Giving Up

[Harpuia]

One of my serious problems is my stubbornness, and in this case it's my stubbornness in life. For the last 12 years, as an extrovert-lite, I have tried to introduce myself to people and make friends and relationships only to get knocked down or rejected over a misunderstanding or many times for no reason at all (unless a college girl telling me she doesn't date engineers or Asians counts as a reason). I had thought about all the different people who had seen how my life has unfolded and had seen just how extremely unlucky I've been in life except for my job, and everyone tells me it's because I am very risk-averse. Yeah, I'm risk-averse, when every time I take risks, EVERY SINGLE TIME, it blows up in my face, yeah, I'm very risk averse.

I have had people I know, peers, off themselves for far less than I'm going through now, and others have told me how stupid I am that I don't just give up after the 12 years, going on 13, of cycling through fake friends, being rejected by girls, my terrible luck in gambling (since I was 21 anyway), my terrible luck in making any sort of fast money (which I hear is an indicator of how much of a person you are), and other stuff like that. My bad luck even stems toward society. I graduated with my Bachelor's when the recession started! Literally the month when the Great Recession started! It's like it was just waiting for me.

So with about zero attribute points (heh heh) in the social/charisma department, and after endless years of practicing, I am ready to just give up. I'm too much of a coward to take my own life, but I feel like I should be ready to just let time fly by until it's ready to take me. I've done everything I could in these 12 years, and I'm sick of the optimistic people telling me it'll get better. No, it hasn't gotten better. It's gotten a modicum better since high school, by money alone. But overall, it hasn't gotten better. Socially, it's gotten worse. At least I had friends then, bunch of fakes as they were. At least I had an online social life. At least I had a pretty decent sized buddy list. I'm down to 4. Yeah, 4 on my AIM list, and one is dead.

I don't want to go out anymore. I don't even want to post anymore. I'm done. I don't want to go out, even to play laser tag, because doing so only reminds me that everyone else has someone to talk to except me. Even the Aspies group I was in finds me uncomfortable and doesn't want anything to do with me. Even online, I can't find people to talk to or hang out with. I've lost interest in just about everything. It's becoming a dread to go to work, but I have to in order to stay alive. It's even become a dread to look at myself in the mirror whenever I shave (and thank God it's only twice a week since my facial hair grows slower than most).

I just can't do it. I've thought about it over the last week. Thought about this try thinking this time it was different, and it fell flat in my face. I can't do it. Just... can't. I quit. I can't do it.

I don't even know if this is the right place to put this. Knowing my luck it probably isn't.

 

[cheetoe80]

It appears I've found my social equal. You sound as unhappy as I am. I don't think you've really given up though, because if you really felt there was no chance of any of it getting better you'd be able to kill yourself.

 

[Harpuia]

No, there are people who are too cowardly (like me) to take their own life, but would likely not try to get out of the way if a bus or a train was coming.

Hundreds of rejections can't be wrong. I'm just too cowardly or stupid to do the right thing.

I also know the reputation engineers have of never being able to develop relationships, and in many cases friendships, and being seen as creepy by other people. I'm 25 and I'm going down that road now. I've been called "creepy", "beta", and "stalker" SOOOOO many times it's now a trigger word. (My nickname in high school was Walker the Stalker). I'm told by the time I hit my age if I still never had a relationship, I might as well give up. And I can start seeing why.

 

[Arashi222]

This thread kinda looks it its a pity party. Harpuia we are all here to be supportive but the thing is part of it is attitude. You're attitude kinda stinks. Those words are just words you are the one that gives them meaning. I used to think that being called a drama llama was a bad terrible thing until I realized that I wasn't a drama Llama they just didn't understand me they were saying those things to hurt me to make me feel bad. Those people say those things to hurt you. Its not right but you have to figure out how to see past that and concentrate on yourself making yourself happy and not having it depend on other people. Its not perfect, its hard but at least then you're not letting other people decide how you should feel about yourself. I wish I could help you. I wish I could wave my wand and make it all better but that isn't possible to make it all better all I do is say. There are a lot of people here that would love to be supportive, that we love to have you hang out here, and that we all hope you start to feel better.

 

[cheetoe80]

No, there are people who are too cowardly (like me) to take their own life, but would likely not try to get out of the way if a bus or a train was coming.

