're a bit screwed. The odds of meeting a good match are not in your favor. However, online you can meet someone halfway around the world, and if you're resourceful enough, you can manage to get together if you hit it off. I did.

I had a 6-year relationship with a man who lived in England while I was living in California. We managed to visit each other regularly, and we were quite happy for a time, certainly happier than either of us had been with relationships that began IRL. We are still friends, but exhausted our resources to pursue our common interest, which was to travel together. Turns out we didn't have much else in common.

It looks like I may have found the love of my life online though. It's still too soon to tell if it will work out. There are many problems, but this particular man is one in a million. So, I highly advocate for relationships beginning and flourishing online. One just has to stay aware of the dangers, and not dive in too deep too quickly. Of course, that could be said of relationships IRL too.

 

[Shiznown]

Women are by far more successful online, because they have options and generally much higher standards than men, but they still have options to choose. Women in real life can have high standards, but the women who use dating sites generally have much higher standards, hence why they are on a dating site. There are of course a lot of women on these that expect a guy to be in the perfect situation in his life, owning a car, working at good $50,000+ career and owning his own house; meanwhile they are still living at home and workign at Starbucks.

 

[Cali Cat]

Women are by far more successful online, because they have options and generally much higher standards than men, but they still have options to choose. Women in real life can have high standards, but the women who use dating sites generally have much higher standards, hence why they are on a dating site. There are of course a lot of women on these that expect a guy to be in the perfect situation in his life, owning a car, working at good $50,000+ career and owning his own house; meanwhile they are still living at home and workign at Starbucks.

My best friend sometimes peruses the dating sites, and I have to laugh at some of the things women say they want in a man. If a guy had all that going for him, he wouldn't be on a dating site. He'd probably be somewhere happily married!

 

[Judge]

My best friend sometimes peruses the dating sites, and I have to laugh at some of the things women say they want in a man. If a guy had all that going for him, he wouldn't be on a dating site. He'd probably be somewhere happily married!

That's one thing I've elaborated about in other threads in this forum. Those people who insist on elaborate "shopping lists" of all the qualities and characteristics they seek- or worse, demand in a person. Which usually reflects little more than a personal fantasy that cannot possibly stand the scrutiny of real social interactions in pursuit of a meaningful relationship.

The reality is that we're all quite unique- in some very good and very bad ways. That one has to take people as they are...not how they aren't or could never be.

 

[Friend4any1]

I get your point, but as an AS man and someone my best friend calls “A big fish in a little pond”, both online and In-The-Flesh approaches involved too much trial and error on my part. I don’t even know if I can spare room in my life for that special woman!

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threa...kes-a-girl-attractive.3862/page-6#post-318853

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

I get what y'all are saying but here is where I'm coming from:
I actually have a lot going on for me in life such as owning my Dodge Challenger, owning the house that I built myself, owning a project Porsche, a speed boat and even begun running my own business (real business not something I do on a laptop). I can actually do pretty much anything between cooking to carpentry to architecture to plumbing to printing to prototyping to car repair and many other things. I study world religions and philosophy in my spare time, I'm a bit of a comic nut as well as a religion nut. I have my own sewing and embroidery station, two drawing tables, three serious computers, a full home entertainment system, two 3d printers and my own t-shirt screen printing shop.

There really isn't much more I could do with my life at this point. I have achieved many things that people twice my age still dream of. But it STILL doesn't matter. People nowadays don't seem to like grown adults who know what a semicolon is used for. People these days want someone who takes pictures in the gym mirror, lifting their shirts to show their abs. People want "swagger" and thrills now. Worst part for me is despite my IQ and ability to carry on conversations without bringing up sports, I actually live out in the country in ALabama... close to Mississippi. As far as local people, I might as well be a bloody alien. Online everyone is either too shy or so watered down with no solid philosophy that I haven't seen many with any backbone. Don't think that having your life together does much good for attracting a mate.

Get your life together anyway because owning your car and house and being able to do darn near anything is very fulfilling for yourself. But if you think the long list of high standards is a lot to ask for, try actually meeting those standards but still being shunned simply because you look Israelee or don't play football.

