Girls, how did you get a guy?

[yesithinkso]

I'm in my mid-20s, and the only kind of touching I've done with a guy is where I tapped him on the shoulder so I could get his attention. I'm not a very touchy-feely person to begin with and I used to be very uncomfortable with any physical contact, but lately I've been craving for physical intimacy and I don't know how to get it.

I think I'm typical for someone on the spectrum in that I'm reserved and somewhat rigid, and while no one will mistake me for a man I'm also not feminine in a stereotypical way. I don't think it causes me to give off a lesbian vibe, but I also think that makes some people think I'm "ugly" or "frumpy" (although objectively I have a pretty face and a slightly overweight body). I'm not interested in these people though.

So ladies, how did you get a guy, who made the first move, and how long since the first meeting did things finally take off? Details will be appreciated.

 

[Progster]

Well, it's a long story, but this is how it went: I was sitting waiting for the bus reading a book, when a girl came up to me and asked me about the book I was reading, and whether I would recommend it to her or not. We talked a bit about books, then she invited me for coffee another day. I accepted. When I went to her house, I met her brother, who turned out to be a lot like me, a deep thinker, very knowledgeable and with similar interests (apart from the sports) and an interesting person to talk to, and the whole thing developed from there - a friendship, and then a more intimate relationship about a year later. Oh, and he made the first move.

I think the key to success is not to go looking for it, and don't rush it, because then you're more likely to attract the wrong sort of person, the kind of person who is just looking for one thing and is going to take advantage of you. That is just going to make you feel bad about yourself afterwards, and could be dangerous. The worst kind of place is a bar. Visiting shops, conferences, clubs associated with a special interest is a good idea because you're more likely to find someone with the same interests. Also, online forums associated with a hobby or special interest are another place where you could meet someone.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Well, I was in the middle of my cross-dressing phase and had my boy cut hairstyle when I met my husband, so I guess you can't fully scare off a determined one.

We'd both just started college, and we and two others sort of formed a little group on the first day. We all sat by each other in classes we shared and usually took our breaks together. Heh, kind of funny that he actually helped form a crutch of a routine for me because I always sat on his right side due to him being left-handed. You don't put a right-handed person on the left side of a left-handed person. How I unintentionally caught his interest was arguing math with the one we deemed the most intelligent in our little bunch. (And I was right, by the way. Just Aspie miscommunication botching my verbal skills, but I proved my point with pencil and paper. ) Quite impressed him. His first compliment was my intelligence and not my body, big points! I was also the go-to person in our bunch for making good study guides that were neat, orderly, and easy to study. Because I was cross-dressing, I felt pretty confident I'd eliminated the interest of the usual trash that wouldn't leave me alone, so I could be as confident, friendly, intelligent, and crack as many jokes as I pleased without a backlash. I also wasn't hunting at the time because I had been working on a shy guy I knew elsewhere for 10 months. But I managed to catch my husband's interest anyway, and he kept pestering me nonstop. Ya know how hard it is to concentrate in class with some dude poking you in the ribs all the time?

Increasingly long story short, I went about it chronologically since I had NEVER been a position of having two guys flirting with me before. And my husband was getting more flirty by the day and we'd started talking on the phone occasionally while we drove away from school. I was tired of being a "good little girl" that some nuisance was telling me to be with 10-month guy, so I just asked him point blank if he wanted to go out. He'd just started a relationship, so with a clear conscious I was able to do the same with my husband and ask him out over the phone during one of our afternoon chats on the way home. I'd just been patient for 10-months with another dude because I stupidly played nice with a crazy lady, I wasn't being patient a second time. He said yes, we started a relationship three weeks after we had met the first time, and got married a year later.