Hundreds of rejections can't be wrong. I'm just too cowardly or stupid to do the right thing.

I also know the reputation engineers have of never being able to develop relationships, and in many cases friendships, and being seen as creepy by other people. I'm 25 and I'm going down that road now. I've been called "creepy", "beta", and "stalker" SOOOOO many times it's now a trigger word. (My nickname in high school was Walker the Stalker). I'm told by the time I hit my age if I still never had a relationship, I might as well give up. And I can start seeing why.

I know this isn't going to be super comforting but I hadn't had a relationship yet when I was your age.. of course I'm turning 32 this month and I've still only had one, and she left me.

 

[Gomendosi]

Hello harpuia, I want to address something that you said and I need for you to understand this is not a personal attack.

I feel that you need to be aware, discussion about suicide is a very touchy subject and needs to be handled delicately, not thrown about like any common topic. Aspergers is a situation that ranges from very light and manageable to extreme dark and crippling and I like many others here, have engaged in thoughts and possibly attempts at this self same subject you're discussing and, I have experienced suicide of friends and co-workers and don’t take your words lightly, and just so you are aware, the individuals I know who committed suicide were not cowardly as you suggest one would need to be, nor were they stupid and they most certainly didn’t do the "right thing'.

To suicide is to go against one of mans strongest instincts, that of survival (self preservation) and it takes a fair amount of fortitude to override that and actually end your own existence.
To be stupid enough to do it is an entirely perspective based statement, you might consider a suicide stupid, to them and their family it might have been an act of bravery, last cry for help or a determined effort to ease tremendous pain!
And lastly, to kill yourself, isn’t, the 'right thing' to do, it is one option in a myriad of available options to even those who feel they have none. To ever say you have no other option means you have closed your eyes to opportunity.

I am trying not to sound harsh in saying that you need to scrutinize your life more closely to determine if you are indeed at your lowest point, if you then feel you need help try to obtain it professionally or at least speak with anyone you trust to help determine the best course of action. It is not wrong to want to discuss it here as we are indeed all here to be supportive of one another and help if able, but it appears you may very well be going about it the wrong way, as I for one took your comments to be inflammatory.

In plain English, I would never suggest you're not serious, but bear in mind that we have to assume you are and that brings serious focus upon you and may cause severe distress for others who are already familiar with suicide or death.

 

[arthurfakaya]

I would strongly advise anyone who is experiencing depression involving suicidal ideation to see their GP / psych for professional help. Depression is a serious condition that most people experience at some point in their lives, but it is a temporary condition that can only be seen in its true perspective once you're through it. Suicide is never the answer because suicide is permanent, whereas depression is always temporary.

The other thing to remember is that logically if you are at one of your lowest points, then the only way from this point in time is up out of depression. I've experienced my own fair share of depression and suicidal thoughts and I remember feeling that I just wanted the world to swallow me up. But these low spells do pass, as much as you feel there is no way out and no hope.

I don't know what sort of family support you have, but at the very least you have the members of this forum who care for you and want you to recover from this. I have a son and daughter either side of your age (23 and 26) and I would be devastated if either of them was to seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I believe that depression is a natural response to the difficulties faced by those with ASD, but it can also have other root causes, which depression attempts to get us to address. If this is the case, then it could be beneficial to develop strategies to deal with those problems at the root of your depression. A psychologist might be able to help here, or even just people in this forum if that's the limit of your support network. Often it's much easier to talk with anonymous people anyway. I know it is for me. I for one would be happy to correspond with you directly, and I'm sure others here would feel the same way. If you need to talk please email me.

