Growing up Fatherless

[D'Andre]

How does fatherlessness affect an ASD person? I had an amazing mom, but I took it extremely hard...sort of like tumbling through life blindfolded. I'd so many around me recovering and being successful, building families, just very content. I'm stuck, like somebody said wait here for instructions, then never came back. I'm not trying to get pity, I'm just trying to understand why I CANT make sense of his absence. I'm a fighter but for all my life, I've been a wandering one.

 

[RotanotNino]

Well you can continue trying to make sense of his absence but it just boils down to the fact that he decided that he had better things to do than sticking around and looking after you. Please just consider that point. You were not only not a priority, but it doesn't even read like you were an occasional after thought to visit when it was convenient for him.
I do not state this opinion with any intent to make you feel bad. And I do hope that you aren't in some way blaming yourself for the sperm donor's lack of responsibility or decency. If you were a baby or low single digits of age when he left just how the hell could any reasonable person blame you for the scab's lack of love, decency or responsibility towards you?

My own biological sperm donor left about the time I turned four years old. The main reason we saw him just before I turned 15 was because my older brother told our mother that he wanted to see David, not because David had a change of heart. Various things happened between that time and when I went into the USN for four years at age 18 that convinced me that nothing had changed. I never told him that I was enlisting or going overseas and he never bothered to inquire about me so that he would know.

Fast forward to 2016, the year David turned 80. I saw him at my uncle's memorial service. He had lung cancer that was metastasizing. So about two years later my older brother and 17 years younger half sister decided that it was their job to instill a sense of filial responsibility in me to bond with David, presumably so he could get right with god or what ever. My sister's toddler like "But why? But why?" type refrains got annoying enough about the 3rd time I told her that we were done speaking. As for my older brother, about the second time he gave me crap for not feeling like traveling several hundred miles to see David before he died I let him know that that guilt attempt crap might work on his fellow believers but it was only pissing me off and would soon strain our relationship if he didn't knock it off.

David died in Summer of 2020 IIRC. In spite of entreaties from three siblings to consider attending his service, ostensibly so we could get a picture together of the five of us from his first marriage and the three from his second, I didn't bother.
I didn't get any satisfaction from his exit, but I didn't feel any loss either. He did stick around for his second batch and I give him credit for that. I am 23 years older than you are D'Andre. And I do have a dad, a guy my mother married when I was 13. So my situation is a bit different than yours.

Whether you elect to try to find that person, or write him off, or do something in between, please don't ever assign blame to the young child you were over 30 years ago for the donor's absence. It IS him, not you. To paraphrase a famous writer The fault, dear D'Andre, is not in you/ But in the donor, for he is a mere deadbeat.

 

[Slim Jim]

You don't have to follow in anybodies footsteps. Be your own person.

 

[Darkkin]

Growing up my parents were much better apart than together. They divorced when I was about four, but I still remember the yelling. I hated it. Still do. Dad ended up with a major TBI when I was about six, but even before that we spent a lot of time at our grandparents on the weekends he was supposed to have us.

All in all, it worked out better because between his autism and the TBI he was in a bad place physically and emotionally. Mom and both sets of grandparents raised us, Dad was just a fringe figure. It is coming up on a decade since he died from cancer, and as wretched as it might sound, I was more upset when I had to say goodbye to CatCat, after twenty years. My dad honestly wasn't involved with us enough to really elicit more than vague relative you see occasionally and exchange an awkward hello with.

 

[D'Andre]

Well you can continue trying to make sense of his absence but it just boils down to the fact that he decided that he had better things to do than sticking around and looking after you. Please just consider that point. You were not only not a priority, but it doesn't even read like you were an occasional after thought to visit when it was convenient for him.
I do not state this opinion with any intent to make you feel bad. And I do hope that you aren't in some way blaming yourself for the sperm donor's lack of responsibility or decency. If you were a baby or low single digits of age when he left just how the hell could any reasonable person blame you for the scab's lack of love, decency or responsibility towards you?

My own biological sperm donor left about the time I turned four years old. The main reason we saw him just before I turned 15 was because my older brother told our mother that he wanted to see David, not because David had a change of heart. Various things happened between that time and when I went into the USN for four years at age 18 that convinced me that nothing had changed. I never told him that I was enlisting or going overseas and he never bothered to inquire about me so that he would know.