 

[Adora]

Im extremely shy and introverted person and because of that I did struggle when it came with the opposite sex,I'm am very girly but also a nerd aswell and it sometimes acted as a problem for me since one time years ago I ended up boring a guy about comic books and movies that he didn't see me again,but sadly that wasn't the worst I experienced with men there were other stuff I experienced that I rather not go into detail about but despite all of that i did find someone and got married.we are opposites but he is very understanding with some of my quirks,although he does zone out when I go on about comics my doll Collection though

 

[DogwoodTree]

I was in college and reluctantly attended a campus ministry meeting that a friend recommended. It was halfway through the school year, so the guys who hadn't hooked up at the beginning of the year were looking for a date and a couple were specifically interested in me (they didn't know much of anything about me...just that I was decently cute and available). Thing is, I wasn't interested in any of them. No...I fell for the guy who had been dumped by his long-time girlfriend a few months earlier and wasn't really looking for anyone yet. And then his parents lost their store, and he didn't think it was fair to be dating anyone while going through that. But I told him I would wait, and that he was worth it. So we started dating, lol. (And he most definitely was worth it...many times over.)

FWIW, a lot of the "stuff" that makes me seem less feminine (introversion, insecurities, tomboyishness, whatever)...a lot of that just didn't interfere once the crush took hold and I got more comfortable with the guy. It's like he was invited into my inner world, which is much more alive than the outer one.

 

[Suzanne]

Well, first off all, I was not even looking for a man. I had the opinion that no man would ever want me for a wife; never occurred to me that I seemed ok with getting boyfriends; oh not inundated with them, but by the age of 21, I had had a few boyfriends and one, who I met when I was 18, I fell in love with him and we lasted for nearly 3 years. I also, had not even heard of aspergers at this point in my life and just thought I was a rubbish person ie no one seemed to gravitate to me, so there must be something wrong with me, ie I am not appealing.

I was at a "friend's" place; only constituted as a friend, because she lived opposite my gran, whom I was living with and we sort of got to chat due to my youngest sister, being friend's with one of her daughters. Anyway, a ton of horrible stuff resurfaced from my past, which I stupidly trusted this woman with and before I knew what had hit me, the police got involved which actually resulted in my "father" being arrested for sexual abuse. Basically, she felt that what I revealed to her, was too much for her to bare alone and thus, she confided in a male friend ( later found out that they were actually sleeping together). He said that even if I was wrong or etc, that she was obliged to go to the police with this information! The arrest took place because I had to make a choice and I chose to tell the truth about my past, which ended up father being arrested.

Anyway, this male friend" for some unknown reason, was curious to meet me and I was curious to know why he was curious lol but that the same time, was petrified because of the inevitable scrutiny. So, there I was, in her living room and the door opened and in walked this tall and very sexy and handsome man and to say I was thrown, was a bit of an understatement lol and worse still, my heart dropped because as usual, a guy I find hot as heck, is taken!!!

He went out of his way to make me uncomfortable but because I couldn't read him, I felt extremely uncomfortable. It hurt that he would mock me and openly showed that I was an inconvenience and so, because I hate being a pain, I decided the best thing to do was to stop going around. After all, I did not want to intrude on their privacy.

I did not even figure anything when I got a phone call to ask why I was not going around?

Cutting an already long story shortish lol he invites me over to his flat one evening and again, I was just pleased that I must have been wrong that he didn't like me, for he was inviting to his home. Never occurred to me that he fancied me lol

So the night I was there, he revealed that he could not cope with his feelings anymore and that he fancied me like crazy and apparently, when he first saw me, he was blown away with how sexy I looked ( oh if I had known, it would have saved a lot of mental anguish). He also related that his relationship with this other woman, had ended some week's ago, because he felt that he needed time on his own. I should add that he was caring for his gran and she died at that point, and he decided he wanted to be single for a while. But hehehe sadly, a certain red headed sexy woman kept intruding in on his thoughts, until he had no choice but to invite her over and may be reveal what was in his heart.

He explained that he had no choice but to treat as though he didn't like me, because first of all, it was not his way, to go around fancying other women, whilst in a relationship and second, he knew I was in a bad place and felt it would be taking advantage of me and so, did all he could to push his feelings away.

The amusing thing was that he told me the same night that he was sure he was falling in love with me. I admit, that although I did find him incredibly good looking and fancied him, I did not love him.

6 month's later, we got married and next month, are celebrating our 24th!

Not an easy marriage by any means, but as we both agreed this morning: yes, we do not get on most of the time, but when we do, we are formidable together. We always hold hands; kissing and cuddling and that is despite me not being a very demonstrative woman and hugs are just because I know they are meant with love, for I feel nothing when I hug!

