Greetings from Banjoboy

[Banjoboy]

Hey everyone

I'm 22, a student from the UK and was diagnosed with Aspergers in May this year. Right now, I'm at a real low point, knowing that I face another 60+ years of existing without fitting in and of feeling utterly miserable. I do wish I was dead right now, something I gather is common with Aspergians..

Mine is apparently mild, in that it wasn't picked up in my early years or while I was at school. I said my first word earlier than average and walked my first step at a normal age - although I was never able to crawl - something that should have been a giveaway, even in the early 1990s.
I had fascinations with weather vanes, newsreaders and TV schedules as a child, and was bullied throughout school and really struggled with friendships. Also (shockingly ) I creeped out other kids by staring..
I managed to get through academically, despite never learning to revise or properly target an essay question. I fell apart in the second year of sixth form, and ended up taking time out, resitting my exams and doing a year of university before dropping out and then starting again this September.

To others with the condition, I guess this all probably sounds very familiar.. What's so frustrating about Aspergers (at least in my case,) is the fact I now have complete insight into being an alien, and knowing this is going to be the case for life. In the past few years, I've learned how to make small talk, how to flirt, how to modify my vocal intonation and basically convince people I'm normal.

But in reality it's all an act - I'm utterly lonely, hopeless with moving beyond acquaintanes with people, and completely stuck. I've had so many opportunities with people - be it friends or relationships, but blow every single one of them.

I've told a few people about my diagnosis and the reaction is always "wow, you don't seem it at all." Thankfully my family are fantastic, but this doesn't take away from the fact I despise this condition and would love to be dead right now.

But anyhow, thanks for reading this diatribe and it's good to be here
Banjo

 

[Suzanne]

WELCOME

You will feel normal here lol and will soon discover it to be the BEST forum ever to exist!

It is not all really doom and gloom for you already have shown that you can adapt to situations ie learning how to flirt and small talk.

I am officially, unofficially diagnosed! There are some who recognise me as an aspie but as yet, not confirmed by supposed "professionals".

When I have ventured to say to some that I have aspergers, I get exactly the same response as you ie wow, you look so normal, are you sure you are not just making it fit? So I am trying to control who I tell.

I am now 45 and spent the entire time of my life, just believing I was strange and for the most part, trying to adapt to life and yep, masks abound much.

I had no idea how to flirt at one time and now, I am too good at it, which causes my husband much distress!

Personally, I feel empowered by it, because at last, I know what is wrong with me.

What is so positive about having aspergers is that you are not stuck with being an alien, because we can adapt very well to society and I tell you, many find it hard to believe I am aspergic, because I appear to be confident, but that is because they are not in my life all the time and thus, only see glimpses of me. Whereas a good friend of mine, when I hesitantly told her that I have aspergers, she did not come back with anything negative because she is always trying to encourage me to better myself. She is amused because she is obese and single and yet, is confident, for the most part and yet, I am the opposite and have very little confidence!!

The worst part is because we have no choice but live amongst NT's who just seem to get on with things and it can leave us thinking: wow, how the heck can they do that and I feel so envious how they just adapt.

Despite how old I am now, I still freak out when I see tons of women together! I just feel so alien!

 

[Banjoboy]

Hey Suzanne, great to hear from you. And let's hope so..

For me, I hate the fact that mine is what is considered 'mild.' I would without hesitation, trade minds with someone who lacked the insight that they were abnormal. I hate that I cannot seem to make friends with people - although I can make conversation and am apparently charming. I can't do 'normal' things for people of my age.

I've never had a relationship - and have accepted I probably never will. Something like 9% of Aspergers marry, according to a recent survey - so statistics aren't exactly behind me.

I'm on fluoxetine at the moment and am down for some counselling/therapy in the New Year. What have you found has helped?

 

[Judge]

But in reality it's all an act - I'm utterly lonely, hopeless with moving beyond acquaintanes with people, and completely stuck. I've had so many opportunities with people - be it friends or relationships, but blow every single one of them.