 

[alien girl]

dont give up! maybe you can try for aspie friends/girlfriends. i know there are places out there and you could find it in the search engine in google. other aspies will understand you better.
you make wrong friends because we cant read people and know what they're all about! so we keep making friends with the wrong crowd. i'd try for people who fight for animals rights. there are groups, or you can simply find someone like that in an unexpected place. like at my workplace this girl said she wont eat meat, milk or eggs. because she patted a calf once and it sucked on her hand and turned toward the place where they keep the grown cows and made that heartbreaking sound. they are separated from their mothers so the mother will save her milk for milking. and that girl has given up on milk because of that. that means she's a nice person and wont stab you in the back. someone real. someone you can trust.
or the vet that brings into the clinic feral wounded and sick cats and treats them for free. people might help a wounded person because if they dont they'll get sued, or go to jail. but nothing will happen to him if he doesnt treat the animals.
look for people who do things without a selfish reason and befriend them. make friends with the right people.
maybe there's an aspie forum in the place you live. check it out. make friends online with those who understand and wont judge you. and then meet them in person. who knows...
and get a pet.
we can live a good life and be happy despite our difficulties. i've found my nieces to be my best friends. try with your nephews and nieces and cousins. they'll grow and give you friendship and love and emotional support. i was there when they were toddlers and toddlers love everyone who gives them love, and when they grow, they dont forget you.
you dont have to be alone if you dont want to.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Sounds pretty much like what me and my NT boyfriend complain about.

Don't give up on relationships because of your age, there are tons of people who don't even date until they're way older.

 

[GhettoButterFly]

arthurfakaya made some very good points.

Harpuia, you need to seek help if you believe you're at a low point. This could lead to a break if you're not careful. A break during the teen years is way different than your twenties/thirties (I know your not thirty, but just saying). If you have to, check in to a mental health place to make sure you're okay. Also find a psychiatrist that specializes in Asperger's/Autism.

It's not good to be at a low point, but it only last for a short time. If it lasts more than a short time, seek help for the depression. I can't type anymore because this is kind of getting to me in a concern kind of way. I hope you're ok and seeking help before it gets to late. See a psychologist if you have to. They can talk to you and help you.

 

[Harpuia]

Sounds pretty much like what me and my NT boyfriend complain about.

Don't give up on relationships because of your age, there are tons of people who don't even date until they're way older.

Ever since I lost Elizabeth, I haven't really been able to recuperate. She was, literally, the only person who didn't find me repulsive. And I'm not joking. I've had four guys tell me to go kill myself in the last week. I'm not exactly a pretty sight.

arthurfakaya made some very good points.

Harpuia, you need to seek help if you believe you're at a low point. This could lead to a break if you're not careful. A break during the teen years is way different than your twenties/thirties (I know your not thirty, but just saying). If you have to, check in to a mental health place to make sure you're okay. Also find a psychiatrist that specializes in Asperger's/Autism.

It's not good to be at a low point, but it only last for a short time. If it lasts more than a short time, seek help for the depression. I can't type anymore because this is kind of getting to me in a concern kind of way. I hope you're ok and seeking help before it gets to late. See a psychologist if you have to. They can talk to you and help you.

I'm already seeing a therapist.

 

[Arashi222]

In response to what others are saying and again. You need to tell your therapist then. You need to really talk to them about what is going on and letting them know how low you are. I said it before I will say it again if you are feeling serious about hurting yourself you need to check in with a therapist. We can only do so much for you here. We all want to help and be supportive and talk. I think taking a real look at with your therapist on how to cope with the mean spirited people is probably a good idea. Allowing them to have so much control over you isn't good for you either. I hope you feel better soon, I hope you can find some support that you find helpful too.

 

[Gomendosi]

Ever since I lost Elizabeth, I haven't really been able to recuperate. She was, literally, the only person who didn't find me repulsive. And I'm not joking. I've had four guys tell me to go kill myself in the last week. I'm not exactly a pretty sight.

Harpuia, I think I saw the picture of you in front of the pizza shop?, I think that was of you anyway and if so, I can honestly say that you are far from being as hideous as you apparently imagine yourself to be.
My family brought me up telling me constantly I am ugly and I know now not to believe it, it is actually true that everybody is found attractive by somebody at some point and you have a lot going for you if the things you've written here are any indication, but the truth is that the one thing going against you is equal to the plus? in your life and that is Aspergers, you need to find a way to turn the factors of an aspergical nature into benefits.

Sorry if I seemed harsh in my last post by the way, I think I have a way of appearing too vehement about certain things, I hope you understood where I was coming from ; ]

 

[GhettoButterFly]

Well you need to talk to your therapist like Arashi222 just said in a later post. I don't want to repeat with she said, so I won't. I will say one thing, seek help if you feel the need to. I had to and I am doing great now. Forums can only do so much to help a person. Sometimes you need a real person to talk to or a friend to help ya.