 

[Slithytoves]

Before I answer from my own experience, I feel compelled to mention that letting a desire for physical intimacy (sexual or otherwise) drive your search for a dude isn't the best idea. Unless you feel truly prepared for and interested in everything else that goes with a relationship, I'm worried you could find yourself unhappy pretty easily. Not to mention that men seem to have a sense for this sort of thing, so you may end up getting attention from the wrong ones if you are oozing, "I want touch." I'm not saying that's necessarily what you're doing. It's just something I feel the need to put out there.

I am by no means a man magnet. I'm not especially pretty, I'm not classically feminine and my personality is pretty darn strong. Weirdly, though, most men who do get to know me well (as friends or in even a professional capacity) end up having feelings for me unless they're gay. Why this happens is a mystery to me. I can't claim any special appeal whatsoever that I can think of. Maybe I only let certain kinds of people really get to know me, or only certain kinds of people bother to try.

I don't ever go gunning for a guy, so I can't give too many pointers on that. I guess I "get" men by just being myself and not having any agenda at all. Men seem to feel safer getting to know me if they don't detect any particular desire on my part to make anything romantic happen.

Every relationship I've been in started very non-traditionally in one way or another, except for one disastrous time when I let my mother set me up with a guy who worked for my stepdad. My current partnership with AC moderator Harrison, which is about to become a marriage next month, started when my friend Nadador (who knew Harrison from AC) convinced him to email me. We knew immediately we had found something with tremendous potential and things have moved very quickly. We were already very invested before we physically met. Luckily things worked out as brilliantly in person as we thought they could. Putting the cart quite so far before the horse is definitely not something I would usually recommend, but when you've lived long enough to know exactly what you do and don't want, and then find THE person, you don't need to play by any rules but the ones you both agree to.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Every relationship I've been in started very non-traditionally in one way or another, except for one disastrous time when I let my mother set me up with a guy who worked for my stepdad.

My mom only tried to set me up one time with one of her regular customers at the place she worked. The night I called him, our dads commandeered the conversation and had us relay messages between them of "do you know that guy?". Turns out, cutie-pie was my cousin! Neeeeever let my mom set me up again, and furthermore I never looked around in my county again!

My current partnership with AC moderator Harrison, which is about to become a marriage next month

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


Congrats.

 

[Karin]

I had my first boyfriend at 22 because I felt I couldn't go around being a virgin any longer. I just picked a guy who was looking for anyone and it's not a thing I am proud of as I didn't honor myself in this. Plus the guy was goofy looking and stupid. Couldn't I have been just the least bit picky?

I met first husband at 24. It was the day of the year where the Easter beer is introduced and the universities don't really do class but hang around and drink it. One of my friends had an acquaintance that hung out with us. We got bored with the drinkers, all three went to his place to see a fun movie, he invited me out (first time ever) and a week later we were dating. Stayed together for 7 years.

 

[watersprite]

I met my ex-husband at a talk about various spiritual paths, when at the end there was refreshments and he spoke to me. I liked what he said & that there was humor in his voice. When he asked me to go for a walk at the beach the next weekend, I decided he was a nice guy when he brought for me an excellent tuna fish sandwich. The marriage lasted 8 years or so and we parted without rancor.

 

[Slithytoves]

My mom only tried to set me up one time with one of her regular customers at the place she worked. The night I called him, our dads commandeered the conversation and had us relay messages between them of "do you know that guy?". Turns out, cutie-pie was my cousin! Neeeeever let my mom set me up again, and furthermore I never looked around in my county again!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Congrats.

Why, thank ya!

I'm glad to get affirmation that not everybody in Appalachia dates their relatives.

The guy my parents set me up with was really something. The first time he called me he apologized for his scratchy voice; it was from the breathing tube he'd had inserted while one of his testicles was removed the day before. Uhhh, nobody had bothered to mention anything about that situation. Poor guy. Testicular cancer at 40. Then the first time I went to his house, I saw that it was literally plastered with multiple framed images of John F. Kennedy, Pope John Paul II and the Virgin Mary. At what point did my parents decide this was the guy for me?