Welcome to AC! I read this and all I can say is, "You're sooooooo not alone here. WE totally get what you are saying".

 

[Banjoboy]

Welcome to AC! I read this and all I can say is, "You're sooooooo not alone here. WE totally get what you are saying".

It's good to know there are others with the same problems. But it doesn't take away the fact I'm stuck with my mind for the rest of my life, and you with yours. I basically want to die right now.
What gets you through life? Thanks for your reply btw

 

[Judge]

What gets you through life? Thanks for your reply btw

Hope of the unknown I suppose. Life is occasionally strange, where once in a while some really good opportunities might creep into an otherwise dismal and lonely life. But self-awareness is the greatest tool you'll ever have to overcome whatever limitations you perceive. I only discovered my own autism in the last two years, and I'm approaching 60.

If only I was your age when I would have figured it out. I might have made some life-altering changes myself and those around me were unaware of at the time.

 

[Banjoboy]

Hope of the unknown I suppose. Life is occasionally strange, where once in a while some really good opportunities might creep into an otherwise dismal and lonely life. But self-awareness is the greatest tool you'll ever have to overcome whatever limitations you perceive. I only discovered my own autism in the last two years, and I'm approaching 60.

If only I was your age when I would have figured it out. I might have made some life-altering changes myself and those around me were unaware of at the time.

Wow, can imagine it must have been really tough for you. What were your experiences as an adolescent/young adult? I was born in 1992 - so a lot later than you, but still managed to get through school, and a year of university undiagnosed, and with people thinking I'm weird and just socially inept.

I also have a GP that believes Aspergians are just 'eccentric'..

 

[Judge]

Wow, can imagine it must have been really tough for you. What were your experiences as an adolescent/young adult? I was born in 1992 - so a lot later than you, but still managed to get through school, and a year of university undiagnosed, and with people thinking I'm weird and just socially inept.

I also have a GP that believes Aspergians are just 'eccentric'..

Things went from bad to worse at about age nine...all compounded by growing up in a military family where we moved around a lot. I went through life thinking I was simply an introvert largely because of being in a military family where you simply either sink or swim. Socially speaking I "sank"...

Where most social interactions and relationships have always remained arduous on some level.

 

[royinpink]

Welcome!

I'm trying to recall how I felt when I first realized I had Asperger's nearly a year ago at 26...at first I think it was a kind of shock which I coped with by reading everything I could about Asperger's and generally obsessing a bit. Like I just couldn't handle something this big and not knowing everything about it. Then (?) I felt a sort of relief at having an explanation. And almost as quickly, I felt awful that the 'solution' I was hoping to find was never going to come. But...I also felt I had kind of known that all along. Hope is funny that way, I guess (in that you can still have hope even if you're 99% sure what you're hoping for won't happen).

And it really really sucked that throughout the process, the doctors I saw were not understanding or trusting. They seemed to think I was a hypochondriac (due to the overanalyzing?) or just not 'severe' enough or, as I had been told all my life, just 'gifted and eccentric'. And when you are not sure what's going on yourself and trying to come to terms with it and have this thing acknowledged for the first time, it absolutely does not help to have people judging and second-guessing you and generally Not Getting It. They stuck me with an SCD label in the end and just explained away everything that didn't fit.

Since then, I've found a better psychologist who specializes in Asperger's. She has seen a lot of aspies and can say with some certainty that I fit the 'profile.' I like certainty. And I think everyone likes being listened to and understood. I've also learned to cut myself some slack, to explain myself better to others, to recognize things I do that are part of Asperger's and begin to find better ways of coping. It's not a lot, but I feel much better than I did a year ago (which isn't saying much, because it was kinda all up from there).

All that is to say, it might take awhile for you to get used to the label, but it's not all bad. I do know the process (and people who don't understand it) sucks and is good inspiration for several diatribes, but I also know it can lead to better things, if you keep searching. Even though there may always be days when we want to die. Learn to love that kid who was fascinated with weather vanes and TV schedules, if you don't already, and his detail-oriented, accurate self. You do have strengths. You seem to hold yourself to very high standards, and treat every 'act' or shallow/distant/ended relationship as a 'failure' and a statement of your worth. I mean, I get that. But it's not actually a statement of your worth. Try to give yourself a break.