Fast forward to 2016, the year David turned 80. I saw him at my uncle's memorial service. He had lung cancer that was metastasizing. So about two years later my older brother and 17 years younger half sister decided that it was their job to instill a sense of filial responsibility in me to bond with David, presumably so he could get right with god or what ever. My sister's toddler like "But why? But why?" type refrains got annoying enough about the 3rd time I told her that we were done speaking. As for my older brother, about the second time he gave me crap for not feeling like traveling several hundred miles to see David before he died I let him know that that guilt attempt crap might work on his fellow believers but it was only pissing me off and would soon strain our relationship if he didn't knock it off.

David died in Summer of 2020 IIRC. In spite of entreaties from three siblings to consider attending his service, ostensibly so we could get a picture together of the five of us from his first marriage and the three from his second, I didn't bother.
I didn't get any satisfaction from his exit, but I didn't feel any loss either. He did stick around for his second batch and I give him credit for that. I am 23 years older than you are D'Andre. And I do have a dad, a guy my mother married when I was 13. So my situation is a bit different than yours.

Whether you elect to try to find that person, or write him off, or do something in between, please don't ever assign blame to the young child you were over 30 years ago for the donor's absence. It IS him, not you. To paraphrase a famous writer The fault, dear D'Andre, is not in you/ But in the donor, for he is a mere deadbeat.

You are right. Having somebody say it to me clearly is refreshing. Fathers leaving some children than starting a new family really shows their lack of humanity. I don't seek a relationship currently, but at my age is feels so immature for my heart to cry out for a dad. But I guess it always will. I suppose I mourn the bonding aspect.
Your story is a powerful one. I can tell you're a strong person

 

[D'Andre]

You don't have to follow in anybodies footsteps. Be your own person.

Thank you. I like your posts

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My father was there physically but absent emotionally and for any guidance. He was an orphan from birth and spent his youth in orphanages then in the CCC and military until he was discharged at the end of WWII. He had no role model for fatherhood. He was a stoic in the most walled-off sense. While being needy herself, I was essentially raised by my mother, who, fortunately tried to give us enrichment and allowed me free reign for my interests, though smothering at times. All this resulted in a lack of agency on my part that I did not gain until my mid 20s. Despite this I have been able to craft a decent and rewarding life.

 

[Thinx]

I am sorry you went through this, its hard to cope with. Although also I think probably the amount of people who had actively supportive and available parents in the way we sometimes picture others having, is a minority. All kinds of things get in the way of that.

Our parents may have been brought up in difficult circumstances themselves. They may have deficits from lack of role models. They may be insecure anxious or struggling to make a living. They may have got in difficulties in their marriage or relationship that they couldn't understand or resolve. They may have got together with someone equally insecure or in difficulties as themselves.

Both of my parents were challenged by life and parenting, after less than ideal childhoods. They argued constantly at a low level that sucked the joy out of life for us as a family. My sister and I grew up with 2 insecure, childlike people who struggled to communicate. Hard to respect them, too.

Parents are often young people in a muddle with little support or guidance, rather than the storybook stereotypes of strong secure adults who always get things right and are lovable and kind too.

I am sorry for your loss, but glad for you that you had an amazing mom. Maybe she was partly enabled by your dad taking himself off and not cramping her style?

 

[D'Andre]

I didn't grow up fatherless at first, but my dad died when I was a teenager. And that was pretty much the worst thing that could have happened. Young boys need dads. I went on a 6 month long bender and no one could stop me. God himself could not have stopped me, I was out of control. Hopelessly lost for a while. Dads are important.

Yeah I'm learning more and more dads' presence in our lives, specifically in my case a male.

 

[D'Andre]

I am sorry you went through this, its hard to cope with. Although also I think probably the amount of people who had actively supportive and available parents in the way we sometimes picture others having, is a minority. All kinds of things get in the way of that.

Our parents may have been brought up in difficult circumstances themselves. They may have deficits from lack of role models. They may be insecure anxious or struggling to make a living. They may have got in difficulties in their marriage or relationship that they couldn't understand or resolve. They may have got together with someone equally insecure or in difficulties as themselves.

Both of my parents were challenged by life and parenting, after less than ideal childhoods. They argued constantly at a low level that sucked the joy out of life for us as a family. My sister and I grew up with 2 insecure, childlike people who struggled to communicate. Hard to respect them, too.