 

[Lealea]

In regards to this I consider myself very lucky,at 16 I had just started collage studying catering, there were a few guys who were interested in me but they grew tired when I couldn't talk to them. I was there for a month when a late starter arrived and I took an instant dislike to him (first impressions he seemed cocky and arragant) he didn't bother with me until he asked me for my number a few days later, so I give it to him because he was cute and I wasn't really expecting anything to come of it. But after that he wouldn't leave me alone (in a good way) it felt like he was really interested. So for a good few weeks he would talk excessively and I would nod and shrug my sholders, after a while I just got used to him being there and got more confident around him and then I could actually have a conversation with him.

We moved in together a few months later and now I've been stuck with him for nearly nine years

If your looking for a relationship it should be founded on the things you have in common, then it's more likely to succeed, maybe take up a class and do stuff that gets you meeting new people. I'm a tomboy too and guys do like that, his face when I beat him on a car racing game on the Xbox while wearing nothing but my underwear was priceless lol

 

[yesithinkso]

Good stuff, guys. Thanks.

I had my first boyfriend at 22 because I felt I couldn't go around being a virgin any longer. I just picked a guy who was looking for anyone and it's not a thing I am proud of as I didn't honor myself in this. Plus the guy was goofy looking and stupid. Couldn't I have been just the least bit picky?

Well, actually, I think at this point I just don't want to go around being a virgin either. I don't necessarily want a boyfriend/husband, per se, just the experience that usually comes with having one. Ideally I do want someone I at least like/respect as a person, but as far as I can tell not even people I don't like/respect are coming after me (if they do they're doing it very subtly, and guys aren't supposed to be subtle).

 

[grommet]

I am a guy and I have only once been with a woman who was a virgin and I got my feelings hurt. She wasn't an unkind person but I think she wanted to lose her virginity more than spend time with me in particular. I liked her and hoped we would be dating, especially after our intimate time together. But she didn't want that. Communication is so important but we are all only people and sometimes even when we do our best we can still be ungentle with someone's feelings. I don't think it's anybody's fault. I guess I mention this so you can think about being clear with a gentleman if you do decide it's just the experience you are looking for with him.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm glad to get affirmation that not everybody in Appalachia dates their relatives.

"You might be a redneck if you go to the family reunion to pick up chicks."

I do wish it was just a bad joke, but I know a couple who are 1st or 2nd cousins and brag about it. Thankfully it's uncommon. I think.

 

[Whattup]

You remind me so much of me. I have guy friends tell me that I am a complete tomboy (I'm 27) and I just recently, in the last 6 months, had the same cravings for love and intimacy. For a partner.

I did online dating, and have met two really nice guys on there, one who I am currently dating.

Okcupid.com was what worked for me. I was also very genuine with what I wanted, and often was the first to message guys. Don't wait for them to contact you!

Be yourself, and be kind. Be open to dating people who might not be your "exact" type.

As for the physical component; holding, kissing, snuggling, I was very skiddish about it as well. But it has gotten to be very enjoyable and I've grown to be less afraid and disgusted by it.

Online dating has been my resource. You might consider it

 

[yesithinkso]

Online dating is something I've been told I should do, but I don't know if I'll ever become comfortable with it. I realize there isn't as much stigma around online dating as there used to be, but I just don't want to be "found out" by an acquaintance or (worse) a family member. Besides, I've always been self conscious about my looks and don't like to have pictures of me taken of. I feel that once I post my pictures online they're up for anyone to grab and use as proof that I've done this. (I'm paranoid, I know.) I've tried setting up a profile without any pictures, and no luck.

Also, I'm a lot different in person and in real life. Back when I hung out on forums I'd sometimes became online friends with people who ended up wanting to meet up with me, and always I just chickened out because I felt like the way I write wasn't a good representation of who I was and it made me feel like a liar.

 

[tree]

A rather long relationship started because at his birthday party, with everyone around, I said,
"Close your eyes so I can give you a surprise." So he did and I kissed him.

He was surprised.

This is an instance of the 'if it's done in public, it must be ok' theory.

 

[tree]

Sally has some tips on how to get a fella.