One of my serious problems is my stubbornness, and in this case it's my stubbornness in life. For the last 12 years, as an extrovert-lite, I have tried to introduce myself to people and make friends and relationships only to get knocked down or rejected over a misunderstanding or many times for no reason at all (unless a college girl telling me she doesn't date engineers or Asians counts as a reason). I had thought about all the different people who had seen how my life has unfolded and had seen just how extremely unlucky I've been in life except for my job, and everyone tells me it's because I am very risk-averse. Yeah, I'm risk-averse, when every time I take risks, EVERY SINGLE TIME, it blows up in my face, yeah, I'm very risk averse.
I have had people I know, peers, off themselves for far less than I'm going through now, and others have told me how stupid I am that I don't just give up after the 12 years, going on 13, of cycling through fake friends, being rejected by girls, my terrible luck in gambling (since I was 21 anyway), my terrible luck in making any sort of fast money (which I hear is an indicator of how much of a person you are), and other stuff like that. My bad luck even stems toward society. I graduated with my Bachelor's when the recession started! Literally the month when the Great Recession started! It's like it was just waiting for me.
So with about zero attribute points (heh heh) in the social/charisma department, and after endless years of practicing, I am ready to just give up. I'm too much of a coward to take my own life, but I feel like I should be ready to just let time fly by until it's ready to take me. I've done everything I could in these 12 years, and I'm sick of the optimistic people telling me it'll get better. No, it hasn't gotten better. It's gotten a modicum better since high school, by money alone. But overall, it hasn't gotten better. Socially, it's gotten worse. At least I had friends then, bunch of fakes as they were. At least I had an online social life. At least I had a pretty decent sized buddy list. I'm down to 4. Yeah, 4 on my AIM list, and one is dead.
I don't want to go out anymore. I don't even want to post anymore. I'm done. I don't want to go out, even to play laser tag, because doing so only reminds me that everyone else has someone to talk to except me. Even the Aspies group I was in finds me uncomfortable and doesn't want anything to do with me. Even online, I can't find people to talk to or hang out with. I've lost interest in just about everything. It's becoming a dread to go to work, but I have to in order to stay alive. It's even become a dread to look at myself in the mirror whenever I shave (and thank God it's only twice a week since my facial hair grows slower than most).
I just can't do it. I've thought about it over the last week. Thought about this try thinking this time it was different, and it fell flat in my face. I can't do it. Just... can't. I quit. I can't do it.
I don't even know if this is the right place to put this. Knowing my luck it probably isn't.
I have had people I know, peers, off themselves for far less than I'm going through now, and others have told me how stupid I am that I don't just give up after the 12 years, going on 13, of cycling through fake friends, being rejected by girls, my terrible luck in gambling (since I was 21 anyway), my terrible luck in making any sort of fast money (which I hear is an indicator of how much of a person you are), and other stuff like that. My bad luck even stems toward society. I graduated with my Bachelor's when the recession started! Literally the month when the Great Recession started! It's like it was just waiting for me.
So with about zero attribute points (heh heh) in the social/charisma department, and after endless years of practicing, I am ready to just give up. I'm too much of a coward to take my own life, but I feel like I should be ready to just let time fly by until it's ready to take me. I've done everything I could in these 12 years, and I'm sick of the optimistic people telling me it'll get better. No, it hasn't gotten better. It's gotten a modicum better since high school, by money alone. But overall, it hasn't gotten better. Socially, it's gotten worse. At least I had friends then, bunch of fakes as they were. At least I had an online social life. At least I had a pretty decent sized buddy list. I'm down to 4. Yeah, 4 on my AIM list, and one is dead.
I don't want to go out anymore. I don't even want to post anymore. I'm done. I don't want to go out, even to play laser tag, because doing so only reminds me that everyone else has someone to talk to except me. Even the Aspies group I was in finds me uncomfortable and doesn't want anything to do with me. Even online, I can't find people to talk to or hang out with. I've lost interest in just about everything. It's becoming a dread to go to work, but I have to in order to stay alive. It's even become a dread to look at myself in the mirror whenever I shave (and thank God it's only twice a week since my facial hair grows slower than most).
I just can't do it. I've thought about it over the last week. Thought about this try thinking this time it was different, and it fell flat in my face. I can't do it. Just... can't. I quit. I can't do it.
I don't even know if this is the right place to put this. Knowing my luck it probably isn't.