Parents are often young people in a muddle with little support or guidance, rather than the storybook stereotypes of strong secure adults who always get things right and are lovable and kind too.

I am sorry for your loss, but glad for you that you had an amazing mom. Maybe she was partly enabled by your dad taking himself off and not cramping her style?

Thank you for sharing that. Its true age doesn't always equal wise and grown

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I lived with my dad growing up and didn’t have my mom around so I grew up without a biological mom. The woman that helped raised me filled that role but it turned out later on that might have been a mistake because she became really toxic and abusive and would constantly bring up things I did wrong as a kid and how she sacrificed the best years of her life to take care of me and that she earned the right to go through literally everything in my apartment and that I clean her entire house and that I be 100% honest literally all the time and if I didn’t know the answer or was wrong then that equated to me “lying.”

I always felt out of place in school because I was the only kid I knew that lived with a single divorced dad. It didn’t help either that the woman that raised me punished me at times in some extreme and sometimes abusive ways usually over things that weren’t that bad and could have been prevented from happening if someone had explained some stuff to me better. My dad didn’t really do anything to stop these punishments and he really should have for a few of them. This woman also told me a few times when I was older that it was my fault my mom left because she didn’t want to put up with me. It’s hard to say if my life would have been better if this toxic woman never came into my life or not as she wasn’t always that bad and was actually really nice until I turned ten or eleven when the warning signs started.

 

[D'Andre]

I lived with my dad growing up and didn’t have my mom around so I grew up without a biological mom. The woman that helped raised me filled that role but it turned out later on that might have been a mistake because she became really toxic and abusive and would constantly bring up things I did wrong as a kid and how she sacrificed the best years of her life to take care of me and that she earned the right to go through literally everything in my apartment and that I clean her entire house and that I be 100% honest literally all the time and if I didn’t know the answer or was wrong then that equated to me “lying.”

I always felt out of place in school because I was the only kid I knew that lived with a single divorced dad. It didn’t help either that the woman that raised me punished me at times in some extreme and sometimes abusive ways usually over things that weren’t that bad and could have been prevented from happening if someone had explained some stuff to me better. My dad didn’t really do anything to stop these punishments and he really should have for a few of them. This woman also told me a few times when I was older that it was my fault my mom left because she didn’t want to put up with me. It’s hard to say if my life would have been better if this toxic woman never came into my life or not as she wasn’t always that bad and was actually really nice until I turned ten or eleven when the warning signs started.

Its so hard to pinpoint somebody's toxicity when its muddled with some good. I hope you're healing from this. People can bring so much pain to those they take upon themselves to raise. So sorry about that

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I lived with my dad growing up and didn’t have my mom around so I grew up without a biological mom. The woman that helped raised me filled that role but it turned out later on that might have been a mistake because she became really toxic and abusive and would constantly bring up things I did wrong as a kid and how she sacrificed the best years of her life to take care of me and that she earned the right to go through literally everything in my apartment and that I clean her entire house and that I be 100% honest literally all the time and if I didn’t know the answer or was wrong then that equated to me “lying.”

I always felt out of place in school because I was the only kid I knew that lived with a single divorced dad. It didn’t help either that the woman that raised me punished me at times in some extreme and sometimes abusive ways usually over things that weren’t that bad and could have been prevented from happening if someone had explained some stuff to me better. My dad didn’t really do anything to stop these punishments and he really should have for a few of them. This woman also told me a few times when I was older that it was my fault my mom left because she didn’t want to put up with me. It’s hard to say if my life would have been better if this toxic woman never came into my life or not as she wasn’t always that bad and was actually really nice until I turned ten or eleven when the warning signs started.

I am sad that you experienced this. Your stepmother sounds resentful and not like a person who would value the children in her life.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I am sad that you experienced this. Your stepmother sounds resentful and not like a person who would value the children in her life.