 

[Cali Cat]

I get what y'all are saying but here is where I'm coming from:
I actually have a lot going on for me in life such as owning my Dodge Challenger, owning the house that I built myself, owning a project Porsche, a speed boat and even begun running my own business (real business not something I do on a laptop). I can actually do pretty much anything between cooking to carpentry to architecture to plumbing to printing to prototyping to car repair and many other things. I study world religions and philosophy in my spare time, I'm a bit of a comic nut as well as a religion nut. I have my own sewing and embroidery station, two drawing tables, three serious computers, a full home entertainment system, two 3d printers and my own t-shirt screen printing shop.

There really isn't much more I could do with my life at this point. I have achieved many things that people twice my age still dream of. But it STILL doesn't matter. People nowadays don't seem to like grown adults who know what a semicolon is used for. People these days want someone who takes pictures in the gym mirror, lifting their shirts to show their abs. People want "swagger" and thrills now. Worst part for me is despite my IQ and ability to carry on conversations without bringing up sports, I actually live out in the country in ALabama... close to Mississippi. As far as local people, I might as well be a bloody alien. Online everyone is either too shy or so watered down with no solid philosophy that I haven't seen many with any backbone. Don't think that having your life together does much good for attracting a mate.

Get your life together anyway because owning your car and house and being able to do darn near anything is very fulfilling for yourself. But if you think the long list of high standards is a lot to ask for, try actually meeting those standards but still being shunned simply because you look Israelee or don't play football.

Interesting. With a laundry list like that, I'm surprised you haven't been snapped up already by some lucky person . You're not unattractive from your photo. Perplexing indeed.

Of course, living in Alabama could present some challenges to finding a suitable mate for yourself. I'm assuming that might be why looking "Israelee" puts some people off down there ... not the most open-minded spot on the planet.

I knew a fellow once (online) who lived near Birmingham, and he said everyone around the area lives and dies for football. It's practically a religion in itself.

I think you've simply landed yourself in a cultural wasteland. Why did you choose Alabama? Or was it thrust upon you by circumstance?

Seriously, though, on all the Internet you haven't found anyone to your liking? That's hard to fathom. I've met three or four men online with whom I've clicked in the past 10 years since my husband died. I thought that was a scant number. Certainly higher than the number I've met IRL though.

Well, you look young enough. Your special someone will surely come along ... probably when you least expect it. It doesn't appear to be a hindrance to you at any rate. At least you have your life in order. That's more than most can say.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

Interesting. With a laundry list like that, I'm surprised you haven't been snapped up already by some lucky person . You're not unattractive from your photo. Perplexing indeed.

Of course, living in Alabama could present some challenges to finding a suitable mate for yourself. I'm assuming that might be why looking "Israelee" puts some people off down there ... not the most open-minded spot on the planet.

I knew a fellow once (online) who lived near Birmingham, and he said everyone around the area lives and dies for football. It's practically a religion in itself.

I think you've simply landed yourself in a cultural wasteland. Why did you choose Alabama? Or was it thrust upon you by circumstance?

Seriously, though, on all the Internet you haven't found anyone to your liking? That's hard to fathom. I've met three or four men online with whom I've clicked in the past 10 years since my husband died. I thought that was a scant number. Certainly higher than the number I've met IRL though.

Well, you look young enough. Your special someone will surely come along ... probably when you least expect it. It doesn't appear to be a hindrance to you at any rate. At least you have your life in order. That's more than most can say.

I was raised here all my life. I've moved around a bit but most of my life I lived in Birmingham. Your friend is very right; everyone down here is religiously obsessed with Football. You go to the office of a church pastor and you will see only a few books about his faith but his office looks like a carnival stand full of prizes all themed on the ball team he worships. Football has regions and I think ours is the SCC region, it is apparently the top region in the nation. Within that region, Alabama's team has won like 98% of all the championships ever and the second best is like Auburn which is located inside AL. I've grown up in a church family lifestyle all my life and I have still yet to see anyone in the church who actually cares more about God than they do their team.

I appreciate the vote of confidence. I don't meet many people online for said purpose mainly because I just don't want to be one of those guys going around looking for a mate. I prefer to find places where I can make a stand for things and advise people when the world seems to be confused and backward. I have no ability to attract a person directly and I don't think I should. I just hope someone comes along that likes the way I stand out and make a loud noise against the crowds.