 

[Banjoboy]

Welcome!

I'm trying to recall how I felt when I first realized I had Asperger's nearly a year ago at 26...at first I think it was a kind of shock which I coped with by reading everything I could about Asperger's and generally obsessing a bit. Like I just couldn't handle something this big and not knowing everything about it. Then (?) I felt a sort of relief at having an explanation. And almost as quickly, I felt awful that the 'solution' I was hoping to find was never going to come. But...I also felt I had kind of known that all along. Hope is funny that way, I guess (in that you can still have hope even if you're 99% sure what you're hoping for won't happen).

And it really really sucked that throughout the process, the doctors I saw were not understanding or trusting. They seemed to think I was a hypochondriac (due to the overanalyzing?) or just not 'severe' enough or, as I had been told all my life, just 'gifted and eccentric'. And when you are not sure what's going on yourself and trying to come to terms with it and have this thing acknowledged for the first time, it absolutely does not help to have people judging and second-guessing you and generally Not Getting It. They stuck me with an SCD label in the end and just explained away everything that didn't fit.

Since then, I've found a better psychologist who specializes in Asperger's. She has seen a lot of aspies and can say with some certainty that I fit the 'profile.' I like certainty. And I think everyone likes being listened to and understood. I've also learned to cut myself some slack, to explain myself better to others, to recognize things I do that are part of Asperger's and begin to find better ways of coping. It's not a lot, but I feel much better than I did a year ago (which isn't saying much, because it was kinda all up from there).

All that is to say, it might take awhile for you to get used to the label, but it's not all bad. I do know the process (and people who don't understand it) sucks and is good inspiration for several diatribes, but I also know it can lead to better things, if you keep searching. Even though there may always be days when we want to die. Learn to love that kid who was fascinated with weather vanes and TV schedules, if you don't already, and his detail-oriented, accurate self. You do have strengths. You seem to hold yourself to very high standards, and treat every 'act' or shallow/distant/ended relationship as a 'failure' and a statement of your worth. I mean, I get that. But it's not actually a statement of your worth. Try to give yourself a break.

Hey, thanks so much for this. I think you sum it up when you talk about the eventual realisation that the solution is never going to come. I'm at the stage right now of needing to accept that a life of loneliness and alienation lies ahead. I totally hear the stuff about being overanalysing as well. At times I want to blow my brain up.

Out of interest, what kinds of treatment have you found useful? I'm assuming from what you've said that you've had periods of depression/suicidal thoughts? Has medication helped or not?

 

[royinpink]

Hey, thanks so much for this. I think you sum it up when you talk about the eventual realisation that the solution is never going to come. I'm at the stage right now of needing to accept that a life of loneliness and alienation lies ahead. I totally hear the stuff about being overanalysing as well. At times I want to blow my brain up.

Out of interest, what kinds of treatment have you found useful? I'm assuming from what you've said that you've had periods of depression/suicidal thoughts? Has medication helped or not?

It's true that we will always feel alienated by the NT world, but I am sure it doesn't have to be a life of loneliness. And as I mentioned, at least since I know why the way I am now, I can explain it to people, which has actually saved me some interpersonal conflict and possibly my relationship. I usually find it's helpful to explain specific behaviors when they happen. And not to treat it as an excuse but just to recognize, like, I am trying to cope but this is why I'm not coping very well right now.

Up until now, I had found counseling utterly useless because therapists had no idea how to talk to me and I, them. Things are better with the specialist, but that is fairly recent. Prior to that, the only time it helped is when they acted more like a life or social skills coach and walked me through situations step by step, very practical stuff. Once they finally knew I was on the spectrum, I had to teach them how to understand and help me, which was hard. Now (with the new psychologist) I'm working on building self-image/self-esteem, woo.