Actually that woman wasn’t my stepmom. She wasn’t even romantically linked to my dad. She was originally a woman who worked in the office management side of my dad’s business and he asked if she could help him take care of my sister and me because we were pretty young when our mom left us being seven and three and a half years old. My stepmom didn’t come into the picture until I was fifteen. The crazy lady always wanted to have kids of her own but never got the chance to and after the ectopic pregnancy incident (she had no idea it had happened until after her tube burst and made her extremely sick in front of my sister and me) she might not been able to have any. Honestly that is probably a good thing considering what she did to me. My sister escaped the abuse mostly because she was older and always mature for her age and able to take care of herself but she knew that this woman went a bit too far at times but could not do much to stop it given she was still a minor and didn’t want to make things worse. The woman even kept telling my therapist that I wasn’t growing up “normally” or becoming “mature” like I should even though a lot of that was her own fault for limiting what I could and couldn’t do or watch on tv and anything normal that a lot of kids do such as go through an older sibling’s room she over reacted to and acted like I had just killed a nun.

 

[Slim Jim]

Yeah I'm learning more and more dads' presence in our lives, specifically in my case a male.

You know, I'm reminded of Gary Busey. Every since I saw him 15 years ago. On his show "i'm with Busey" Instant fan. I just love his intensity. I wish he was my dad.

Spoiler

Actually that might be terrifying....but yeah I agree on principle..kids need fathers...no argument there...

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Actually that woman wasn’t my stepmom. She wasn’t even romantically linked to my dad. She was originally a woman who worked in the office management side of my dad’s business and he asked if she could help him take care of my sister and me because we were pretty young when our mom left us being seven and three and a half years old. My stepmom didn’t come into the picture until I was fifteen. The crazy lady always wanted to have kids of her own but never got the chance to and after the ectopic pregnancy incident (she had no idea it had happened until after her tube burst and made her extremely sick in front of my sister and me) she might not been able to have any. Honestly that is probably a good thing considering what she did to me. My sister escaped the abuse mostly because she was older and always mature for her age and able to take care of herself but she knew that this woman went a bit too far at times but could not do much to stop it given she was still a minor and didn’t want to make things worse. The woman even kept telling my therapist that I wasn’t growing up “normally” or becoming “mature” like I should even though a lot of that was her own fault for limiting what I could and couldn’t do or watch on tv and anything normal that a lot of kids do such as go through an older sibling’s room she over reacted to and acted like I had just killed a nun.

After that I hope that you are living a decent life and have some happiness. Nobody should go through neglect and abuse. This, and recent events make me so very sad, and with a righteuos anger towards people who have the authority to change things.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I wouldn’t say that I was neglected as I had everything I needed while growing up. My dad was busy with his business but he always spent the weekend off and at home so I did get to spend time with him. I just don’t think he really knew how to do things that a mother would normally do such as cleaning and cooking as he grew up in the 50s when things were very different especially in another culture. He thought it wasn’t up to him to make the rules or tell the crazy lady or my stepmom when they were taking things too far in terms of the rules and punishment because he didn’t want any trouble. In the Chinese culture, the wife/mother is in charge of the household and responsible for taking care of the children and providing all their needs and disciplining them. My dad was just stuck between the cultural expectations of what a father was and being in the US and a divorced father with two kids.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I wouldn’t say that I was neglected as I had everything I needed while growing up. My dad was busy with his business but he always spent the weekend off and at home so I did get to spend time with him. I just don’t think he really knew how to do things that a mother would normally do such as cleaning and cooking as he grew up in the 50s when things were very different especially in another culture. He thought it wasn’t up to him to make the rules or tell the crazy lady or my stepmom when they were taking things too far in terms of the rules and punishment because he didn’t want any trouble. In the Chinese culture, the wife/mother is in charge of the household and responsible for taking care of the children and providing all their needs and disciplining them. My dad was just stuck between the cultural expectations of what a father was and being in the US and a divorced father with two kids.

I think emotional neglect and abuse is still wrong.

 

[D'Andre]

You know, I'm reminded of Gary Busey. Every since I saw him 15 years ago. On his show "i'm with Busey" Instant fan. I just love his intensity. I wish he was my dad.

Spoiler

Actually that might be terrifying....but yeah I agree on principle..kids need fathers...no argument there...

I'm gonna check that out! I like busey too. His son looks just like him.

 

[Slim Jim]

Busey is....a very unique individual. He has the energy of 10 fathers with normal jobs.

Spoiler

Yeah I saw his son in 'contact, and I think he was in 'starship troopers. Not exactly alike, but very similar....no paternity tests need there..