Admittedly, as soon as I get my business stable and profitable I will be looking into moving as far away from Mississippi as I can get before hitting the polar opposite land of left wing close-mindedness. It's just about working hard and being patient I guess.

 

[Warmheart]

Uh, well...

I favor getting acquainted online before transitioning to in person.
I am too obviously different for most men to notice my heart, mind, nurturing kindness and solid psyche.
The usual dating venue of hectic evening crowded restaurants put me at tremendous disadvantage.
If I don't slip into a stimmy hand-flapping non-verbal mime, some freaky shutdown/catatonia will freeze me all spaced out at the table. ( Stay calm, gents! There's just one of me... )
Or, if the restaurant has music, screaming kids, and fills up too quickly for me to adjust, the risk of me bolting abruptly and wandering away in space cadet mode is too real.
Dates do NOT happen in the serene, sensory-friendly quiet of a library, where I could get my mojo on.

I completely miss flirting in person. D'oh! Online, "I'd like to get to know you better" is understood by me. In person, I have challenges noticing subtlety.... then if I ever do notice flirting, it is usually days after the event. I am pleasantly shocked that someone penetrated my distracted Autie bubble.

Delayed mental processing puts me at disadvantage when meeting someone new, as does trying to co-regulate the back and forth of conversation. Convo with someone new in a busy place, if it is possible at all, really drains my battery. Remaining verbal is pretty dependent on a calm environment. (A woman with a mute button! )

Want to date this female autistic? Woo me online. Meet me for who I am, get to know my feelings and thoughts. Let me show you that I can be solid, grounded, understanding, supportive, sunny, loving and kind. After that, I am happy to meet in person.

Email and chat give me a chance to reveal my strengths, before I let the man see my challenges in person.
Maybe then we can go out to dinner at a very quiet place.
Why can't first dates happen at the library?

 

[Cali Cat]

Why can't first dates happen at the library?

Now, that would be a dream date for sure!

 

[Judge]

Admittedly, as soon as I get my business stable and profitable I will be looking into moving as far away from Mississippi as I can get before hitting the polar opposite land of left wing close-mindedness. It's just about working hard and being patient I guess.

It wouldn't surprise me if things pick up for you if and when you do move to a much more cosmopolitan location.

Being stuck in any perceivable "cultural wasteland" puts yet another negative spin on things socially when you really don't relate to rural locals on much of any level. I'd have been another "square peg" in such a place myself. Luckily I've always managed to live not too far from metropolitan areas in most cases to avoid that scenario.

 

[robertsomerville]

It's a bad idea. It doesn't matter their age, their location, their interests. 9 times out of 10, they really don't care about you. Why would they, they have some many men trying to talk to them. It's just the way it is. Don't make the same mistakes I have.

long distance relationships are a waste of time

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

long distance relationships are a waste of time

I respectively disagree. I have had one that, though ended abruptly, I would never consider a waste of my time. Wasting of one's time means the good experience had was far outweighed by the lack of one did not get. It would infer that one would have been better off not spending time with someone online and being alone. That's a pretty tall order there. Even in the bad relationships I have had, I always look to take something out of them as a learning experience so's not to have wasted anything.

People have often told me that long distance relationships can't work and I ask them "why" and they start to give these flimsy reasons. Here is one conversation I had with a woman in one of my painting classes:

Person- "Well, two people can't get to know each other without being next to one another."
Me- "Sure they can. These days we have video chats that allow us to see and hear the other person in close to real time. I can pick up on their verbal queues as well as their body language and it's very nice."
Person- "But it's not the same. You can't get the full experience."
Me- "You mean I can't smell them, therefore it's all wrong?"
Person- "No, it's just... you can't... everyone needs the warmth of another person eventually."
Me- "Long distance relationships do visit in person as often as they can."
Person- "No, that's not enough. You can't go without having someone else there."
Me- "Why not? I can spend hours every day with someone online in video chat, talking and enjoying their company as well as the charms of their personality. What's wrong with that?"
Person- "It's not enough! Everyone needs the touch of another person to feel the affection. You can't get that close when it's long distance."
Me- "Oh, you are talking about sex. You think long distance relationships don't work because they can't have sex regularly?"
Person- "Well, it is a critical part of being in a relationship and you can't go without it."
Me- "Maybe you can't go without sex but I have no problem with it. And I will also remind you that just an hour ago you claimed to be Christian when it was relevant to the conversation and now you are telling me that I can't even date someone unless I have lots of sex. That's a bit hypocritical don't you think?"
Person- "Well... I... um..."
Me- "Sex does not make a relationship work; dedication, communication, trust and respect does. I've lived most of my life without 'physical warmth of another body' and I haven't died from lack of sex yet. The fact that someone dedicates a lot of their time to spend with me is the essence of dating. We communicate better than most people even in close relationships and we have learned to trust one another. We have worked through things far easier and greater than most relationships because ours is based on communication instead of sexual attention. I'll take good communication and trust over sex any day."

Thing is- Everyone is different and there are people out there who prefer the quiet personal time of dedication with another person that can be achieved on Skype and don't need to be physically up each others' armpits all the time. There are even couples who get married but keep separate rooms just because both are autistic and prefer their own space; yet they are happily married and make it work. You may think it's a waste of time because it doesn't give you what you need or want but others would disagree. I would prefer to have a relationship where I delay the physical meeting until I know the person better.

This is the brilliance of this open discussion; because everyone is different. Robertsomerville, it would be great if you could articulate your opinion so others can learn where you are coming from and why. I think it would be good to hear the "why" after the opinion.

 

[Vanadium50]

People have often told me that long distance relationships can't work and I ask them "why" and they start to give these flimsy reasons. Here is one conversation I had with a woman in one of my painting classes:

Person- "Well, two people can't get to know each other without being next to one another."
Me- "Sure they can. These days we have video chats that allow us to see and hear the other person in close to real time. I can pick up on their verbal queues as well as their body language and it's very nice."
Person- "But it's not the same. You can't get the full experience."
Me- "You mean I can't smell them, therefore it's all wrong?"
Person- "No, it's just... you can't... everyone needs the warmth of another person eventually."
Me- "Long distance relationships do visit in person as often as they can."
Person- "No, that's not enough. You can't go without having someone else there."
Me- "Why not? I can spend hours every day with someone online in video chat, talking and enjoying their company as well as the charms of their personality. What's wrong with that?"
Person- "It's not enough! Everyone needs the touch of another person to feel the affection. You can't get that close when it's long distance."
Me- "Oh, you are talking about sex. You think long distance relationships don't work because they can't have sex regularly?"
Person- "Well, it is a critical part of being in a relationship and you can't go without it."
Me- "Maybe you can't go without sex but I have no problem with it. And I will also remind you that just an hour ago you claimed to be Christian when it was relevant to the conversation and now you are telling me that I can't even date someone unless I have lots of sex. That's a bit hypocritical don't you think?"
Person- "Well... I... um..."
Me- "Sex does not make a relationship work; dedication, communication, trust and respect does. I've lived most of my life without 'physical warmth of another body' and I haven't died from lack of sex yet. The fact that someone dedicates a lot of their time to spend with me is the essence of dating. We communicate better than most people even in close relationships and we have learned to trust one another. We have worked through things far easier and greater than most relationships because ours is based on communication instead of sexual attention. I'll take good communication and trust over sex any day."

She probably couldn't think of other things on the spot but there is a lot more than just sex when it comes to reasons why in person is better than online. I, for one, don't want sex before marriage; yet when I had long distance relationship that lasted for two years I still felt lonely. I guess I couldn't exactly hang out and go for movies, as well as see the friends of my partner when it comes to long distance thing. Maybe you don't realize it because you already have normal interactions in person (as evident from the fact that the above conersation took place in person) while I don't. To me, the relationship is crucial when it comes to making my life normal, which is what makes in-person part crucial as well. Incidentally, who knows, maybe if I was as successful as you are in life, I won't even care taht much about relationships on the first place. But I am not: I have nothing going for me other than having ph.d. for which I don't make much use of anyway as I can't get a job and my mom pays my bills. I need a relationship in order to improve my self esteem; you don't need that because your self esteem is high as it is.