Getting back with someone

[Verdandi]

Has anyone here experienced starting a new relationship with an Aspie who for multiple reasons (mainly unresolved issues with themselves, feeling pressured, depressed, not "normal" enough) backed off in the previous relationship?
My person (can't call him bf any more) and I are still very close even after his emotional collapse and I'd very much like us to try something new, with more understanding and negotiating our needs and less sentimental attachment. We began a very intense relationship but his energies burnt out after a couple of months So could the other way round be a better idea? A friendship that evolved to a romance? We still love each other.

 

[twilightzone76]

Verdandi - you are trying to talk yourself into accepting less than what you feel you want and deserve. It may make things easier for him if you have less expectations, but what is that doing for you?

Relationships are about compromise, but if the compromise leaves you feeling empty like you're getting the short end of the stick and its all one sided, than that's not healthy and you will not be happy.

I've been where you are, you just want to figure a way to make it work. I've also never been one to give up easily on anything and you may be this way as well. It's hard to face what will likely feel like defeat if you give up, but you can't force what does not come naturally, nor can you FIX any of his issues by altering yourself.

 

[Verdandi]

I am sure just about one thing: that I want him back.
Yes, I may be crazy and stupid for wanting it.

 

[twilightzone76]

I don't think you're stupid or crazy at all, you're just not there yet. Just pay attention if you find yourself trying to recover what once was.

It is typical to be "love bombed" in the beginning but you'll realize that was not who he really is. He was trying to be what he knows an NT wants or needs but may have come to terms with the fact that he cannot sustain this.

I can see so clearly now the distinct stages these relationships go through after hearing this same story from literally hundreds of NT women (and AS men). The honeymoon stage is ending and now you're entering "fix mode". It can and has taken some women years and years to get to the next stage which is acceptance that he cannot and will not change and mourning the loss of what you had hoped for.

It just hurts my heart to see another going through it because the outcome is so predictable. I understand that you will have to see for yourself though....

 

[Verdandi]

There is no beginning any more. That is gone. It lasted for a couple of months. Then it started degrading more and more till he told me he felt exhausted from trying to be 'normal'. I don't want to fix him, or recover the 'honeymoon', I am aware that's not going to happen. I want to find another way, reset the system as it were. Find a bridge, negotiate an agreement.
It might not work. But then again it might. I won't know until I try.

 

[nowwhat]

I am sure just about one thing: that I want him back.
Yes, I may be crazy and stupid for wanting it.

Many people want many things. Don't nobody hardly ever get what they want. Love is easy, relationships devilishly hard. So hard, that unless both parties are committed to making it work and determined to fight for it, there is no point. It will fail. Sorry. That's the truth. Lots of fish in the sea. And, as an aspie husband and father, you're better off with someone less difficult and problematic.