Antidepressants I was a total failure at. We just didn't get along. At best, they made me sleepy and slow all the time (like cutting off that analytical mind I do love despite myself!). At worst, well, one time I blacked out and came to when I hit the tile floor nose-first. And sexual side effects. I would get severe side effects at just the 'starter' dose. I'm too sensitive to what I put in my body. But St. John's Wort has the mildest side effects I've found, for those times when I just need something to get through. Even with that, I need 1/3-1/2 the normal dose. Some people have better results. In fact, I remember when I was looking for drug information, there was a comment from a fellow aspie (and mother of an aspie) who said it had been a godsend for her and her family. Psychotropic drugs are SUCH an individual thing.

 

[royinpink]

Oh, I forgot to say, I'm glad you found my comment helpful. I tried really hard to put myself in your shoes! You seem like you're in a very negative place right now, so I thought it might be nice to look at some of the positives about being an aspie. If it doesn't resonate right now (Perhaps you can find a reason why every positive is actually a negative! But it works in reverse, too), maybe it will later.
A

 

[Digger]

Hi Banjoboy,

I'm also from the UK, bit older than you though (33). I've just been told I have Aspergers a couple of weeks ago. I had already got my suspicions and I went to an Aspergers charity to get assessed so it wasn't a total shock. Did your diagnosis come as a shock?

I understand what you mean about being stuck with it. I was in two minds about what I wanted the results of my assessment to be because I've spent so long wishing I was 'normal'. But for me, learning I have Aspergers is like an explanation for the way I am. It's a relief to know that I was trying my hardest after all, despite being told I wasn't trying hard enough.

You are not alone. You will get a lot of support from this forum. Would it help, do you think, to read some books about Aspergers? There are a lot, you will find a list of recommendations in the media pages on this site.

If you want to meet other adults with Aspergers then the National Autistic Society runs support groups, try here- http://www.autism.org.uk/our-services/find-nas-services-in-your-area.aspx There are lots of local charities too that might be able to help. I've not found the NHS too helpful, but it varies so much from county to county and also Aspergers in women is slightly different from what I've read, so isn't diagnosed as easily. So you might have better luck with the NHS.

I wouldn't worry about that marriage statistic, it won't include all the undiagnosed Aspies (and I bet there are plenty!). I've been married for 10 years and I've even got children. It's not always easy but you might find the right person.

Please don't go anywhere- you could phone the Samaritans if you need an emergency chat. I've phoned them before and they are really nice.

 

[StephF]

Hey B B, there's some good folks here. Hope you like our lil home.

 

[royinpink]

Hi Banjoboy,

I'm also from the UK, bit older than you though (33). I've just been told I have Aspergers a couple of weeks ago. I had already got my suspicions and I went to an Aspergers charity to get assessed so it wasn't a total shock. Did your diagnosis come as a shock?

I understand what you mean about being stuck with it. I was in two minds about what I wanted the results of my assessment to be because I've spent so long wishing I was 'normal'. But for me, learning I have Aspergers is like an explanation for the way I am. It's a relief to know that I was trying my hardest after all, despite being told I wasn't trying hard enough.

You are not alone. You will get a lot of support from this forum. Would it help, do you think, to read some books about Aspergers? There are a lot, you will find a list of recommendations in the media pages on this site.

If you want to meet other adults with Aspergers then the National Autistic Society runs support groups, try here- Find NAS services in your area - | autism | Asperger syndrome | There are lots of local charities too that might be able to help. I've not found the NHS too helpful, but it varies so much from county to county and also Aspergers in women is slightly different from what I've read, so isn't diagnosed as easily. So you might have better luck with the NHS.

I wouldn't worry about that marriage statistic, it won't include all the undiagnosed Aspies (and I bet there are plenty!). I've been married for 10 years and I've even got children. It's not always easy but you might find the right person.

Please don't go anywhere- you could phone the Samaritans if you need an emergency chat. I've phoned them before and they are really nice.