Hope to hear some great news from you soon.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I'm at a low point right now as well... and as was said before, it is worse as an adult than being in teen years. You might want to consider printing what you typed here and showing it to your therapist, since they sometimes don't understand how low we are when we're in their office, acting like you act at an appointment, not putting things into organic words.

 

[Arashi222]

I'm at a low point right now as well... and as was said before, it is worse as an adult than being in teen years. You might want to consider printing what you typed here and showing it to your therapist, since they sometimes don't understand how low we are when we're in their office, acting like you act at an appointment, not putting things into organic words.

Actually I think HelloDizzy has a great idea. Print it out and bring it with you. Because you have put into words here what maybe you have been unable to while you are there. HelloDizzy that was some great advice. She's right...I find that when I worked with clients I would actually have them keep a journal of sorts we called something different but it was basically those things that we could look over so we could work on specific things rather than just talking during the appointment

 

[total-recoil]

"my terrible luck in making any sort of fast money (which I hear is an indicator of how much of a person you are),"

And what you hear is incorrect. Money is not an indication of how successful you are but society teaches that (and wrongly) .
I can finally see quite clearly how, in actual fact, society is failing because it emphasises money and personal gain instead of technology. Tragically, we perceive ourselves as being failures if we lack big cars, girls swarming around us due to our money and a lucrative career. Yes, friends then turn out to be false.
I recently stopped taking in the nonsense society has been teaching me since I was at school. The stuff about having to be cool, having material things, being popular, rich and so on. I got rid of the TV.
What matters is what's inside. Also the emphasis should be on science and technology, not material gain.
I do feel the same way you do sometimes. I mean, I feel deep down a failure but then logic dictates I should ask why? Truth is I'm not a failure. I may look like a run-down dude who rides an MTB to get around but deep down I know I have decent values and can't tread on others to get where I want to be.
Maybe you should take a deep breath and begin to rethink the values you were taught by society. And find real friends who aren't just focused on materialism and so on.

 

[total-recoil]

Agreed. Find the positive. Actually I found Zen has helped me a lot. Zen isn't a religion but an Eastern philosophy that teaches the importance of balance. In nature, there is positive and negative and both must be balanced. Yet there has to be negative to understand and know the positive. Thus to be happy you need to know grief, to be laughing you need to know how to cry, to know light you need to have known the dark. No dark = no light.
Every cloud has a silver lining. Every rainy day will be followed by the sun. I've had very very low, awful periods but somehow came through and can deal with it better. Hope that helps a little.

 

[Harpuia]

Agreed. Find the positive. Actually I found Zen has helped me a lot. Zen isn't a religion but an Eastern philosophy that teaches the importance of balance. In nature, there is positive and negative and both must be balanced. Yet there has to be negative to understand and know the positive. Thus to be happy you need to know grief, to be laughing you need to know how to cry, to know light you need to have known the dark. No dark = no light.
Every cloud has a silver lining. Every rainy day will be followed by the sun. I've had very very low, awful periods but somehow came through and can deal with it better. Hope that helps a little.

The issue I've been having is that there aren't any positive things in my life and there are several dozen negatives. Some of the things on the negative end that I would see as positive or neutral about me about 95% of other people see as negative. Example: I got in a fight in a chat the other day for example because I suddenly heard a song that reminded me of my ex-gf, and then I got ambushed by two guys who told me I was worthless and I should go kill myself... and I went off on them. I don't feel like giving details unless you want to PM me or something. Doesn't limit itself to behavior either, also to interests. Which is why I have trouble talking about my interests period.

So I'm trying to say: With that much of a barrier for me in making friends, what is the point?

 

[total-recoil]

I try to avoid negative feedback. Someone once told me I was a failure and a liability. It hurt real real deep. Then I came to a conclusion this was crap. It wasn't true. I just avoid people who will pull others apart.
There is a point. You need to give time to time because you don't yet know what your future might be. For now, let me say there are decent people out there and I have always found that to be the case. Also there are people who can really hurt you and make you feel like garbage. I have experienced that feeling of utter despair but find it passes. I hope somehow I'm helping. Don't give up and try to see beyond the here and now.