You said a lot of things I wish I had thought to say! I think we're bad at asking for help. ..I know when I need it, I don't. And it's really great to have someone who understands just offer it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Howdy!

 

[Banjoboy]

Oh, I forgot to say, I'm glad you found my comment helpful. I tried really hard to put myself in your shoes! You seem like you're in a very negative place right now, so I thought it might be nice to look at some of the positives about being an aspie. If it doesn't resonate right now (Perhaps you can find a reason why every positive is actually a negative! But it works in reverse, too), maybe it will later.
A

I definitely did find it helpful, thanks again. I will try and look at the positives, but they don't seem like much of a comfort right now. And yeah, I really am in a bad place. I've had 3 mental breakdowns before - two before I'd even heard of Aspergers and one when I was pretty sure I had it. I'm certainly going through another one now.

I don't feel alienated by the NT world as such. Although I must have appeared weird at school, I was mostly blissfully unaware of being different. I was bullied a lot of the time - but did have people I considered friends - up until around 16. Since leaving school, my insight has deepened, and I've learnt social skills - enough I'm told to appear completely normal. The psychologist I saw this spring who eventually diagnosed me said he was unsure as to whether I had Aspergers, until he met my mother who talked about my early childhood.

When I've been in the mood, I've been able to easily get on well with NTs, appear confident and sociable, go out to clubs, apparently charm people, have NT girls interested in me etc. I've even enjoyed doing things, but I have had this lingering feeling that I'm not like them - like an alien. And I seem unable to move into the realm of actual friendships..

Interesting what you say about therapists - I'm going to try and get my GP to refer me to someone with knowledge of the disorder. And I'll look into St John's Wort

 

[Banjoboy]

Hi Banjoboy,

I'm also from the UK, bit older than you though (33). I've just been told I have Aspergers a couple of weeks ago. I had already got my suspicions and I went to an Aspergers charity to get assessed so it wasn't a total shock. Did your diagnosis come as a shock?

I understand what you mean about being stuck with it. I was in two minds about what I wanted the results of my assessment to be because I've spent so long wishing I was 'normal'. But for me, learning I have Aspergers is like an explanation for the way I am. It's a relief to know that I was trying my hardest after all, despite being told I wasn't trying hard enough.

You are not alone. You will get a lot of support from this forum. Would it help, do you think, to read some books about Aspergers? There are a lot, you will find a list of recommendations in the media pages on this site.

If you want to meet other adults with Aspergers then the National Autistic Society runs support groups, try here- Find NAS services in your area - | autism | Asperger syndrome | There are lots of local charities too that might be able to help. I've not found the NHS too helpful, but it varies so much from county to county and also Aspergers in women is slightly different from what I've read, so isn't diagnosed as easily. So you might have better luck with the NHS.

I wouldn't worry about that marriage statistic, it won't include all the undiagnosed Aspies (and I bet there are plenty!). I've been married for 10 years and I've even got children. It's not always easy but you might find the right person.

Please don't go anywhere- you could phone the Samaritans if you need an emergency chat. I've phoned them before and they are really nice.

Hey, great to meet you Sorry to hear of your diagnosis so late. Mine wasn't a shock at all - although if it had come a few years earlier, it would have been completely. I've always had a horribly analytical/obsessive mind and been interested in peculiarities and remembered things like people's dates-of-birth, shop opening hours, schedules. But I thought this was normal for a long time, and guess I assumed I'd eventually outgrow it.

Pleased to hear you're coping reasonably well - and that you've found someone to share life with What have you found most challenging? And have you ever had therapy/been on medication?

I'll have a look at some of the books and a support group sounds like a good idea. I just worry that - not being a typical 'Aspie' - I may not fit in there either.

Thanks again for your post

 

[Banjoboy]

Howdy!

Hey, what's up

Out of interest, how do you go about doing the tests that your sig refers to?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It's able to be found through one of the threads in this forum -- I just forgot which one. That's an NT for you. One of the nice Aspies here should be able to tell you or you can ask King Oni or Brent. A Grumpy Cat Welcome again!!!